Dealing with a death and related stress

[PinkishSpider]

Hello all!

 

I've stumbled upon these forums while perusing sources about my issue; unfortunately, I've not found much in the way of advice thus far. That being said...

 

I'm in my first year of a graduate program at a top-ranked university (focus: paleobiology/evolutionary biology). In my undergrad, I was very motivated and involved in a lot of research. I was accepted to this Ph.D program with full funding---an excellent package---and obviously a bright, promising future in the field. However, on the day of my undergrad graduation ceremony (last May), my father passed away (immediately after our celebratory dinner). Given the fact that he was my only real immediate family member and the bulk of my support system, it's hit me rather hard (my mother is estranged). Also, I've been saddled with the legal aspects of his estate since no one is in a position to handle it. Even though there isn't much to the estate, there is a bunch of red tape (+ a non-communicating attorney) and it is still in process.

That aside, I moved to the area of my new university within the week following my father's passing (in the midst of planning the wake), thus leaving behind all friends (the remainder of my support system). It's ~3 hours from my previous location, so it could be worse. In addition, I had major surgery over the summer which had me bed/couch-ridden for over a month. Thankfully, I was able to get around by the time my first academic term began.

Now I know that this sounds like a sob story, but I'm really just trying to toss out all of the details. My issue has been depression leading to anxiety, lack of motivation, and being generally overwhelmed. The worst bit is that I can't seem to focus on reading any of the literature---it's horrible! I was able to get through my first term fairly well, but I had a light course load; however, this term I'm falling behind. I've brought the issue up to my advisor (general points with the aim of not over-sharing as I am now), but he didn't seem to regard it with much concern. In fact, he suggested that I put a side research project on the backburner (given my stress levels), but a week later he had me pick it up again as a required project for his class.

 

I did attend therapy sessions for a bit, but have since stopped as I wasn't gaining anything useful from the visits. He essentially told me things that I already knew and gave me what seemed like canned advice.

 

At this point I'm just wondering how I should go about bringing up the subject to my profs/advisor, if at all. Do I just tough it out? Has anyone had a similar experience? I feel as though I'm making the worst first impression ever and they're going to drop me any moment!

 

Thanks in advance (and apologies for my longwinded whining:))!

[koli0701]

I can relate. I started my MSc this past fall and did pretty well so I decided to take on 17 credits this spring, 9 grad and 8 undergrad. The semester started off as well..overwhelming. 2 weeks in, my best friend of 10 years died, at the age of 23. I have never felt this kind of pain. It is difficult to focus on school when you are suffering the loss of a loved one, and the best advice I can give is to take time, feel sad, let your emotions release, then work. If you feel overwhelmed, step away from your work and grieve. In my opinion, release those emotions whenever they overwhelm you; it will help. Make some time to grieve whenever the feeling comes along. The other thing to do is forgive yourself when you make mistakes; I've never been more distracted in my life and a few times I've made mistakes I wouldn't normally make. I'm learning to give my self a break; try to do that for yourself. 

I hope this helps!

[Lulubelle]

I'm sorry to hear about everything that you're going through! That's really rough. I don't have any advice about your profs or advisor (I'm new to the whole post-undergrad academic world). But I would suggest trying to find a better therapist. There are all types, and even the non-crappy ones can vary so much in terms of how they do things and how well you mesh with them. It sounds like you just happened to get a lemon, but a better one could actually turn out to be really effective.

[Goobah]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My parents passed away unexpectedly in 2006 (in un-related incidences) and I was pretty much useless for 9 months to a year. It has taken nearly 6 years for my life to settle into normal. My advice -- tell your profs. Find a new therapist. Find a therapist who has actually experienced death of someone close -- it makes world of difference. I will say that I was greatful for places that I could pretend to be normal. Greatful for places that I could escape to where I could be distracted and life was just normal. Wouldn't it be possible for your school to give you a semester or year off? A sabbatical so to speak. Some people deal with it better by working, some need to hide to themselves away. But I think it's best to tell to tell your professors. This isn't the kind of thing that anyone expects you to blow off, people who have any experience with it know that things will be changed for a long time.