How often do you visit home?

[VioletAyame]

I'm spending my last glorious summer home and the three months seem to just fly by. I can't believe I'm going back to the States in about 2 weeks. Now I've spent 6 years there (getting my BA and working for a while) so it's not like I don't enjoy living in the US, but somehow I'm still getting saddened at the prospect of having to leave home yet again. I've been back 3 times in the last 6 years (the last time was 3 years ago, my home is kind of far away) and it has always been hard for me to leave. This time I'll also have to move across the country after I get back to the States, leaving another home, plus the scariness and excitement of starting the program in a new city, a new state - all in all I'm feeling a very weird crazy emotional mixture right now.

 

So the poll is actually me trying to ascertain if I should visit home more often, thus making it less emotional for me to leave. Mind you I'm totally fine when I'm alone in the US, only the transition back and forth gives me trouble, and considering there's virtually no opportunity for research work in my home country, I'll probably have to just visit for a long while. My home is across the Pacific, so my visits have always been sporadic but long (2-3 months every 2-3 years). Now I'm thinking annual but shorter visit might lessen the pain, but another poster who has the same problem argued that it doesn't help and there's no reason why we should put ourselves in misery more often.

 

So is there a point when it stops being hard to leave home and if yes, how did you guys get there? Is it realistic to expect that I'll be able to arrange my work so I can get 3+ weeks off every summer? How often do you visit home and how do you make it work for you? I have to add that I know Skype does help a lot and my family is super close-knit even by Asian standard (which might explain my chronic homesickness )

[TakeruK]

Home is closer for me than yours but about 1 week per year seem to work well for me. In my first year, my SO and I were flying home a lot to plan our wedding so we made 3 trips home lasting a total of 4 weeks. Then we didn't go home again for another year (we left my MSc school, went home for a week and then moved to PhD school). Then I visited home for about a week the following summer. Now, it's been just over a year since I visited home and I probably won't be able to go back again until later this fall or next spring.

 

It's a little ironic that at MSc school, going home was a 16 hour trip (long bus ride, long airport wait due to bus/plane schedules, long plane ride) and now it's just a 4 hour trip but I have only went home once at PhD school! 

 

However, it's pretty tough to get home given that 1) my spouse has very limited vacation days and we prefer to use it to see new places in the world rather than going home and 2) we have limited money to travel and we prefer to use it to see new places rather than going home. Also, almost all of our friends have left our hometown (grad school or other careers) so although we still miss it and we enjoy visiting, we no longer feel a purpose to go home. Seeing our families is great though and really is the only reason to go home. Fortunately, our parents are older and retired now so they visit us sometimes too (we last went home a year ago but we just saw our families a few months ago).

 

In the future, we are planning to meet our parents in some new interesting place we always wanted to visit -- that way, we get to both see family and travel to a new place all on the same budget and vacation days! Similarly, our friends are no longer in our hometown so we also tend to visit them while we're traveling. For my friends in my field, I see them at our national society's annual meeting. I am going to a conference in the UK next month (and my spouse is joining me afterwards for a vacation) and we're going to see some friends who either happen to be traveling to the UK too and others who now live over there.

 

So, in a way, after 4 years in grad school, I do feel less of a pull to go home. But like people said in the other thread, I think it's more peoplesick than homesick, and after 4 years, most of the people I miss are either dispersed around the world and/or have more time/money to be the ones visiting us instead of the other way around! However, now that it's been over a year, I really really do want to get home again sometime soon--there's just no time!

[Munashi]

I generally go home for about a week in the summer and another 1-2 weeks for the Christmas/New Year holidays.  I might visit more often if I lived closer, but my family lives about 1200 miles away or so (not as far as you, VioletAyame - but far enough that some airfare is required).  I have found my relationship with my immediate family works better at a distance.  If I spent more than a week or 10 days at home, I might implode.  But so far, about 2x/year has worked for us.

[TakeruK]

I generally go home for about a week in the summer and another 1-2 weeks for the Christmas/New Year holidays.  I might visit more often if I lived closer, but my family lives about 1200 miles away or so (not as far as you, VioletAyame - but far enough that some airfare is required).  I have found my relationship with my immediate family works better at a distance.  If I spent more than a week or 10 days at home, I might implode.  But so far, about 2x/year has worked for us.

 

I have to say this (the part I bolded) is true for me too, especially when I have to live in the same house as my family for more than 1 week. It's just really weird to go from independence to staying in my childhood bedroom again etc. It's not quite true for me that our relationship works better at a distance though, I definitely would like to eventually live in the same city as my family again, and I would love to spend some time with my parents once a week or something, but living in the same home again is definitely trying. In the far future, perhaps having them live in my home instead of the other way around might work out though.

