bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Has anyone officially accepted/rejected any offers yet? I already made my decision mentally 2 monthes ago, but I am terrified to actually let the programs know. It's a really big step and I am dreading the 'declining your offer' email. Is it still too early in the game to decide? Or, should I hold off and wait until April something, just so I feel better inside..?
bae_dal Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Of course you should email them and let them know your decision; the only justifiable reason to hold off until April would be if you are wavering. Think of your peers who are potentially in waitlist purgatory and would love to be offered the spot you are wont to give up. Once you have made your decision, for the love of Thor, inform your schools!!
Ripper Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 For the love of Jeebus let them know right now if you know your choice! You're not going to hurt their feelings but you are killing your peers who are on their waitlists.
catherinian2 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you've already made your choice, you REALLY should notify the schools. I know of at two people who are waitlisted at one of your programs. One of them will not go to grad school this year if he/she doesn't get in. The other will have to take an unfunded offer. It's one thing to wait until you've made up your mind...but to hold off until April when you already know that you won't be attending is rather unfair to those who are waiting on your decisions. If I remember correctly, you had several offers. At the very least, turn down the schools that you know you won't be accepting.
bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 How do you guys know so much about me??? :?: Anyways, I think I am entitled to weighing my options as closely as possible. Don't take your frustrations with the wait-game on me, guys. We all had it tough during the application process.
catherinian2 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Bowdoin: Ummm....we know because you posted what schools you got into? No one said that you shouldn't weigh your options closely, or that you need to hurry up and make a choice. However, your first message clearly suggested that you already had your decision, and simply dreaded writing the "I aint coming" email. Has anyone officially accepted/rejected any offers yet? I already made my decision mentally 2 monthes ago, but I am terrified to actually let the programs know. It's a really big step and I am dreading the 'declining your offer' email. Is it still too early in the game to decide? Or, should I hold off and wait until April something, just so I feel better inside..? It's one thing to still mull over your choice. It's something else entirely to put someone else through agony when you already know your decision. And for the record, I wouldn't assume that everyone who is urging to announce your (already made, it seems) decision is simply venting their personal frustrations on you. We're simply telling you to be a decent human being and avoid screwing over your future colleagues...especially when it's, to be frank, no skin off your nose. Again, no one telling you to rush your choice--but it sounds like your choice has already been made.
engguy Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 @the original poster: Don't ask if you don't want this kind of response. It seems to me that you wanted reassurance /justification for your continued dithering, rather than the frank response that you got. OF COURSE you should take all the time you need to make up your mind, but sitting on offers out of a hesitation to say no is not the same thing, is it? If you really are wavering for whatever reason and however marginally, the best thing you can do is turn off your computer, don't visit the grad cafe (where people will urge you to HURRY UP), and sit with the choice that you have, according to your post, already made, for a day or two or three -- really think about it and imagine yourself there as vividly as you can. If after that, it still feels like the right decision, turn on the computer and start sending those "No, thank you"s to other programs. Nothing else that happens between now and April 15 is really going to make a difference, is it?
booksareneat Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 This post just doesn't even make sense. You have your mind made up. What's the question here? This isn't who to ask to the prom: the great friend or the hot girl in math class? This is a professional decision. Where do you need to be? Where do you feel comfortable with? The idea that sending an email to a program declining is anything other than sending an email to a program declining is just bizarre.
Ripper Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Bowdoin, I haven't been waitlisted anywhere, so I'm not taking out any frustration on you. You simply stated that you had made up your mind 2 months ago and were feeling some anxiety about writing a rejection letter. I was just trying to help you act like a decent human being if you already knew your answer; if you don't, take all the time you need. Good luck.
bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 I think it goes without saying that I am still a "decent human being" even if I take all the damned time in the world to make my decision. How f-ing arrogant of all of you to assume the worse of me when I have my own reasons and pros/cons to consider, even if I got into my first choice early on. So really, back off. If you can't handle the waitlist and the ups and downs of graduate admission, do me a favor and take yourself off the list.
