2nd Thoughts/Cold Feet

[ke6904]

I began a PhD program with my BA this year. It does feel like you're less prepared than other people, and it is scary, and you keep asking how the hell you got in. But it doesn't really matter how you got in; you're in, and schools probably wouldn't invest in you like they do based on a "fluke." But even if they did, it doesn't matter — they don't get to change their minds, you just get to do as much as you can with the opportunity. I'm still here, and I think (hope?) the gap that I perceive between myself with a BA and those with more advanced degrees will shrink as I continue through program.

 

It's OK to feel cold feet, for lots of reasons, but don't let it hold you back from going to a program that you know is right for you. I moved 3,000 miles to be here. It's crazy, it's scary, there's no guarantee of, well, anything. But man, I would've hated myself if I didn't come, or if I hadn't tried. It's true that you miss home even more once you leave, and I think about the opportunities I could have had at home without graduate school. "Wouldn't I have been happy doing that?" I ask myself. At home, I could have had good career choices, plus family, familiarity, peace — but at least for me, I know I wouldn't have been happy knowing that I gave up this opportunity, or never found out whether I could have it. Whether that's the case for you is entirely personal, but don't give anything up because you feel scared or inferior. Even if your fears are correct (which they almost certainly aren't), the best thing would still be to take all the ground that your scared and inferior self can get.

 

Thank you so much for your input. I really do feel at this point that its just fear getting in the way of me being excited about this (after all, I spent all of last semester dying over these applications, and once they were submitted, spent my time waiting to hear back). Now that I'm actually into a PhD program (and I was SURE I wouldn't be getting in) I'm scared. My professors have told me the same thing you're saying, though, and I think it just helps to keep hearing it. It's overwhelming to commit to these programs coming right out of undergrad-- everything just seems very new and daunting and I'm constantly second-guessing my abilities. The undergraduate program I came from was really awesome, but it's not a huge-name school and I'm probably the only person in my entire program who is applying to graduate programs in English. So, at times, I wonder if I'm cut out for it. But, you are right, and I know that they wouldn't have accepted me unless they really wanted me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, are there other students in your program that entered with a BA or do most have MA degrees already? 

[ProfLorax]

For an outsider's perspective, I often forget that kayrabbit doesn't have an MA. She is quick, funny, dedicated, and ambitious. Our cohort (6 with MA's and 2 with BA's only) hangs out together, and I've never once thought to myself, "Oh that kayrabbit! She is soooooo behind the rest of us!" In fact, when I do remember she is sans MA, I think to myself, "Wow. I could have never handled the transition from undergrad to PhD program as smoothly or gracefully as kayrabbit did." 

[kayrabbit]

Thank you so much for your input. I really do feel at this point that its just fear getting in the way of me being excited about this (after all, I spent all of last semester dying over these applications, and once they were submitted, spent my time waiting to hear back). Now that I'm actually into a PhD program (and I was SURE I wouldn't be getting in) I'm scared. My professors have told me the same thing you're saying, though, and I think it just helps to keep hearing it. It's overwhelming to commit to these programs coming right out of undergrad-- everything just seems very new and daunting and I'm constantly second-guessing my abilities. The undergraduate program I came from was really awesome, but it's not a huge-name school and I'm probably the only person in my entire program who is applying to graduate programs in English. So, at times, I wonder if I'm cut out for it. But, you are right, and I know that they wouldn't have accepted me unless they really wanted me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, are there other students in your program that entered with a BA or do most have MA degrees already? 

I also came from an undergrad program that was very personally enriching but wasn't advantageous name-wise, and I was the only English undergrad applying to anything but MFA programs (though I think one of my school's then-MFA students got into a PhD program that year, too). How did I end up here? I ask myself that all the time. Surely there were mistakes made! But, like I said, if you can't drown that voice, accept it and move on. You get this opportunity either way, and that's awesome! When I was waiting for application results and thinking of how terrible an applicant I was and how impossible it was any school would take me, I thought how if one school would just let me in, I'd do anything to be the most amazing asset to their program. Now that I'm in a program, I realize I don't have the confidence to jump in and say, "I'm know I'm going to be fantastic and show you how worthwhile I am!" But I'm doing what I can, and ultimately that needs to be enough for me more so than it does for them. Thinking of it that way lessens the pressure slightly, at least for me.

