Demoralized, anxious, and undecided (x-post from psych)

[humankoko]

During my master's degree, I collaborated on a publication with a professor who since got a tenure track job at a different institution--the institution from which I received my sole acceptance this round. 

I know we would work together well, and we would have a close, collaborative advisor-mentee relationship. While he doesn't have the same alignment of interests as my other potential schools, I admire him as a scholar and he is totally supportive of my interests.

The school is in a small, conservative town in a part of the country I love, but the town itself is total shit. Less important, but worth considering, I would be leaving my partner behind, as he just began his dream job. Other students at this school seemed frustrated about funding...

Out of a total class of 10 students (new program), only 4 TA-ships were offered--one of which my adviser secured for me. He does not expect that I will receive funding for all 4-5 years (would be shorter there since they are very generous with awarding transfer credit). The DGS implied it was performance-based, but there's no guarantee--it's all year by year awards.

 

Since last fall, I have been attending interdisciplinary lab meetings at a "public Ivy," where I interviewed two years ago during my first round. During the interview, I lost my voice, felt like death, and found out later I had had meningitis. Additionally, I found the place somewhat cold, sterile, and populated by (at least outwardly) very obsequious graduate students. Weeks later, I received a mass rejection email from the PI I had applied to work with, which was sent to all rejects as a one-sentence missive. That entire experience soured/biased me against this place, until I came to be in this lab. 

 

Last week, a psychology faculty member said he would love to have me as a student if I applied next year, and offered for me to work with him on several ongoing projects in the meantime, or design a project together. He noted I would need to identify other faculty, since he is not 100% sure he will not retire within the next 6-7 years.  

 

I've gotten personal emails with rejections and backhanded compliments. This process has been so demoralizing, and I have no idea what to do. Defer acceptance for a year and work the angle with this professor in the meantime? Take the bird in the hand and apply again for 2014 to other schools in case I lose my funding? 

This is all complicated by the fact that my potential advisor at the school I've been accepted to is someone I have a relationship with, and whatever I do, I want to be forthright about. I feel as if my life is dangling at the end of a string, and while I know it sounds overwrought, I've never felt so hopeless or worthless. My self doubt is at the point where I have no compass--when people tell me to trust my gut, I cannot generate a confident decision about what's "right for me."

[juilletmercredi]

First of all, I would definitely not go to a PhD program in social psych that only offered funding on a year-by-year, "performance based" basis.  This is ESPECIALLY since your advisor doesn't think you will receive funding for all 4-5 years.  What are you expected to do in years that you don't receive funding?  Borrow money?  Never borrow money for a PhD, but especially not for one in social psychology, where the norm is funding for 5 years and the funding is actually pretty decent (usually upwards of $25,000 - this is my field).

 

Defer, or decline, and try again next year.  Work this new angle with this professor and also use this time to beef up your app and make yourself a more attractive candidate.

 

You can be honest and forthright with the advisor you have the relationship with.  Tell him that you are wary about going to a program where funding is not guaranteed from year to year, only 40% of students get funding and students seem to be frustrated by funding.  These are legitimate concerns.  Graduate school is difficult enough without worrying about whether you're going to have money to pay rent and eat while you struggle to finish.  If your advisor seems to brush them off as not legitimate, then I would be wary of him as an advisor anyway.  The best advisors realize that their students are not research machines but are real people who need real money to function.

 

Also, I know this is difficult but try not to take the rejections personally.  Social psychology is very competitive and every year, many qualified applicants who could do very well and be successful in graduate programs are rejected, simply because there aren't enough slots.  It's the most competitive subfield after clinical (and sometimes before clinical, depending on the year).  Spend the summer regrouping and reaffirming how awesome you are.

[JungWild&Free]

Yes to everything Juillet said.  You definitely don't want to be left with no funding at one school, wishing that you had reapplied to places with better fit.  You should be really psyched that this professor basically indicated an informal acceptance.  I would nurse that relationship and continue to build your CV while you wait to reapply.

[humankoko]

Thank you guys for your input. I spoke to him today and he completely understands my concerns. When you do not receive funding from the department for your tuition waiver at this institution, you receive a stipend for working as an RA (only about $10k/year--but the cost of living in this town is very low), and must take out loans for tuition (about $7k/year) to remain enrolled in the program. I received a scholarship for undergraduate and TA/RA positions funded my master's degree, so I have been very lucky and am (perhaps unduly?) extremely against taking out student loans--particularly for a PhD program in social psychology.

 

Because I feel stagnant, my inclination is to take the opportunity I have with him. I've just been working myself up trying to prognosticate the future (funding issues, job market, etc), but there is inherent value in making a decision and committing to a course, at the same time. I can also appreciate that while things seem hopeless now, new opportunities are out there--like this professor at Duke, or perhaps other schools I have not yet considered. I'm trying to take the long view of things, and evaluate how my fear of another application season and "wasting" another year might be leading me toward a decision I might later regret. The competition is so intense that any acceptance can feel like the only chance you'll get. 

[rising_star]

Without a guarantee of funding that will be enough to survive (which $10K minus $7K for tuition is not!), I wouldn't go. Defer, beef up your application, and apply again.