Panic attacks: advice on surviving the last 3 weeks?

[somer8077]

I apologize in advance if this post comes across as too naive, emotional, self-pitying and all..but--I'm just going to be honest and say it:

For the past couple weeks, I've been getting increasingly nervous and panicky thinking about the mid-Dec deadlines looming closer and closer. I wouldn't have any reason to be this anxious if I felt secure enough about my SOP and the WS, but the miserable fact is, I'm nowhere near done on both pieces (NOT as in "oh I need to edit here and there," but rather, "my thesis falls apart on a daily basis and I'm still reading sources"). And, the fact that I'm nowhere near done makes me panic even more, and leads to being even more unproductive. It's a bad cycle, and as much as I'm trying to cope with my anxieties, I'm starting to feel extreme doubts about whether I'm actually even going to meet the deadlines.

I also heard, couple days ago, from someone in a program that the WS absolutely needs to be "journal quality/publishable" and this adds to the stress...does anyone know if this is true? I thought all this time that I just need to show potential as a growing thinker...?

Well. Mostly, I just wanted us to commiserate together, if any of you out here feel similarly.

If there are those on the other side of this horrific process, and felt anything similar to this, do you care to share your tales/ give advice on surviving+being ultra-productive these next three weeks?

Thanks for reading. Good luck to everyone.

[skybythelight]

I have the same problem with productivity: I get myself too stressed out and worked up that I end up accomplishing nothing, adding to the stress and anxiety. It's a horrible cycle. I'm just trying to do what I can every day, even if it's just a half hour of reading, getting a paragraph written for my SoP, whatever. Anything helps. And my first deadline is December 1st, eek!

I'm also not really close to being done with my sample... I've got the bulk of the paper drafted, but I haven't started on the introduction yet and am currently waiting for a book from my advisor to do so, which is making me feel like I'm just treading water.

[Phil Sparrow]

I know that this response will probably win me very few friends here, but if you feel like you can't (or can barely) cope with the anxiety of applying to doctoral programs, you should rethink whether or not academia is for you. Because the anxiety will only get worse, and the stakes will only get higher. I'm not just talking in the first year, or in your 5-10 years in grad school, but imagine this: the anxiety that you are feeling now, multiplied by 100 and with your actual livelihood hanging in the balance, from now until you---maybe, if you're very lucky and are much more productive than 95% of your peers---get tenure. Which means 5-10 years of school, maybe 2-5 years on the job market, 6-7 years on the tenure track. Envision it as twenty more years of what you're feeling now, only with five writing samples and ten SOPs to prepare at any given time (plus grading, advising, committee memberships, peer reviewing, and so on).

This is not to say that the OP can't cope with the situation, but IF that's the case, take a break, don't apply this year, and give yourself another twelve months to prepare and/or rethink whether you want to actually do this. If you feel this anxiety but can cope with it in a healthy and productive way, then congrats! You may be well on your way to becoming another neurotic but satisfied academic! Which is absolutely fabulous.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Phil Sparrow

[ProfLorax]

I don't know if the title ("Panic Attacks") was hyperbolic or not, but if you are truly having panic attacks, get thee to a doctor. I experienced similar bouts of anxiety (coupled with irrational crying, shortness of breath, and difficulty sleeping) this summer before my wedding, and I went to a therapist and a doctor. They both gave me some coping strategies which I used successfully before the wedding. Now, I feel like I am better at self-soothing; thus, my PhD application process not nearly as nerve-wrecking as it probably should be. I mean, I am suffering from the same moments as insecurity as everyone else, but I have been able to experience those downs and then move on. Make sure that you balance taking care of yourself and focusing on your applications because, as Phil Sparrow notes, this is just the beginning. Fortunately, if we find ways to recover quickly and fully from our periodic freakouts, we'll manage this messy world of academia just fine!

[Phil Sparrow]

Yes, of course, this! Proflorax is right on.

