One Day Left, Would You Please Critique My SOP?

[Microbot]

Dear all,

 

I'm an international student wishing to apply for Master of Biotechnology in the US for Fall 2014 to study synthetic biology. The prompt said something like this:

 

"Briefly describe your career goals and the role our program will play in helping you achieve those goals."

 

The admission staff suggest me to write no more than 700 words. However, I'm switching my interest so I feel the need to describe my background and how I come to this new interest. I should also explain my bad grades during my sophomore since no other place to do it. Here's my draft.

 

Growing up in the rural town of [XXX], truly nurtured my fascination for nature and my interest in biology. Tinkering with flowers and collecting insects' specimen from lush farms surrounding my house have taught me the power of keen observation and analysis, which was the beginning of my scientific life. During high school, I brought along these childhood experiences to excel in science subjects that eventually culminated in me representing my country in [XXX], awarded with Silver Medal in 200[X]. It was during the [XXX] training I learned about molecular biology and biotechnology, knowing that organisms could be genetically engineered for useful purposes. Since that moment, I decided I want to study biotechnology and pursue my career in this field.

 

I obtained the basics during my undergraduate study at [XXX] through courses like Microbial Genetic Engineering and Industrial Biotechnology. My grades were slightly marred during the end of my sophomore year in several courses. I acknowledge that my lack of good study management hindered my development. However, I managed to overcome this problem in the next semester, improved my GPA, and started my life as a productive student, showed by my activities as a group leader in biogas reactor installation and volunteer in vermicompost application on farming villages near [XXX]. These activities allowed me to apply my knowledge to actual community problems while improving my skills in project development, resource management, and working with people from diverse backgrounds, from agriculture to mechanical engineering. In addition, my work as a [XXX] instructor at [XXX] spawned my passion in teaching. Through all of those activities, I finally reached my maturity.

 

These experiences imprinted in me the power of thinking from many perspectives, leading to one theme that I carry out throughout my academic and professional life: interdisciplinarity. To solve the world problems, we need interdisciplinary approach. My interest particularly lies in the interface between life sciences and sustainable development. That's the main reason I chose to do my undergraduate final project investigating oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses; gaining a deeper understanding of fungal physiology while applying the results to increase mushroom production. I also challenged myself to try different field of research during my internship at [XXX], studying growth of vero cell lines for polio vaccine production. I gained new lab skills in animal cell culture while also having a direct involvement in management of a biotechnology company through regular meetings and writing reports.

 

Having had various experiences in biotechnology, I decided my career goals are to be a lecturer and researcher in synthetic biology. My pivotal point came in 2010 when I read articles about J. Craig Venter and his team successfully created the first synthetic genomes that worked in a living organism. This intriguing breakthrough sparked the idea of gene mixing between species using the minimal genome as a chassis, raising prospect of building a "super-cell" with a pre-designed genome capable to perform any programmed task, from producing useful chemicals to detecting toxic substances in the environment. Other accomplishments like synthesis of malaria drug artemisinin in yeast convinced me that this field has tremendous potential for research and applications. This unique interdisciplinary approach of molecular biology and engineering is so exciting. I further solidified my new interest by joining [XXX] iGEM team in 2013, designing and constructing [XXX] biosensor in E. coli to quickly detect poisoning in grains and legumes. Limited time and resources while coping with the rigor of the competition taught me that to achieve a common goal, persistence and strong multidisciplinary teamwork is a must.

 

Since a solid understanding of engineering principles is required for synthetic biology, taking master program that bridge my life sciences background with engineering will be a logical step before advancing to do a PhD. I want to continue my study at [XXX] University Master of Biotechnology program. [XXX] reputation and high ranking as proofs of excellence will give me a lead in starting my career. The strong interdisciplinary faculty will bring me the expertise I need in pursuing synthetic biology. Study of metabolic engineering in [XXX] lab and cell-free synthetic biology in [XXX] lab are of particular interest to me. I believe their approaches could be expanded to produce better biofuels and help tackle global energy problem. I will bring my experience as a person from a tropical region and world's [XXX] most populous nation to the class to raise more discussions of what problem biotechnology could solve. I also plan to apply what I've learned in the class and labs at industrial environment through internships, particularly in renewable fuels-related companies. The experience gained will allow me to build a strong relationship with industry that in turn will enhance my future career.