dedalus Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 As one of the first people to make a final decision last year (I think it was about this time of year, actually), let me just say that if you know where you want to go, turn the other spots down. No one is going to judge you (including people on an internet message board) for turning them down before April, and no one is going to feel snubbed. Just send a short and polite email informing the DGS that you have chosen another option, and trust me, no one sends back a venomous email accusing you of being a cold hearted jerk for declining. They all know that many of their candidates will have other offers, and that some of them will chose other offers, hence why many schools have wait lists: they also want to know that if you're not coming, they can make an offer to another candidate and have the chance to woo them over--it's a lot harder for them to do that if they don't get in until April 15! Do yourself, the schools, and the people on waitlists a favor and turn down the programs that you know you will not be attending. Besides, I felt much better after having put in all the paperwork and could confidently say where I was going the next year. It's nice to have it all finished.
rufzilla Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Sorry, bowdoin, but I'm going to have to agree with the other posters on this -- please notify the other schools ASAP. This is more about your own fears and anxieties about having to write the actual e-mail than any fear or anxiety you have over making the decision. Just think about it, you're in a really good place where you know where you want to go (or at least made that seem the case) and now you're simply dilly-dallying until April so that you can make yourself feel better. Honestly, I don't think the schools you're rejecting will have any hard feelings. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt -- is there an issue other than just not wanting to write a rejection e-mail? Are you still unsure whether you confident with your decision? If so, maybe you should let the other posters know so that they can at least help you. Otherwise, it does sound like you're just being selfish and have no empathy/ sympathy for the people stuck on waitlists.
bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 I do have other reasons that are making me waivering back and forth on everything and I understand how my first post probably came off sounding selfish and inconsiderate, but geez, to simply label me as something of a sub-par human being? C'mon, this is a life-changing decision (at least for the next 6,7 years) for me, my SO, my family, why is that only waitlisted people are allowed to have anxities/fears/insecurities over grad school admission and those who have already gotten in aren't? It just seems petty to me that if the schools aren't even pressuring me to "haul my ass" and give me a notice, why shouldn't I chew over everything?
windsweptvoid Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I think it goes without saying that I am still a "decent human being" even if I take all the damned time in the world to make my decision. How f-ing arrogant of all of you to assume the worse of me when I have my own reasons and pros/cons to consider, even if I got into my first choice early on. So really, back off. If you can't handle the waitlist and the ups and downs of graduate admission, do me a favor and take yourself off the list. Hi! I don't think anyone meant to sound like they were attacking you--- you just made it sound like you were already done weighing the pros and cons. I've had trouble turning down schools i'm pretty sure I wont accept just because it seems so... final, and it's scary. Sending that email is committing to a decision on where you'll live for the next 5 years... what a big step. It's intimidating and I know I'm reluctant to remove options just by the off chance I miiight regret it. But yeah, if you are pretty sure, I'd urge you to go ahead and take the leap as soon as you feel ready! And no worries, the programs aren't going to be offended that you turn them down--- just make sure to do it nicely. I'm on several waitlists (I don't know if I am at your programs-- and I've no interest in pressuring you) and the profs I've talked to are routing for me. From what I can tell, they see their admits and waitlist ppl as so thoroughly qualified that they will be very happy with whoever it is that accepts. They just want to get in students that want to be there, and the sooner they know you're decision the better and smoother things will work out. So yeah, take your time deciding. But when you're sure you *do* know, you ought to kindly decline offers. I'm in a situation where if I get taken in off the waitlist too late I'll wind up having to turn the school down-- so I know I appreciate if people let their institutions know as soon as they are sure.
windsweptvoid Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I do have other reasons that are making me waivering back and forth on everything and I understand how my first post probably came off sounding selfish and inconsiderate, but geez, to simply label me as something of a sub-par human being? C'mon, this is a life-changing decision (at least for the next 6,7 years) for me, my SO, my family, why is that only waitlisted people are allowed to have anxities/fears/insecurities over grad school admission and those who have already gotten in aren't? It just seems petty to me that if the schools aren't even pressuring me to "haul my ass" and give me a notice, why shouldn't I chew over everything? I think it's only because you said you had 'mentally decided 2 months ago' and didn't say anything about waivering. It IS a huge decision. Honestly, it sounds like you have the same sort of decision panic that I do---- maybe less severe I feel like, duude I can't even choose a cellphone provider without mild panic, how am I supposed to choose the place I'm going to live and work in for the next 5 years. It is incredibly anxiety provoking. Though, honestly, if you think you know-- it may be best for your own psyche to just tear off the band-aid.
bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Hm, thank you, windsweptvoid. That's I needed to hear, that it was okay that I am terrified about making such a big committment to a school/location but that it's gotta be made and made soon. Everyone here is very "on edge," I sense. Anyways, for someone like me, who nicpicks and overanalyzes every freakin' aspect of my not-so-important life, I just needed a little nudge to get 'er done. Thanks.
socialpsych Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you are still not sure and need more time to make a decision, of course you are entitled to take your time, and of course it is a big decision. But if you are just waiting until you happen to feel better about it--I just don't think that's going to happen. At least not on its own. Talk to the important people in your life, write down your thoughts, flip a coin or whatever it takes...and then, when you're ready, write to those other schools. It will not be fun now, but I'll bet it will be even less fun in April because you'll actually be feeling the time pressure. This is a big enough decision to avoid having to make in a rush. Don't put yourself in a position where you are forced to make it in a rush!
catherinian2 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I think it goes without saying that I am still a "decent human being" even if I take all the damned time in the world to make my decision. How f-ing arrogant of all of you to assume the worse of me when I have my own reasons and pros/cons to consider, even if I got into my first choice early on. So really, back off. If you can't handle the waitlist and the ups and downs of graduate admission, do me a favor and take yourself off the list. If you didn't want people to assume the worst of you, don't make a post that very clearly implies you've already made your decision. We can only respond to what we see: we saw a post from someone who made a choice but wasn't ready to announce it, with apparently no regard for the many people on waitlists. Since the phrase that got your goat was from taken from my comment. I'll assume that it was directly at least partially at me. You apparently decided to completely disregard my warning that making such assumptions of the people who responded is...unwise. I'm not waitlisted anywhere. I have been in the past, so I do understand the agony quite well, but your rather callous comment was uncalled for. No one ever said that you're not a decent human being, but I think one can make a case that sitting on an acceptance that you know you won't take (true or not, that was heavily implied in your original post) when others are waitlisted for that spot is rather indecent behavior, even if that doesn't accurate reflect your character.
bowdoinstudent Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Wow, so now I've become an alright human being, but just of an "indecent behavior" and "apparently no regard for the many people on the waitlist." You, catherinian2, clearly ignored my other posts about how I understood that how my first post might have come off selfish, but sadly, you are now reducing the psychological difficulty of the entire process. I think I stated it before how unfair it is that only people who are waitlisted or rejected are entitled to claim "mental agony" over admissions and those accepted aren't, as if the accepted students have no personal conflicts to overcome and that we are all delusional-happy-carefree-admits.You obviously mistake the application process as "one applies, one gets in, one goes," and overlook the many, many factors that lead the person to his/her rightful place. Oh, and just because I have made a decision "mentally" two months ago, doesn't mean that I am emotionally ready to take that next step and say, "I am ready to pack up my bags, leave everything I've known for 22 years and move to corn field state for 6 years."
socialpsych Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 just because I have made a decision "mentally" two months ago, doesn't mean that I am emotionally ready to take that next step and say, "I am ready to pack up my bags, leave everything I've known for 22 years and move to corn field state for 6 years." This is exactly what won't happen on its own, and it's exactly what you don't want to force at the last minute! If you assume that you will feel emotionally ready on April 16th just because you will have been forced to make a formal decision, you may instead feel TERRIBLE about your choice. It is never too early to get yourself emotionally settled with what you want to do next year.
