I Feel Old...Help!

[Sarahmarie]

I am 32 years old and I am preparing to graduate from an adult program at a SLAC in my state. The college is very respected and the program I am completing follows the traditional residential program almost exactly, so I am not going to a degree mill or anything. I have excelled in all of my classes and thrived here. However, in many of my classes I was on the younger end of the age spectrum. As I prepare to move ahead, I thought I made the smart move for my master's program but now I am not so sure. We have a cohort of 15 and while I don't know everyone's exact age, we have formed a Facebook group and judging by everyone's profile, I am about 10 years older than most, if not all of them. Being older, you would think I would be wiser and have more self-esteem but I am concerned that I will be out of place and have nothing in common with these people I will be spending much of the next 2 years with.

Does anyone have experience with this? How did you relate to younger (or older) colleagues? I mean I am not a fossil - yet. And I am pretty laid back and get along with almost everyone. I guess I am just nervous because I am pulling up stakes and moving my whole life and maybe getting cold feet...

Any advice would be appreciated!

[go3187]

For a couple of years I was the youngest grad student in our department, and I never gave much thought to it. In fact, I initially thought the age difference between me and a few other grad students was smaller than it actually is (~7 years). Now I share the office with a postdoc who's 10 years older than me, and before I had as officemate someone who was about 8 years older. The age difference hasn't been an issue at all.

I think the youngest in our department is now 22, and the oldest is 34 (excluding the professors, who are around 40). We all get along just fine, and everyone joins common activities.

[comm1980]

My experience has been that age differences in grad school are much less noticeable than they might have been in undergrad. 18 year olds will definitely think someone who is 30 in their macro econ class is ANCIENT...but there is such a range of ages in grad school that I think it makes any significant difference rather unnoticeable. Graduate programs attract all kinds of people: those just out of undergrad, those who've been working in industry for years, those who are retiring and finally fulfilling their dream to get a grad degree, etc. I wouldn't worry about an age difference. You're all there (basically) to work on similar topics, no matter what the reason. Enjoy the different perspectives from the different lives that have led each of you to grad school!

[ktel]

There's a pretty large age range in my research group. Many are married with kids. We are all quite friendly, although I have yet to make any close friends (it seems like some of them are closer though). I have played rugby for years and it's completely normal for players to be in the age range of 16-40, and we all get along really well.

[bedalia]

You will be fine. Here is my experience as someone who moved home from overseas with two kids to start a B.A. at 34, followed by an M.A., and now PhD.

You ARE older and wiser and will bring life experience to your program, and that will show (positively) in the quality of your work. However, don't let that fool you into thinking that you should "have it all figured out." That's just not the way it works, and if you expect that of yourself, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. (Plus, if you have children, you have a whole other set of responsibilities that many in your cohort/classes may not share; so remember to cut yourself some slack when things don't go to plan! You'll find your professors are willing to do so, too, if not abused.) Grad school can be tough, there will times of overload, struggle and self-doubt, but you will be able to handle it. Commiserating with your classmates is a great way of putting everyone on a level playing field - you will realize that everyone struggles at times, and they will be reassured that you don't think yourself superior because of your age.

Remember, you can learn A LOT from younger members of your cohort. Listen. Respect.

Don't draw attention to your age by constantly referring to it or how old you feel in relation to them, not because you should be embarrassed about your age or hide it, but repeatedly mentioning it can make everyone around you feel uncomfortable - not a good foundation for friendship. They'll know you are older, and probably won't care - unless you keep. on. bringing. it. up! But also, don't try to act their age - that makes EVERYone uncomfortable, most importantly YOU! Be true to yourself (at every age!).

It can be lonely at times, especially as an older student (though I found a wider age range in my grad programs than in my undergrad). School takes up a lot of time and doesn't leave much time for socializing (especially if you have children to care for), but invest time in building a supportive community at school, in your program if possible - it can be really helpful during those stressful times to have people around you who are going through the same thing or who can relate. Also, MAKE time for socializing with your friends outside of school who know you, love you, and support you - they will help keep things in perspective and give you a sense of connection.

But really? Don't worry, you'll be fine!

[eco_env]

They might not even realize you are older. I'm always surprised to find out how much older than me some of the grad students in my program are, when I assumed they were my age.

[new_to_kin]

I'm 33 and will be starting a PhD in the fall. I've met most of the other students in my lab and they are all about 10 years younger than me. I'm also a bit anxious about this. However, all of them have a stronger background in our field than me and I really respect that. I know that I'll be asking them for a lot of help and advice.

In fact I have a lot more in common with the prof (kids, married, etc) than the students, plus my husband is a prof at the same institution (different faculty) so I know that will be a funny one to negotiate.

I am planning on being respectful to the other students. I make friends easily so I presume this isn't going to be an issue. I think the main thing is to avoid thinking of their age too much!

[Jasmineflower]

Relax! You'll be fine.

I'm a second-year PhD student and am at least seven or eight years older than everyone else in my cohort (ten or more years older in some cases) -- and I am also the only one who's a parent. Going into my program, I thought the age difference might be awkward -- but honestly, no one cares. No one cares at all about age; we all just relate to each other as intellectuals. And we DO have a lot in common, because we're all in classes together all the time! My cohorts are also totally supportive about the dual-role I play as a graduate student and parent -- they understand my scheduling constraints when it comes to extra meetings and arranging childcare ... they know I don't have as much time for social stuff as they do, but they still try to keep me in the loop as much as possible ... they are so great ALSO, remember that you will be entering a PROGRAM, not just a cohort. While I am the oldest in my cohort, I'm definitely not the oldest in my program, nor the only married one or the only parent. There are others in the program who are older than I am, have two or three children, etc. I'm guessing it might be the same in your program.