 

I hope that [XXX] University will give me the chance to join the Masters of Biotechnology program. [XXX] will be my stepping stone to make great impacts in people's lives, while still being true to my passion and interests.

 

Could you comment my SoP and give some advice on how to improve it? What should I trim and what should I expand? Also how to adequately explain the important things without too much exceeding the limit?

Thank you so much for your help.

[fuzzylogician]

Get rid of the entire first paragraph. It tells me nothing about why this school should admit you.

 

There are odd language choices throughout. A non-exhaustive list includes: "spawned," "finally reached my maturity." "imprint," "my pivotal point," "as proofs of excellence"

 

The second paragraph is too long, and isn't focused enough. Is this paragraph about your undergrad experience or about your extracurriculars? I don't think there is a need to list classes you took as an undergrad, since it'll appear on your transcript and you're not using the opportunity to talk about any of these classes. I'm also not sure if there is a need to mention "slightly marred" grades and explain them away, honestly the explanation sounds worse than the problem. 

 

If I were you, I'd start my SOP with the something like the contents of the third paragraph. It requires a bit of work on the language (missing articles and some awkward phrasing), but it actually tells the reader who you are and what you do. I'd put that front and center. Since this one is important, here are some in-line edits:

 

These experiences imprinted in me the power taught me the importance of being able to thinking about a problem from many multiple perspectives,. This is a central leading to one theme that I have carryied out throughout my academic and professional life: interdisciplinarity. To solve the world's problems, we need an interdisciplinary approach. My interest particularly lies in particular in the interface between the Life Sciences and sustainable development. For this reason, I decided to study  That'  is the main reason I chose to do my undergraduate final project investigating oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses for my undergraduate final project; gaining  This allowed for a deeper understanding of fungal physiology while applying the results to increase mushroom production. I also challenged myself to try became familiar with a different field of research during my internship at [XXX], studying growth of vero cell lines for polio vaccine production. I gained new lab skills in animal cell culture while also having a direct involvement being directly involved in the management of a biotechnology company through regular meetings and writing reports. [note: I'm not sure I understood what you mean here. Sitting in on meetings and writing reports is not the same as being involved in management. What did you do for this company, exactly?]

 

Later paragraphs are quite good. They could use some English language editing, but overall I like them a lot.

 

Since you need to submit this tomorrow, I think it's a better use of your time to work on the first few paragraphs. This should also help you bring this essay down to the length that was recommended to you. My suggestion would be basically to get rid of the first two paragraphs entirely. Start with a version of your third paragraph as the opener, or alternatively use the 4th paragraph as the opener (but shorten it a bit, because it's long-winded). So the narrative is -- I am interested in X types of questions; I think interdisciplinarity is very important. This became clear to me when the Venter team published their article about [blah] and I saw in that an opportunity to do [blah]. it inspired me to join the competition [blah] where I learned [blah]. In my own studies, I've embraced interdisciplinary in different ways, e.g. through my UG final project abotu [blah], my internship and experience in a biotech company. I've also done volunteer work as [blah] and teaching as [blah]. -- This could be two paragraphs, one about your broad interests and how that study influenced you, and one more detailed about your experiences with your project, internship, teaching, etc. Once you have this, take the first sentence in your current fourth paragraph and put it at the beginning of the fifth paragraph. The fifth paragraph can pretty much stay as is. I'm not sure that the "I will bring my experience as a person from a tropical region" etc. is relevant, since I'm not sure I see where else you say that you want to solve problems that are relevant to that part of the world. If it's important, I think you need to mention it as a goal early on. 

 

Good luck! 

[SciencePerson101]

Less "these things inspire me to do science..." and more "I actively did research, join groups, .etc." They don't care if you are inspired by nature when you are a kid or Craig Venter rekindle your love for science. What did you actually do?

