Thinking of quitting PhD

[stwanrg]

Hi all,

      This feels a bit weird to type as my first post, but I'm hoping to get some advice and thoughts. Honestly, really just having someone else read this and getting ou there would be nice.

 

I'm part way through my second semester in my PhD (in life sciences), and earned my Master's degree at the same university in Spring 2013.

 

      Long story short, I'm really unhappy where I'm at. When I started my Master's, I was really excited about my area of research. Things were going well, and although I was really busy, I was passionate about my work and it motivated me to get it done and put in the extra hours. My advisor was supportive, and although I realized I had a lot to learn, I felt like I was on the right path.

 

      As I progressed in my Master's degree, things began to get worse. I realized my advisor steered me wrong in several ways, and his advice has led to at least three of my experiments failing. He was well intentioned, but I began to realize he wasn't knowledgeable in the areas that I needed help with. I learned and have learned to rely on committee members for advice where my advisor has come short, but often the help hasn't been enough.

 

     When I finished my Master's, I was pretty mentally exhausted. An important note is that I have pretty high anxiety (I've been diagnosed with OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder, borderline Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and on and off depression). That sounds pretty bad as I write that out, but I generally manage alright unless I'm really stressed out. The SAD and GAD I wad diagnosed with during grad school, and I was in pretty good shape coming into grad school. Though last spring, I was quite unwell while writing my thesis. I started avoiding people, stayed indoors, and gained a large amout of weight. I pushed through it though, with a 4.0 GPA. Counseling and meds have helped since then, and I began my PhD in a much better frame of mind.

 

      I had talked to my advisor about time demands before agreeing to take on a PhD and was assured that things would be different. Cut to a year later, and things aren't too different. I'm working most weekends, and late on weekdays. I know that comes standard for many graduate students, but given how I go downhill under chronicly high levels of stress, I can't handle that much. Once I overwork myself, I get less done and work more to compensate - it ends up in a wicked downward spiral.

 

      I'm also fairly demotivated and feel like I've lost whatever passion I had for my research. It's become harder for me to put in long hours. My advisor, while he's a nice guy, hasn't been there as I've hoped. He's focused on including many more graduate students in our lab, but has failed to give them adequate support.

Last year, he won a grant on which I'm currently funded; however, when reading the grant, I realized that he lacked basic knowledge about our area of research. Two Master's students associated with our grant have ended up salvaging projects, or have found themselves without a functioning project. Many more have been promised resources that we simply don't have, and last year's field research was a near total failure due to poor planning and organization. Next year's research is set up to fail similarly and we're actually doubling our efforts using the same methods that failed.

 

Unfortunately, I'm usually not told about these failures, even though they impact directly on my research. My advisor pretends he hasn't heard from collaboraters, or changes the subject. I find out months afterward, usually from someone else, or once, during a conference presentation.

 

I'm preparing my first publication from my Master's research, and I recently realized that my research lacked a few basic measurements that I didn't know to take at the time, and that I wasn't advised to take. Even though my advisor acknowledged it's very possibly unpublishable, he's still pushing me to publish it.

 

 

I've just started my second semester, and I've realized how disillusioned I've become. One part of me wishes I could finish up the PhD, but I still have three years ahead of me and I don't know if I can do it. My passion for research has turned into constant frustration and pessimism. I think I could get a good job with my Master's, but I think part of me is afraid to approach my advisor. I've considered letting him know I'm considering dropping the program, but I don't know if it would be better to hold back unless I know for sure I'm quitting.

 

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading if you've got this far, and please offer any advice you have if you've been in a similar situation.

Edited February 4, 2014 by stwanrg

[St Andrews Lynx]

* Advisors don't always know best. Sometimes they change their research interests to a more "glamorous" field that they know little about - or they just give advice that they haven't thought through and won't work. It's perfectly OK to turn around to your advisor and say "I don't think that experiment is going to work because of X" - most of the time their response will be "...Oh...yeah." To continue with your PhD you might have to say to yourself that you will be the one with full responsibility for the project, and become more proactive in planning the project and correcting your advisor. 

 

* If your advisor doesn't want to be corrected, then that's a more serious problem. If your advisor repeatedly makes the same mistakes (re. the fieldwork) then that is another cause for concern.

 

* Is your advisor an Assistant (pre-tenure) Professor? He sounds fairly inexperienced. 

 

* Your own health is really important. Your own happiness is really important. People often sacrifice a bit of short-term happiness in grad school for long-term gain (better professional opportunities). The question I think you should ask yourself is...how much long-term gain do you think will come from this research group & PhD? And is that worth the current loss of happiness & health?

[ssynny]

My advice is to take a weekend and figure out if you still really want to do a PhD: Why did you want to pursue your field of study? What do you love about it? Why did you want to go for a PhD? What did you want to do with it? Do you still feel the same way?

After thinking about it generically, then think about your experience in your department and why you chose it in the first place. Is it still a good fit for you? If not, is there a way to fix that?

 

If after considering all of this, you still feel like it's not that right choice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm really trying to emphasize that you're not quitting. You're just doing what will make you happy.

 

Good luck with everything!!!!

[stwanrg]

My advice is to take a weekend and figure out if you still really want to do a PhD: Why did you want to pursue your field of study? What do you love about it? Why did you want to go for a PhD? What did you want to do with it? Do you still feel the same way?

After thinking about it generically, then think about your experience in your department and why you chose it in the first place. Is it still a good fit for you? If not, is there a way to fix that?

 

If after considering all of this, you still feel like it's not that right choice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm really trying to emphasize that you're not quitting. You're just doing what will make you happy.

 

Good luck with everything!!!!

Thanks! I kind of did that recently actually, and asked myself a lot of why's and the alternative things I could be pursuing in life. As you could probably tell from my original post, my brain is getting stuck in some negative ruts lately.

 

Ultimately, I think this going to be my last semester in graduate school. The project I'm on has taken some turns that I'm really uncomfortable with, and I'm no longer finding meaning in my work. But even though that's unfortunate, I think there's a lot of other things I could do and be happier doing and I'm excited about my future again. I think when I was so absorbed in everything, it was easy to see graduate school as the only thing that could give my life meaning or make me happy, so I had become blind to any alternatives.

 

After some more (calm) thinking, I've come to see that isn't the case. Plus, I could always get my PhD down the road if I feel like that's something I want to do and I find the right fit. I'm just not in the right place or program now for that, and I think I needed to acknowledge that.

 

Thanks, St Andrews Lynx and ssynny, for your advice

[ssynny]

 

After some more (calm) thinking, I've come to see that isn't the case. Plus, I could always get my PhD down the road if I feel like that's something I want to do and I find the right fit. I'm just not in the right place or program now for that, and I think I needed to acknowledge that.

 

Thanks, St Andrews Lynx and ssynny, for your advice

I am so glad you thought it through and are thinking positively. I wish you all the best!!