Program Visits: Breastfeeding Mom

[whirledpeas13]

I am seeking advice. I am horribly worried about grad school visits in the spring, as I have a 7 mo old who actively breastfeeding every 2-3 hours. I don't really know what to do, as my husband and I really can't afford to pay for him to come with me, but I don't see another option. I can't leave my baby behind (she wouldn't sleep or eat if I was gone, and my husband can't really afford to miss work). Does anyone have experience with this? I can't imagine just bringing her with to a visit.... I think that would be seriously looked down upon, but I know it's department to department. I haven't even mentioned I am a mother, because I'm worried about discrimination during the selection process. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome.

[rising_star]

Hi whirledpeas, you might just have to make do with Skype, phone, and email conversations with POIs and current graduate students if you are unable to visit. I didn't visit all the PhD programs I was admitted to and it worked out okay. In fact, I decided to enroll at a program I didn't visit based on extensive phone conversations with current students and with my potential advisor.

[herbertmarcuse]

I read an article on that which might interest you.

 

http://contexts.org/articles/fall-2009/breastfeed-at-your-own-risk/

 

Good luck,

 

HM

[MammaD]

Is there anyone at all in the area you could hook up with, who might be able to wear your baby in a sling/carrier while you're in interviews? Or a friend who might meet you there, or a home schooled member of your church or older child of a mom's group friend you could take along? If you feel like not interviewing in person will hurt your chances of getting in, there are options for going, taking your baby, and still presenting yourself as competent, professional, and able to juggle the demands of school and motherhood. I know you don't feel like right now is your time to be a pioneer in your field -- but I applaud you for mothering your baby in the manner that feels right to you, and I believe you will be a great example to your colleagues and fellow students that a woman's contribution to society can extend beyond her incredibly important but often hidden role as Mother. I'd love to help you brainstorm some more. I combined breastfeeding with military service for a decade and I'm now seeking to combine motherhood (all of my babies are weaned!) and a PhD program (currently combining motherhood with a MPH). You can do it, mamma!

[TakeruK]

Some schools allowed my wife to visit with me, so I think it would not hurt to ask about your child. By springtime, the decisions will have been made, so you have the balance of power now. You can use the school's reaction to this information to help you make your decision on where to go too! Not all schools will be able to fly an addition person out but at least there's not going to be extra costs like food, hotel etc. But the way they say no might provide useful information too.

 

Some schools are very supportive of students who are parents. Some schools increase your stipend if you have dependents (by way of benefits usually) and I know my department has a lactation room for staff, faculty and students who may need to breastfeed during working hours.

 

I think if you wait until the school already made a decision on you, then it can't hurt you too much if you mention this special case and see what they say. You might end up doing a "virtual visit" but it doesn't hurt to ask. If you do want to travel with your child, they might even be able to help you out partially or fully.

[languages-etc]

I second the good ideas given by TakeruK and MammaD above. See what resources are available on campus. 

 

If you don't have a friend or someone else who could watch your baby while you're visiting, another idea is to contact the campus job office (where students go to find on-campus jobs). You can post a job listing for a one-day babysitting gig and have them watch the baby nearby, so you could still nurse. Of course, it would be a relative stranger, which I realize is not ideal, but you could specify it would need to be a woman with experience and good references. 

[wildviolet]

Don't worry about bringing your baby along. Ask if there are resources you can use while you're there so that you can keep feeding your baby but also meet with people. I recently discovered that my department has a breastfeeding room! My kids are school-age now, but I would have appreciated it when I was nursing my kids.

 

Or, the alternative is to try and glean what you can from phone/Skype conversations with faculty, grad students, and recent grads. My visit last spring just confirmed what I had already learned through these conversations. So, it's possible to learn about the atmosphere of the university from a distance.

 

Also, I would not worry about being discriminated against because you're a mother. I can't speak for every department, but my department is incredibly supportive of parents (both men and women). My colleagues are the first ones to step up if I need backup babysitting. Good luck!

[whirledpeas13]

Is there anyone at all in the area you could hook up with, who might be able to wear your baby in a sling/carrier while you're in interviews? Or a friend who might meet you there, or a home schooled member of your church or older child of a mom's group friend you could take along? If you feel like not interviewing in person will hurt your chances of getting in, there are options for going, taking your baby, and still presenting yourself as competent, professional, and able to juggle the demands of school and motherhood. I know you don't feel like right now is your time to be a pioneer in your field -- but I applaud you for mothering your baby in the manner that feels right to you, and I believe you will be a great example to your colleagues and fellow students that a woman's contribution to society can extend beyond her incredibly important but often hidden role as Mother. I'd love to help you brainstorm some more. I combined breastfeeding with military service for a decade and I'm now seeking to combine motherhood (all of my babies are weaned!) and a PhD program (currently combining motherhood with a MPH). You can do it, mamma!

Combining breastfeeding with military service!! Wow! That DOES give me hope. There is a small chance I could coordinate my visit with a friend of mine who has family in the area, or other scholars/colleagues I know who might be able to travel for a conference. I don't want to bank on that, but it is a great idea. I don't have anyone I know in any of the states in which there I programs I've applied to, unfortunately. 

