Grad School and Long distance relationships

[ConfusedMind]

Hello folks,

So long story short. My girlfriend and I applied to the same set of schools and wanted to do grad school together. However a twist of fate , she didnt get admitted to the university I got into and I couldnt afford her university. Now, we're living on opposite sides of the country , 8 hours away from each other. So we were forced into a long distance relation .I love her to bits and cant forgive myself for not being able to be with her. I somehow feel im losing her, since she has other 'guys' hitting on her and she often doesnt have the time to answer my calls/ text me. I understand that I may be coming across as immature, but Im finding it truly very difficult to cope up with grad studies and the pain.

She does have an option to transfer to my university, but she says the pain involved in relocating all over again(we are from another country) is way too much.. Have I lost her ? Or is it genuinely her not being able to cope?

I have literally lost interest in life and studies because of all this.

Hope someone can help.

[Dal PhDer]

I think it might be best to talk to someone at your school about this. Most schools have free counselling that you be able to help you with the feelings you are having, and shed light onto your personal life and the dynamics of being in a long distance relationship. Your best bet is to contact them as soon as possible and let them know how you are feeling.

Graduate school is stressful and overwhelming on it's own. To add additional stress and loss (just moving away from your partner is hard), compounds it all. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and would benefit from talking to someone that could help you figure out the situation you are in with your partner.

The best of luck.

[mandarin.orange]

Check out this thread - namely dimanche's excellent post on how she made it work. She's spot-on that it takes forgiveness, humility, self-awareness, and mutual commitment to make it last.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your girlfriend isn't exhibiting many of those traits right now...if she's liking the male attention, she may simply not be ready for a long-term, long-distance relationship...many aren't in their early 20s, and need time to be young, feel they have "options," make mistakes and just get it out of their system.

I won't assume any more about y'all's relationship beyond that. Dal PhDer gave excellent advice about seeking a counselor's help.

Edited September 12, 2012 by mandarin.orange

[3point14]

My boyfriend and I did long distance for a year while he was in grad school, and I was not. It was really really hard. In a long distance relationship, it's really not enough to love each other and hope everything works out for the best. Both parties have to be willing to compromise. Open, honest communication is absolutely key. Have you told her that you feel like she doesn't have time for you? Something that really helped us was to schedule weekly skype dates. It sounds like you really need to have a good talk with her and find out exactly where you both stand in regard to the relationship.

[michigan girl]

From my experience, long-distance relationships work if both partners are committed and feel connected to one another. If there is no chemistry and/or one of the partners has selfish reasons, the relationship is doomed to fail.

[phonology_rocks]

My stroy is a little differnt, my bf is still an undergrad and I am starting my MA in NY (hes in MN) and its hell. He is going to be next year, but still thats in 11 months. To make it even better my roommate who is in a professional program (and I am not), has a boyfriend two hours away, cries all the time and has gone home every weekend WITHOUT TEXT BOOKS (sorry for the caps but it just kills me) I will see my bf for the first time in 10 weeks in october, and shes gone for four days without hers, and she won't stop reminding me, and has the nerve to tell mine is the better situation, when there will be months we can't see each other...I am beyond jealous...

IN my case my program is work heavy and I have no time to socalize, so thats not an issue....its just lonely a lot of my classmates are really hard to be friend because they are from other cultures and I swear I am trying......

Anyways, sorry for complaining.....I don't think you should feel liek your losing her......I am sad as can be being away from him but hes still there to text me or talk if I need too... I think you should talk to her, tell her how much she matters and ask her if she really wants to do this...(I know that sounds crazy but before I left i explained how I got it, hes a senior undergrad and I am in grad school a million miles away if he didn't want to deal with that I'd rather know now then latter..) This triggered an emotional conversation, but it was a talk we needed to have....I left knowing that to him I was worth the miles and the wait....but honestly as much as I love him I would have understood it if my little sentence broke us up.....

[raise cain]

My stroy is a little differnt, my bf is still an undergrad and I am starting my MA in NY (hes in MN) and its hell. He is going to be next year, but still thats in 11 months. To make it even better my roommate who is in a professional program (and I am not), has a boyfriend two hours away, cries all the time and has gone home every weekend WITHOUT TEXT BOOKS (sorry for the caps but it just kills me) I will see my bf for the first time in 10 weeks in october, and shes gone for four days without hers, and she won't stop reminding me, and has the nerve to tell mine is the better situation, when there will be months we can't see each other...I am beyond jealous...

IN my case my program is work heavy and I have no time to socalize, so thats not an issue....its just lonely a lot of my classmates are really hard to be friend because they are from other cultures and I swear I am trying......

Anyways, sorry for complaining.....I don't think you should feel liek your losing her......I am sad as can be being away from him but hes still there to text me or talk if I need too... I think you should talk to her, tell her how much she matters and ask her if she really wants to do this...(I know that sounds crazy but before I left i explained how I got it, hes a senior undergrad and I am in grad school a million miles away if he didn't want to deal with that I'd rather know now then latter..) This triggered an emotional conversation, but it was a talk we needed to have....I left knowing that to him I was worth the miles and the wait....but honestly as much as I love him I would have understood it if my little sentence broke us up.....

Seems like your roommate has some dependency issues. Two hours away? Give me a break. My partner and I lived in the same city but were two hours away on public transit. The joys of living on opposite sides of a huge city But I certainly didn't cry all the time. You obviously seem much stronger than that, and I'm sorry you have to go through her melodrama. Don't be jealous... her situation sounds horrible. I can't imagine what the guy is like either.

[phonology_rocks]

I think its just the fact that its four days....and I like have to bit my tounge to keep from screaming shove it, try waiting three months then tell me I am better off ....

She does have depndency issues she keeps saying he might drive up for one night next weekend but he hasn't yet...I dunno...Thanks, I am for sure stronger, I think I just feel it would be a lot easier if I was around happy people, yeah know?

Anyways its crazy to me even think of that as long distance, I know its not ideal, but really? I guess I'll just try to stop thinking about the comparison because there isn't one, if only she could see that.

I am sorry thought that you guys live in the same city and it takes tow hours by public transit....that would be a huge pain.

[raise cain]

I think its just the fact that its four days....and I like have to bit my tounge to keep from screaming shove it, try waiting three months then tell me I am better off ....

She does have depndency issues she keeps saying he might drive up for one night next weekend but he hasn't yet...I dunno...Thanks, I am for sure stronger, I think I just feel it would be a lot easier if I was around happy people, yeah know?

Anyways its crazy to me even think of that as long distance, I know its not ideal, but really? I guess I'll just try to stop thinking about the comparison because there isn't one, if only she could see that.

I am sorry thought that you guys live in the same city and it takes tow hours by public transit....that would be a huge pain.

Well, now we live in different provinces which is about 6 -7 hours by bus. Not to mention he is often away on tour, and me on academic trips..

It's ok to be frustrated, I would be too. There's not much you can say to her either, as she seems totally in her head. Good luck!

[phonology_rocks]

Geez that sucks, that's bad like mine, i am sorry.....because i'd imagine its still pretty hard to visit. shes very much in her own head I keep telling her I don't agree she can only see it from one side....Thanks for the good luck! You too!