I don't know if the title ("Panic Attacks") was hyperbolic or not, but if you are truly having panic attacks, get thee to a doctor. I experienced similar bouts of anxiety (coupled with irrational crying, shortness of breath, and difficulty sleeping) this summer before my wedding, and I went to a therapist and a doctor. They both gave me some coping strategies which I used successfully before the wedding. Now, I feel like I am better at self-soothing; thus, my PhD application process not nearly as nerve-wrecking as it probably should be. I mean, I am suffering from the same moments as insecurity as everyone else, but I have been able to experience those downs and then move on. Make sure that you balance taking care of yourself and focusing on your applications because, as Phil Sparrow notes, this is just the beginning. Fortunately, if we find ways to recover quickly and fully from our periodic freakouts, we'll manage this messy world of academia just fine!

[Two Espressos]

I apologize in advance if this post comes across as too naive, emotional, self-pitying and all..but--I'm just going to be honest and say it:

For the past couple weeks, I've been getting increasingly nervous and panicky thinking about the mid-Dec deadlines looming closer and closer. I wouldn't have any reason to be this anxious if I felt secure enough about my SOP and the WS, but the miserable fact is, I'm nowhere near done on both pieces (NOT as in "oh I need to edit here and there," but rather, "my thesis falls apart on a daily basis and I'm still reading sources"). And, the fact that I'm nowhere near done makes me panic even more, and leads to being even more unproductive. It's a bad cycle, and as much as I'm trying to cope with my anxieties, I'm starting to feel extreme doubts about whether I'm actually even going to meet the deadlines.

I also heard, couple days ago, from someone in a program that the WS absolutely needs to be "journal quality/publishable" and this adds to the stress...does anyone know if this is true? I thought all this time that I just need to show potential as a growing thinker...?

Well. Mostly, I just wanted us to commiserate together, if any of you out here feel similarly.

If there are those on the other side of this horrific process, and felt anything similar to this, do you care to share your tales/ give advice on surviving+being ultra-productive these next three weeks?

Thanks for reading. Good luck to everyone.

I'm in a similar position. My SOP and writing sample are only partially finished. And I *hate* my writing sample. I don't like it at all. Most of my letters of recommendation haven't come in yet either. And my applications are due in less than two weeks! I'm fully expecting to be shut out of my programs, but it's too late to turn back now...

As far as the writing sample goes, fuck no it doesn't need to be of publishable quality. Why would you need a Ph.D. in English if you're already pumping out high-level scholarship? That being said--and sorry if this makes you more neurotic-- there will be those applicants whose writing samples *are* of publishable quality. I think (hope? pray?) that these people compose only a very small minority of the overall application pool.

[practical cat]

Panic attacks? No. Dreams where I'm in a really high stakes fight to the death situation? Absolutely.

Bird by bird, my friends. Bird by bird. I'm making tangible, concrete lists of small, manageable tasks to do each day (or not if I've allotted myself a day off like yesterday) and then, when I go to sit down and actually DO them, I clear my head of the bigger picture. I only need to get my two pages done in this writing session and that's it and it will be a real achievement that I will feel proud about.

Also, OK. I was feeling this way in the beginning of the month and I cut out caffeine for fifteen days. It helped me clear my head of outside anxiety (caffeine makes me anxious) enough to regain some ability to focus. All that time I was spending worrying became time I was spending working. If there are any outside stressors that you can eliminate (especially easily!), I would give that a try. I think sometimes when we're feeling application anxiety super badly, it's not always all about the applications.

To commiserate: I have five pages of a twenty page writing sample actually written, my SOP almost makes sense (but not really, you know?), I still have to write up some sort of personal history/narrative, and all of my letter writers are on sabbatical. But, OK. I don't have much control over other people, be they my letter writers or those hypothetical people submitting publishable writing samples but I do have control over myself and what I do every day. This is probably all doable.

[rems]

I also heard, couple days ago, from someone in a program that the WS absolutely needs to be "journal quality/publishable" and this adds to the stress...does anyone know if this is true? I thought all this time that I just need to show potential as a growing thinker...?

[IG-88]

That cannot be true. It's my understanding that very few graduate students produce publishable work until they are at least a couple of years into their programs.

