Don't shoot me: accept/decline venting

[LPman76]

Hello, I know there are other threads here on the topic, but everyone thinks their situation is different. In my case, I feel horrible because I don't have strong reason like others to ask this. Please, I hate myself enough to consider declining an offer after accepting it, so please if you don't have words of support and genuine advice, don't shower me with harsh judgement/criticism. Remember, I didn't decline yet and I might not. Here is the story:  

 

This year, I accepted an offer of PhD from a relatively good school (X) in the program of choice. Last year this same school accepted me and I turned their offer down due to personal reasons (I turned all offers down too). This year applied again and added an application to a highly ranked school (Y), highly ranked, that has my program even in the concentration of my SOP. 

 

Note, school X is in a city we might probably want to come back top and work in the future, possibly in the school (but I am aiming at non-academic). School Y is in a very vibrant city and ranked among best 25 world-wide, but living wise it will put us a bit behind as work for partner would be less paid during my PhD.  

 

School X called me February and wanted reply by mid March. School Y replies are mid April (replied today).  

 

I accepted school X offer--at the time--feeling really satisfied that "even if" I got the other one's acceptance, I like this city's comfort offerings to me and my family more. Yet, when I received school Y's acceptance offer today, I am in a dark place I don't want to be in. 

 

I know this is not a specific question/answer. I'm looking for your advice, venting and chatting about this situation especially from those who've been there. 

 

Thank you for the time you took to even read this venting! 

Edited April 17, 2013 by LPman76

[MadScience]

I think you're in a situation that quite a few people are in now, a situation that I might be in now under different circumstances, so I certainly understand where you're coming from. I'm currently waitlisted at (what was) my top choice. Thankfully, after a visit to my second choice I found a lab that was a better fit for me than any lab at my "top" choice, and so goes the story of how my second choice became my absolute #1. My point is, before I realized this, I was faced with the very real dilemma of "what if my #1 school accepts me after April 15th! I'll have already accepted an offer by then, what can I do??"

 

I know you mentioned not wanting an answer, but this is important so I'm going to offer my advice anyway. Follow your heart! This is your life and no one else's, you have to do what is best for you. If you join program X but your heart lies with Y, you'll always wonder what could have been and may not give your all to program X as a result. It's absolutely a tough decision, because I understand you don't want to step on any toes, but if you decide on school Y and send a very polite and very apologetic email to program X and explain your situation, they will most likely understand and release you from the contract. I can't imagine that they would force a student to stay in their program if s/he didn't want to be there. After all, 5 years is a long time to spend in the wrong place.

 

If you feel you could be happy at X though, and you are just feeling swept away by the prestige factor of Y, this may be something to consider as well. Have you had the chance to visit both programs? You may find that Y isn't all you are hoping for, and X is a better fit. Or you may find that you are right and Y is where you belong.

[LPman76]

MadScience, thank you first for your kind understanding and second sound reasoning and reply. I edited my post and said I do want advice actually. What I meant not necessarily a direct answer.

 

So, I have visited X but my area of research does not really necessitate a physical structure or material (a field under Social Science). I didn't and cannot visit Y due to far distance. Professors are comparable. Besides ranking, one area where Y is higher than X specifically is the availability of a subcategory to my proposed research where my PhD will be in a good general filed with a noted specialization in an accurate area I am interested in. I can probably do same in X but on personal level not designated subcategory. This is a thought to consider.

 

You know, part of me might be yearning to this world status institution that I see most directors of other schools are from (at least in this filed as it originated there), but it's also about resources. Y would certainly have a multitude of research venues in the field. X on other hand, has good maybe humble resources, but as a friend told me once, I would be a "big fish ion a small pound rather than small fish in big pound". Silly? Maybe but rings true sometimes. City X might have opportunities for me if I excel while city Y I might be lost among others who are mostly excellent bunch of students looking for same opportunities. Again, venting! bla bla

 

Thanks again for sharing your experience.    

