Yes, it's yet another "please help me review my SOP" thread...

[1Q84]

Okay, so I've done a lot of trolling through the forum about SOP writing and have seen the much-lauded "what to avoid" thread. medievalmaniac and intextrovert's walkthroughs have been particularly helpful!

Here's my intro paragraph. I know that it may be too fluffy but I wanted to start off with a quote to nudge at my Latin background. Also, I feel like the one big thing holding me back is my undergraduate career and the 5 years between undergrad and grad school. I wanted to make sure they know that I have grown from my undergrad career. Those are my reasons for making such a fluffy intro paragraph. Please let me know if you think it should all be excised and burnt or if I can rework it, make it more concise, etc.

The paragraph immediately after it do their best to follow the Fit, Focus, Future model.

Tacitus, while describing the experiential process of removing bitumen from lakes in Jerusalem, wrote in his great historical treatise of Imperial Rome, the Annales: “experientia docuit”, which is usually glossed as “experience teaches”. In a wider sense, it can mean experience is the art that teaches all other arts, an adage that I feel represents my academic career well. I have taken many detours in my life on my way toward graduate studies but in every side street that I explored, I knew that that my strong desire to study early modern English literature would always prevail. My year spent teaching English in South Korea after my undergraduate work led to an interest in secondary school education, which informed my decision to pursue a Bachelor of Education. What was most crucial about this second bachelor’s degree was that it reinvigorated my passion for research and academia. I have spent the intervening period since my undergraduate degree doing independent, interest-based research grounded in the intersection of my two great passions: gender studies and Renaissance literature, which has helped me to focus my dedication as well as hone my patience, tenacity and research skills. I strongly believe that this exploratory period away from academia has allowed me to grow personally as well as discover my interests fully and absorb new ideas.

Specific opinions wanted about the "exploratory period away from academia" phrase. Would that come off as offensive to academics?

Thanks in advance

Edited August 5, 2012 by ponponpon

[1Q84]

Is it.... that bad?

[fuzzylogician]

Well, if you've read any of my other posts on SOPs, you know that the fluffy opening is not something I ever advise people to use. It's really not my favorite, unless done really well. Normally I think that the best way to go is to introduce yourself as the person you'd like to be once admitted - that is, open with what your interests are and what you'd like to study. I can see how the type of opening you used may make more sense for someone with a nontraditional path, but without seeing the rest of the SOP and how it's structured and focused, it's hard for me to judge if it does a good job. I think that this paragraph is good for its style, but I'm still not convinced that all these fluff and background need to be there; on the other hand, if that's the way you choose to go I'm not sure there's enough of it ( but more focused, detailed!).

For nitpicky things,

1. I found the first sentence difficult to read because of all the commas in it. Could it be rearranged to ease the flow?

2. "I have taken many detours in my life on my way toward graduate studies but in every side street that I explored, I knew that that my strong desire to study early modern English literature would always prevail." - this feels too cliche, even for this type of opening. Did you really always know you wanted to study this particular area of this particular field? Then why go do all these other things? (mind you, you may have perfectly legitimate answers but your readers will make up their minds without asking you.)

3. Is there a better way to tie your previous experience in teaching and your degree to your current application? Your description of its contribution is very vague and general.

4. Similarly for your description of your independent studies. The description of what you took from them is very vague. Do you get back to this project later in your SOP and describe the actual things you did and learned? If you choose to go with this type of opening, it'll do your application good if you give specific examples and details of what you did and what you learned from it instead of listing positive character traits you say it honed in you (this is the "show, don't tell" common wisdom).

FWIW, I didn't find the phrase "exploratory period away from academia" particularly offensive. Why would it be? Seems like a good way to describe what it meant for you, if you ask me.

[1Q84]

Thanks so much for the feedback, fuzzy!

As for the "exploratory period" sentence, I wasn't sure if some academics might wonder, "well, why wouldn't you be doing your intellectual exploring WITHIN academia? What's wrong with you!?" Yeah, paranoia.

Here's a somewhat revised version. I couldn't really address #4 of your points, because my independent research was simply just going to the library nonstop and reading scholars who do work in the Renaissance Lit and gender studies and grounding and familiarising myself with that interdisciplinary field. Is that even worth mentioning or do adcomms need to see actual projects, papers I wrote, etc.

