What Do We Think About Dating other Grad Students?

[imonedaful]

Tom Cruise!

Hahahahahaha what a strange little man.

I am scared to try internet dating....you all should write a "how to" for us wimps!! You can be our "internet dating mentors"!

Internet dating is not that scary!I have actually had a number of positive experiences. It is in many ways easier than meeting people in a lot of other capacities. You can screen. You get to talk to the person before you actually meet them. The best way is to get to know the personal until you are comfortable with them, then agree to meet. That can be different lengths from person to person.

occasional gradcafe lurker here, who started an account after reading this topic...

I'll also play the online dating story game. My first semester of grad school (and first semester TA-ing), several of my undergraduate students found my okcupid profile. okcupid lets you see people who have recently viewed your profile - I had a sudden influx of 18-22 year olds living in the town in which my school is located. I didn't click through to any of their profiles, but recognized them all from their pictures. I deleted my profile immediately and haven't created one since (and am somewhat upset about this, as online dating really is a great way to meet new people).

Beware that this can happen. While it is not the end of the world (I would not be weirded out if my teacher was on an online dating site, we are all human) make sure you keep what is viewable to the public very PG. Many sites allow you to make certain parts of your profile private. I work at a gym, and therefore a large number of people see me everyday. I have had a few regular members send me messages through an online dating site and I simply tell them, I don't date anybody who works out at my gym. I did, accidently, go out with somebody who was a member one time. I found out later after we were already on a date, and I was saying in my head "damn!" But nothing awful came of it, thankfully.

Edited May 28, 2012 by imonedaful

[Humdinger]

While earning my PhD in a traditional engineering field, I taught undergraduate courses - mine and sometimes my advisor's - alongside performing research. So I had practically no time to date. But my constant need for companionship (preferably "romantic and intellectual companionship in one package") during my infrequent free times pushed me to try to find a fellow grad student I could date. Big mistake!!! My first relationship with another grad student (a girl in the same building but in a different sub-discipline) quickly turned into a huge mess.

 

Weeks earlier apparently, she had opted to 'modify' her degree to make it multidisciplinary and part of the requirements - we realized very late - was for her to take my course which is usually only taken by seniors or new grad students switching over. I was both amused and displeased. To prepare us for the awkwardness and help keep things professional, I suggested we suspend the relationship before the following semester's classes were due to start and then continue when classes ended. My advisor (a married female professor) would playfully lambaste me for this "heartless" decision when I gave her my side of the story much later. In her words, I should have known the girl would feel scorned. Anyway, this girl made my life a mess when I began teaching her. She would talk rudely to me in class to the amazement of other students or literally toss her completed assignments at me as if seeking to provoke a reaction/confrontation where she could publicly reveal that we had had something. I felt vulnerable and miserable. Until my advisor intervened and threatened to report to her advisor. By this time, many of our mutual female friends had stopped talking to me.

 

In hindsight, I think she reacted like that either because the pickings for female grad students were slimmer than for males. Or perhaps she assumed my suggested temporary 'separation' was a guise for a breakup. Also, what she saw as scorn, I saw as maintaining my hard-earned graduate funding by preventing any rumors about dating my student because despite my youthfulness and gregarious nature, my career was first. From then until I graduated, I did not so much as ogle at a female student anywhere near engineering.

 

Lesson learned: Dating a fellow grad student isn't so bad. Provided your paths do not cross in ways that create conflicting interests for both of you. And as long as each one of you is mature enough to temporarily give the other some space when there is a good reason to. 

[juilletmercredi]

I've heard that grad school is the last opportunity to meet a large group of intellectual and ambitious people at once

 

False!  I think it's more *difficult* after you aren't in school anymore, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  Lots of people meet their SOs outside of school contexts.

 

I think graduate school is as good a place as any to meet an SO.  I think if you have common sense you can avoid a lot of the "cautionary tales".  Being a serial dater within your workplace is a problem regardless of whether that's a graduate program or an office; breaking up before finals is no worse than breaking up before a big client presentation or account is due (in fact, the latter two are potentially worse); cheating is cheating, and douches are douches.

 

You have to decide ahead of time whether grad school is worth giving up your life.  To me, personally, it is not.

 

It depends on the way you go about it.  You could meet your life partner in your graduate program.  Or you could have a spectacular breakup with someone.  There's no way to predict.  Are you a douche?  Do you have a problem interacting with people you have broken up with on a regular basis?  Do your emotional travails consistently interfere with your work?  It depends on your dating style.  The other thing to decide is whether you want to start a two-body problem.  I already had an SO when I came to graduate school, but if I had not, I would NOT want to date other PhD students simply to avoid the dreaded two-body problem.  My prospects are already dim enough without trying to bring another non-portable person with me, lol.

 

FWIW, there's not a lot of interdepartmental dating in either of my department.  There is one successful couple in one of my departments, but otherwise people typically come to graduate school with an SO or date outside of our program.  I don't view people who date or don't date as any particular kind of way; it really depends on the way they go about it.

[ak48]

People who are the same [gender/skin color/nationality/religion/sexual orientation/height/eye color/other] as me always do stereotypical (or otherwise unwelcome) things that don't represent who I am. I don't worry about it.

[but there are MUCH easier ways to look for husbands than attend a top school for a 5-year PhD. Just sayin']

 

 

Anybody who thinks people sign up for a grueling 5 year Phd program in order to maybe meet some potential spouses are probably crazy. And the ones who actually do implement the plan are nuts

[ak48]

My field is relatively small, so departments also tend to be small. From what I've seen, dating within the department... does not work. Ever.

I have tried online dating (HAHA WHAT) and it was okay. I met a few guys who were pretty cool for the most part... except for the guy who gave a 20 minute rant on why global warming is a hoax on the first date (nota bene: I am a climate scientist). I hope that by mentioning this, the thread will devolve into an "internet dating nightmare" story hive. Um. please?

 

Internet dating has become much less stigmatized today. if you think about it, facebook is pretty much an online outlet for people to post attractive pictures of themselves and present themselves publically in the most favorable light possible (and the posted relationship status makes this even more online-datey) 

 

i know a bunch of friends who have met serious partners through okcupid. it's just another resource to meet people. there really shouldn't be any pride in meeting your gf/bf through a shared class in my opinion.

[Biostat_Assistant_Prof]

I'm beginning my PhD program in the fall and have no objections to dating fellow grad students. In fact, I'd quite enjoy an intelligent woman with similar goals (I.e. pursuing a PhD)... However, I will not date within my department, especially being that my department is so small (~20 students, 5-6 in my cohort). Sure it's possible everything could work out ok, but I'm not taking that chance. If things ended on bad terms, I'd have to continue to see that person on a daily basis and that would not be fun.

[starrylanterns]

I actually haven't had dating experiences while in my undergrad (long story short, juggling classes and internships + study abroad for a year), so I'm kind of looking forward to the potential dating prospects in my grad program. Though I must admit the stories in the thread are simultaneously funny and fear inducing.