[hesadork]

LPMan76, I think you've played your cards exactly right.  The rational choice was to accept X's offer in March.  But now circumstances have changed, and it makes sense to revisit, even if briefly.  That doesn't make you an awful person.

 

One issue you haven't addressed (aside from referring to your partner's diminished earnings capacity in city Y) is what your aid packages look like at each institution.  Might that be something you could use to help differentiate between the two?

 

And I agree with MadScience -- if your choice ends up being Y, institution X will understand.  This stuff happens all the time.  Is it an ideal circumstance?  No.  But life and work (and school!) aren't always ideal.

 

Finally, what your partner thinks matters here, too...and perhaps his/her preference as to the city can help give you clarity/assuage your concerns.

 

Best of luck!  And congratulations.

Edited April 17, 2013 by ADLNYC

[LPman76]

Adlnyc, thank you so much. This is really supporting to find such understanding minds here of my dilemma. Funding is quite comparable but am waiting exact details from Y then I'll post them here. Partner is not making things easy as he is flexible! Question, how bad it is to decline X offer now as PhD student? Ethically I kind of know... But any other consequences. It's so bad to think of even...

[MadScience]

Sure, turning down the offer at X will be a little frowned upon, but not so much as you might think if it is done correctly. I think that Adlnyc is exactly right that you played your cards right, accepted X's offer before their deadline, and then got dealt a surprise card from Y which you had no way of anticipating. This stuff happens, and it will be a little uncomfortable to inform X of this change of heart, but it certainly won't be the end of the world.

 

As long as you present your email in a very polite, professional, and apologetic way I certainly don't think there would be any consequences. It is always nice too to mention that you would be honored one day to collaborate with the faculty at X or even work there in the future, as you have mentioned, as a gesture of good faith to help ensure that no bridges are burned. Probably not necessary, but I'd add something in like this if it were me.

 

Also, you mention liking that Y offers a specialty field designation for your PhD, while X does not but still allows you to specialize. I am not sure of your particular field and how much this designation may matter, but I had a similar draw to my Masters program for this reason and it turned out to be a silly technicality that didn't really matter. I can't say for sure without knowing your field, but it may be that while this may seem "fancy" it may not mean anything more than that.

 

The environment of a top ranked program versus a great but lower ranked program is a big factor too, you're right! Part of me was hoping to get rejected by my two reach programs for this reason - fear of the harsh competitive attitudes I might encounter from my peers. But some people certainly do thrive in these settings, so it really just depends on your personality type. *sigh* It's a tough decision to make, but that's why we have the grad cafe to help! So please, vent on!

[LPman76]

Thank you... These are good tips , mentioning working there in future and the thing about "fancy" specializing. Though here I think it is a bit more as I need to register for it after accepting the major in separate process, seems kind of professional. I could be wrong about it still. So I had hours of discussion and now, oddly enough, going to bed with thoughts leaning to X!!!!! It is not easy suffering financially in new far city at not so young age while we could be having so comfortable a life at X. I aim in all cases at non academic career so not sure if rank of my hschool would be deal breaker for future employer. Just feels nice to know I am n,ot the fool who preferred average university over, say, a Harvard like one. let's how this feels in the morning....

[LPman76]

Now, in case I went with the current situation, staying with X, should I by any means make it known to them that I got an offer from Y? I know it is late for "negotiating" my funding from them using the higher funding from Y, but could there be any other reasons why I should let X know about Y's offer? For example, just for peace of mind to double make sure I am still in  ... Let's say I just turn down this new offer from Y and in a week X call saying we are having cut on our graduate funding bla bla bla... U know what I mean...

 

By the way, I woke up this morning still split between both, but my rational mind says I have to look at a school as a full package for me and partner during these 5 years. He might just be depressed all along for shortage of money and leaving his well-paid city/work. We also will be delaying some personal plans like owning a home which in city X we can do right away and the like.