I'm a grad student, longterm SO is not...

[environmentisnothippy]

Anyone else have this problem/issue/situation?

 

I guess it is not so much of a problem as it was.  Anyway, I met my boyfriend back when I was an undergrad, and we get a long so well in so many aspects.  We've been dating now for four years and are serious, but because of certain circumstances *Ahem*, I don't see us planning a wedding in the near (4 years or less) future.  And as more and more fellow classmates are getting engaged and married, it becomes more and more brought up.

 

While I finished my undergrad in 4 years (consequetively) and, after a 2 year break, went onto now grad school (which I plan to finish in 2 years), my boyfriend, Brian, chose a different path.  He went to undergrad college for a year and a half, partied too much and failed out, and then decided he just wanted to jump into working instead.  After about 3 years of doing different starting jobs, he decided (and after much persuasion from me), to go back to finish school for at least an associates degree.  Well, he discovered he has a hard time with school, and after not doing well for the next couple of semesters, he finally got some help with a psychiatrist to work on strategies to help him do well in school (I think he just has ADHD and needs help learning better... no biggie).  Well now he plans on going back with his new-found skills, and now I am in grad school.  So finally we both are steered in the right (career-wise) direction... 

 

But now, after wasting (ok learning, but from an academic standard, wasting) all that time, it seems that Brian won't catch up to be able to start on a career at the same rate that I will.  It is hard to plan and be serious together about settling down when the career ladders between us don't match up at the same time.  And I know I cannot support the both of us with even any beginner salary after grad school in time for him to catch up.  Ugh frustrating.

[DStory247]

Here's my situation-
I finished undergrad in 4 years, took two years to work in industry, and am now going back to grad school for 4 more years.

When my girlfriend at the time and I started dating, I had one year of undergrad left, and she had just transferred to a new school and had 3 years left. After a year of dating, (and after I graduated,) we moved in together. For the next two years I supported the two of us, (and our 3 dogs) so she could focus on finishing school. We both insisted that she have a degree. So she graduated in May with her BA, we got married two weeks ago, and we are moving from TX to CA in 2 weeks. I will be on stipend, and she will be starting her own career. Hopefully the two of us will make close to what I did by myself in industry.

 

The point is, there's no reason I can think of why you would not be able to support both you and Brian once you graduate. I did it for two years, and now that I am going back, she will be supporting me along with my stipend. Our careers ladders were about as misaligned as they could be. If it's important enough to you to be with Brian, and him with you, y'all can figure it out.

[juilletmercredi]

I am in a somewhat similar situation to you.  My husband is a year older than me, and we met in high school.  He went to college a year ahead of me.  I finished in the standard 4 years and went straight into a PhD program - I am entering my sixth year.  He, on the other hand, spent 5 years in college, dropped out, joined the military for 4 years and then decided to return to school to finish his bachelor's degree.  He managed to get admitted to the same university I attend as an undergraduate, so he's an undergrad here while I'm a PhD student.  I have one more year left, and he has 1.5 to 2 years left.  I have accepted a postdoc for 2014-2016 in a city 5 hours away.

You just…have to go with the flow.  I understand the compulsion to try to plan everything out.  I'm like that too, and academia encourages us to make 5 year plans and 10 year plans.  Life doesn't really work that way, especially when you are planning with a partner.  I'll graduate in 2014 and my husband will graduate in 2015; he's not yet sure what he wants to do after he finishes and even whether he'll move to my new town with me or stay here in University City until I finish my postdoc and we can move together, or what.  *shrug*

You don't know for sure whether or not you'll be able to support him with your post-grad school salary (maybe you will, if you live frugally).  You just have to go with the flow and deal with obstacles as they come while trying to plan as best as possible.

[danieleWrites]

People who are unequal on the career ladder have great marriages just as people who are equal on the career ladder have yucky ones. I understand the concern about you supporting him, because that's a burden for anyone to bear, financially supporting a spouse. It can be done and no one has to be a six-figure breadwinner to do it. Is it the money thing? Or the sense that Brian is dead weight in some way? Is it his inability to maintain a decent job? Or his inability to complete school?

 

I think it kind of boils down to one question: do you want this guy as he is? Some people aren't interested in college degrees, they prefer the trades. Some people can't cut it in college. I'm pretty sure that I'm reading a lot into the original post here, but what does Brian want to do with his life? Is he still not sure? Did he to back to school because he caved to pressure, or because that's the path he's taking to realize his goals? Does he have a goal? All of the prime, ADHD coaching and meds in the world can't make up for lack up purpose. I've got ADHD and I wouldn't have failed out ages ago if this wasn't what I wanted for my life. Academics aren't the only way to go. I'm married to a soldier/carpenter. He's got college credit, but most of it is military oriented. He's not going to college and I'm getting a PhD. I know a literature professor who is married to a carpenter (her dream guy in the job she dreamed her dream guy would have) who can't stand poetry. You'd think they have nothing to talk about, but they get along fine. I hate to make assumptions about people because the assumptions always seem so wrong. Does Brian agree with your take on things? That now that you're both in college, that you're both finally on the right career path?

[St Andrews Lynx]

Daniele shares a similar viewpoint to me on this, but I thought I'd add an additional comment

 We've been dating now for four years and are serious, but because of certain circumstances *Ahem*, I don't see us planning a wedding in the near (4 years or less) future.  And as more and more fellow classmates are getting engaged and married, it becomes more and more brought up.

I know of people who married in grad school. I know of people who married before they began their PhD program. I know of people who waited until they'd finished their PhD to get married, despite being high school sweethearts. I know of people who didn't meet their future spouses until they were postdocs or in the workforce. If you feel that people are now expecting you to get married to your long-term boyfriend...well, it's about YOU the couple, not them.

[i.am.me]

 I know a literature professor who is married to a carpenter (her dream guy in the job she dreamed her dream guy would have) who can't stand poetry. You'd think they have nothing to talk about, but they get along fine. I hate to make assumptions about people because the assumptions always seem so wrong. Does Brian agree with your take on things? That now that you're both in college, that you're both finally on the right career path?

 

That's also my *dream guy*

 

I think that it is normal that you have some insecurities about your ability to support the both of you on one salary. But it won't be impossible (just hard...), especially if he's the one that you want and you are BOTH willing to make some sacrifices together. You will both need to play active roles in planning your future together though (as a woman, I understand *overthinking*).

[mudlark]

People who are unequal on the career ladder have great marriages just as people who are equal on the career ladder have yucky ones. I understand the concern about you supporting him, because that's a burden for anyone to bear, financially supporting a spouse. It can be done and no one has to be a six-figure breadwinner to do it. Is it the money thing? Or the sense that Brian is dead weight in some way? Is it his inability to maintain a decent job? Or his inability to complete school?

 

I heartily agree with this. I'm nearing the end of my PhD, and my husband is a high school graduate. We have a very happy marriage, and the fact that I have higher earning potential is not an issue. He has a steady job that he enjoys and it has given us a lot of stability as I go through school. The thought of breaking up with him because he can't get on my "career ladder" is... well, it would be awful, because we have such a good relationship. 

 

That said, there are lots of things in the original post that make it seem like this guy has a general pattern of not having his crap together and pulling his weight as an adult. Is it really about his level of education, or is it about his lack of follow-through in general? I feel like the education issue might be the straw that's breaking the camel's back here.