Appropriate vs. abusive advisor behavior

[intimidatedgrad]

Hi everyone, 

 

I recently completed my master's degree in the social sciences and have been admitted to a PhD program! I am excited, but also a bit scared because of the relationship I experienced with the advisor in my MA program.

 

I am female, and the advisor for my MA program is male. He rarely, if ever, had anything encouraging to say and often put me down. For example, whenever I made presentations in lab meetings, he would often be caught texting whereas when other students presented he would be extremely attentive. I also knew, through other students, that he often had lunch / dinner meetings with other students but not with me. I also knew that I was not going to be able to collect enough data to defend my thesis in time, so I begged him to change my thesis defense date. He refused, but when I was not able to send my final thesis to my committee in time, he said "If this were a job, you would have been fired," and scolded me to no end about my incompetency and lack of professionalism (though I begged to change the date far ahead of time).  This professor did not offer me ample opportunities to TA, and in fact, dissuaded me from pursuing a paid TA'ship in order to make room for one of his favored students. This professor often tried to steer me away from applying to PhD programs, which I did anyway and was admitted to 4. He strongly recommended that I decline the offer from the school where his former PhD mentor was at, which I decided to do. He even claimed that this PhD program was unsure of my skills, and my POI at that university called him and my advisor 'went to bat for me.' 

 

I also had problems with one of his favored students. This student asked me very inappropriate questions of a sexual nature (e.g., my bra size, how to sexually please his girlfriend, and even discussed a possible sexual encounter he had fantasies about where I would be an immigrant - yes I am Latina - and he would be an immigration officer, how I would look so much prettier if I lost a few pounds, and often judged other women's bodies in front of me). I often told his favored student that I did not welcome his advances and didn't like to be spoken to in that way, but he would come around my advisor's lab and bother me. He even dared me to tell my advisor about his advances, because he knew my advisor would not believe me because he didn't like me. 

 

After graduation, I told my mentor everything I was upset about (his behavior, and his favored students' behavior) and all communication has ceased. I drove for over 2 hours to get his signature on my thesis, and he did not even ask me how my day was or whether I liked my new campus; he signed my papers and that was it. I feel really hurt because I spent a lot of time trying to get my mentor to like me or even establish a friendly relationship, but it never worked out. 

 

I am now scared that I won't be able to develop a good relationship with my POI in the PhD program, or that my old mentor will tank my success in the future. What can I do to ensure that I have a better relationship with my current POI? Is there anything I can do to remedy the situation with old mentor, or should I just leave it be? The relationship with my old mentor has caused me a lot of anxiety and has made me feel extremely depressed; I even question whether I'm cut out for this career if my mentor despises me so much.  

 

Thank you in advance for any insight you can provide!

Edited August 1, 2013 by intimidatedgrad

[St Andrews Lynx]

Cut your losses with the old mentor. He sounds like a jerk, and jerks don't usually come around or alter their behaviour. Trying to make him like you will just be a waste of your energy and leave you feeling worse. The positive side of jerks like Old POI is that he's unlikely to pursue a vendetta against you professionally, the nastiness is reserved for people within his immediate sphere of attention/control. If you keep a distance and don't communicate he'll most likely forget about you. 

 

I'd say to be careful with any public criticism of Old POI. Academia is very close-knit, if word gets back to Old POI that you've been portraying him in a negative light then that might cause trouble. Talk to a university counsellor to get things off your chest (especially if you're suffering from depression - do talk to a professional!).

 

Remember that your new POI is a completely different person, so you aren't doomed to repeat the same relationship with him. If New POI is a jerk...again, there's not much you can do about it. The odds are that he won't be, though. Look out for warning signs: what are the group dynamics like (friendly or hostile), are there clear favourites getting all the attention (there shouldn't be), can you have a decent conversation with New POI about non-academic things (does he respect you as a person)?

 

Good luck! I hope things work out for you.

[TakeruK]

I agree with St. Andrews Lynx. I know it's easier said than done, but "moving on" might be the best course of action at this point (since you've already finished and can cut most ties with old mentors). You probably will not need things like LORs for awhile (not until you are about to finish a PhD) and by then, you would have lots of time to develop even better connections with faculty in your PhD program. One of the few ways the old mentor can really directly affect your career is that you'll never be sure if he will write you a good LOR. Fortunately, few people will care about your Masters program once you have a PhD so I would direct my efforts towards developing a good connection with profs at the new school, then you won't need any LORs from your old mentor.

 

When I feel upset about a situation that I can no longer control, or if I've decided that I should just "move on" and not confront the person, I find different ways to vent my frustration and anger. For example, sometimes talking to family or really close friends (those you really trust or those outside of academia) can help. One of my favourite methods is to write a long angry letter so that I feel that I am able to express my feelings and thoughts. I would rip it up or otherwise destroy it after writing it though. Sometimes it takes more than one letter, and you can address it to the offending person, or if it helps, you can write it as if you were writing a LOR for that prof!

