How to manage others' reactions to your rejections

[identitychallenged]

Suppose this is your second time applying to grad . . . and your second time getting rejections (or presumed rejections) across the board. All your old professors are baffled, outraged, and depressed by turns. And you're really tired of the pity and the annoying observations that "you're the perfect candidate, I don't understand, etc." You've reminded them of every reason why it's hard to get in, the match must not have been perfect, funding's scarce, application numbers are up, adcoms care almost only about your writing sample and whether or not their profs want to work with your kind of research for the next 7 years -- and yet still your old profs insist "I don't understand." It only contributes to your dejection (from which you'd really rather move on), and you're mildly concerned that they're going to start thinking you have a felony keeping you out of grad.

What do you do?

[anxious_aspirant]

Is anyone wary of putting their infinitely busy former professors through the deadlines, 20 more drafts of your SoP, etc. for another round? I always have this fear that I'm annoying them to no end and they'd just never say so or something. Also awkward that I got into the MA program at my alma mater, and I'm probably going to have to turn down the offer for financial reasons (actually would be my second MA there, so probably looks even worse because of that...) I keep asking myself, Can I really expect these people to keep vouching for me?

(In addition to, Am I paranoid? Answer is yes.)

Rejection dejection; boo hoo. Pretty much sums me up right about now.

[rachmuz]

identitychallenged --

It sounds to me like your professors are a bit out of touch? Especially since it is you who has to keep reminding them of just how tough it is out there and it really should be the other way around. It is tough to hear the pity, outrage, etc.- I can sympathize and, in my case, I just grin and bear it. But chin up as well, as it looks like you still have a few schools to hear from! IF you do have to reapply next year, I'd seek advice from other profs as well, especially the younger ones, who tend to be more in touch with the realities of the market.

[crystalleem]

I'm not on my second round, but it's getting to the point where I feel like I will be starting that in about 6 weeks. It is hard. I do feel like I'm putting my professors out. They already had to send LORs to 16 programs. They looked over my SoP so many times. I wonder...am I really going to put them through that again? They are busy, and I often feel as though I am becoming a burden.

But then I get emails from my professors that say things like, "Let’s make a deal: if (if if) you don’t get what you want this round, you and I will meet either this term or as soon as its over to get a hard core, serious winning game plan in place for your next round" and "There’s something of a stamina test involved at this level, each year leaving fewer standing. But, you’ve got that strength, and you’ve got allies." This makes me feel like they do want to help and they do believe in me.

As a teacher myself, if I had a student like myself who had the work ethic, passion, drive, commitment, writing ability, etc., I feel like I would do whatever I could to help them in the process.

[marlowe]

I too felt like a burden on my references after two (and really three, as some of them wrote for my MA applications too) rounds of this stuff. However, I never, ever received any help on my Statement of Purpose or Writing Sample. I mean, they never even looked at it!

My advice is to show it to someone younger - a recently graduated PhD, a recently admitted PhD; someone that has been through this process recently. This made a huge difference to me, I think.

[anxious_aspirant]

I too felt like a burden on my references after two (and really three, as some of them wrote for my MA applications too) rounds of this stuff. However, I never, ever received any help on my Statement of Purpose or Writing Sample. I mean, they never even looked at it!

My advice is to show it to someone younger - a recently graduated PhD, a recently admitted PhD; someone that has been through this process recently. This made a huge difference to me, I think.

I wish there was a way to just read statements of purpose...I mean, to get a sampling of how people approach them. Ideally, I'd imagine the best proofreader would be someone who has been / is on admit committees, because he/she has seen it all. It's true my professors haven't done this for a while. Even a recently graduated/admitted PhD only has his/her own SoP in mind, right?

I really just hate the SoP. It's amazing how many different writing demands I've been able to meet with success in life, and this one just baffles me. Probably because I'm never too comfortable expressing something about myself (especially when the stakes are high). I just want the SoP secret! I am even so deluded to think there IS a secret! Boo.

[crystalleem]

I wish there was a way to just read statements of purpose...I mean, to get a sampling of how people approach them.

I really just hate the SoP. It's amazing how many different writing demands I've been able to meet with success in life, and this one just baffles me.

I just want the SoP secret!

ME TOO!!!!! I'm completely lost by it. What should be in it? How much narrative should it have? How much should you highlight past achievements, classes, etc. Maybe after all the acceptances roll out, some generous people on the boards would be willing to share. It would just be nice to have an idea. I would love for people on the boards to read mine and give me feedback, as well.

