SOP Advice...er critique

[Kharisma]

Excuse my mistakes because I'm on a cellphone but if anyone wouldn't mind giving me some advice or a little bit of a critique on my SOP, I would appreciate it. The school has a 500 word limit and I'm already over it so I need help making it a little more concise and to the point while still keeping my main focus. I've edited out some info but if any one MPs me, I'll send the more personal one with school and teacher-specific info.

Thanks so much in advance!

 

While most view social media as an outlet to tell the entire known world every thought that crosses through their minds, I’ve found a more creative outlet for it: I use it to gain insight into the grassroots of politics and the general thinking of the average American voter. While most are posting their break-ups or lamenting about a pimple, I’m normally debating someone of an opposing view on topics ranging from the mixed economy of the United States to whether the United States’ actions overseas can be seen as largely imperialistic. American politics has always interested me and whenever there’s a chance to interact with people who may (or may not, it is social media after all) have more information on the subject than I do, I readily seize it.

After much introspection, I’ve decided that I want to pursue an academic career as a professor who researches the opinions of the American public and elections, particularly those of minority and marginalized voters. My research interests include the impact of negative marketing (smear campaigns) through social media, how misinformation affects voter turnouts, and the decline of ethical standards in American politics. While my research for my honors thesis was on Bioethics and the Law under Dr. Rs, I have had self-directed research in minority electoral voting patterns and studying the results has been a pastime of mine after my niece has been put to bed at night or during my lunch-break at work.

As I studied the different theories that were proposed by the journals that I could get my hands onto, their theories further piqued my interest in the American political system, which lead to me becoming involved in the election of then-Presidential nominee Barack Obama, albeit on a very minor scale by passing out information, and also registering students and local voters in Tuskegee, Alabama through my local NAACP Chapter.

After the 2008 election cycle, I delved more deeply into Political Science and began to take classes such as constitutional law and American government and politics so that I would have a solid foundation of the basics. I also took psychological statistics for a quantitative analysis of the social sciences, although I will admit that this was a true test of my determination because quantitative studies are a weakness of mine, as evidenced my GRE score. However, this hasn’t deterred me from taking an interest in the quantitative side of Political Science, and if given the chance, I’d like to perform some quantitative research within the scope of minority voting patterns.

My attention was drawn to SCHOOL'S Political Science Department from a little word of mouth via a friend, which prompted me to look into the professors and their published works, mainly because I love to read but because I wanted to see if anyone performed any research similar to what interests me. After reading about the research that Professor QWERTY had performed with respect to Latino voter participation and the publication of Professor Prgz on Symbolic Racism, I felt that it would be an honor to work with them or among their fellows, especially since the experience would give my research more depth and differing, yet experienced perspectives.

While going to grad school was my immediate plan, family circumstances forced me to delay my entrance, so I began working for a couple of state departments and saw American Politics from a true grassroots perspective. While I would have loved to travel to a foreign country or work for Congress, I honestly believe my experiences at these agencies uniquely shaped my perspectives and allowed me a glimpse of the impact of American Politics that few truly see and even fewer experience.

If I am allowed to join your outstanding program and work with such gifted teachers, after I receive my doctorate, I would like to return to working with the Huffington Post on the live segments, as well as frequently publishing new and interesting insight on the inner-workings of the American political system. I also would like teach, not because it’s expected, but because of this one quote by Howard Thurman that resonated within me: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” I truly and honestly believe that this field has brought me to life and I would consider it a great honor and lasting legacy to make that passion for political science come alive in others.

(*cringed* Please be gentle, I'm still getting use to peer-review)

[silver_lining]

Remove this:

 "although I will admit that this was a true test of my determination because quantitative studies are a weakness of mine, as evidenced my GRE score."  - If I were you, I wouldn't admit that I am weak in quant even if your GRE quant score isn't great. In fact, I would probably put more stress on the fact that you've taken statistics courses, which could make up for your GRE score. 

and this:

"My attention was drawn to SCHOOL'S Political Science Department from a little word of mouth via a friend, which prompted me to look into the professors and their published works, mainly because I love to read but because I wanted to see if anyone performed any research similar to what interests me." - In my opinion, I don't think adcoms are going to care about how you've heard about their program, so remove this as well. 

I don't do research on American politics, so I don't feel comfortable commenting on the rest. However, I also struggled with the 500 word limit. The shortest I ever got mine was 1000 words.... 
 

