Choices to be made

[ioatc]

Hello all,

Graduate school has begun to run me down and left me confused about what to do. Hoping to vent and perhaps receive some input from those in similar situations.

As an undergraduate I absolutely loved my field of study with learning and research being the highlights of my life. As one can imagine, because of this I thought graduate school was the most logical choice and academic progression. I feel now that I was sorely mistaken and made a terrible error in my judgment, whether it was the university choice itself or grad school altogether I don't know.

Graduate school has managed to wittle away any existing passion for life, learning or for research.

My fellow graduate students in the department revel in belittling one another and are rather cut-throat in their methods, which is nothing like my own personality. I'm not a person for conflict or suspicion and unlike the others I don't feel like I'm in a race to win.

The advisor I have is rarely available and when I've come to him with questions, comments, or concerns, he deems my "woes" are part of the graduate school "experience" and to suck it up and figure it out myself. He absolutely refuses to answer any emails or phone calls unless they're in his best interest. I'm a self-sufficient individual by nature but once in awhile he and others in the department would be the logical choice to go to for information or support but obviously they don't see this as being part of their duties - "information dispersal and coddling" as it is put.

I've stuck with this program so far because I've always strived to finish what I start and to be honest I felt like a failure even thinking about a withdrawal or transfer early on. Now that I only have two semesters to go I've lost all my interest. I am falling behind as I can't bring myself to complete assignments/writing. Sometimes at the last minute when I consider how many thousands of dollars I've paid in tuition for this semester (that I won't get back as its past the refund date), can I muster a half-hearted effort. I've developed what I'd best describe as a numb, apathetic feeling whenever I miss an assignment, fail to study, or am underprepared for a presentation or meeting (which has never happened before this point in my life).

Recently reading employment statistics for those in my field only made the mood more dismal and I feel like I'm entering a state of doom and gloom depression that I don't want to be in.

I'm now at the crossroads where I'm trying to figure whether there is some way to motivate myself to salvage the semester or withdraw and feel like I'm aimlessly floating about.

[Ennue]

It sounds to me like you're struggling with getting enough motivation for and enjoyment out of school. Now, this may be indicative that you're in the wrong place. However, it's also possible that they're depression-type symptoms, which is very common among graduate students! Now that you're still in school, and have paid the tuition, can you make an appointment with a counselor to talk things over and maybe get some grip on your situation? Maybe your school has a grad student support group for people in similar situations?

I don't mean to be all "Something's wrong with you!", rather, I think a lot of grad students feel this way and could benefit from some outside assistance!

[gouache]

I felt this way too and ended up dropping out of my program & switching fields altogether. A few thoughts: 1. It may just be your school and/or cohort. 2. It might be your field. 3. It might be both

I was extremely depressed, hated my cohort, grew increasingly apathetic about my subject matter, and hated my school. In the end I just dropped out and switched to painting, which I discovered is what I've actually wanted to do all along. It took me a long time to figure out that what I really wanted to do was leave the program, and a lot of that came from attending counseling. I highly recommend it. And keep us updated! Good luck!

[melissarose8585]

I was in this situation as an undergrad. My parents were pushing Pre-med and I wanted history, and I literally just let myself fail out. Later, I went back and finished, got my M.A., and I'll be applying to PhDs this fall as well. But since that moment, I've never really lost my passion for my subject, or for academia. Even now (I took a gap year between my M.A. and applying for PhDs) I read journals, I'm finishing a documentary, and keeping it in the forefront of my mind. I'll miss the money I'm making in the RW, but I will love being back in grad school.

If you can't say the same, then maybe it is time for you to sit down and evaluate exactly what is causing the biggest problem: your "coworkers," your subject, grad school in general, and figure out what you need to change. If it means a year off, do it. If it means a field change, do it. Don't be miserable! Make a change that will get you where you think you can be happy.

[CarlieE]

It sounds like burnout... and depression as a result of it. *Hugs* ioatc ... Perhaps you need some emotional support from outside of your department, in the way of people who will just be good friends. They might not be able to help you academically but it sounds as though the real issue is not academic but emotional/psychological. Have you made any friends outside of your department? or in the community?

Perhaps it will help to take a small mental break and try to find people to hang out - you'll feel and BE less lonely. Do you like to dance? You can find a local salsa night or swing dance thing, or if you like to game I'm sure there's a local community for that too. Hobbies aren't just to fill time, they are also avenues towards a social connection.

If you are wrapped up in your school work, how about a study group that is NOT of your department, but in a related one or an interdisciplinary field ie. the Asian-american interdisciplinary dept? ie. a group of kids at your school - perhaps UGs - who will not be part of the back-stabbing circle. Your uni's campus activities board or club might have some advice on how to meet other grads or students in general who are interested in the same things as you.

You sound like you do want to stay in your field and yes, for most of us, the job market sucks right now and probably will for awhile. That is beyond our control at this point and so IMO we shouldn't really worry about it too much.

[quittingvalidator]

It sounds to me like grad school might not be what you want to do - you liked the undergrad environment and the grad school environment is completely different. (I don't really like it either). I would recommend quitting grad school and finding something that you would enjoy doing instead. Don't let anyone tell you to stick it out - if it's not your thing, quit.