I had four professors read mine, one of which is the hardest grader I have ever had. He was an editor at a newspaper before he went for his PhD. He is extremely honest and blunt, so when he said (after several revisions) that my SoP was strong, I believed him and the other three professors who suggested revisions. One of my editors is the graduate coordinator for our MA program, so you would think she has some idea of what a good SoP looks like.

I am at a loss...

[pelevinfan]

ME TOO!!!!! I'm completely lost by it. What should be in it? How much narrative should it have? How much should you highlight past achievements, classes, etc. Maybe after all the acceptances roll out, some generous people on the boards would be willing to share. It would just be nice to have an idea. I would love for people on the boards to read mine and give me feedback, as well.

I had four professors read mine, one of which is the hardest grader I have ever had. He was an editor at a newspaper before he went for his PhD. He is extremely honest and blunt, so when he said (after several revisions) that my SoP was strong, I believed him and the other three professors who suggested revisions. One of my editors is the graduate coordinator for our MA program, so you would think she has some idea of what a good SoP looks like.

I am at a loss...

I'm so, so tempted to respond to this, but I also only got one acceptance. So please, take anything I say with a bucket of salt.

I used my SoP to sort of chronicle how I got interested in my subject, why I absolutely loved it and couldn't see myself doing anything apart from learning more about it and spreading that knowledge, and then explaining why X University was the only place in which I could really thrive. The program I'll be attending was probably the best fit for me, and so most likely my argument of 'I can do SO MANY THINGS here that I can't do anywhere else' rang as true - since it was.

Though my responses on this board probably don't portray this image, I naturally have a very hard time talking about my achievements. I generally get very embarrassed by praise and attention. The way I sort of got around that was by explaining why I had applied for each of the grants or opportunities that I did, and why it made me even more well-suited for my current path. If anyone actually wants to read the SoP that I sent to my successful program, please feel free to PM me.

Again, I apologize if this comes off as too braggy. I only want to offer help because I really wish it had been available to me when I first started applying. I'd be happy to read other statements as well - but again, since I was only successful at one program, I can understand if you all don't think I'm exactly a big help!

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

I have been managing my impressive track of rejections by not mentioning that I even applied to programs to people who don't already know what I've been up to. I know that sounds terrible, but... I just can't deal with their reactions. I kind of wish I had never told anyone what I was doing, so I could just deal with it on my own. But no. It's like the horrible moment where someone passes away, and even though you just want to grieve, you have to notify everyone.

Okay, getting rejected isn't that bad. But, sometimes it really feels that way.

It's just there's this certain look people get when you tell them you've been rejected, surprise masked with sympathy, a heavy dose of pity. That look kills me.

[yank in the M20]

I know exactly what look you mean! I HATE having people feel sorry for me. And I know they aren't judging me, thinking I'm not good enough, but I can't keep that nagging suspicion at bay.

I also have to say that I'm a bit jealous of all the support you guys have gotten--if it's offered, make use of it. I felt guilty getting my profs to submit to seven universities--the only people to see my SOP were from my MA cohort and same with the writing sample, plus a newly minted PhD. I didn't presume to ask my profs to read them and they didn't offer. I'm in England so I know it's a different sort of process here--if you were applying to their university, you would get their help, but it's not normal when applying elsewhere.

And do any of you guys start to get annoyed with the schools for the perceived reasons for not admitting? I think about the long list of reasons I might not get in--because they favor young hotshots that'll have a PhD by 27 and a book, or two, by 30. That I said something naive or just off in my SOP, that my writing sample is on an unpopular author, that it looks at Freud, only in a historical context, but that this is unfashionable, that my letter writers were lecturers, not professors, because that's normal here in the UK but not in the US and so their letters will have less clout. And I get angry with the schools for some, like the last, thinking how ridiculous it is to be so focused on position, or the first, because I will be a dedicated student after knowing what it's like to work for years to support myself. Then I think that I was stupid to do my MA in England because my letter writers don't know people at the schools I applied to, there's less crossover abroad, and that can make a difference, as people on these boards have suggested. Or I think I fucked up in some tiny way with my writing and if I had only known--but also, why didn't I know, why wasn't I able to sense it?

Okay, rant over. Just wanted to share with others in the same boat.