[Microbot]

Dear fuzzylogician and SciencePerson101

 

Thank you so much for your constructivre criticism. I know I should have done it earlier. The silly thing is I have sent this version to two schools. I personally think uncomfortable with the version, as it emphasizes too much on my background but not on my goals and how the university could help me reaching them. I have shown this version to one of my lecturer whom I think is very critical and meticuluos. However, that's all he could suggest me. The deadline was approaching so I was left with no choice.

 

Less "these things inspire me to do science..." and more "I actively did research, join groups, .etc." They don't care if you are inspired by nature when you are a kid or Craig Venter rekindle your love for science. What did you actually do?

 

I did get inspired by Craig Venter's work, that's the turning point for my interest. My previous projects are more related to applied microbiology, without much molecular biology. I thought I should did something to prepare myself and to show that I'm really interested in synthetic biology as it would gave me a strong reason for applying to the program. So I later joined iGEM team at my home university as a collaborator.

 

There are odd language choices throughout. A non-exhaustive list includes: "spawned," "finally reached my maturity." "imprint," "my pivotal point," "as proofs of excellence"

 

The second paragraph is too long, and isn't focused enough. Is this paragraph about your undergrad experience or about your extracurriculars? I don't think there is a need to list classes you took as an undergrad, since it'll appear on your transcript and you're not using the opportunity to talk about any of these classes. I'm also not sure if there is a need to mention "slightly marred" grades and explain them away, honestly the explanation sounds worse than the problem. 

 

 

About the odd language choices, it's purely due to my fair English. I'm not good in writing so I couldn't think of proper words to express myself for a certain condition. I only rely on English Thesaurus. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes and showing the better word choices.

 

My theme for the second paragraph is more like my whole undergrad experience. It's like I was doing good at first, but then got bad grades in one semester. I realized that my problem was in time management skills which could be related to my lack of extracurricular activities. So I decided to join several activities in the next semester and thankfully, it did help improve my GPA. Besides, those activities taught me many skills that I described in the paragraph and led me to think that I'm interested in using my knowledge for a good use in society. I know it might seem out-of-focused. Could you suggest me how to better manage these details?

 

About the bad grades, I think I should explain it since it's in molecular biology and microbial genetics. The SoP is the only place for doing it. How could they believe that I'm ready for synthetic biology if I had bad grades on some key courses? Could you give suggestion for this?

 

I will try to revise my SoP based on your suggestion. There is much time difference between here and the USA so I could use my time.

Thank you so much.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Microbot

[fuzzylogician]

Well in case this still helps: Since you want to explicitly talk about your grades, I guess something like your second paragraph is required. I'd still recommend placing it later in the SOP, after the first two paragraphs I suggested above. Perhaps the discussion of your grades and other activities can fit as part of the second paragraph - so, the first one discusses your research interests and the inspiration for them. The second paragraph discusses the specifics of your past work - thesis, internship, consulting, extracurriculars, and one short sentence about the semester with bad grades and how you've overcome it. Then you go on to discuss your future goals and how the school you are applying to will help you achieve them.

[Microbot]

Dear Fuzzylogician,

 

Thank you so much for the advice. It still helps. I have at least 11 hours before the bell rings.

Turns out, the recommended max length is 750 words. I tried to reorganize the letter as you recommend and I come to this:

 

-----------------------------

 

To solve the world's most pressing problems, we must be able to think about them from multiple perspectives. This idea became clear to me in 2010, when I first learned about synthetic biology through articles about J. Craig Venter and his team successfully created the first synthetic genomes that worked in a living organism. In this intriguing breakthrough I saw the opportunity for gene mixing between species using the minimal genome as a chassis, raising prospect of building a "super-cell" with a pre-designed genome capable to perform any programmed task, from producing useful chemicals to detecting toxic substances in the environment. I found its interdisciplinary approach of molecular biology and engineering so exciting. Other accomplishment like synthesis of malaria drug artemisinin in yeast convinced me that this field has tremendous potential for research and applications. Since that moment, I decided my career goals are to be a lecturer and researcher in synthetic biology.

