Help me make it through the home stretch

[yesnomaybe]

This is more of a rant than a question, but maybe others can commiserate or offer advice. This will be somewhat long, so thank you in advance for your patience. 

 

I am currently a graduate student at a top program in the US in my field. I am set to defend my dissertation in a few months, after which I will presumably move on with the next phase of my life. I've been on the job market this year, starting in the fall, and still continuing now. I've done quite well for being ABD - several interviews for TT jobs with top schools at my field's professional conference, a couple of skype interviews, but only one has converted into a campus visit and honestly it's not a job I want. I'll go on my visit next week and see how it works out, but I hear they have an inside candidate so I'm not holding my breath. By all objective measures I have a very strong CV and probably good chances of getting a job in a couple of cycles, or so I am told. I am very grateful to have strong support from all of my professors, but at this point in time "I'm sure you'll be alright, someone with your skills has to be able to get a good job" is not making me feel much better. 

 

I am very tired of the uncertainty of it all. Since in all likelihood I won't have a permanent job this year, I won't know where I'll be living next year for at least a few more months - anywhere from March to June (that's if I get a postdoc, which everyone seems certain will happen later in the season). I am not a US citizen and do not want to go back to my home country, so this is introducing some extra anxiety. I need to get something or I will have to leave. Wherever I go won't be permanent, so I'll need to do the whole job market thing again, starting as soon as I arrive at my new postdoc/job, because most postdocs and temporary positions in my field are just one year long. So more uncertainty. On top of all this, my SO is also a grad student who is graduating and going through a similar job market process in his field, with unclear conclusions. This has put a lot of stress on our relationship, so much so that we have talked about breaking up in order to ease the pressure. We are not in a place to decide about staying together forever, but having a long-distance relationship for an unknown number of years without that commitment seems crazy. But we do love each other, and want to be together at least for now. 

 

Long story short, I don't know if my relationship will last, if I can live in the country I want to, if I'll have a job, where and for how long. All of this is making me question whether or not it is all worth it. Some days I'm about ready to just leave without the PhD, though my rational self knows that would be a really really stupid thing to do.The stress is making it hard for me to sleep at night and concentrate during the day, so I am having a hard time getting any work done on my dissertation. In fact, almost all of my time between November and now has been dedicated to the job market (which as I mentioned hasn't exactly been the success I had hoped for), but I really need to get back to work now. My campus visit is next week, so I absolutely need to get my act together. I may (for some jobs, whose outcome is of unknown at the moment) need to defend in about three months, and I'm no where near ready right now. I've been staring at my job talk slides all day today, but haven't even been able to make one slide. My friends say everyone goes through this process ("oh yeah, that was the worst year of my life") and hating your dissertation is how you know it's really time to graduate and move on, but it's still hard to get motivated. I used to really enjoy my work, and now I'm just too tired or too jaded to care. I am making arrangements to talk to a therapist because I think being able to articulate this all will help, but I also wonder if anyone here can commiserate or has advice to share on how to make it through this difficult period of my life. Thank you for reading this far, I know this was quite a lot, but it was good to write it all down. 

[iExcelAtMicrosoftPuns]

I've got all sorts of advice for handling stress - but what is it. Certainly not a prescription. Not a magic pill. 

Just words. 

You've come from another country. You're finishing up your PhD.  By most standards you're brilliant.  And, you're here; presenting a mindful and cogent investigation of your stress. Perhaps someone else on this board or perhaps your therapist will be able to offer some solid advice.  But from the little bit I've read here - I think you'll do just fine. I think you'll find a way to get through it and manage all the stress. 

 

[rising_star]

I don't have much advice but you should know that there are a lot of people out there in similar situations. The ABD applying for jobs thread over on the Chronicle may be helpful to you. For the job talk, just try to pull out a few major findings for the beginning and then discuss one chapter/paper in detail. There are templates you can find online that can help or, if you have friends that have recently gotten jobs, you can follow their template.