[ComeBackZinc]

One thing that I want to put out there is that there really isn't any perfect thing to say. That's not at all to discount or undermine the genuine and legitimate frustration you guys are feeling. But I wonder if the reality is just that the situation sucks and no matter how people react, it's still gonna suck. The individual reactions you guys are describing here are really annoying, and I wish people had been smarter in how they react. But there's no ideal way.

I was struck, in looking at the results survey an on this board, by how people have expressed completely opposite frustrations with the wording of rejection letters. Some people complain that they are too cold and blunt. Some complain that they are too sugarcoated. I doubt there's any right way.

When I got rejected everywhere my first attempt, I avoided seeing those professors for as long as possible. I just couldn't deal with it at the time.

[anxious_aspirant]

I'm so, so tempted to respond to this, but I also only got one acceptance. So please, take anything I say with a bucket of salt.

I used my SoP to sort of chronicle how I got interested in my subject, why I absolutely loved it and couldn't see myself doing anything apart from learning more about it and spreading that knowledge, and then explaining why X University was the only place in which I could really thrive. The program I'll be attending was probably the best fit for me, and so most likely my argument of 'I can do SO MANY THINGS here that I can't do anywhere else' rang as true - since it was.

Though my responses on this board probably don't portray this image, I naturally have a very hard time talking about my achievements. I generally get very embarrassed by praise and attention. The way I sort of got around that was by explaining why I had applied for each of the grants or opportunities that I did, and why it made me even more well-suited for my current path. If anyone actually wants to read the SoP that I sent to my successful program, please feel free to PM me.

Again, I apologize if this comes off as too braggy. I only want to offer help because I really wish it had been available to me when I first started applying. I'd be happy to read other statements as well - but again, since I was only successful at one program, I can understand if you all don't think I'm exactly a big help!

pelevinfan - Does this mean that you focused more on your personal narrative and not on research interests? (Not that your personal narrative doesn't show those interests - but I spent a good chunk of time explaining my interpretive point of view and the conceptual connection between a variety of the texts I hope to use. More of a half-and-half SoP - beginning: here's who I am, end: here's what I'll do.) I've always been baffled that they say something like "Personal statement approximately three pages in length" on their websites, then list a bunch of topics to cover - as if I'd be able to represent myself fully in three pages? I want to write two statements - one to tell them my background and how awesome it is, one to explain my proposed research interests. That way they both read as neatly packaged little pieces of writing.

I hear you about having a hard time talking about accomplishments. I don't know how to word it quite right, especially for university eyes rather than these boards.

To echo crystalleem, I'd also appreciate anyone (after the madness of the season) who would be willing to provide some feedback, as long as he/she heeds my warnings that I did not in any way know what I was doing (other than pulling out my hair) when I composed it.

[ekant]

My professors have been very supportive throughout the whole process. They have been very surprised at all the rejections, though. One of my professors went through at least 10 edits/revisions of my SoP and 7 or 8 revisions of my writing sample before sending it out, as well as writing me a LoR. It has been really tough to relay all the rejection news to people I care about. They feel bad. I feel bad. I don't really want the pity either, but I can't stop talking about it/thinking about it. It's just awkward. If I get another e-mail from my mother sending me job opportunities I might kill myself.

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

My professors have been very supportive throughout the whole process. They have been very surprised at all the rejections, though. One of my professors went through at least 10 edits/revisions of my SoP and 7 or 8 revisions of my writing sample before sending it out, as well as writing me a LoR. It has been really tough to relay all the rejection news to people I care about. They feel bad. I feel bad. I don't really want the pity either, but I can't stop talking about it/thinking about it. It's just awkward. If I get another e-mail from my mother sending me job opportunities I might kill myself.

Your mother's been sending you job notifications? Ugh, I'm so sorry! That must be terrible. My parents have been supportive of my decision to apply, even though they think I'm crazy and making a bad choice. Over the summer, my mom told me she thought I was applying to grad school for a "vacation." You know, the sort of dream vacation everyone wants where you don't sleep and read 800 pages a week and the only thing you can afford to eat is ramen.

For me, my extended family makes this process so much worse. I'm one of the youngest of 20+ grandkids, and have the great misfortune of being the only person to ever apply for a PhD... So where no one ever paid my life activities any mind before, they all keep asking me how it's going... The Horror, the horror!