 

My interest lies in particular in the interface between the Life Sciences and sustainable development. Therefore, I decided to study oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses for my undergraduate final project at [XXX]. This allowed for a deeper understanding of fungal physiology while applying the results to increase mushroom production. I also became familiar with a different field of research during my internship at [XXX], studying growth of vero cell lines for polio vaccine production. I gained new lab skills in animal cell culture and also my first experience working in industrial environment. I further solidified my interest in synthetic biology by joining [XXX] iGEM team in 2013, designing and constructing [XXX] biosensor in E. coli to quickly detect poisoning in grains and legumes. Limited time and resources while coping with the rigor of the competition taught me that to achieve a common goal, persistence and strong multidisciplinary teamwork is a must.

 

My extracurricular activities as a group leader in biogas reactor installation and volunteer in vermicompost application on farming villages near [XXX] allowed me to apply my knowledge to actual community problems. I acquired valuable skills in project development, resource management, and working with people from diverse backgrounds, from agriculture to mechanical engineering. In addition, my work as an instructor at [XXX] nurtured my passion in teaching. These activities improved my time management skills which in turn helped me to overcome my bad grades at the end of my sophomore year.

 

Since a solid understanding of engineering principles is required for synthetic biology, taking master program that bridge my life sciences background with engineering will be a logical step before advancing to do a PhD. For this reason, I want to continue my study at [XXX] Master of Biotechnology Program. The comprehensive curriculum offered by the program will give me a well-rounded preparation for doctoral program while [XXX] University high reputation will give me a lead in starting my career. The strong interdisciplinary faculty will bring me the expertise I need in pursuing synthetic biology. Study of metabolic engineering in Dr. [XXX] lab and cell-free synthetic biology in Dr. [XXX] lab are of particular interest to me. I believe their approaches could be expanded to design better cell factories for biofuel production and help tackle global energy problems. I plan to take the certificate in [XXX] to apply what I've learned in the class and labs in disadvantaged areas of the world. I also plan to take industrial internships, particularly in renewable fuels-related companies. The experience gained will allow me to build a strong relationship with industry that in turn will enhance my future career.

 

I truly hope that [XXX] University will give me the chance to join [XXX]. The program will be my stepping stone to make great impacts in people's lives while still being true to my passion and interests.

 

-----------------------------

 

It goes to around 650 words. Still have 100 words if I need to expand some points or give more details, What do you think of this revision? Could you give more suggestion to improve it?

Edited April 7, 2014 by Microbot

[fuzzylogician]

Much improved! I have made some in-line edits below, but they are all rather small. Your last line is rather grandiose and at the same time vague and naive. I don't have many suggestions for it, and I don't even know if you should remove it. If there is anything more specific that you could say about what you hope to do with your education in the future, that could help. Alternatively, one place you could elaborate a bit is about your past activities. For example, when you write about your undergraduate final project, what were the results? Is there anything interesting that came out of it? What were your actual responsibilities during your internship? What did your experience in the lab include? You basically give a very vague list of things you've done, but you don't give any details about any of them. If you could choose one and elaborate a bit more, so the readers get a sense for how you describe a problem and its solution, that might help.

 

 

To solve the world's most pressing problems, we must be able to think about them from multiple perspectives. This idea became clear to me in 2010, when I first learned about synthetic biology through articles about J. Craig Venter, who together with and his team successfully created the first synthetic genomes that worked in a living organism. In this intriguing breakthrough I saw the opportunity for gene mixing between species using the minimal genome as a chassis, raising prospect of building a "super-cell" with a pre-designed genome capable to perform any programmed task, from producing useful chemicals to detecting toxic substances in the environment. I found its interdisciplinary approach of molecular biology and engineering so exciting. Other accomplishment like synthesis of malaria drug artemisinin in yeast convinced me that this field has tremendous potential for research and applications. Since that moment, I decided my career goals are to be a lecturer and researcher in synthetic biology.