Tacitus, while describing the experiential process of removing bitumen from lakes in Jerusalem, wrote in the Annales, his great historical treatise of Imperial Rome: “experientia docuit”, which is usually glossed as “experience teaches”. In a wider sense it can mean experience is the art that teaches all other arts, an adage I feel represents my academic career well. Though I have taken many detours in my life on my way toward graduate studies, each one has its own importance to my passion for the English language. My year spent teaching English in South Korea after my undergraduate work led to an interest in secondary school education, which informed my decision to pursue a Bachelor of Education. I gained a great deal from this second bachelor’s degree, with two facets that stand out in particular: the reinvigoration of my passion for research and academia and my first exposure to the field of gender studies. The latter, in particular, has been both illuminating and inspirational; continuous academic research as well as first-hand practicum teaching experience has allowed me to explore the deep impact of gender socialisation on secondary school students and the need for more understanding. Insofar as interdisciplinary pursuits usually beget unexpected results, this practical experience has unexpectedly evolved into a desire to explore the theoretical in an attempt to understand the deeper bedrock of prevailing Western societal conceptions of gender by means of literature.

I have spent the intervening period since my undergraduate degree doing independent, interest-based research grounded in the intersection of these two great passions of mine: gender studies and Renaissance literature, which has helped me to focus my dedication as well as hone my motivation, tenacity and research skills. I strongly believe that this exploratory period away from academia has allowed me to grow personally as well as discover my interests fully and absorb new ideas.

[fuzzylogician]

Having never been on an adcom I can't really tell you what they'd want to see - I'd imagine that actually seeing successful projects (=publications, other papers) firsthand is great but not everybody will take the time to do that for every applicant. Your recommenders should take the time to describe the details of what you did in their letters, and that's one main source of information for adcoms about your proficiency in the field. Beyond that, I think that being able to articulate the details of what you did in your SOP is also very important. It demonstrates that you understand which parts are important and you can place them in the appropriate context to convey your role in the project. I think that this ability is more important than having a publication from a project because lets face it, most undergraduates, MA students and even PhD students (in some fields) will not have a (serious) publication in their name before they graduate. When you stay on this site long enough and read enough SOPs, you learn that the strong ones are the ones that contain detailed information about the person's interests, If you can articulate where you are in the field - what questions you care about and why, and how that fits with where you field currently stands - that shows that you have the maturity to start a PhD program and the ability to stick it out, because you understand what you're getting yourself into. I think that's more important than having the actual publication.

Re: your intro. Yeah, this is more like it.

1. I again stumbled on the first sentence (but maybe this style is common in your field -- it really isn't in mine).

2. The latter, in particular, has been both illuminating and inspirational; continuous academic research as well as first-hand practicum teaching experience has allowed me to explore the deep impact of gender socialisation on secondary school students and the need for more understanding - will you tell us more about the "academic research" later? it sounds extremely vague; "the need for understanding" - understanding what, why?

3. Insofar as interdisciplinary pursuits usually beget unexpected results, this practical experience has unexpectedly evolved into a desire to explore the theoretical in an attempt to understand the deeper bedrock of prevailing Western societal conceptions of gender by means of literature. Whoa, grandiose yet vague. This could be pared down and made more precise. You don't need to say "explore the theoretical" or "understand the deeper bedrock of ..." just say a desire to study XXX (or something along those lines). I assume you'll tell us what conceptions you're talking about and what literature you'll be exploring later?

4. Now I'm prone to saying - get rid of the "exploratory period" section - it feels out of place. Again, it's very heavy on pretty words but it doesn't say anything. And if, as you say, your "interest-based research" was essentially reading in the library, I'm not sure all this verbiage is even supported by fact. Did doing that really "hone your tenacity?" no offense, but it sounds like you're just using this as an exercise in creating writing instead of what it should be - a tightly written research statement.

[1Q84]

Well-noted. Thanks again for the detailed notes! No offense taken. The more direct critical pointers I can get, the better. I am kind of prone to the flowery writing, I know.

The academic research will come later, yes, but I also don't want to go on and on about what I did in my Bachelor of Education. It seems mostly irrelevant. I suppose I should insert one sentence to explain that, though.

And yes, the other paragraphs are much more detailed. I would post the whole thing here but I don't want to get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to revise at once.

I think my biggest stumbling block is that I'm trying to compensate for the fact that I don't have any research projects under my belt. Considering this is basically what everyone says matters most in an SOP, I'm worried. I don't really know what else to talk about if I don't have any specific projects I can reference.

