Pressure to Decide

[baimeeker]

Hey guys,

I've been hanging out on the results board and can't help noticing how many people are asking other people to turn down offers ASAP so that other people can hear from schools. Some websites even say not to keep more than one offer in your hand at a time! While I totally agree that it's best not to keep offers you know you will not accept (I will be turning one down next week for sure, but I want to wait until Monday so that it will be at the top of their e-mail list when they get back to work), what if you are visiting schools?

At this point, I have been accepted to four schools, and am visiting two of those within the next month (I already visited one). I haven't decided either way about these schools. Is it really wrong for me to wait until I've visited the schools to decide whether to turn them down? I'm planning on narrowing it down to 2 after my final visit (early April)... but is that good enough?

Also, anyone else feeling this pressure?

[socialpsych]

Of course it is good enough. The advice about not having more than one offer in hand at a time just doesn't fit with the way real humans make decisions! Especially if you haven't visited schools yet--and I wouldn't make any big decisions before you visit--you have every right to take your sweet time.

I'm sure that those who are hoping that early decisions will release spots would want to take their time and make a careful decision, too, if they were in your shoes. Of course, do the responsible thing and let go of those other offers once you've made up your mind and you're feeling good about doing so, but not a moment before.

[Rutabaga]

I wouldn't feel bad about it. That's their issue not yours! Just make sure you make a good decision!

[rising_star]

You should decide when you're ready. It's not wrong to wait until after you visit. But, if you already know you won't go, there's no need to wait until Monday, especially since a lot of faculty check email on the weekends (and especially this time of year).

[TulipOHare]

Also, anyone else feeling this pressure?

No. Not a bit. The acceptances are yours to do with as you please until the day you have to respond. If you decide tomorrow, great. If you decide on April 14th at 11:50 PM, great. Neither of those choices are worth any more than the other, and the only person you owe in this process is yourself.

[Aceflyer]

Firstly, not all programs make use of waitlists.

Secondly, for those who do, there is obviously pressure on those extended an offer to decide whether to go or not. Still, I would echo what others in this thread have already stated. Don't let the pressure to decide rush you into making a bad decision.

[teaganc]

My partner was heavily pressured to accept one of his offers (the rest didn't even try to sell themselves, honestly). He was asked to respond by Feb. 15th at first, and even when they gave him an extension on that (because it was insane), they continued to send annoyed email asking when he would decide. This school does use a waitlist, and is one of the top schools in that field, so they do want to be competitive with other top students on the waitlist--so they want accepted students to answer ASAP.

And as a waitlisted student, I really, REALLY wish that all of the accepted students in my program would immediately decline their offers. Like, yesterday.

But everyone knows that's not realistic. The best you can do is immediately decline a program as soon as you are sure you don't want to go there. If it takes a visit to do that, then it takes a visit. I am a little surprised that anyone could have 4 offers and not have any preferences among them, but if that's the case, you just have to do your best to make a decision when you are ready.

[ElusiveMuse]

No. Not a bit. The acceptances are yours to do with as you please until the day you have to respond. If you decide tomorrow, great. If you decide on April 14th at 11:50 PM, great. Neither of those choices are worth any more than the other, and the only person you owe in this process is yourself.

I'm not sure I can agree with you there. Especially if the program is using a waitlist, I think this puts a lot of people in a very bad position. Definitely visit and weigh your options carefully. But I really doubt that a decision is going to magically come to you ten minutes to midnight on April 14th that you couldn't sit down and rationally figure out some time beforehand. It just seems like a rather flighty way to handle things.

[HelloFeminists]

I'm not sure I can agree with you there. Especially if the program is using a waitlist, I think this puts a lot of people in a very bad position. Definitely visit and weigh your options carefully. But I really doubt that a decision is going to magically come to you ten minutes to midnight on April 14th that you couldn't sit down and rationally figure out some time beforehand. It just seems like a rather flighty way to handle things.

