How to Say No Properly to an Extremely Friendly Program

[PvZ 2]

My problem is probably rather common, but since I am not a resolute person, I just don't know what to do.

 

Before the application season, I contacted a professor of this program and we had several very nice chats (even in person when he gave a talk at my current school). I realized that he not only was one of the best fits for me academically, but also happened to be one of the nicest persons I have ever met. He helped me a lot to let me get into the program and even secured a fellowship for me. So, obviously, I feel that I couldn't be more fortunate to meet such a nice professor. 

 

Yet the problem is that I also received other offers from other programs and I am now inclining to decline the offer from this one. The reasons are partially financial (because this program gives relatively modest amount of stipend, whereas my previous studies have cost me a lot) and partially academic (because the program I almost decide to attend is with national reputation and an incredible group of faculty members, though none of them is as good a personal fit as that nice professor). Given all he has already done on my behalf, I feel really sorry to say no to him. Moreover, I don't know if it is possible that he will take my decision personally. Therefore, I wonder what I should do at this point. Should I say no as early as possible, or should I delay it for a few days? Should I say no after I pay a campus visit, or should I pay no visit at all so as to save a few hundred dollars for the department? Should I say no via phone (but I foresee it will be an embarrassing call), or simply send them an email? 

 

Again, I am not a resolute person. That is why I have been hesitating about this for a few days. It seems that this program really wants me to come. Several professors and grad students kept sending me very friendly emails. I am greatly moved and feel thankful, but at the same time it makes me even more uncomfortable to say no (at least to do so abruptly…) So, I really need your help! What is the proper way to decline the offer by such a nice group of people? Thank you! 

 

Edited March 11, 2014 by PvZ 2

[gingin6789]

Thank you so much for this thread.  I have the exact same question.  What it comes down to, for me, is my personal situation at this point in time.  Both universities I've been accepted to have phenomenal programs, funding packages, locations, cohort solidarity, and faculty (all-around: research, friendliness, teaching ,etc.)

 

Universities can't do anything to change my personal life situation that calls for me to (1) be as close to home as possible and (2) be able to come home easily if need be, and (3) POSSIBLY take an extended break after my MA.  So, the flaw doesn't lie within the university!  The MAIN factor that made my decision is my life situation!

 

However, the program I'm turning down is full of just the friendliest faculty who are genuinely interested in me as a person and who have told me (multiple times) how strong they think my application is (which just makes me want to keel over on the spot because it's such an unexpected honor).  

 

What I've decided to do is this (unless I get feedback telling me not to).  I'm calling back tomorrow, and I have a letter written out that I really want to read to the DGS that fully explains why I decided to turn down the program, and also expresses my desire to attend graduate school there in the future for my PhD (offer I'm accepting is for a terminal MA).  I'm just going all out to express my gratitude so that they know I didn't take their offer lightly or for granted, and so that they know I put some serious thought into this decision.

[PhDerp]

It sounds like this person really has your best interest in mind, if he's as nice as you say, so I think he would understand your decision. I would e-mail him once you know for sure that you are going to decline this school's offer. Maybe he'd even give you some advice about your decision, but don't lead him on if you know you're not going to consider this school any more, and don't explicitly ask for it.

 

You may want to iterate that you would like to keep in-touch when you e-mail him; if he responds positively, he may still foster a kind of mentor relationship with you from a distance, though probably with only occasional correspondences (e.g. a few times a year).

 

Don't let this feeling of obligation to a single professor bind you to your program. He should understand your decision as a professional, and he may even be more understanding than you realize as a potential mentor.

[bakalamba]

I agree with PhDerp. I'd add that you shouldn't visit the campus if you're planning on declining. It's not very ethical, particularly if they're paying for your trip - and it probably would be awkward for you.

[PvZ 2]

Thank you both, gingin6789 and PHDerp! Very helpful replies. And gingin6789, wish you good luck! 

 

When I was writing this post, I received the reply from rbamattre. Much appreciated! That is exactly what I am concerned about. If I do visit there, my personal situation won't be much changed by this visit and I may probably say no after the visit. Yet at the same time I fear that paying no visit may make me appear equally rude since they might think, "Look, this guy always said that he wanted to come. Now that we will pay for his visit, and he doesn't even want to stay for one or two days!" This is not the most serious. I fear that other faculties in the department may think of the nice professor who have backed me so much that, "See, you kept saying that we should admit this guy. Now that we have admitted him, but he doesn't seem care about this offer at all! Don't be too nice next time, alright?" 