[jazzrap]

Don't say anything bad about the GRE score, unless it is extremely low and you have to address it. 

[Maziana]

Personally, I think it's unnecessary to imply that other people's usage of social media is dumb. There will probably be some older people on the committee who think, "yeah, the popular usage of social media is frivolous; what is up with kids these days," but others might think, "that's kind of rude; no need to make yourself seem better by putting others down." This is just my opinion, but I think it could come off the wrong way.

At least I think you don't need two similar phrases; don't need to drive home that point too much: "While most view social media as an outlet to tell the entire known world every thought that crosses through their minds..... While most are posting their break-ups or lamenting about a pimple..."

 

Other than that paragraph, I think your voice comes through nicely in the SoP.

[NoSleepTilBreuckelen]

I agree with the above comments. Very strong overall, but this first sentence sets the wrong tone. Social media is being used in some pretty amazing way these day (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mimi-ito/connected-learning_b_2478940.html) - as I'm sure you know because it seems like you're interested in using it in such a way. For an opener, it'd probably be better to align your self with positive happening in social media than to disparage how some people choose to use it.

[Kharisma]

My quantitative is extremely low (140) and I sadly have to address it. Honestly, I just couldn't re-learn the Math (not that I had a very solid foundation to begin with.). Strangely enough, my GRE quantitative is on the same range at my Math SAT scores (old and new), so at least I'm consistent (if a little shaky.) To be honest, I've been really stressed this entire year over that stupid quant to the point where I got sick, so I want them to see my flaws and struggles with quantitative analyses, but know that I won't shy away from them. But I like your point about the statistics courses. I struggled with it, but it was meaningful when I finally got it and that could be a good selling point...

Maziana, that's totally the opposite of what I want to portray so definitely will need to tweak it. What I want to show is that it can be used for more than just the mundane. As a matter of fact, I was picked for HufffPo live through venting my spleen on their comments sections. I want them to think "Hey, wow, she's on to something! Maybe we should take PoliSci out of the dusty tomes of PoliSci Journals and breath a little life into it through these newer venues like FB or Twitter or even Tumblr". SM has so much potential.

It's rough with just 500 words because there's a lot that I want to tell them but I have that limit. You guys have been extremely helpful, especially because it felt like I was just rambling and not making any sense.

[polisci12345]

Maziana, that's totally the opposite of what I want to portray so definitely will need to tweak it. What I want to show is that it can be used for more than just the mundane. As a matter of fact, I was picked for HufffPo live through venting my spleen on their comments sections. I want them to think "Hey, wow, she's on to something! Maybe we should take PoliSci out of the dusty tomes of PoliSci Journals and breath a little life into it through these newer venues like FB or Twitter or even Tumblr". SM has so much potential.

 

With the caveat that I am a grad student who has only limited idea of what goes on inside admissions committees, this seems like at best an extremely high variance message to convey in an SOP. The people you are writing this for have made a career out of publishing in political science journals and are looking for the next generation of scholars. Some may read this the way you intend, but a lot will definitely read this and go "She has no idea what academia is about"

 

My biggest problem in general is a lack of specificity about political science. Every time you approached the parts that I was hoping to read more about, you moved on.

 

 

While most view social media as an outlet to tell the entire known world every thought that crosses through their minds, I’ve found a more creative outlet for it: I use it to gain insight into the grassroots of politics and the general thinking of the average American voter. While most are posting their break-ups or lamenting about a pimple, I’m normally debating someone of an opposing view on topics ranging from the mixed economy of the United States to whether the United States’ actions overseas can be seen as largely imperialistic. American politics has always interested me and whenever there’s a chance to interact with people who may (or may not, it is social media after all) have more information on the subject than I do, I readily seize it.

 

 

This has partly been covered, you can certainly save some words here that you may want for later by skipping over the judgements about the large amount of noise on social media. 

 

 

After much introspection, I’ve decided that I want to pursue an academic career as a professor who researches the opinions of the American public and elections, particularly those of minority and marginalized voters. My research interests include the impact of negative marketing (smear campaigns) through social media, how misinformation affects voter turnouts, and the decline of ethical standards in American politics. While my research for my honors thesis was on Bioethics and the Law under Dr. Rs, I have had self-directed research in minority electoral voting patterns and studying the results has been a pastime of mine after my niece has been put to bed at night or during my lunch-break at work.