I agree. There needs to be a balance between being kind to yourself and being kind to the people who graciously accepted you / the people on the waitlist who are biting their nails for weeks and months. I'd say try to narrow it down as soon as you can, because really, figuring it out before April 14th can only be less stress for your psyche [and everyone else's]. Maybe I'm biased because I got in to my top choice with funding and was simultaneously rejected from some other programs, so the choice wasn't so difficult for me and I've already accepted But I still think it's important to get your act together at some point.

[miratrix]

Sometimes it might take more than a visit. I received offers from 3 schools, 2 local, and just finished visiting the non-local ones. I feel like the last school I visited is clearly the best choice in almost every way, but I know myself well and know that I'm very easily swayed by liking people (so that even if things like academic focus and finances are problematic, I feel guilty about the idea of saying no to such lovely individuals, with this effect being stronger the more recently I spoke with them). To compensate, I'm making myself wait a full week after the last visit to formalize my decision so I have time to let things settle a bit more. It will still be almost a month before April 15, so I don't feel bad about that at all.

[Aceflyer]

Sometimes it might take more than a visit. I received offers from 3 schools, 2 local, and just finished visiting the non-local ones. I feel like the last school I visited is clearly the best choice in almost every way, but I know myself well and know that I'm very easily swayed by liking people (so that even if things like academic focus and finances are problematic, I feel guilty about the idea of saying no to such lovely individuals, with this effect being stronger the more recently I spoke with them). To compensate, I'm making myself wait a full week after the last visit to formalize my decision so I have time to let things settle a bit more. It will still be almost a month before April 15, so I don't feel bad about that at all.

I think it is important to see whether you like the current students and faculty in a program or not. Personally I wouldn't want to go to a program where I'd end up a miserable, isolated misfit. (Bit of an exaggeration of course but it illustrates my point. )

[TulipOHare]

I'm not sure I can agree with you there. Especially if the program is using a waitlist, I think this puts a lot of people in a very bad position. Definitely visit and weigh your options carefully. But I really doubt that a decision is going to magically come to you ten minutes to midnight on April 14th that you couldn't sit down and rationally figure out some time beforehand. It just seems like a rather flighty way to handle things.

Deliberately waiting until the last minute IS a flighty way to handle things. But so is rushing yourself just because you know there are people on the waitlists. The latter sounded like the OP's situation to me.

[rising_star]

Sometimes it might take more than a visit. I received offers from 3 schools, 2 local, and just finished visiting the non-local ones. I feel like the last school I visited is clearly the best choice in almost every way, but I know myself well and know that I'm very easily swayed by liking people (so that even if things like academic focus and finances are problematic, I feel guilty about the idea of saying no to such lovely individuals, with this effect being stronger the more recently I spoke with them). To compensate, I'm making myself wait a full week after the last visit to formalize my decision so I have time to let things settle a bit more. It will still be almost a month before April 15, so I don't feel bad about that at all.

I put a lot of weight (when deciding where to go for MA and for PhD) based on how much I liked the people that I'd be going to school with. I think it's an extremely important factor.

Honestly, I made my MA and PhD decisions at the last minute both times. I was deciding between programs that I loved equally and honestly didn't know what to do and just went with a gut decision at the last minute. That said, I turned down other offers in late March and early April because I already knew I wouldn't go there.

[studdent]

I am also contemplating between a few offers. Most likely, I will drop schools that I know I won't attend this week and keep my top 2-3 choices. By the end of March, I hope to drop the other 2 (at least 1 school). There is really no point in holding until April unless you feel like there is 1% chance that you may take the offer.

We all undergo the pain of waiting, so we should do our best to help out fellow applicants to get what they deserve in timely manner. Saying that, visiting your top choices should be your priority and take sometime to think about the pro & con for each school. I believe 2-3 weeks should be enough time for the adcom and wait-listed applicants (assuming the wait-listed applicants accept/deny their offers within a week for the sake of the other wait-listed applicants).