I think someone else also mentioned keeping up contacts with your friends outside of school, and I'll second that too -- even if you have to move, it is good to prioritize maintaining the friendships you've developed outside of graduate school. Think of graduate school as an ADDITION to your life -- and intellectual and professional addition -- rather than a REPLACEMENT of your entire life. Your cohort doesn't have to replace your social circle.

I'm sure that once you're involved in your program, the worries about age difference will just fall away. And don't forget that you can always keep in touch with us "older" students on the grad cafe as well!

[Sarahmarie]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement....I know once I get there I will be fine. It is just a little anxiety provoking on top of the stress of the past six months - applying, waiting for results, choosing a program. I really do get along well with pretty much everyone so I am sure I will be okay. It is nice to have this forum to share fears, etc. Thanks for listening!

[CarlieE]

I agree with the responses above. I'll be 31 when I enter my first year of the PhD program and will be older than most of my cohort. We met each other already at the interview weekend and we all got along. Age did not really factor into the experience and everyone seemed mature and pleasant. I don't think they'll be any "age" problems.

However, I think maybe the concern is not so much "age" itself as a number, but the cultural/generational/social "age". I mean some 22 year olds act really "old" for their age, and some 40 year olds act really "young" for their age. Usually, we're talking about maturity - but sometimes it can mean other things too... Like sharing common experiences...

As a 30 yr old finishing up my UG now sometimes i find myself completely out of touch with other UGs who are part of my cohort. I might bring up a reference to a cartoon from the 80s like Thunder Cats or She-Ra or something like that (Seinfeld) and they'll look at me like they have NO IDEA what I'm talking about. Or vice versa. And while this is just a small thing, sometimes I can make me feel out of place... unintentionally, but it still feels... odd nonetheless.

Sometimes I get in on the jokes. When we go have a beer I LOVE when people card me. And my much younger friends will get a HUGE kick out of that. We all poke fun at my "age" which is nice, but sometimes - like when I turned 30 last year - the "fun" of it felt like stabbing to the chest. Some of friends noticed that and they went out of their way to make me feel "young" which was nice. And some other friends completely didn't notice my funk. But I'm still friends with everyone.. To be fair sometimes I don'tunderstand their funks either - though I recognize them and remember when I also thought that the world was going to end because so jerk dumped me.

Either way... to the OP, I think it will all depend on you and who you meet there. I'm sure all of us "oldies" will be OK.

[Riotbeard]

Nobody cares. I have grad school friends who are 40, and they get along quite well with the grad student in their mid to late twenties (we don't have any 22 year olds that I am aware of...). I feel like these age barriers really disappear once you all have the common experience of grad school, having had real jobs before grad school, etc.

[Ancient CS Grad]

All I can say is you are 20 years ahead of me and I am just starting my Phd program. Just love what you are doing and don't worry about the age.

[Sigaba]

Any advice would be appreciated!

As you are assessing the role age differences might play in your relationships with your fellow students, keep an eye as to how your age difference your interaction with your professors as well.

IME, there can be a lot of "wax on/ wax off" in graduate school. (This reference is for you, anthroDork. )

I've observed older students hit pause and ask "Why the firetruck am I doing this?" while younger students jump through the hoops without hesitation. As some professors may be more used to the deference of younger students, they might be taken aback when they get asked a perfectly legitimate question. (And others will cultivate--unintentionally and otherwise--the infantilizing dynamic of graduate school.)

Meanwhile, when you're dealing with younger graduate students, you might save yourself some peace of mind if you remember that sometimes people have to learn things for themselves. So even if there's an opportunity to be the older sibling/den leader of your cohort, maybe think twice before putting on that hat.

[CarlieE]

IME, there can be a lot of "wax on/ wax off" in graduate school. (This reference is for you, anthroDork. )

Meanwhile, when you're dealing with younger graduate students, you might save yourself some peace of mind if you remember that sometimes people have to learn things for themselves. So even if there's an opportunity to be the older sibling/den leader of your cohort, maybe think twice before putting on that hat.

LOL That was awesome and EXACTLY what I was talking about!!

I also agree about the thinking twice before wearing the "Here's some sage advice" hat. it just all depends really. Sometimes my younger friends ask for the advice, sometimes they really don't want to hear it.. I think that's an "ageless" thing, but worth mentioning in this thread

[Sarahmarie]

Yeah I don't want to be the den mother...my experience is when you are young you have to make your own mistakes anyway. I just want to be comfortable and have a good working environment for the next few years. Judging by our Facebook interactions so far I think it will be okay! Thanks for all the encouragement and advice. Much appreciated!

[tiffanyamber81]

I started my undergrad at 28 and was a bit worried about having classes with much younger students. Turned out that most people thought I was 21 or 22. Also, it turned out that there were many students my age and in the end age was not really an issue. There was such a wealth of knowledge and perspective from most students in my courses and age had nothing to do with it. I am 31 now and will be starting a Masters in the fall. You will most likely meet others in your age group. I have made some very rewarding friendships with those younger than me.

It's true in the above post, don't kid yourself with the idea that age will demonstrate that you know more. You're on pretty much the on the same page. If you got into grad school, then your most likely passionate about learning and so are those from younger age brackets.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I started at 37, expecting to be the oldest student in the department. I wasn't. We have one guy who's doing a part-time Ph.D. who's got to be at least 55--he's been working on his Ph.D. for 15 years!!

Most people nowadays think I'm 30 tops, not 40 (thank you mom, for the good anti-aging genes). I don't know if this changes things or not, but I have no trouble fitting in: my friends at school range in age from 24 to 36. I'm the same age as many of the profs and the department chair, but it hasn't hindered my interactions with them much, if at all, either.