 

Ok, right here. The honors thesis is kind of free floating (and could possibly even be skipped unless you can tie it to your interests), but the real thing is tell more about the research you are doing on your own. Also, when you have done it may be personally compelling but if I'm reading this to admit you as a student, I want to know more about what you did. What trends were you looking for? How successful were you in identifying them? This where you can show that you know what political science research is and are ready to do more of it. 

 

 

 

As I studied the different theories that were proposed by the journals that I could get my hands onto, their theories further piqued my interest in the American political system, which lead to me becoming involved in the election of then-Presidential nominee Barack Obama, albeit on a very minor scale by passing out information, and also registering students and local voters in Tuskegee, Alabama through my local NAACP Chapter.

 

More of what I just said. What theories interested you? Was it because you thought they were right or wrong? Did your work in voter registration change your opinion on these theories?

 

 

 

After the 2008 election cycle, I delved more deeply into Political Science and began to take classes such as constitutional law and American government and politics so that I would have a solid foundation of the basics. I also took psychological statistics for a quantitative analysis of the social sciences, although I will admit that this was a true test of my determination because quantitative studies are a weakness of mine, as evidenced my GRE score. However, this hasn’t deterred me from taking an interest in the quantitative side of Political Science, and if given the chance, I’d like to perform some quantitative research within the scope of minority voting patterns.

 

A lot here can be shortened into a sentence or two if you need the space for other things. The bit about the GRE was covered by someone else. The score is low, but at this point it is what it is, drawing extra attention to it in your SOP seems counterproductive. The best way to deal with it is if there is a way to have a letter writer say something about it. Barring that, mentioning the class and having it on your transcript should be sufficient. "Quantitative research within the scope of minority voting patterns" sounds nice, but it is so broad as that it loses some meaning. This is one of those times I was hoping for something more specific.

 

 

 

 

My attention was drawn to SCHOOL'S Political Science Department from a little word of mouth via a friend, which prompted me to look into the professors and their published works, mainly because I love to read but because I wanted to see if anyone performed any research similar to what interests me. After reading about the research that Professor QWERTY had performed with respect to Latino voter participation and the publication of Professor Prgz on Symbolic Racism, I felt that it would be an honor to work with them or among their fellows, especially since the experience would give my research more depth and differing, yet experienced perspectives.

 

This paragraph was covered well by someone above.

 

 

While going to grad school was my immediate plan, family circumstances forced me to delay my entrance, so I began working for a couple of state departments and saw American Politics from a true grassroots perspective. While I would have loved to travel to a foreign country or work for Congress, I honestly believe my experiences at these agencies uniquely shaped my perspectives and allowed me a glimpse of the impact of American Politics that few truly see and even fewer experience.

 

I'd skip the first sentence here, but again: show, don't tell. What did you see in state agencies that shaped your perspective? What do you now know about the interaction between bureaucracies and citizens? This is a great chance to show off some keen observation.

 

 

 

If I am allowed to join your outstanding program and work with such gifted teachers, after I receive my doctorate, I would like to return to working with the Huffington Post on the live segments, as well as frequently publishing new and interesting insight on the inner-workings of the American political system. I also would like teach, not because it’s expected, but because of this one quote by Howard Thurman that resonated within me: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” I truly and honestly believe that this field has brought me to life and I would consider it a great honor and lasting legacy to make that passion for political science come alive in others.

 

I appreciate the sentiment here that you want to bring academic insights outside of the ivory tower. I'm not as sure about the delivery of said sentiment. It just feels like it has the chance to rub someone the wrong way. I might try something like "After finishing my doctorate, I want to be able to conduct research on American voter behavior and share my findings both inside the classroom and also beyond the University..." It probably needs a bit more to punch it up and fill out the ending but that seems like something more likely to get a positive response from a reader who has spent their career conducting academic research.

[TheGnome]

The advice provided above by plisci12345 is sound. I think it is a good idea in general to talk a lot more about your research interests and how they align with those of the faculty at the school you are applying to. I would highly recommend checking the statements posted in

[Kharisma]

At 823 words and a limit of 500, I still feel lost. I need to call and ask if the 500 is a hard limit or not. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply back, but here's my re-write. Thanks so much for the advice guys. By being out of school for a few years, it's been a little difficult to get someone to critique my writings so I really and truly appreciate it. I hope this flows a little better and I took a lot of what  polisci12345 said and tried to run with it. Once more, I submit this for critique

 

 

 

 

 “We just made history. All of this happened because you gave your time, talent and passion. All of this happened because of you. Thanks.” This is the victory tweet of the first President-Elect to ever tweet. While American Politics has always captivated me, it was through social media that I felt that for the first time, my voice could be heard in a sea millions. Through this venue, I was able to surround myself with people who shared similar and opposing views and even interact with members of the American Government.