Don't worry about bringing your baby along. Ask if there are resources you can use while you're there so that you can keep feeding your baby but also meet with people. I recently discovered that my department has a breastfeeding room! My kids are school-age now, but I would have appreciated it when I was nursing my kids.   Or, the alternative is to try and glean what you can from phone/Skype conversations with faculty, grad students, and recent grads. My visit last spring just confirmed what I had already learned through these conversations. So, it's possible to learn about the atmosphere of the university from a distance.   Also, I would not worry about being discriminated against because you're a mother. I can't speak for every department, but my department is incredibly supportive of parents (both men and women). My colleagues are the first ones to step up if I need backup babysitting. Good luck!

How do I go about investigating whether programs are kid friendly before going and before asking for breastfeeding accommodations? As a first-generation student, I don't really know department cultures to begin with, let alone what would cross the personal/professional line. I love my undergraduate department, but even here I feel I have to be very cautious not to bring my daughter to meetings or really discuss being a mother at all. In fact, one of my letter writers with whom I am very close told me I should not mention that I am a mom on any part of my application, because he knows members of their admission committee do discriminate, as they believe a mom won't be as dedicated to her studies as her peers, or won't be able to withstand the "rigors" of doctoral study. He told me he clearly does not feel that way about me, but that it does not stop people from having their biases. Another scholar I know was rejected from Med School after they found out she was a mom (the director of our scholars program contacted the program after hearing of the rejection and was informed confidentially). I will say, however, that many of my professors are 100% supportive of me and my circumstances, often asking about my little one, commenting on my abilities, etc. Going somewhere unfamiliar makes me incredibly uneasy, because I don't know the department politics, and parenthood has proved more controversial than anything I have experiences so far in my lifetime. Everyone has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. What's worse is that many public places are not accommodating to begin with (e.g., changing tables are almost completely absent, and I never know who will be offended by me changing my little one's diaper in public, etc).

I second the good ideas given by TakeruK and MammaD above. See what resources are available on campus.    If you don't have a friend or someone else who could watch your baby while you're visiting, another idea is to contact the campus job office (where students go to find on-campus jobs). You can post a job listing for a one-day babysitting gig and have them watch the baby nearby, so you could still nurse. Of course, it would be a relative stranger, which I realize is not ideal, but you could specify it would need to be a woman with experience and good references. 

I actually really love this suggestion, but I would NOT feel comfortable having a stranger watch my baby, even for a short amount of time with stellar references. I just would not feel comfortable. If there was some kind of university daycare service available for a few hours that would be amazing, but I am quite doubtful, and I wouldn't even know who to contact... At our university I've already made all the connections and know the appropriate contacts, but navigating all of that in a foreign institution... is just unsettling... not impossible. I just have so many reservations, worries, etc., it is hard to know where to begin with all of this.

Some schools allowed my wife to visit with me, so I think it would not hurt to ask about your child. By springtime, the decisions will have been made, so you have the balance of power now. You can use the school's reaction to this information to help you make your decision on where to go too! Not all schools will be able to fly an addition person out but at least there's not going to be extra costs like food, hotel etc. But the way they say no might provide useful information too.   Some schools are very supportive of students who are parents. Some schools increase your stipend if you have dependents (by way of benefits usually) and I know my department has a lactation room for staff, faculty and students who may need to breastfeed during working hours.   I think if you wait until the school already made a decision on you, then it can't hurt you too much if you mention this special case and see what they say. You might end up doing a "virtual visit" but it doesn't hurt to ask. If you do want to travel with your child, they might even be able to help you out partially or fully.

How do I go about asking these kinds of questions? Great point about the balance of power! I don't deal well with confrontational situations and am not assertive. It has NOT served me well in any kind of buying situation (e.g., used cars lol).

Hi whirledpeas, you might just have to make do with Skype, phone, and email conversations with POIs and current graduate students if you are unable to visit. I didn't visit all the PhD programs I was admitted to and it worked out okay. In fact, I decided to enroll at a program I didn't visit based on extensive phone conversations with current students and with my potential advisor.

I'm sure I won't be able to visit all of the programs (due to time AND financial constraints), but should I get into my top 3 I can't imagine NOT going to at least 2 before making my final decision. I am so torn as it is (they are all wonderful programs!). If I have to, I'm sure skype would suffice, but there are so many things to consider when moving with a young child. I also come from a very small town (less than 10,000). Coming to my undergraduate institution was a HUGE leap, and now I am looking to move to even larger cities. Getting a feel for the city is just as important to me as the program (safety, transportation, local markets, schools, etc.). Thank you to everyone for all of your input so far!

[languages-etc]

I actually really love this suggestion, but I would NOT feel comfortable having a stranger watch my baby, even for a short amount of time with stellar references. I just would not feel comfortable. If there was some kind of university daycare service available for a few hours that would be amazing, but I am quite doubtful, and I wouldn't even know who to contact... At our university I've already made all the connections and know the appropriate contacts, but navigating all of that in a foreign institution... is just unsettling... not impossible. I just have so many reservations, worries, etc., it is hard to know where to begin with all of this.