[ekant]

Your mother's been sending you job notifications? Ugh, I'm so sorry! That must be terrible. My parents have been supportive of my decision to apply, even though they think I'm crazy and making a bad choice. Over the summer, my mom told me she thought I was applying to grad school for a "vacation." You know, the sort of dream vacation everyone wants where you don't sleep and read 800 pages a week and the only thing you can afford to eat is ramen.

For me, my extended family makes this process so much worse. I'm one of the youngest of 20+ grandkids, and have the great misfortune of being the only person to ever apply for a PhD... So where no one ever paid my life activities any mind before, they all keep asking me how it's going... The Horror, the horror!

Bah. Yes. Everyday she sends me job postings. It needs to stop.

I completely feel you with the extended family part. My whole family thinks I'm going for a PhD in English and now I must tell them that I probably will not be (in the very probable event that I get rejected from the rest of my schools).

Eek, youngest of 20+ grandkids?!? That's nuts. That is horrible that they keep asking you how it's going. Same here on my end. Every time I see someone they say, "Any news?" I have to look at them with a dejected smile and say "No good news."

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

Bah. Yes. Everyday she sends me job postings. It needs to stop.

I completely feel you with the extended family part. My whole family thinks I'm going for a PhD in English and now I must tell them that I probably will not be (in the very probable event that I get rejected from the rest of my schools).

Eek, youngest of 20+ grandkids?!? That's nuts. That is horrible that they keep asking you how it's going. Same here on my end. Every time I see someone they say, "Any news?" I have to look at them with a dejected smile and say "No good news."

Yeah, it's rough. I've been avoiding any and all contact with them since this process started. If they ask my parents about, they say I haven't heard anything yet. If my waitlist doesn't work out, I think I'm going to make up an unfunded offer that of course I had to decline. I really, really can't deal with the look from my family. It's definitely a little pathetic on my end.

[crystalleem]

I also have to say that I'm a bit jealous of all the support you guys have gotten

And do any of you guys start to get annoyed with the schools for the perceived reasons for not admitting? I think about the long list of reasons I might not get in--because they favor young hotshots that'll have a PhD by 27 and a book, or two, by 30. That I said something naive or just off in my SOP, that my writing sample is on an unpopular author, that it looks at Freud, only in a historical context, but that this is unfashionable, that my letter writers were lecturers, not professors, because that's normal here in the UK but not in the US and so their letters will have less clout.

My whole family thinks I'm going for a PhD in English and now I must tell them that I probably will not be (in the very probable event that I get rejected from the rest of my schools).

I do feel fortunate that my professors have been so willing to support me and have gone above and beyond of their requirements. One professor met me over the summer for like an hour to help with the process. Another met me for coffee and she gave me advice for close to 2 hours. This is the amazing part of going to a small, little-known program. My professors are more like mentors and they really care about my success.

The bad part of a little-known program, no one on the adcoms probably had ever heard of my professors, so I understand yank's rant. There are 8 years between my undergrad and grad schools. I worked as a high school teacher during that time. I think that makes me a more well-rounded person, but probably not the perfect prodigy most schools are looking for. I do wish these programs would be more forthcoming, and say, at least, the type of student they really want to take.

Eknat - I feel your pain, as well. The part I hate the most is how all my family/friends/co-workers have told me, "Of course you will get in somewhere" when I've told them prior to the process about the low chances of admittance. I feel like no one understands that many of these schools admit like 5% of applicants and just because I've excelled in everything my entire life, that doesn't mean a program will accept me. Maybe on round 2, I won't tell anyone I'm applying.

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

Maybe on round 2, I won't tell anyone I'm applying.

This was my original plan. But with my excellent job as a server, when I told people I didn't really have any plans they just gave me the Look anyway.

I know what you mean about people not understanding how competitive it is to get in too. When I would try to air my worries, my friends would say "but you have a 4.0 pretty much, don't you?" If only good grades/test scores were enough to get in!

[yank in the M20]

quoting--'Maybe on round 2, I won't tell anyone I'm applying.'

I thought the same, but I was such a stressed-out mess Aug-Dec and such a worried mess now that there is no way that I could not mention what I was doing without people seriously worrying about my well-being--if nothing else it explained my odd behavior. Plus, it's one of the only things you think about while applying and when decisions start coming out that it's hard not to share that with the people in your life.