[fuzzylogician]

This has changed for me over the years. This coming year will be my 7th year abroad. I've been able to visit home every summer until this year, when the crunch of finishing my dissertation and starting a new job won't leave me any time for travel. Other summers, I've always been able to take time off. Since home is about 5000 miles away and expensive to get to, a home visit is always 2-3 weeks long. I love my family and enjoy being home, but it's strange to live in my old room again. I also never get any work done while I'm home, so it's a balance between visiting old friends and family, especially the older generation that can't come visit me, and keeping my normal life on track. My close family have been very generous and have come to visit me instead, when I can't go home. Sometimes they come to the city I live in, and other times my SO and I will travel with them to some place we've all never been to. I know travel is hard on them so this is something I really appreciate. 

 

So is there a point when it stops being hard to leave home and if yes, how did you guys get there? Is it realistic to expect that I'll be able to arrange my work so I can get 3+ weeks off every summer? How often do you visit home and how do you make it work for you? I have to add that I know Skype does help a lot and my family is super close-knit even by Asian standard (which might explain my chronic homesickness )

To answer your other question, at this point 'home' for me is the people and the scenery, but it's a place I haven't lived in for a long time now so 'home sick' means 'people sick' more than anything, and skype is great for that. I've also found that having a picture of scenery from home as my desktop picture really helps. I get to 'see' home many times a day this way. I occasionally browse old pictures of family, pets, and trips, when I feel lonely. All of this is a form of cheating, but it works for me.

[RunnerGrad]

I spent four years in Europe and didn't return home to Canada once.  Now, I was living with my husband, so my closest family was with me, but "home" (Canada) wasn't drawing me back.  Now, if something had happened to someone close to me (i.e. serious illness) then I would have returned home, but that fortunately didn't happen.

 

My husband and I wanted to spend our time and travel money visiting places we had never seen before.  We ended up visiting pretty much all of Western Europe, a number of Eastern European countries, and visited Egypt twice (fortunately before all the chaos started in that country).

[victorydance]

Usually once a year, for a week or maybe two for the last 5 years. Sometimes I go a couple of times if I need to see a specialist or need to do something bureaucratic in person. But usually only once a year at Christmas time. 

[spunky]

once a year is about right for me.... i gotta agree with the above comment of becoming prone to implosion if left with the family for too long. 

 

my mom and i luv each other  but we also hurt each other a lot, so placing some distance (a couple of countries) between her and i have worked wonders for our relationship. 

[VioletAyame]

Thanks everyone for replying. It's really great to hear your perspectives!

 

I have to say this (the part I bolded) is true for me too, especially when I have to live in the same house as my family for more than 1 week. It's just really weird to go from independence to staying in my childhood bedroom again etc. It's not quite true for me that our relationship works better at a distance though, I definitely would like to eventually live in the same city as my family again, and I would love to spend some time with my parents once a week or something, but living in the same home again is definitely trying. In the far future, perhaps having them live in my home instead of the other way around might work out though.

I admit it's really weird the first week I'm home too, like everything is almost the same except me. But the longer I stay, the more I reverted back to that mindset and culture, or as I like to joke, I start to lose my "Americaness," making it harder to re-adapt when I get back to the States. That's why I suspect regular but shorter visit might do me some good, as I'll get used to visiting and leaving as well as stop feeling as if my life was separated into two parts just by being here and there. And I agree wholeheartedly with the bolded part, just unsure about how to make the "living in the same city" part happens

 

This has changed for me over the years. This coming year will be my 7th year abroad. I've been able to visit home every summer until this year, when the crunch of finishing my dissertation and starting a new job won't leave me any time for travel. Other summers, I've always been able to take time off. Since home is about 5000 miles away and expensive to get to, a home visit is always 2-3 weeks long. I love my family and enjoy being home, but it's strange to live in my old room again. I also never get any work done while I'm home, so it's a balance between visiting old friends and family, especially the older generation that can't come visit me, and keeping my normal life on track. My close family have been very generous and have come to visit me instead, when I can't go home. Sometimes they come to the city I live in, and other times my SO and I will travel with them to some place we've all never been to. I know travel is hard on them so this is something I really appreciate. 

 

To answer your other question, at this point 'home' for me is the people and the scenery, but it's a place I haven't lived in for a long time now so 'home sick' means 'people sick' more than anything, and skype is great for that. I've also found that having a picture of scenery from home as my desktop picture really helps. I get to 'see' home many times a day this way. I occasionally browse old pictures of family, pets, and trips, when I feel lonely. All of this is a form of cheating, but it works for me.

I'm so glad to hear that it's doable. Mine is a little bit more than 8000 miles away with no direct flight, so anything under 3 weeks doesn't seem so desirable. Having people visit me seems like a good idea - the trip may be too exhausting for them, so maybe only once in a while. And you're right, it's mostly people-sick, with a healthy dose of food-sick too. Our food and fruits are amazing!