 

There is one other student in my cohort that came in with a BA, and seven with MAs, but a couple students were admitted with BAs in previous cohorts too. I think my program started accepting BA applicants just a few years ago, so maybe the number will increase over time. I posted something about this in another thread; there is definitely anxiety associated with feeling like you have less training than the people around you. I think there are real benefits to getting an MA first that I wasn't aware of at all as an undergrad. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve the opportunity to begin your PhD right out of undergrad or that you can't do amazing things with it. And several of my MA-bearing classmates feel very similar things, which demonstrates that, outside of certain personality types, we'll all usually make ourselves feel inferior regardless of previous experiences and capabilities.

 

P.S. Congratulations on the amazing accomplishment of getting into a program! I never believe it of myself, but I can say to you that you clearly distinguished yourself from a field of incredibly smart and skilled people, and that's fantastic. Since we never really believe this of ourselves, it's good to say it to each other instead.

Edited March 11, 2014 by kayrabbit

[kayrabbit]

For an outsider's perspective, I often forget that kayrabbit doesn't have an MA. She is quick, funny, dedicated, and ambitious. Our cohort (6 with MA's and 2 with BA's only) hangs out together, and I've never once thought to myself, "Oh that kayrabbit! She is soooooo behind the rest of us!" In fact, when I do remember she is sans MA, I think to myself, "Wow. I could have never handled the transition from undergrad to PhD program as smoothly or gracefully as kayrabbit did." 

You're wonderful I know not how to gif but would love to gif-express cohort love to you.

 

Also, I think it is true that the differences are mostly just apparent from your own perspective. I'm realizing that the one of the people I included in the seven MAs is actually someone pursuing an MA/PhD in a slightly different program, and I never think about them as not having an English MA. They're smart and impressive!

[ComeBackZinc]

If you didn't feel impostor syndrome, you'd be the first academic effort not to. It's perfectly normal and natural. But it's also perfectly natural, and very wise, to think this decision through very carefully. It's at least the next five years of your life, after all.

[SleepyOldMan]

The last English class I took was in college 35 years ago. I know I will be behind at the start, but it's a position I've been in before. There will be challenges. I will catch up.

[Eternal Optimist]

This is one of the best threads I have read in this forum! Thanks to Fiz for starting it.

[ke6904]

I also came from an undergrad program that was very personally enriching but wasn't advantageous name-wise, and I was the only English undergrad applying to anything but MFA programs (though I think one of my school's then-MFA students got into a PhD program that year, too). How did I end up here? I ask myself that all the time. Surely there were mistakes made! But, like I said, if you can't drown that voice, accept it and move on. You get this opportunity either way, and that's awesome! When I was waiting for application results and thinking of how terrible an applicant I was and how impossible it was any school would take me, I thought how if one school would just let me in, I'd do anything to be the most amazing asset to their program. Now that I'm in a program, I realize I don't have the confidence to jump in and say, "I'm know I'm going to be fantastic and show you how worthwhile I am!" But I'm doing what I can, and ultimately that needs to be enough for me more so than it does for them. Thinking of it that way lessens the pressure slightly, at least for me.

 

There is one other student in my cohort that came in with a BA, and seven with MAs, but a couple students were admitted with BAs in previous cohorts too. I think my program started accepting BA applicants just a few years ago, so maybe the number will increase over time. I posted something about this in another thread; there is definitely anxiety associated with feeling like you have less training than the people around you. I think there are real benefits to getting an MA first that I wasn't aware of at all as an undergrad. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve the opportunity to begin your PhD right out of undergrad or that you can't do amazing things with it. And several of my MA-bearing classmates feel very similar things, which demonstrates that, outside of certain personality types, we'll all usually make ourselves feel inferior regardless of previous experiences and capabilities.

 

P.S. Congratulations on the amazing accomplishment of getting into a program! I never believe it of myself, but I can say to you that you clearly distinguished yourself from a field of incredibly smart and skilled people, and that's fantastic. Since we never really believe this of ourselves, it's good to say it to each other instead.

 

This makes me feel a lot better. Thank you so much for your advice-- and seriously, congratulations to you too! You're right, we should be more proud of ourselves, and I should take my own advice, but it is awesome to be chosen. I was just talking to a professor yesterday who was saying that one of the biggest battles is getting in, and not a lot of people are doing that these days. I had the same feeling you did when I was applying, all I wanted was one program and I knew I could prove myself once I was there.. but I ended up getting two (so far) and have a choice to make.

[ke6904]

This is one of the best threads I have read in this forum! Thanks to Fiz for starting it.

 

I agree. Being pretty much the only undergraduate in my program that's applying for MA or PhD in English programs, I've only had my professors to consult. While they've given me great advice, it's nice to be able to connect with people more on my level. Fiz, I'm so glad you decided to be honest with this.. It makes me feel better to know I'm not even close to being the only one with these feelings.