Help !! Deadline is soon .. Evaluate my SOP - MBA Program

[HHHHgg]

Hello All,

 

I need someone to review my motivation letter, my English writing skills isn't that strong and I need edition on the Grammar of the essay, if it all make sense !!  They are two essays the first is motivation letter and the second is essay on my extra circular activities.

 

The first essay 

 

Dear Admissions Committee,

I am writing to express my interest in joining the MBA - International Management Program at XX. My catalyst to apply for the program is to gain a deepened study in the business administration field that would help me fulfill my future plans to grow the family owned business that I am currently running along with my father and to learn how to make savvy decisions. The concrete and solid academic curriculum of the program along with its international accreditation made me determined to work on myself more to be able to join the program.

 

My graduation from Cairo University with a Bachelor degree in statistics has given a strong foundation to my analytical skills and improved my problem-solving ability. After my graduation, my professional career started with XX as a Junior Statistician; responsible of performing statistical and data quality checks for the clients in the retail market. Due to my strong endeavors and team support that I showed in my first year, I applied for a vacancy in the consumer research department as a Senior Executive. The tasks of the new position required a greater effort and harder work. The job responsibilities included performing statistical data analysis and also managerial tasks such as supervising with my manager both the teams of data entry, coders and interviewer, and handling the financial advisory work of the department through working with my team on achieving the targeted profit of the department and successfully it exceeded the required target by almost 20 thousand dollars. My experience with XX not only strengthened my analytical and quantitative skills, but also strengthened my ability to manage multiple teams efficiently, organize and distribute the work functions in a precise and accurate way and how to communicate the solutions and resolutions in a smooth, concise way.

 

After a careful thought, I decided to join XX, an advertising agency that is a family owned business that was founded by my father twenty years ago, for two main reasons first to invest my skills and experience I gained previously in developing the company and second to gain a broader understanding of the market and the client management area. At the beginning of my work, I decided to develop the work flow by creating an organized work process and organized the employees’ hierarchy. And in the client management area, after two years working with the company, I was able to create a strong client relationship and introduced new clients to the company. Moreover, I worked on finding unique methods of advertising and promoting the products of the clients that some of these ideas required to cross the boarders and to cooperate with advertising agencies in other countries such as China and Lithuania. The two years’ experience with XX was intense and it gave me a chance to develop diversified professional skills including negotiation and presentation skills and also developing my sense of creativity and imagination.

Taking into consideration my interests and plans, graduate business school is the next logical step. At this point in my life, I consider the MBA to be necessary since I need to gain a broader understanding of business management in order to develop and expand the family business. After the MBA program I will start my plan on expanding the services provided by the company. Finally, I believe that I possess the capability to perform well in the program and hope that the university will grant me a chance to join it.

[HHHHgg]

My Second essay on extra circular activities :

 

Dear Admissions Committee,

Ever since my school and till the college, I have participated in many volunteer work, clubs, sports and other activities. Yet the most influential activity for me was my volunteer work with a charity organization in Cairo named “Al Resalla”.I used to teach young students who usually work after school to support their families financially. I volunteer to teach them subjects that weren’t easy for them to comprehend that are mathematics and English. The fact the reason for doing so is not only help them study their subjects but also to do my best to make them fully aware that they should grow up to be accountable and successful contributors to their society. The impact of this work on me is priceless and it makes me fully appreciate how much I was blessed to grow up as a well-educated person and to appreciate the dedication of my family to be who I am today.

My work with the organization also includes working on raising funds for the organization; that gives the money to either the people who are unable to get proper medical treatment; due to the high poverty rates in Egypt and the high cost of medical treatments or it gives the money for the Syrian refugees in Egypt who hardly have food and shelter, I volunteer to help the people who faces catastrophic circumstances as it gives me relief and internal peace and mainly because I believe in karma.

In addition to my volunteer work I am always interested in interacting with new people with diversified nationalities and backgrounds, so during my college years, I participated for three years in the Model of American Congress (MAC) which simulates the real American Congress and it gives a the students the chance to negotiate various international political and economic topics. The model was divided into sub-committees and each committee included almost fifteen members and each committee discusses various topics chosen by their four instructors.  After assimilating myself in the model for two years, I was elected to act as an instructor of the committee along with other three instructors. My work as an instructor required from me to work with my team on distributing the functions of each member in the committee, organize the weekly sessions and choose the weekly topics. Over my participation period of three years, I got the chance to meet students from various backgrounds either Egyptian or multinational students studying in Egypt. The experience was intense that cultivated my interest in politics and my communication, interactional and team management skills. I also learning how to communicate and express the premises for a certain topic in a concise simple way.

Finally I want to talk about the most favorable activity for me that is the photography. I have always been fond of the taking photos for new places and new people that I meet to keep their memories. My passion for photography comes from my father, who also have a high passion for photography and during a certain period of his professional career he worked as photographer for a newspaper. Due to my passion I joined Cairo Photography Club that is one of the biggest clubs for amateur photographers in Cairo. I have been a member for more than four years and during these period I travelled many places within Egypt to have photos shots for historic places and natural scenes.

 

[Kleene]

Just some suggestions.

 

red = remove

blue = add

purple = is a bit vague, I am not entirely sure I get your intention

 

When do you need it? I am not sure if I have time to check your second essay today.

 

 

Hello All,

 

I need someone to review my motivation letter, my English writing skills isn't that strong and I need edition on the Grammar of the essay, if it all make sense !!  They are two essays the first is motivation letter and the second is essay on my extra circular activities.