 

After much introspection, I’ve decided that I want to pursue an academic career as a professor who researches the opinions of the American public, particularly those of minority and marginalized voters. My research interests include the impact of negative marketing  through social media,  general apathy towards politics from the Millennial generation, and enacting ethical policies which help govern healthcare. I have performed self-directed research in minority electoral voting patterns and studying the results has been a pastime of mine after my niece has been put to bed at night or during my lunch-break at work. In my research, I questioned whether minorities had a fear or general dislike of politics and voting, especially because the minority voting has generally been lower in not just mid-term elections, but Presidential elections as well. My research found that among my age-group of minority voters (via Facebook groups), they did have a very basic knowledge of politics, but their apathy and disgust came from a deep-rooted anger from feeling that their representatives, senators, and even Presidential candidates had no interest in their thoughts whatsoever; they believed that they were only given lip-service for their votes and then virtually ignored once that candidate gained a political office, so why would they waste valuable working time doing so? As I studied the different theories for these attitudes, my interests were further piqued because my rudimentary findings were the complete opposite of what many of these theories proposed. So, when the opportunity to become involved with the election of  then-Presidential nominee Barack Obama, albeit on a very minor scale by passing out information, and also registering students and local voters in Tuskegee, Alabama through my local NAACP Chapter, I readily accepted. My experiences during those times gave me greater insight into minority opinions, the most prevailing being that the candidate Obama had shared a life experience most of them wanted to have, or had experienced, and they felt like he was a true champion of their views. That opinion drove them to vote in droves and that same passion for his politics was prevalent during his 2012 re-election bid. After the 2008 election cycle, I took Psychological Statistics for a quantitative analysis of the social sciences. While this class was a challenge, it strengthened my understanding of quantitative methods and allowed me to add a quantitative analysis to my research.

 

After reading about the research that Professor T had performed with respect to Latino voter participation and the publication of Professor Q on Symbolic Racism, I felt that it would be an honor to work with them or among their fellows, especially since the experience would give my research more depth and differing, yet experienced perspectives. Working with Dr. P would also be very beneficial due to her research in the role of government and healthcare, especially because my honor’s thesis was on bioethical research within the scope of the law.

 

While going to grad school was my immediate plan, family circumstances forced me to delay my entrance, so I began working for a couple of state departments and saw American Politics from a true grassroots perspective. I was actively working with Florida’s Unemployment program and I received first-hand experience of the hardships and anguish that came every time the federal government deliberated over extending unemployment benefits or the despair of helping people find jobs in a stagnant economy. While I would have loved to travel to a foreign country or work for Congress, I honestly believe my experiences at these agencies uniquely shaped my perspectives and allowed me a glimpse of the impact of American Politics that few truly see and even fewer experience.

 

After receiving my doctorate in your program, I would like to return to working with the HuffPost Live segments, as well as frequently publishing new and interesting insight on the inner-workings of the American political system. I also would like teach, not because it’s expected, but because of this one quote by Howard Thurman that resonated within me: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” I truly and honestly believe that this field has brought me to life and I would consider it a great honor and lasting legacy to make that passion for political science come alive in others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't want to lose the last paragraph because I feel that it gives my narrative a little passion. If anyone thinks that they could re-write it or phrase it differently, I'm all ears, but just at a loss for words lol.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Kharisma

[polisci12345]

That looks a lot better. I wouldn't worry too much about 500 being a hard limit, but I also don't mind taking liberties with rules that I think are arbitrary, ymmv. Though I don't know if you've hit your application deadlines yet or not, but if you want to continue to work on it there are still a few loose thoughts I'd think about cleaning up. 

 

 

 “We just made history. All of this happened because you gave your time, talent and passion. All of this happened because of you. Thanks.” This is the victory tweet of the first President-Elect to ever tweet. While American Politics has always captivated me, it was through social media that I felt that for the first time, my voice could be heard in a sea millions. Through this venue, I was able to surround myself with people who shared similar and opposing views and even interact with members of the American Government.