 

My interest lies in particular in the interface between the Life Sciences and sustainable development. For this reason, Therefore, I decided to study oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses for my undergraduate final project at [XXX]. This allowed for a deeper understanding of fungal physiology while applying the results to increase mushroom production. I also became familiar with a different field of research during my internship at [XXX], studying growth of vero cell lines for polio vaccine production. I gained new lab skills in animal cell culture and also my first experience working in industrial environment. I further solidified my interest in synthetic biology by joining [XXX] iGEM team in 2013, designing and constructing [XXX] biosensor in E. coli to quickly detect poisoning in grains and legumes. Limited time and resources while coping with the rigor of the competition taught me that to achieve a common goal, persistence and strong multidisciplinary teamwork is a must.

 

My extracurricular activities as a group leader in a biogas reactor installation and as a volunteer in a vermicompost application on farming villages near [XXX] allowed me to apply my knowledge to actual community problems. I acquired valuable skills in project development, resource management, and working with people from diverse backgrounds, from agriculture to mechanical engineering. In addition, my work as an instructor at [XXX] nurtured my passion in teaching. These activities improved my time management skills which in turn helped me to overcome my bad grades at the end of my sophomore year.

 

Since a solid understanding of engineering principles is required for synthetic biology, I believe that studying in a taking Masters program that can connect  bridge my Life Sciences background with Engineering will be is a logical step before advancing to do a PhD. For this reason, I am applying want to continue my study at to the [XXX] Master of Biotechnology Program. The comprehensive curriculum offered by the program will give me a well-rounded preparation for a doctoral program and I believe that while [XXX] University's good high reputation will give me a lead assist me in starting my career. The strong interdisciplinary faculty will bring me the expertise I need in pursuing synthetic biology. The study of metabolic engineering in Dr. [XXX] lab and cell-free synthetic biology in Dr. [XXX] lab are of particular interest to me. I believe their approaches could be expanded to design better cell factories for biofuel production and help tackle global energy problems. I plan to take obtain the certificate in [XXX], so I can to apply what I've learned in the class and labs in disadvantaged areas of the world. I also plan to take industrial internships, particularly in renewable fuels-related companies. The experience I hope to gained will allow me to build a strong relationship with industry that in turn will enhance my future career.

 

I truly hope that [XXX] University will give me the chance to join [XXX]. The program will be my stepping stone to make great impacts in people's lives while still being true to my passion and interests.

[Microbot]

Dear Fuzzylogician.

 

Thank you for your feedback and your edit. I do feel better now to submit the letter.

As for vague description, yeah, I acknowledge it as my other weakness in writing. I tend to describe things without giving clear details.

However, your feedback made it clear for me what to do next.

 

For the conclusion, could you give me one epic yet effective example? Maybe from other fields or career goals?

Should I restate my goals to be lecturer and researcher in the end?

[fuzzylogician]

You're welcome! For the final sentence, you say:

 

I truly hope that [XXX] University will give me the chance to join [XXX]. The program will be my stepping stone to make great impacts in people's lives while still being true to my passion and interests.

 

How will you make an impact in people's lives? What will you do with your degree that will cause that? Also, I'm also not sure I understand what the second half of your sentence means: while being true to your passion and interests -- is there any danger that you won't be true to your interests? I'm confused about this point. Maybe it's just an awkward English phrasing.

 

Here is what I am missing: you already said that the Masters program will give me the needed background to combine your undergrad experience with engineering, so you could then apply to a PhD program. Do you have some (vague) idea of what you'll do in a PhD program? Here it's ok to be vague, because we are talking about future plans that no one can guarantee will come true as you plan them (because, you know, nothing ever does). But you could say that in the PhD program you hope to study X, and with that knowledge you hope to go back to your country and get involved in doing Y, which will improve people's lives because of Z. (or whatever it is you are actually hoping to do -- this was a guess.) So, give some description of what the program will help you achieve, in the long run. Even just saying what you hope to do for a PhD (in broad strokes) will help more than just saying "your school's reputation will help me get into a good PhD program." That by itself is not really a good reason to admit anyone. 

[Microbot]

Dear Fuzzylogician

 

I see your points. For PhD, I will continue studying synthetic biology. My reason for taking masters is because most research groups in synthetic biology are placed within chem eng or bioeng department.

I never took any advanced math or engineering courses during my undergrad so I think taking masters will fulfil my need and prepare me for PhD in this field.