[Enzian]

I've been a casual reader of these boards for about two years and it seems to me that just about everyone hates their WS (at least at some point, if not always), everyone dreads the SOP, no one knows exactly how to write it, and there's a high level of anxiety common to everyone. This doesn't minimize the anxiety that you or anyone else is actually feeling, of course, but hopefully there's some solace in knowing that this is part of the process, for better or for worse, and you're on course. This is to be expected when you know you're opening yourself up for judgment and potentially rejection of (what feels to you like) a very personal nature. What's also been made clear to me is that "requirements" are pretty subjective, "expectations" differ even among members of the same admissions committee, and what works for one applicant at one school one year will inevitably fail someone else somewhere else at some other time. Just represent yourself to the best of your ability under the time (financial/personal, etc.) constraints given -- that's really all anyone can do -- and hope for the best. Your instinct that the purpose of this application is to present your potential as a growing thinker is, in my opinion, right on the mark. Do that.

Anecdotally, my phd program offer definitely did not come as a result of my WS being of "publishable" quality and that expectation reads to me like someone either trying to intimidate you or (misguidedly) motivate you to produce your best work. And if there are programs out there that expect to receive "publishable" (whatever that means to them) writing samples from applicants, do you really want to be a part of them? How would you negotiate the stress of actually progressing through such a program?

[ohgoodness]

That cannot be true. It's my understanding that very few graduate students produce publishable work until they are at least a couple of years into their programs.

All depends on where you are at. All the Ph.Ds at my program start with their work day 1 but this is Sweden so It's all about the program you are in and the advisor you have.

[Two Espressos]

I've been a casual reader of these boards for about two years and it seems to me that just about everyone hates their WS (at least at some point, if not always), everyone dreads the SOP, no one knows exactly how to write it, and there's a high level of anxiety common to everyone. This doesn't minimize the anxiety that you or anyone else is actually feeling, of course, but hopefully there's some solace in knowing that this is part of the process, for better or for worse, and you're on course. This is to be expected when you know you're opening yourself up for judgment and potentially rejection of (what feels to you like) a very personal nature. What's also been made clear to me is that "requirements" are pretty subjective, "expectations" differ even among members of the same admissions committee, and what works for one applicant at one school one year will inevitably fail someone else somewhere else at some other time. Just represent yourself to the best of your ability under the time (financial/personal, etc.) constraints given -- that's really all anyone can do -- and hope for the best. Your instinct that the purpose of this application is to present your potential as a growing thinker is, in my opinion, right on the mark. Do that.

Anecdotally, my phd program offer definitely did not come as a result of my WS being of "publishable" quality and that expectation reads to me like someone either trying to intimidate you or (misguidedly) motivate you to produce your best work. And if there are programs out there that expect to receive "publishable" (whatever that means to them) writing samples from applicants, do you really want to be a part of them? How would you negotiate the stress of actually progressing through such a program?

Excellent post, Enzian! Thank you.

[Swagato]

I don't think even my (film and media studies) programs at the very top-flight departments (Chicago, Berkeley, etc.) expect a writing sample that is of publishable quality. It just doesn't make sense. Several applicants will have conference presentations under their belt (especially if they are entering with MAs, as is increasingly the case across the humanities), but again, not all admitted students will have this. Some may have smaller journal publications (student journals, or online journals), but it'd be very very rare to have an applicant with a *Critical Inquiry* publication. Everything I have heard suggests they look for the indications that the person they admit will probably publish soon, but that's about it.

[mostlytoasty]

Hi Somer (and everyone else), here's some advice my MA thesis advisor gave me about the writing sample that I think you'd find helpful: it doesn't have to be groundbreaking or ready-to-publish work. While you should aim to ask interesting questions, you don't have to give the adcom a mind-blowingly brilliant rereading of a text—it just rarely happens this early on. What they really want to see is a range of skills that you will be expected to have in a PhD program, such as close reading, the ability to define and execute research parameters, and that you can navigate secondary literary criticism in a normal, responsible way. Your WS should show you can do the things you want to do in your SOP. Perhaps your WS will show off your ability to do historical or archival research. There are plenty of applications that make it through that aren't "perfect," but they are at least persuasive readings and engage in literary criticism. All in all, don't obsess over how "smart" the WS is, but how you can craft it to show off a range of skills.

I hope this helps! I'm in the same boat. Not done with my writing sample, and I need to cut it down to a bunch of different page ranges. After looking at it for so long I'm just not happy with it. I'll hope for the best. Hang in there!