 

Much stronger opening. Though I would still change the end a bit. You are talking about studying what goes on in social media, not making a pitch for why you should be participating in it. I would end it with something more like: "...American Politics has always captivated me. Right now I see it being in a transitional period where communications are moving from the broadcast media that defined the second half of the 20th century into the much more participatory forum of social media. While politicians are still struggling to figure out how to make these changes, I want to understand how US citizens are receiving and responding to these messages."

 

After much introspection, I’ve decided that I want to pursue an academic career as a professor who researches the opinions of the American public, particularly those of minority and marginalized voters. My research interests include the impact of negative marketing  through social media,  general apathy towards politics from the Millennial generation, and enacting ethical policies which help govern healthcare. I have performed self-directed research in minority electoral voting patterns and studying the results has been a pastime of mine after my niece has been put to bed at night or during my lunch-break at work. In my research, I questioned whether minorities had a fear or general dislike of politics and voting, especially because the minority voting has generally been lower in not just mid-term elections, but Presidential elections as well. My research found that among my age-group of minority voters (via Facebook groups), they did have a very basic knowledge of politics, but their apathy and disgust came from a deep-rooted anger from feeling that their representatives, senators, and even Presidential candidates had no interest in their thoughts whatsoever; they believed that they were only given lip-service for their votes and then virtually ignored once that candidate gained a political office, so why would they waste valuable working time doing so? As I studied the different theories for these attitudes, my interests were further piqued because my rudimentary findings were the complete opposite of what many of these theories proposed. So, when the opportunity to become involved with the election of  then-Presidential nominee Barack Obama, albeit on a very minor scale by passing out information, and also registering students and local voters in Tuskegee, Alabama through my local NAACP Chapter, I readily accepted. My experiences during those times gave me greater insight into minority opinions, the most prevailing being that the candidate Obama had shared a life experience most of them wanted to have, or had experienced, and they felt like he was a true champion of their views. That opinion drove them to vote in droves and that same passion for his politics was prevalent during his 2012 re-election bid. After the 2008 election cycle, I took Psychological Statistics for a quantitative analysis of the social sciences. While this class was a challenge, it strengthened my understanding of quantitative methods and allowed me to add a quantitative analysis to my research.

 

After reading about the research that Professor T had performed with respect to Latino voter participation and the publication of Professor Q on Symbolic Racism, I felt that it would be an honor to work with them or among their fellows, especially since the experience would give my research more depth and differing, yet experienced perspectives. Working with Dr. P would also be very beneficial due to her research in the role of government and healthcare, especially because my honor’s thesis was on bioethical research within the scope of the law.

 

Again, much better. This connects your time at the NAACP to your interests. The stuff about fit is fine. 

 

While going to grad school was my immediate plan, family circumstances forced me to delay my entrance, so I began working for a couple of state departments and saw American Politics from a true grassroots perspective. I was actively working with Florida’s Unemployment program and I received first-hand experience of the hardships and anguish that came every time the federal government deliberated over extending unemployment benefits or the despair of helping people find jobs in a stagnant economy. While I would have loved to travel to a foreign country or work for Congress, I honestly believe my experiences at these agencies uniquely shaped my perspectives and allowed me a glimpse of the impact of American Politics that few truly see and even fewer experience.

 

I would probably skip the opening line here and just jump right in at "After college, I worked in state level government and had the chance to observe direct interaction between citizens and the government." This could easily just be me, but I don't care for the phrase "true grassroots perspective." It makes me think there is a value judgement being passed that other views are inferior. I also would skip the list of what you wish you could have been doing had things happened in a different way and add to the talking up your perspective. "I believe that my experiences at these agencies uniquely shaped my perspectives and allowed me to see the work of the government in a way that not many people do. The way bureaucracies are actually implemented can diverge from the way they are designed because of on-the-ground circumstances. I can use my experiences with this to make my own research richer."

 

After receiving my doctorate in your program, I would like to return to working with the HuffPost Live segments, as well as frequently publishing new and interesting insight on the inner-workings of the American political system. I also would like teach, not because it’s expected, but because of this one quote by Howard Thurman that resonated within me: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” I truly and honestly believe that this field has brought me to life and I would consider it a great honor and lasting legacy to make that passion for political science come alive in others.

 

I don't have any ideas (good or otherwise) for the last paragraph for now but I may take a crack at it tomorrow some time if I get the chance.

[Kharisma]

Thanks for the revision, Polisci1234. I have until January 15 to get everything turned in so I've got some time (a small amount lol).

I'll tweak it a little more