catherinian2 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 There are so many unwarranted assumptions in your post that I won't bother calling you out on all of them. Simply: wow. Good luck with your decision. I hope (sincerely, though I almost wish otherwise) that this doesn't come back to bite you. Academia is a tiny, tiny little world, and there's no such thing as anonymity on the internet. iExcelAtMicrosoftPuns 1
Darkholmme Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I think I stated it before how unfair it is that only people who are waitlisted or rejected are entitled to claim "mental agony" over admissions and those accepted aren't, as if the accepted students have no personal conflicts to overcome and that we are all delusional-happy-carefree-admits.You obviously mistake the application process as "one applies, one gets in, one goes," and overlook the many, many factors that lead the person to his/her rightful place. The difference between those waitlisted and people who are sitting on spots that could go to the waitlisted is that whatever potentially paralyzing "mental agony" the former go through doesn't hurt anyone, whereas those in the latter situation absolutely hurt those in the former. If you're going to complain about having to get yourself mentally ready to pack up and change your life, think on how much harder it is for those on waitlists who have offers on the table for schools that are far less attractive. I had a friend who only found out on April 14 that she was admitted onto a waitlisted school and had only 24 hours to make a decision after already slowly coming to peace with a decision that was in no way clear-cut. NO one here has asked you to disregard whatever factors go into making your decision, but your defensiveness is without grounds. You left out any other factors stopping you from announcing your decision in your original post, and so you should take your lumps for failing to disclose them. As a future academic, you should know that you will rarely ever get the chance to amend what you write, and any omissions on your part are fair game for others. As it stands, the most offensive poster in this thread is you for reducing others here with accusations of psychological reduction. If you are going to take that high ground, you should act with empathy rather than accusing others of lacking it. I'm sorry, I understand the anguish you're talking about fairly well. I've done this entire process three times, and have only recently met with success. But right now you're just extending the "agony" for everyone with your disparaging remarks.
a cup of coffee Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I hope (sincerely, though I almost wish otherwise) that this doesn't come back to bite you. Academia is a tiny, tiny little world, and there's no such thing as anonymity on the internet. Man, this has so been on my mind this entire application season. To bowdoinstudent, I'll say that waiting until April to let your emotions corroborate what you already know doesn't sound like the best use of your time. Don't you want to start preparing for next year? I found out that August leases in the university town I'm moving to are going fast, and I'm glad I was able to send out an application this afternoon. You have the luxury of being able to make a difficult decision now. Don't force others to make equally difficult decisions on April 15th.
rufzilla Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Bowdoin, you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone if the process you are going through will help you sleep at night and get you to make a more solid decision in the end. However, I do feel that people are entitled to their opinion and if you are going to put your conflicts on an internet forum then you have to be ready to accept both criticism and encouraging words. I think that it was unnecessary of posters to imply that what you may not be a "decent human being," but their opinions are warranted given the lack of information you provided and the empathy/ sympathy that you were trying to solicit in the original post. This is why I suggested explaining what your anxieties and concerns about making a final decision were so that it would not only clarify what your problems were, but also to explain to others why you are in such conflict over making a resolute final decision. I understand and appreciate how big of a decision this must be for you and agree that if you are undecided that you are warranted to take as much time as you need so that you can sleep at night knowing that you made the right decision. Just remember, you asked for opinions and feedback and you got it. Of course people are jealous of you and want you to hurry up and make a decision! YOU GOT IN! Take their input in stride and know that they don't know the whole story behind your conflicts. The best you can do is explain your situation (without insults, generalizations, and accusations -- and this goes for all parties) and let that be that.
engguy Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Let's just go back to the original post: Has anyone officially accepted/rejected any offers yet? I already made my decision mentally 2 monthes ago, but I am terrified to actually let the programs know. It's a really big step and I am dreading the 'declining your offer' email. Is it still too early in the game to decide? Or, should I hold off and wait until April something, just so I feel better inside..? What does that sound like to you? Honestly? Just to be clear on this: I went through this process last year. I was not wait-listed, and had my top three choices to choose from. It was agony. But at some point, as my SO pointed out, there was nothing I was going to know in a week or a few days that I didn't know already, once I had visited all three and weighed the options. More time is not going to make you feel better inside -- it will probably make you feel worse. And as others have pointed out, in the meantime there are people waiting. This is, frankly, the dark side of the grad cafe. With the wording of your OP, you have invited the brunt of the tensions that everyone's feeling on various sides of the fence. IF you are one of these people honestly weighing a decision, as I stated before, do yourself a favor: turn off the machine and make the decision in private, with friends and family who know you well and can help you and don't have any conflicting stakes in this. If you have made up your mind, end the agony and announce it. The world will not end. No one will be mad at you. And good luck. :x
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