Will this be awkward?

[new_to_kin]

I'm going to be starting my PhD in Sept (app in but have had verbal confirmation), in a field entirely unrelated to my undergrad and masters work. I'm surprised/amazed/pleased that my supervisor has accepted me and I will have a great funding package.

Before i applied, I met with the current students in the lab and they are all really nice, but typical age grad students. I am 33, have two kids and....I'm married to a professor. He's in a different faculty, but I'm still a faculty spouse.

So it's funny because up until now, I've considered all faculty to be my husband's colleagues. Plus I feel as though I know what they go through. The students mentioned how nice he was because he invites them over for the holidays etc. We do the same for my husband's students.

Do you think this will be an awkward situation? I'm in such a different life stage, plus I know a lot less than them in this field. I don't feel at all superior to them - the opposite, in fact. Does anyone have any advice?

[crazygirl2012]

I'll still be 21 when I start my Ph.D. program and I've had the same concerns. Maybe not to the same extent, but I think that those of us on either extreme of the age range are going to be a bit nervous about it. I doubt it will be awkward for you though! If they seemed welcoming to you, they probably are. 33 doesn't sound old to me at all!

[ktel]

There are plenty of PhD students and PostDocs in my lab who are older, married and have kids. Besides, I wouldn't worry about the age difference too much. I've played rugby for a long time, and the women in our club range in ages from 16 to 50. I really have no problem getting along with any of them, regardless of age. I don't think anyone my age actually thinks "Oh, that person is 33, that's awkward"

[CarlieE]

Is it the age difference or being a faculty spouse AND student that makes you feel nervous?

I don't think you should feel awkward, although some students might prefer not make certain comments around you for fear that their complaints etc would get back to the professor they are complaining about (this happened around the children of some faculty that did part of their UG at the uni their parents taught at) Do you know your POI socially? If so, I might make it a point to develop a distinct line between work and social so that other students won't feel that you might be given preferential treatment.

I play RPGs with 2 of my professors and the other students know this, but we try to keep that social aspect out of class conversations. Also, though first names are used during play-time, we maintain use of titles ie. Prof X or Dr X during class time.

As far as the age thing goes, I wouldn't worry about it. I'll be 31 in Sept when my PhD program begins and I am finishing up my UG now. I've never felt ostracized because of my age. Granted, most of my friends think I'm 23 or 24, but even once they find out I'm a lot older, I've not been treated differently. Fitting in will depend on how well you get along. As with most things, the more you make an effort to be socially available, the stronger your relationships will be with those in your cohort, regardless of their age. I understand that having children may inhibit some of the social gathering that might occur or you might not be interested in hanging out at the bar, but if you make the effort to hang out, I'm sure you'll develop some good friendships with your (younger) cohort.

[new_to_kin]

Thanks. It's more the faculty spouse thing, plus kids rather than age itself. I just feel as though I will have little in common with the other students. Esp. the kids thing.

I do not know my supervisor socially, but when we've met it came out that he and my husband will be up for tenure at the same time (next year). So that is kind of weird. There is an excellent chance that someone on my committee will be one of my husband's direct colleagues (within his dept) as I am moving from his field to a new one (with interdisciplinary stuff). That one might be a bit awkward.

[Eigen]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think there are some possibilities for it to be akward, but (espescially in the sciences) the grad student-professor relationship seems a lot more relaxed.

I'm married, and we enjoy doing things with my advisor, his wife and their children when we can, and we also enjoy doing things with my wife's advisor and family.

We have several grad students in my department that are mid-30s in age, as well as several that have kids and a number that are married, but it hasn't really seemed to effect the relationship dymanics hugely.

[new_to_kin]

Thanks for that. Seems like it probably depends on the dept and indeed the lab. We don't have any post docs in this lab and everyone definitely looks under 25 and definitely childless.

His kids are older than mine, so hopefully he can also help me figure out what to do once they hit teenage-dom!

[Eigen]

Thanks for that. Seems like it probably depends on the dept and indeed the lab. We don't have any post docs in this lab and everyone definitely looks under 25 and definitely childless.

His kids are older than mine, so hopefully he can also help me figure out what to do once they hit teenage-dom!

This actually worked out in reverse in my group, one of our graduate students had his son about a year or two ahead of our PI, and they talked a a lot through my PIs sons first year.

Interestingly enough, I've also been married a couple of years longer than my PI.

I don't think mixes are as uncommon as it might seem, although it seems like your prospective department is a bit more homogenous. You might, however, find that there are grad students of a more similar age in other surrounding programs.

[emmm]

I'm a first-year grad student with college-aged kids. I feel very comfortable with my cohort and with students farther along in my program. There is one woman I think might be my age in another class, but I might have a year or two even on her. If I go with the PI I am considering, I will be older than my PI. Bottom line -- it doesn't matter. My age is only a "problem" in that my foundational coursework was done quite a long time ago, so I probably have to work harder to keep up. You might be the only parent in your program, but you'll still have a lot in common with your fellow students since you'll have the same classes and your research to talk about. It will be fine.

Edited March 9, 2012 by emmm

[new_to_kin]

Thanks! This has really put my mind at ease!!! Seems like kin students tend to be traditional students, but other students in the faculty of health sciences in say, Audiology, tend to be a bit older.