 

These are just some things that I find helpful for me, but every person is different! It might help you, or it might give you ideas of other ways to help release the negative thoughts from the previous bad relationship so that you can focus on a new relationship with your new supervisor. In addition, if you still feel that your previous bad experience is affecting your current relationship, you might want to consider talking to people at your school's counselling centre. I think most PhD programs have one and your health insurance probably covers it fully (at least if you use the on-campus services). There is still a bit of a "stigma" about using these services even though mental health is just as important as physical health and no one bats an eye if you go to your physician! Fortunately, I think many people are more open about this -- some profs I know have even blogged about it, so I feel that the stigma is lifting. At my school, about 1 in 8 students have used the counselling centre, so it's definitely not something for extreme cases only!

[fuzzylogician]

Advising has a professional side and a personal side to it. Sounds like your former advisor was not an easy person to get along with, and therefore even though I don't think I read complaints about the professional side of your relationship, it still didn't feel good at all. The good news, as others have pointed out, is that this person shouldn't have too much of an influence on you in the future; your PhD training should lead to new strong relationships with professors who could write you strong LORs and support you later on when you're on the job market. As mentioned above, you should be very careful about badmouthing him in public because the only way he might be dangerous is if word gets back to him that you're talking about him behind his back -- in that case he may very well use his influence to your detriment. 

 

When you start your PhD program, I propose that you think about separating the "advising" role of a professor from that of a "mentor." Those could (and sometimes should) be carried out by different people. An advisor needs to give you good professional advice on your work and help you become your own  independent scholar. It's awesome if you also have a strong personal relationship with this person, but sometimes that doesn't happen and that's ok. It may also happen that your advisor is closer with some other student than you, and that too is ok. You may, in addition to your advisor, try to seek out someone who is more of a mentor - an older more established professor who you trust to confide in. I imagine that that's the kind of relationship that you wanted to have with your former advisor, but it's important to keep in mind that not every person wants to be close to his/her students and that doesn't necessarily make them a bad advisor. My best advice is to meet with several people in your first semester/year in your program to get a feel for who you get along with. Usually these things are easily apparent, so a few meetings should be enough. It'd be good to seek out more than one person who you get along with to help with different aspects of your work. Once you have established relationships, it's still a good idea to talk to everyone who might be helpful to your work once in a while, though perhaps not on a regular basis. This should ensure that by the time you are ready to graduate, you have strong supporters on your side and your old Masters advisor will have been all but forgotten.  

[mandarin.orange]

I am now scared that I won't be able to develop a good relationship with my POI in the PhD program, or that my old mentor will tank my success in the future. What can I do to ensure that I have a better relationship with my current POI? Is there anything I can do to remedy the situation with old mentor, or should I just leave it be? The relationship with my old mentor has caused me a lot of anxiety and has made me feel extremely depressed; I even question whether I'm cut out for this career if my mentor despises me so much.  

 

I realize this thread has sat for a week or more, but just came across the excellent blog "Tenure She Wrote." Today's post addresses specifically this, including a great section on "Avoiding Toxic Relationships" --

Toxic Academic Mentors

Edited August 13, 2013 by mandarin.orange

[wildviolet]

 As mentioned above, you should be very careful about badmouthing him in public because the only way he might be dangerous is if word gets back to him that you're talking about him behind his back -- in that case he may very well use his influence to your detriment. 

 

YES! I just wanted to share that this is true! People really do behave like this.

 

I have a colleague--let's call her Susan--who transferred to our program partly because she had these "dreams" of working with one of our faculty and was dissatisfied with her previous institution. Well, throughout this whole year, Susan badmouths her advisor to everyone... me, other grad students, other faculty. Eventually, it got back to her advisor, who confronted her and said how disappointed she was that Susan did not go to her directly but instead was telling everyone else, including other faculty, about how the workload was too much and the expectations were too high. I know all this because Susan told me about it.

 

Now, Susan is a whiner. She whines about everything and comes off to many of my colleagues as entitled. Our program guidelines say that a 1/4 research assistantship averages out to 10 hours per week over the course of the semester, which implies that some weeks will be more and some weeks will be less (and much of the time you have to do what you have to do to get things done on time, even if that means a 20-to-30-hour week). That's the work ethic of being at an R1, regardless of whether it is just or not. So, my point about her being a whiner is that I take what she says about her advisor with a grain of salt. There's probably some truth to both sides.

 

Anyway, so the result was that her advisor explained that she had high expectations and that she expected Susan to go to her with any problems/issues. Unfortunately, it sounds like they've gone past the point of no return in their relationship. If it were me, I don't even know how I would go on... but Susan is basically ABD and has already transferred once. I guess she could switch advisors, but at this point, I'm sure that the other faculty might be aware of the situation, too, and may be reluctant to be the chair of her dissertation committee. Faculty talk about us behind our backs, too!