frankdux Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear frankdux, You are an incredibly strong candidate and we thank you for applying. Unfortunately, you are too awesome for our department. It would clearly be both a waste of our time and of yours for you to pursue graduate studies with us. Instead, we encourage you to apply for our Department Chair position so that you may bring our entire department up to your standards. Thank you for considering our program and we hope you we will be our boss in the fall! Sincerely, Mr. Unworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
was1984 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear was1984, We appreciate your interest in our program, but we cannot offer you admissions fearing that your sheer awesomeness would intimidate your fellow students, and indeed the faculty. As a result, we have granted you an honorary degree and unlimited funds to pursue research in your area of choice. Best Regards, Adcom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dontuse Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear Dontuse, We heard your brother is doing some phenominal things in your field of study. Please forward to us his information. Assuming last name & address are the same this will be a simple write-over procedure on your already submitted application. Never Waste Trees, Director of Admissions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liszt85 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear liszt85, Have you heard of fans shooting down their favorite rock stars? You are our favorite applicant and we've gone crazy with adulation that we have no choice but to reject you. A shooter will be sent down to your address tomorrow. We cannot bear the consequences of what your kind of applicants can do to the sanity of admissions committees. Thank you for being who you are, its time for you get out of our heads. Its better to burn out than fade out, as Cobain once said..you'll be in our hearts forever. Your greatest fan, DGS, XU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dinali Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear liszt85, Have you heard of fans shooting down their favorite rock stars? You are our favorite applicant and we've gone crazy with adulation that we have no choice but to reject you. A shooter will be sent down to your address tomorrow. We cannot bear the consequences of what your kind of applicants can do to the sanity of admissions committees. Thank you for being who you are, its time for you get out of our heads. Its better to burn out than fade out, as Cobain once said..you'll be in our hearts forever. Your greatest fan, DGS, XU. Your ideal rejection ends with your untimely demise? I think you've been at this too long! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liszt85 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Your ideal rejection ends with your untimely demise? I think you've been at this too long! You're probably right We have a week off here for a festival called HOLI and I decided to stay back on campus because I've got a load of work but I haven't been able to do any of it due to the application fever. I just screwed up my chances at OSU by writing to another professor enquiring about some of his work on music cognition. Now this other professor (who had given me the information about this other guy in the first place), who had initially told me that he'd commit to funding me from his research grants, asked me to let him know if I was switching advisors :| Was it a mistake to cc that email to him as well? I hope they go ahead and grant me the funds regardless :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GirlattheHelm Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear Girl at the Helm, I am afraid to inform you that we do not have the quantity nor quality of peanut butter or Marlboro Red 100's that could sustain a brute force bitch of your high caliber. As your application presents, your dedication is amazing and your work is astounding, yet our faculty cannot handle teaching someone like you. We simply do not have the facilities. However, a majority of the faculty do still wish to meet with you to have a few drinks, on us of course. Please feel free to contact us at any time to arrange a rendezvous. Much Love & Admiration, Such-and-Such Admissions Committee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dontuse Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 we do not have the quantity nor quality of peanut butter or Marlboro Red 100's that could sustain a brute force bitch of your high caliber [grin] Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whateverneveram3n Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear whateverneveram3n, We regret to inform you that we cannot offer you admission to our mathematics program. Your intended collaboration with the physics department is, to put it lightly, extremely dangerous. We are very jealous types and probably wouldn't be able to handle not having you all to ourselves. And we simply do not have the funding for the lawsuits that would inevitably arise from our incessant physical, telephone, and electronic stalking of you. Best regards, group of people you've never met deciding your fate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I do love creative posts! Dear MDLee: While careful consideration was taken of your application, we are unable to recommend you for admission at this time. While it would be passe to admit that there were more qualified applicants than we could give spaces to--yours is a completely new situation since we find you to be entirely overqualified for our program. It has come to our attention that your research is ground breaking and threatens to completely re-write the rules of your discipline. While we would love to be able to put our name on such an endeavor, we feel it would do a dis-service to your field to keep you cooped up in this place paying academic dues for the next 6 years. That being the case, we would like to humbly request that you accept instead an honorary PhD and a position as Professor Emeritus for our campus. We wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors. Best Wishes, Head of the Department SomeIvyLeague Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakrabite Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear Jakrabite, It is with extreme deference to your prodigious talents that we choose not to accept you for our graduate program. Your analytical skills intimidate us, your persistence inspires us and, since we have yet to hear any evidence to the contrary, we assume you're freakishly well hung. In short, We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck! Thanks and Regards, Dr. F. Artface Head Adcom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dinali Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Dear Dinali, We regret to inform you that we are not able to make you an offer of admission to our program at this time. We carefully considered your impressive application and found you highly qualified in every way. We had every intention of accepting and funding you, but then one of our more elderly adcoms accidently dropped your packet behind the Keurig machine while preparing his daily Dark Mountain Magic cum Caramel Hazelnut Bliss concoction. It wasn't until three weeks later that our janitor, Manuel, found it, and by then we had exhausted all available positions. So in short -- PhD-NOT YOURS! Sincerely, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Jakrabite, It is with extreme deference to your prodigious talents that we choose not to accept you for our graduate program. Your analytical skills intimidate us, your persistence inspires us and, since we have yet to hear any evidence to the contrary, we assume you're freakishly well hung. In short, We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck! Thanks and Regards, Dr. F. Artface Head Adcom ROTFLMAO! Sigh. 'Tis a pity that they don't like well hung academics. I'm pretty fond of em myself :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Dinali, We regret to inform you that we are not able to make you an offer of admission to our program at this time. We carefully considered your impressive application and found you highly qualified in every way. We had every intention of accepting and funding you, but then one of our more elderly adcoms accidently dropped your packet behind the Keurig machine while preparing his daily Dark Mountain Magic cum Caramel Hazelnut Bliss concoction. It wasn't until three weeks later that our janitor, Manuel, found it, and by then we had exhausted all available positions. So in short -- PhD-NOT YOURS! Sincerely, Not fair. I demand a recount! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnceAndFutureGrad Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Recycled Viking, We are thrilled by your thesis work, research experience, and study abroad credentials. Similarly we are greatly impressed by your skills in spearfighting, swordsmanship, brewing, period clothing construction, and your bitchin' Medieval Irish tattoo. Unfortunately at this time we are incapable of accepting someone as truly bad-arse as yourself as turf longhouses are outside of our budget, the local forest does not have old enough trees to construct a full-size replica dragonship, we cannot provide nearly enough barrels of mead to satiate your thirst, and berserker rages are not covered in our student insurance policy. And frankly, with what we've read on TheGradCafe.com, we're concerned that you may have tendencies towards arson. Please don't raid us. Cheerfully, Patrick Columbanus the IV Medieval Studies Department Draugr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakrabite Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 ROTFLMAO! Sigh. 'Tis a pity that they don't like well hung academics. I'm pretty fond of em myself :wink: Academics? As in plural? So I am not the only one? Thanks for bursting my bubble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Academics? As in plural? So I am not the only one? Thanks for bursting my bubble Consider it healthy competition! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twocosmicfish Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear twocosmicfish, Sorry. Sincerely, John Smith, Admissions, Department of Electrical Engineering Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miratrix Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Miratrix, You thought you could fool us with your application, but really, what the hell do you think you were doing applying to study American archaeology with your thoroughly Old World background? As if we can't see through that? Maybe you and that RecycledViking should just go build yourself some longships and raid some English universities instead of attempting grad school. You'd be much better suited for it. If you bring us back some ridiculously valuable medieval monastic treasures and reapply next year, we might reconsider your application in light of its improved strengths. We beg you do to that instead of raiding our university, as we fear that our arcane academic knowledge would be nothing in light of your sailing and battle skills, and we would have to bow down to you in terror. Sincerely, The East Coast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frecklez301 Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Frecklez301, Its not you, its us. Sincerely, Graduate Schools Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miratrix Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 hahaha. perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Your attempt to dodge the statement of purpose by setting it on fire next to the Dean's ashtray fooled no one. dammit! Maybe THAT'S why I haven't heard back yet... Next time I'll set it on fire next to his garbage can. At least then its easier to clean up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MDLee Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Frecklez301, Its not you, its us. Sincerely, Graduate Schools ...and they'd like their pens back, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poofypoof Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear poofypoof, We are only rejecting you so that you won't reject us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TulipOHare Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Dear TulipOHare, The admissions decision is non-negotiable. You may not challenge the funded accepts or the DGS to the "field of honor." Sincerely, Everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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