I agree with you about just wanting to know which schools will be more likely to like me for my experience. If I knew that certain schools had a preference for people just out of undergrad or even with a masters that they got directly after undergrad, I wouldn't have bothered to apply. It's like the rumor that BU doesn't like people with MAs--at least it's known around here, though obviously not advertised by them. So which universities don't like students over 30? And which care the most about previous program's prestige and/or the prestige of the letter-writers? Too late for me now, but would have really helped.

[pelevinfan]

pelevinfan - Does this mean that you focused more on your personal narrative and not on research interests? (Not that your personal narrative doesn't show those interests - but I spent a good chunk of time explaining my interpretive point of view and the conceptual connection between a variety of the texts I hope to use. More of a half-and-half SoP - beginning: here's who I am, end: here's what I'll do.) I've always been baffled that they say something like "Personal statement approximately three pages in length" on their websites, then list a bunch of topics to cover - as if I'd be able to represent myself fully in three pages? I want to write two statements - one to tell them my background and how awesome it is, one to explain my proposed research interests. That way they both read as neatly packaged little pieces of writing.

I hear you about having a hard time talking about accomplishments. I don't know how to word it quite right, especially for university eyes rather than these boards.

To echo crystalleem, I'd also appreciate anyone (after the madness of the season) who would be willing to provide some feedback, as long as he/she heeds my warnings that I did not in any way know what I was doing (other than pulling out my hair) when I composed it.

I would say I threaded my research interests into my personal narrative. While explaining my background and each of the things I have done, I then mentioned what I got out of each experience and how that affected my research interests. While I do name specific authors and specific subfields, I would say I spent a larger chunk of time explaining why I had those interests. But, as I am currently still an undergrad, I felt that I had to justify why they should offer me - someone who is very young and, because of that, may potentially come off as flighty - a spot over someone who has an MA, who has lived for an extended time abroad, or who has much more life experience. To be short about it, I; I just tried to explain who I really am, and how I thought that particular university would help me grow further.

Hope that helps just a little!

[ferhin]

I have been managing my impressive track of rejections by not mentioning that I even applied to programs to people who don't already know what I've been up to. I know that sounds terrible, but... I just can't deal with their reactions. I kind of wish I had never told anyone what I was doing, so I could just deal with it on my own. But no. It's like the horrible moment where someone passes away, and even though you just want to grieve, you have to notify everyone.

Okay, getting rejected isn't that bad. But, sometimes it really feels that way.

It's just there's this certain look people get when you tell them you've been rejected, surprise masked with sympathy, a heavy dose of pity. That look kills me.

I feel the same! I wish that I hadn't told anyone that I was applying so that if I get rejections across the board I can save my pride. I've been putting discussing the outcome of my applications so far. I am trying to wait it out so that when I get good news (if I get good news) I have only that to share, and I can keep my shame to myself. I have no clue how I will be able to muster the courage to ask my professors to help me all over again if I get all rejections. I'm praying, wishing, begging, (you name it, I'm doing it) that I won't have to.

[antecedent]

I have some very serious anxiety about telling my recommenders about my results and where I'm planning on going. Any tips for this?

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

Antecedant, I like your new signature!

I'm waiting until I know exactly what I'm doing before I tell my LOR writers much. But I told the professor I'm closest to about my waitlist when it happened (I'd heard back from the majority of schools at that point anyway) through email, which made things a little easier. I think email is going to be my friend, especially if things go not-as-well as I want them to.

[antecedent]

Thanks! Everyone else was being cagey, so I thought I would be too!

Interestingly, my anxiety about telling LOR writers has decreased significantly since I unofficially made my decision (it's been such a slow process - I'm only getting used to thinking it now).

Man, my fingers are SO crossed that you'll have good news to tell those letter writers in a few weeks!

[Fiona Thunderpaws]

Haha, nice! I noticed everyone was being cagey and witty too, but I think it's too late for me. Everyone knows my dark, terrible secret by now!

It makes sense you feel less stressed now that you have a better idea... That's why two of my LOR writers have no idea what I'm up to, since I don't know myself. I've found that stating things with confidence and like you know exactly what you're you're doing and wouldn't be doing anything else goes a long way towards diffusing situations as well, which is easier to do when you actually know what you're doing too!

Where do you think you'll go, if you don't mind my asking? You were jumping across puddles or trekking to winter wonderland, right? I've been rooting for you all these weeks too and you had some awesome choices!

EDIT: I figured it out. Congratulations!!!

Edited March 24, 2012 by Fiona Thunderpaws