 

The first essay 

 

Dear Admissions Committee,

I am writing to express my interest in joining the MBA - International Management Program at XX. My catalyst to apply for motivation for applying to the program is to gain a deepened study in the business administration field that to study the business administration field at a high-level which would help me fulfill my future plans to grow expand the family owned business that I am currently running along with my father and to learn how to make savvy smart decisions. The concrete and solid academic curriculum of the program along with its international accreditation recognition made me determined to work on myself more push myself further in order to be able to join the program.

 

My graduation from Cairo University with a Bachelor degree in statistics My Bachelor degree in Statistics from Cairo University has given a strong foundation to my analytical skills my analytical skills a strong foundation and improved my problem-solving ability. After my graduation, my professional career started with at XX as a Junior Statistician; responsible of for performing statistical and data quality checks for the clients in the retail market. Due to my strong endeavors determination and the team support that I showed in my first year, I applied for a vacancy in the consumer research department as a Senior Executive. The tasks of the new position required a greater effort and harder work. The job responsibilities included performing statistical data analysis and also managerial tasks such as supervising with my manager both the teams of data entry, coders and interviewer, and handling the financial advisory work of the department through working with my team on achieving the targeted profit of the department. It was successful and successfully it the profit exceeded the required target by almost 20 thousand dollars. My experience with XX not only strengthened my analytical and quantitative skills, but also strengthened my ability to manage multiple teams efficiently, organize and distribute the work functions in a precise and accurate way and how to communicate the solutions and resolutions in a smooth, concise way.

 

After a careful thought, I decided to join XX, an advertising agency, that is a family owned business that was founded by my father twenty years ago, for two main reasons. first Firstly, to invest my enhance the skills and experience I gained previously earlier in developing the company and, second secondly, to gain a broader understanding of the market and the client management area. At the beginning of my work In my early days at XX, I decided to develop the work flow by creating an organized work process and organized the employees’ hierarchy. And in the client management area, after two years working with the company, I was able to create a strong client relationship and I introduced new clients to the company. Moreover, I worked on finding unique methods of advertising and promoting the products of the clients clients' products. that some of these ideas required to cross the boarders borders and to cooperate with advertising agencies in other countries such as China and Lithuania. The My two years’ years experience with XX was intense and it gave me a chance to develop diversified a variety of professional skills including negotiation and presentation skills and also developing to develop my sense of creativity and imagination.

Taking into consideration my interests and plans into consideration, graduate business school is the next logical step. At this point in my life, I consider the MBA to be necessary, since I need to gain a broader understanding of business management in order to develop and expand the family business. After the MBA program I will start my plan on expanding the services provided by the company. Finally, I believe that I possess the capability to perform am capable of performing well in the program and hope that the university will grant me a chance to join it.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Kleene

[Kleene]

By the way, I noticed you said the word 'always'. Some adcoms seem to believe using 'always' is a killer, since it would technically mean since the day you were born. Also, keep in mind that some of my suggestions are severely affected by personal preference.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

My Second essay on extra circular extracurricular activities :

 

Dear Admissions Committee,

Ever since my school and till the college, I have participated in many volunteer work, clubs, sports and other activities. Yet the most influential activity for me was my volunteer work with a charity organization in Cairo named “Al Resalla”. I used to teach young students who usually work after school to support their families financially. I volunteer to teach them subjects that weren’t easy for them to comprehend that  they struggle with, which are mathematics and English. The fact the reason for reason I am doing so is not only to help them study their subjects but also to do my best to make them fully aware that they should of how they can grow up to be accountable and successful contributors to their society. The impact of this work on me is priceless and it makes me fully appreciate how much I was have been blessed to grow up as to be a well-educated person and to appreciate the dedication of my family, and to be who I am today.

My work with the organization also includes working on raising funds fundraising for the organization. that gives The organization donates the money to either the people who are unable to get proper medical treatment; due to the high poverty rates in Egypt and the high cost of medical treatments, or it gives donates the money for to the Syrian refugees in Egypt who hardly have have hardly any food and shelter. I volunteer to help the people who faces face catastrophic circumstances as it gives me relief and internal peace and mainly because I believe in karma.

In addition to my volunteer work I am have always been interested in interacting with new people with diversified of diverse nationalities and backgrounds. So, during my college years I participated for three years in the Model of American Congress (MAC) for three years, which simulates the real American Congress and it gives a the students the chance opportunity to negotiate discuss various international political and economic topics issues. The model MAC was divided into sub-committees. and each committee included almost fifteen members and each committee discusses discussed various topics issues chosen by their four instructors. After assimilating myself in the model MAC for two years, I was elected to act as an instructor of the committee along with other three instructors. My work as an instructor required from me to work with my team on distributing the functions of assigning tasks to each member in of the committee, organize the weekly sessions and choose the weekly topics issues. Over my participation period of three years, I got the chance have had the opportunity to meet students from various backgrounds, either Egyptian or multinational international? students studying in Egypt. The experience was intense that This intense experience cultivated my interest in politics and my communication communicative, interactional and team management skills. I also learning learnt how to communicate and express the premises for of a certain topic in a concise, simple way.

Finally, I want to talk about discuss the most favorable activity for me that is the my favorite activity, which is photography. I have always been fond of the taking photos for of new places and new people that I meet to keep their memories remind them by. My passion for photography comes from my father, who also have a high has a strong passion for photography and during a certain period of his professional career he worked as photographer for a newspaper. Due to my passion I joined the Cairo Photography Club, that which is one of the biggest clubs for amateur photographers in Cairo. I have been a member for more than four years now and during these this period I travelled to many places within in Egypt to have photos shots for shoot photos of historic places and natural scenes.

Edited February 20, 2014 by Kleene