 

OK, understood, and I know the feeling. As a parent you should definitely stick with childcare you are comfortable with. 

 

 

How do I go about investigating whether programs are kid friendly before going and before asking for breastfeeding accommodations? As a first-generation student, I don't really know department cultures to begin with, let alone what would cross the personal/professional line. I love my undergraduate department, but even here I feel I have to be very cautious not to bring my daughter to meetings or really discuss being a mother at all. In fact, one of my letter writers with whom I am very close told me I should not mention that I am a mom on any part of my application, because he knows members of their admission committee do discriminate, as they believe a mom won't be as dedicated to her studies as her peers, or won't be able to withstand the "rigors" of doctoral study. He told me he clearly does not feel that way about me, but that it does not stop people from having their biases. Another scholar I know was rejected from Med School after they found out she was a mom (the director of our scholars program contacted the program after hearing of the rejection and was informed confidentially). I will say, however, that many of my professors are 100% supportive of me and my circumstances, often asking about my little one, commenting on my abilities, etc. Going somewhere unfamiliar makes me incredibly uneasy, because I don't know the department politics, and parenthood has proved more controversial than anything I have experiences so far in my lifetime. Everyone has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. What's worse is that many public places are not accommodating to begin with (e.g., changing tables are almost completely absent, and I never know who will be offended by me changing my little one's diaper in public, etc). 

 

I like wildviolet's suggestion to contact current grad students or alums to discreetly ask about attitudes. You might be able to get in touch with another student-parent by asking the department's graduate secretary. You might be pleasantly surprised that they are supportive. If they are not, then make do with Skype, email and other resources.

 

I am cautious when it comes to discrimination regarding having children. Attitudes will vary from dept to dept, school to school and especially by region of the country. Just my own experience in the Northeast, a graduate department may not be exactly family-friendly and profs will expect that you will give everything to your studies/research, while family takes a backseat. Bringing a child along and explaining that you are still breastfeeding might not be looked upon favorably -- you may be perceived to be a student with divided attention, limited time and less energy. Unfortunate attitude, but that is the reality in SOME places. 

 

There seems to be no ideal solution to your dilemma, but let me reassure you that having a family is not a negative factor! You have something wonderful to come home to every day. 

[MammaD]

You can do this! I hope you keep us posted. Feel free to ask me anything you need.

[kingspeech]

If it were me, I would make my husband care for her, because it would drive me crazy to have sole responsibility for our child's feeding (and sleeping!) beyond the newborn stage. You say that he can't afford to miss work, but you also say that you can't afford to bring her, so both options will cost money, but bringing her would be more stressful to me than having my husband be the primary parent for a bit.

 

However, in light of the fact that right now, you are the primary parent, you can consider your schools' attitudes for this visit a litmus test for how they'll treat you while you spend several years of your life with them. Also, take heart; babies' feeding patterns change quickly, and it sounds like she's at the age for solids, so stuff will be changing.

[TakeruK]

I agree with the reservations/worries about discrimination against parents, which is why I think it's much better to ask these questions after you get an offer! 
 

 How do I go about asking these kinds of questions? Great point about the balance of power! I don't deal well with confrontational situations and am not assertive. It has NOT served me well in any kind of buying situation (e.g., used cars lol).

 

I think it would depend on the visit offers. Usually, you will get an email that says "congratulations, you have been accepted" and perhaps a mention of a visit. Then, someone who is in charge of visiting might get in touch with you about arranging the details. I think that would be a good time to bring it up. I would say something like I have an infant that would need to travel with me and I think I would just ask very nicely if it was possible that travel expenses for your child would be covered too. In addition, sometimes they will house visiting students with current students, or have you share a hotel room with another visiting student, so this is something that you and the visit organizer (usually an administrative staff member by the way) would have to work together to figure out something that works for everyone. 

 

The people organizing the students' visits are usually the same people who organize travel arrangements for visiting profs, researchers, people giving talks at your department etc. So they probably have had some experience with unique situations. They would be the ones who would know about other on-campus resources etc. Many universities have a daycare for the children of their faculty and staff (and students too, but the waitlists tend to outlast most students). If they have a "visitors program" then the administrative staff person would know about it!

 

However, I would not think it would be too strange for your child to accompany you on tours of the campus or labs (provided that it's safe) and during meetings/interviews if you are not able to find suitable childcare. I don't think there are any rules (other than safety related ones) about having a child on campus, and if a professor refuses to talk to you because you have an infant with you then that might also tell you something!

 

For other things, like lactation rooms, etc. it's a good idea to ask other grad students too. Sometimes when organizing the visit, the organizer might ask if you have specific requests of who to speak to. You can ask them if there are other graduate student parents in the department. My wife and I are planning to have a child while I'm in my PhD so that meeting was one of the biggest deciding factors for me.