Why should you care? Imagine that you were accepted to all your safety schools but wait-listed at your top choice! Imagine if you eventually get an offer form your top choice by April 16th and have already accepted offer from your other schools!!! Not everyone who is wait-listed can wait patiently due to the April 15th deadline~

[cogneuroforfun]

I am also contemplating between a few offers. Most likely, I will drop schools that I know I won't attend this week and keep my top 2-3 choices. By the end of March, I hope to drop the other 2 (at least 1 school). There is really no point in holding until April unless you feel like there is 1% chance that you may take the offer.

We all undergo the pain of waiting, so we should do our best to help out fellow applicants to get what they deserve in timely manner. Saying that, visiting your top choices should be your priority and take sometime to think about the pro & con for each school. I believe 2-3 weeks should be enough time for the adcom and wait-listed applicants (assuming the wait-listed applicants accept/deny their offers within a week for the sake of the other wait-listed applicants).

Why should you care? Imagine that you were accepted to all your safety schools but wait-listed at your top choice! Imagine if you eventually get an offer form your top choice by April 16th and have already accepted offer from your other schools!!! Not everyone who is wait-listed can wait patiently due to the April 15th deadline~

You shouldn't care about other people on the waitlists. When you know you won't go to a school, decline the offer. If you still think you might go, you should hang onto the offer. If you're doing PhD, you're signing away the next 5-7 years of your life, so you should make the best decision for you!

[ElusiveMuse]

You shouldn't care about other people on the waitlists. When you know you won't go to a school, decline the offer. If you still think you might go, you should hang onto the offer. If you're doing PhD, you're signing away the next 5-7 years of your life, so you should make the best decision for you!

You should care that you are putting your peers and the graduate programs in a rather difficult situation. I am not saying anyone should make hasty or uninformed choices. But there does reach a point when you have to sit down and make a decision, and I do not see how letting it roll around in your head up to the eleventh hour is particularly useful. Dig in, think it out, spend some time with it, decide. This should not be a four week thought process. Now, if you're waiting to hear from some other schools yourself, that's a bit of a different story. (And one I hope would make you realize how important it is to avoid the dithering.)

[cogneuroforfun]

You should care that you are putting your peers and the graduate programs in a rather difficult situation. I am not saying anyone should make hasty or uninformed choices. But there does reach a point when you have to sit down and make a decision, and I do not see how letting it roll around in your head up to the eleventh hour is particularly useful. Dig in, think it out, spend some time with it, decide. This should not be a four week thought process. Now, if you're waiting to hear from some other schools yourself, that's a bit of a different story. (And one I hope would make you realize how important it is to avoid the dithering.)

That's not what anyone is saying. If you already know what school you want, then inform the rest of them. If you don't know which one you want, then you should feel no pressure at all about taking as much time as you need. There is no reason to feel guilty about needing a lot of time to decide your future. Life very rarely throws such precise life altering decisions at you, like choosing this school or that. To rush because other people are on waitlists is just short-changing yourself. Take all the time you need. Once you have your decision, then be prompt.

I'm not trying to make myself feel better, either . I was able to decide within a couple weeks of seeing my top two choices. But I made my decision once I was sure, not because other people wanted some spots I had.

This should not be a four week thought process.

This in particular bothers me. This should be as long a process as anyone personally needs. You're telling someone to make a decision in an artificial time frame before they're ready? Come on. This is a huge decision, make it with care!

Edit: I'm not saying keep every offer you get just because. But if you honestly cannot decide between 3, 4, or 5 schools or something, then don't feel bad. Once you know you would pick one over another for sure, then drop the worse one promptly.

[ElusiveMuse]

What new information could possibly pop up in the next month that would make a difference? Honestly, do people not research the programs they apply to? I just find it really hard to believe that people had absolutely no idea of their preference or had never mentally ranked the schools they applied to way back in November/December when they applied. I realize there are issues such as funding to be weighed, but I'm sorry I doubt that much will change in four weeks to help one make their decision, unless one is also on waitlists elsewhere. It has to be an active process, you can't just go around hoping it will hit you one of these days between now and mid-April.