However, my head is almost explode due for tinkering with the letters since the morning. LoL

The deadline has been passed, so here's my final and submitted version.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

To solve the world's most pressing problems, we must be able to think about them from multiple perspectives. This idea became clear to me in 2010, when I first learned about synthetic biology through articles about J. Craig Venter, who together with his team successfully created the first synthetic genomes that worked in a living organism. In this intriguing breakthrough I saw the opportunity for gene mixing between species using the minimal genome as a chassis, raising prospect of building a "super-cell" with a pre-designed genome capable to perform any programmed task, from producing useful chemicals to detecting toxic substances in the environment. I found its interdisciplinary approach of molecular biology and engineering so exciting. Other accomplishment like synthesis of malaria drug artemisinin in yeast convinced me that this field has tremendous potential for research and applications. Since that moment, I decided my career goals are to be a lecturer and researcher in synthetic biology.

 

My interest lies in particular in the interface between the Life Sciences and sustainable development. For this reason, I decided to study oyster mushroom growth under five different magnetic field doses for my undergraduate final project at [XXX]. My data suggested that magnetic field of 0.8 mT increases fruiting body production by 17%, whereas 1.6 mT and 2.0 mT delay the mushroom harvest by 18 days. These results allowed for a deeper understanding of fungal physiology and could be applied to increase mushroom production. I also became familiar with a different field of research during my internship at [XXX], studying effects of manual and slow-freezing on growth of vero cell lines for polio vaccine production. I was responsible in regular passaging of the cell lines and estimating the confluency. I gained new lab skills in animal cell culture and also my first experience working in industrial environment. I further solidified my interest in synthetic biology by joining [XXX] iGEM team in 2013, designing and constructing [XXX] biosensor in E. coli to quickly detect poisoning in grains and legumes. Limited time and resources while coping with the rigor of the competition taught me that to achieve a common goal, persistence and strong multidisciplinary teamwork is a must.

 

My extracurricular activities as a group leader in a biogas reactor installation and as a volunteer in a vermicompost application on farming villages near [XXX] allowed me to apply my knowledge to actual community problems. I acquired valuable skills in project development, resource management, and working with people from diverse backgrounds, from agriculture to mechanical engineering. In addition, my work as an instructor at [XXX] nurtured my passion in teaching. These activities improved my time management skills which in turn helped me to overcome my bad grades at the end of my sophomore year.

 

Since a solid understanding of engineering principles is required for synthetic biology, I believe that studying in a Masters program that can connect my Life Sciences background with Engineering is a logical step before advancing to do a PhD. For this reason, I am applying to the [XXX] University Master of Biotechnology Program. The comprehensive curriculum offered by the program will give me a well-rounded preparation for a doctoral program and I believe that [XXX] University’s good reputation will assist me in starting my career. The strong interdisciplinary faculty will bring me the expertise I need in pursuing synthetic biology. The study of metabolic engineering in Dr. [XXX] lab and cell-free synthetic biology in Dr. [XXX] lab are of particular interest to me. I believe their approaches could be expanded to design better cell factories or pathways for biofuel production and help tackle global energy problems. I plan to obtain the certificate in [XXX] so I can apply what I've learned in the class and labs in disadvantaged areas of the world. I also plan to take industrial internships, particularly in renewable fuels-related companies. Within ten years, I plan to start my career to develop a bio-based economy in Indonesia through synthetic biology research and train new generation of synthetic biologists. The experience I hope to gain in Master of Biotechnology Program will allow me to build a strong relationship with industry that in turn will enhance my future career.

 

I truly hope that [XXX] University will give me the chance to join the Master of Biotechnology Program. The program will help me to make great impacts in people's lives while still being true to my passion and interests.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

That's all I got. I still have two or three schools to go for May deadline. You are welcome if you still have any suggestions since my next letters might be based on this one.

Truthfully, this one is my top choice. So if I do get admitted, I will stop sending applications. All I can do for now is hope and pray.

 

There will be an interview session for all the applicants though. So you might want to tell me what points of the letter I should expand during my interview.

Edited April 8, 2014 by Microbot