Please evaluate my Statement of purpose

[Mudit]

This is a draft...

 

The seeds of my interest in the study of civil engineering were sown by my father, whom I used to accompany zealously to the site of construction of our new house. Bricks, mortar and steel no longer remained inanimate objects to me, and soon I entered into a relationship with them. My perseverance proved ambient for the germination of my interest and its culmination in success in India’s most competitive engineering examination, IIT-JEE. I acquired great insight and learning during my under graduation studies at Department of Civil Engineering, Indian Institute of Technology, Varanasi (2005-09) with an emphasis on Structural Engineering. Since then I have built upon my strong foundation by working as a Structural Design Engineer in various multinational companies.

I still bask under the glory of my overall CGPA of 8.94/10 with core competence in *******. My major project on “Analysis and Design of G+5 Residential Building in Varanasi” established me as a lead candidate to be recommended by my HOD for the summer internship at one of the topmost design firm in Dubai. During the summer of the second year of my collage studies, I supervised the construction of Australian Chancery in New Delhi. My academic excellence coupled with strenuous internships imparted me the requisite skills to present a paper “****” in a national level technical festival “Shilp’07” and to publish a Technical Note no ***** titled “Improved Expression of Compaction Test Parameters” in the “Geotechnique”. I believe that the  University of ***** shall equip me with the tools to build upon my knowledge of structural engineering with focused studies on ***, ***, *** and *** engineering  to enable me to realize my long term goal of undertaking research.

My engineering career took off with a job in Reliance Infrastructure Limited, India’s no 1 corporate house where I contributed to the design of structures and foundations of ultra mega power plants using Indian codes and standards. Followed by design of technological structures, pipe racks and foundations of oil and gas refineries using American and European codes in two multinational companies viz. GS Engineering and Construction and Technip KTI Limited. Currently I am engaged in designing of petrochemical refineries using Russian and british codes with Chicago Bridge and Iron Inc. I was adjudged as Best Employee of the Month in GS Engineering and Construction as well as Chicago Bridge and Iron for my outstanding performance in enhancing the accuracy of methods for the analysis and designing of structures.

 

After four year field career I want to pursue research in *** engineering. As I believe that knowledge if combined with character can empowers the poorer

[excusemyfrench]

Your first paragraph is good. However, I'd definitely change the sentence "I still bask under the glory of my..." because that sounds incredibly arrogant and will turn off ANY reader. In fact, remove the reference to your GPA altogether. It'll be on your CV and transcripts, right? No need to mention it on your statement. Just talk about your project.

[repentwalpurgis]

I realize that English might not be your first language, so I'll point this out: "The seeds of my interest in the study of civil engineering were sown by my father."  "Seeds," "sowing," and the family mentioned is a sexual metaphor, so it stands out as weird in your first paragraph.  Just say that your father inspired you.

[Anne00]

Made some changes for better or worse.... also, provided some questions that might help you flesh out your intro and conclusion...

 

 

 

My burgeoning interest in the study of civil engineering can be attributed to my father, whom I used to accompany zealously to the construction site of our new house. These trips, which I valued dearly, imbued bricks, mortar and steel with something more than the inanimate. I feel like you are either trying to express that your relationship with this field of study is connected with the relationship with your father or that repeated visits almost led to a metaphysical connection to building material.

Can you add a line to tie the above to the below? In which ways did you persevere between these trips and the exam/or college? My perseverance proved ambient for the germination of my interest and its culmination in success in India’s most competitive engineering examination, IIT-JEE. Seems like you’re trying to say ‘my hard work proved a good environment for the growth of my interest and led to my success on the exam’. Kind of wordy. Is there a more direct way to say this? I acquired great insight and knowledge during my under graduate studies at Department of Civil Engineering, Indian Institute of Technology, Varanasi (2005-09) with an emphasis on Structural Engineering. Since then I have built upon my strong foundation by working as a Structural Design Engineer in various multinational companies.

I successfully maintained an overall CGPA of 8.94/10 with core competence in *******. My major project on “Analysis and Design of G+5 Residential Building in Varanasi” led to a summer internship at one of the most prominent design firms in Dubai. During the summer of the second year of my collage studies, I supervised the construction of Australian Chancery in New Delhi. My academic excellence coupled with strenuous internships gave me the requisite skills to present a paper “****” in a national level technical festival “Shilp’07” and to publish a Technical Note no ***** titled “Improved Expression of Compaction Test Parameters” in the “Geotechnique”. I believe that the University of *****’s focus on***, ***, *** and *** engineering will enhance my knowledge of structural engineering. This knowledge would allow me to conduct research, a long-term goal of mine.

My engineering career took off with a job in Reliance Infrastructure Limited, India’s number one corporate house, where I contributed to the design of structures and foundations for ultra mega power plants using Indian codes and standards. I also contributed to designs for technological structures, pipe racks and foundations of oil and gas refineries using American and European codes when I worked for GS Engineering and Construction and Technip KTI Limited, both multinational companies. Currently I am designing petrochemical refineries using Russian and British codes with Chicago Bridge and Iron Inc. I was named Best Employee of the Month by GS Engineering and Construction, as well as Chicago Bridge and Iron, for my outstanding performance; specifically, enhancing the accuracy of analysis methods and designing of structures.

After four year field career I want to pursue research in *** engineering. As I believe that knowledge if combined with character can empowers the poorer. Did you come from a poor background? Can you tie this into your trip with your father and love of engineering? Did those trips empower you? Did they build character?