In terms of taking initiative and reading up on my area of interest, I was trying to portray that as tenacity and drive to pursue my interests independently, something that I'm told adcomms really like. For example, would it be better if, when I talk about this independent "research" that I did, that I talk about the different scholarly work that I became familiar with and how it will inform my future goals? Because it's not like I can say "well, I did some independent research and wrote an essay for myself." Right?

I guess the fact that I even have to explain it makes it poorly written enough. Hmmm.

Edited August 7, 2012 by ponponpon

[fuzzylogician]

Well-noted. Thanks again for the detailed notes! No offense taken. The more direct critical pointers I can get, the better. I am kind of prone to the flowery writing, I know.

The academic research will come later, yes, but I also don't want to go on and on about what I did in my Bachelor of Education. It seems mostly irrelevant. I suppose I should insert one sentence to explain that, though.

I think I mostly like the amount of detail you have. It's just the very broad seemingly baseless statements that I find hard to work through. You don't need to give irrelevant details about what you studied, but you were doing a good job tying your degree to your current studies so I was hoping for more of that.

I think my biggest stumbling block is that I'm trying to compensate for the fact that I don't have any research projects under my belt. Considering this is basically what everyone says matters most in an SOP, I'm worried. I don't really know what else to talk about if I don't have any specific projects I can reference.

You need to be careful about the advice you read on the gradcafe. It's sometimes very general, and many people aren't careful about pinpointing who their advice targets. People in STEM fields may need to have projects before they start grad school, but I don't think that holds for many other fields. Or maybe I don't understand what you mean by "project." I understand you're a nontraditional student with a different background than most students. If that means that you didn't do a BA in the field you want to study now or you've never written a large paper for a class about anything similar, then the question you want to be able to answer for the adcom members is - "does she really know what she's getting herself into?" that is, do you understand the field? are you familiar with the prominent questions it is currently preoccupied with? are you sure the work you are interested in is done in this field? One good way to answer this question is to give detailed relevant descriptions of your interests. If you went and read up on your field, was it just random? or was it topic-directed? is there a question or cluster of questions that intrigue you? can you describe your independent study in that context - explain your interests and how they developed and became more focused through your research. There doesn't need to be a final paper or presentation - in many fields it'd be great but not necessary - but you should demonstrate that you actually learned something. Again, show, don't tell.

This will also help you get started on the fit paragraph that I saw you asked about elsewhere. I assume that you've chosen schools to apply to that have professors who do relevant work. Identify the professors and explain how their work will help yours. Imagine that the adcom gives each prof the SOPs that identify him/her to read, to choose students who stand out. If they see how your interests match theirs, and you seem like a focused student with a clear vision of what she's doing, then you'll stand out.

In terms of taking initiative and reading up on my area of interest, I was trying to portray that as tenacity and drive to pursue my interests independently, something that I'm told adcomms really like.

I guess the fact that I even have to explain it makes it poorly written enough. Hmmm.

Yes, everyone likes initiative and tenacity. But show, don't tell. Explain what you did in detail. That will show that you're invested and determined. If you can, have a LOR writer explain your motivation. Saying "I'm motivated" is far less convincing than laying out the details of how your motivation has pushed you to achievements in the past.

[1Q84]

I hope it's okay that I keep coming back to you for more help...!

Or maybe I don't understand what you mean by "project." I understand you're a nontraditional student with a different background than most students. If that means that you didn't do a BA in the field you want to study now or you've never written a large paper for a class about anything similar, then the question you want to be able to answer for the adcom members is - "does she really know what she's getting herself into?" that is, do you understand the field? are you familiar with the prominent questions it is currently preoccupied with? are you sure the work you are interested in is done in this field? One good way to answer this question is to give detailed relevant descriptions of your interests. If you went and read up on your field, was it just random? or was it topic-directed? is there a question or cluster of questions that intrigue you? can you describe your independent study in that context - explain your interests and how they developed and became more focused through your research. There doesn't need to be a final paper or presentation - in many fields it'd be great but not necessary - but you should demonstrate that you actually learned something. Again, show, don't tell.

Ah, I may have been unclear. No, my BA was a double major in English Lit and Latin. I not so much nontraditional as I fell out of academia for a couple of years and didn't perform so well in my undergrad that I would have a strong relationship with professors and a strong GPA.