[Aceflyer]

That's not what anyone is saying. If you already know what school you want, then inform the rest of them. If you don't know which one you want, then you should feel no pressure at all about taking as much time as you need. There is no reason to feel guilty about needing a lot of time to decide your future. Life very rarely throws such precise life altering decisions at you, like choosing this school or that. To rush because other people are on waitlists is just short-changing yourself. Take all the time you need. Once you have your decision, then be prompt.

I'm not trying to make myself feel better, either . I was able to decide within a couple weeks of seeing my top two choices. But I made my decision once I was sure, not because other people wanted some spots I had.

...

This in particular bothers me. This should be as long a process as anyone personally needs. You're telling someone to make a decision in an artificial time frame before they're ready? Come on. This is a huge decision, make it with care!

I couldn't agree more with the above. If you already know what program you want to attend, then accept that program's offer and decline your other offers. You don't have to do it all at once either - say you have five offers, from programs A, B, C, D, & E. If you're sure you won't be attending D or E, you can let those offers go first, and then spend more time considering your top choices, A, B, & C. But whatever you do, wait until you're sure. As cogneuro stated, to rush because other people are on waitlists is just short-changing yourself. In fact, you're not only short-changing yourself, you're also short-changing the programs which have extended offers to you. It is in both your and the programs' best interests for you to choose the best fit possible.

[ElusiveMuse]

Right. And I'm saying there are ways to be proactive about those tough decisions.

[socialpsych]

What new information could possibly pop up in the next month that would make a difference? Honestly, do people not research the programs they apply to? I just find it really hard to believe that people had absolutely no idea of their preference or had never mentally ranked the schools they applied to way back in November/December when they applied. I realize there are issues such as funding to be weighed, but I'm sorry I doubt that much will change in four weeks to help one make their decision, unless one is also on waitlists elsewhere. It has to be an active process, you can't just go around hoping it will hit you one of these days between now and mid-April.

Visiting is an extremely important part of making this decision and sometimes it's out of people's control when they will get to visit (b/c the school has a particular visit weekend set, or whatever). Visiting can really change a school's place in the ranking, so dropping schools before one is done visiting is not always so simple.

[ElusiveMuse]

If you read my posts in this thread you would see that I am certainly an advocate of visiting.

[baimeeker]

So... for a bit of clarification... here's the deal.

I'm sending an e-mail to ASU right now to decline their offer. I have visited UA and loved it, so I'm not turning it down, since I may go there. But I have to visit the other three schools. Honestly, the ones I'm visiting this week will have a hard time impressing me, since I loved UA and got a great offer from the one I'm visiting last. But I haven't gotten an offer from UA yet, so I can't even weigh the offers properly!

Honestly, I haven't heard from two schools, but since I'm not really hoping to go to them I feel fine about deciding before I hear from them. I'm unlikely to make my decision on April 14 BTW... I have a thesis due on the 14th, so the sooner this stressful stuff is out of the way, the better!

[slowbro]

What new information could possibly pop up in the next month that would make a difference?

Some of us are waiting on the results of outside fellowships. Some of us are waiting to see if our spouses or parents are going to lose their jobs in the next round of layoffs at their company. Some of us are waiting to see if complications arise from a family member's illness. And some of us are waiting on more than one of those things.

I'd love to live in a world where nothing could "possibly pop up in the next month that would make a difference" in where I attend graduate school -- if I attend at all -- but, well, I don't. And many others don't, either.

[fuzzylogician]

As my status says, I withdrew from 3 programs without even completing the process after I received better offers from other schools and knew for sure I wouldn't go there. I did it precisely because I understand how agonizing the wait must be on other applicants. However, my other offers are comparably similar in many respects, including rank, funding and fit. I just got back home yesterday from a two-week trip to visit all of those places, and most likely a general "feeling" I got for the place, the other students and the potential advisers will be the deciding factor. Since I'm very tired and jet-lagged, I've decided to let this week pass without making a conscious effort to decide. With time and perspective, I'm sure I'll be able to narrow it down to at least 3 or 2, then decide between those within another week. I don't feel bad at all about taking my time to decide. It's a life-changing decision. ( I will, of course, notify schools as soon as I know for sure how I feel about their offer).