 

Again, I know these are probably over-sensitive and rather trivial psychological speculations that may appear funny in the eyes of determined people… The fact is that I have been really tortured by these speculations for days. But I think you are definitely right, PHDerp, that I should not be bound by the professor to this program. 

[artichoke203]

Thank you for this thread! I have been (over)thinking about the similar dilemma -- to visit or not to visit. I do think it is kind of rude to not visit; it looks like you're not even considering them, especially in my case I have also been in contact with very nice professors and their students. On the other hand I also feel guilty that they are paying (partially) for the trip. 

 

So I talked to my current advisor about this, and he said I should still go visit: to avoid seeming rude AND to take it as a networking experience. The people you meet/contact at those schools are probably going to be attending the same conferences, working on similar projects as you etc. so it would be preferable to not "burn bridges". I also think the professors understand that this is a professional decision, so what I am planning to do is just make sure I send everyone I contacted a personal email when I have officially made a decision -- thanking them, saying hope we cross paths etc in the most sincere way possible. 

[PvZ 2]

Thank you, artichoke203! I find your suggestion rather constructive.

 

I am thinking about doing this: I will visit the school, but pay for the trip myself. This way it costs the department nothing and at the same time I am able to show that I really take them seriously, which is definitely true. Though I still wonder if this is really necessary… 

[gingin6789]

Not a problem, PvZ!  

 

I went to a recruitment visit at the university I'm not attending because I wasn't 100% sure of where I wanted to go at the time.  The visit was such a pleasure and was very informative.  It made my decision very heart-wrenching, but very clear: I couldn't be there at this point in time, but it was the place where I want to obtain my PhD (the program I'll be attending is a terminal MA).  The only reason I couldn't be there, again, was because of my life situation at this point in time (financial and family reasons, basically.  Both programs are FANTASTIC and very equal in terms of program quality, at least for me and my fit). So, I understand your wish to visit! I think it sounds like you have a good plan!

 

I ended up calling the DGS of the university where I've declined the offer today ... I was just very forward and emotional about it.  I told him how incredibly difficult this decision was, how it wasn't a decision made lightly, that I was in no way taking their offer for granted, and that I knew that the other program is a better fit with my current life situation.  I also told him that the visit verified that I wish to obtain my PhD there in the future.  He said he understood my situation completely, and that those factors need to be taken into consideration when making these decisions, told me that he was glad I let him know sooner rather than later, said he'd look forward to seeing my application again in a while (with a lighthearted chuckle), and just generally let me babble on until I got everything out.  He wasn't upset with me at all.  

 

I hope that's a relief to you.  

 

Please do remember this --- If this professor genuinely has your best interests at heart, he WILL understand.  It's the mark of true selflessness or having someone's best interests at heart when they understand your situation and how it affects you rather than thinking of how your situation affects themselves!!!!

 

Best of luck to you, and if there's anything else I can do to help, let me know!

Edited March 12, 2014 by gingin6789

[PvZ 2]

Thanks for sharing your latest experience with me, gingin6789! Indeed relieving! And I believe you are absolutely right in that a nice professor will understand students' choice, especially when they do have sufficient reasons.

 

So I have decided to visit the school at my own expense. Not cheap given my tight budget, but better than feeling guilty. I chose the date as early as possible so that I will have plenty of time to rethink about this program after the visit and, if I am sure I will not attend, to notify the department before it is too late to be proper. 

 

I appreciate the help from all of you! And I wish all of you good luck! 

Edited March 12, 2014 by PvZ 2

[NoSleepTilBreuckelen]

Great thread! I needed this advice too!

 

PvZ 2 if the school is offering to pay for your trip - it's okay to take them up on it. They are not expecting everyone who attends to take them up on their offer of admission. These trips are a great opportunity (for you and them) to network, so they are getting something out of it too. Though if you want to keep costs to a minimum by booking cheap flights and asking whether you can stay with a current grad student instead of in a hotel, I'm sure they would appreciate that

Edited March 19, 2014 by NoSleepTilBreuckelen

[gingin6789]

PvZ2, I hope your visit goes well!! :D I'm glad I could help!

 

NoSleep, I'm glad this thread helped you, too!