By project I meant like a research paper or published article or assistantship or something to show for my undergraduate work. I'm not sure if it's usual or unusual for undergrads to show that they have this experience. Otherwise, no, I do have a bunch of term papers I wrote for English Lit classes. Would that be enough to point to and say "see"?

This will also help you get started on the fit paragraph that I saw you asked about elsewhere. I assume that you've chosen schools to apply to that have professors who do relevant work. Identify the professors and explain how their work will help yours. Imagine that the adcom gives each prof the SOPs that identify him/her to read, to choose students who stand out. If they see how your interests match theirs, and you seem like a focused student with a clear vision of what she's doing, then you'll stand out.

Right! I'm having trouble pinpointing the tone that this paragraph should have. "I would love to work with Prof. X because of their work in ABC" or "Prof. X's work in ABC seems similar to my interests and I feel I benefit from working with him/her". Should I say "I have been in contact with Prof. X and I feel that we are both working in similar research areas"? Argh!

I'm not sure if it's in keeping with the spirit of these SOP threads (if so, I'll post it here) but I've PM'd you my revised paragraph that kind of mixes intro with future (talking about my past and how that relates to my future projects). Please let me know if you don't feel like looking this over again, really!

Edited August 8, 2012 by ponponpon

[fuzzylogician]

I'm not sure if it's in keeping with the spirit of these SOP threads (if so, I'll post it here) but I've PM'd you my revised paragraph that kind of mixes intro with future (talking about my past and how that relates to my future projects). Please let me know if you don't feel like looking this over again, really!

For future reference, for whoever is reading this post, please DO NOT just PM me your SOP if I have not agreed to read it in advance. Furthermore, most of the time I will NOT agree to read your SOP. I get a lot of these requests; I do this on a volunteer basis in my spare time, and I can't commit to helping you all. As you'll notice I do comment on threads in the community when I have the time, but I am not an expert and you shouldn't treat me like one. THANK YOU.

[1Q84]

Very, very sorry. Didn't mean to offend or presume!

[minke]

I think you'd benefit immensely from cutting this paragraph in half. It's verbose, passive, and I don't feel like I know you or your likely success in an english grad program any better after reading the entire thing. A statement of purpose is your opinion or belief by definition, any use of these phrases is redundant.

I revised your intro sentences. You used ~80 words, I used ~50.

The quote “experientia docuit” is usually translated as “experience teaches,” but in a wider sense it can mean experience is the art that teaches all other arts. This rings true of my academic career; each of the side paths that I explored contributed to my passion for the academic study of the English language.

This is your thesis. Spend the essay proving it.

My year spent teaching English in South Korea after my undergraduate work led to an interest in secondary school education, which informed my decision to pursue a Bachelor of Education. I gained a great deal from this second bachelor’s degree, with two facets that stand out in particular: the reinvigoration of my passion for research and academia and my first exposure to the field of gender studies. The latter, in particular, has been both illuminating and inspirational; continuous academic research as well as first-hand practicum teaching experience has allowed me to explore the deep impact of gender socialisation on secondary school students and the need for more understanding.

Any particular insights here? More understanding on whose part?

Insofar as interdisciplinary pursuits usually beget unexpected results, this practical experience has unexpectedly evolved into a desire to explore the theoretical in an attempt to understand the deeper bedrock of prevailing Western societal conceptions of gender by means of literature.

I have spent the intervening period since my undergraduate degree doing independent, interest-based research grounded in the intersection of these two great passions of mine: gender studies and Renaissance literature, which has helped me to focus my dedication as well as hone my motivation, tenacity and research skills. I strongly believe that this exploratory period away from academia has allowed me to grow personally as well as discover my interests fully and absorb new ideas.

Who did you read? Who did you find most compelling? Why do you want to study this for so long?

Edit brutally! Print it out and get out the red pen! Have fun with it...

Also, consider leaning towards masters programs. If you don't have high level undergrad preparation in these areas, despite all of your self-directed study you might benefit from some structured academic exploration of the discipline before attempting a PhD.

[1Q84]

Thank you so much for the feedback! Needless to say, I've been viciously editing it since this thread and it's quite different from what I posted here. But I'm sure there's still way more cutting that needs to be done... so thank you for your help

ETA: And yes I have been rethinking the PhD thing for now. The funding problem is just getting to me...

Edited August 27, 2012 by 1Q84