MPP/MPA SoP rough draft. Please review?

[MJA87]

I finally got a rough draft of my Statement of Purpose finished (only because a professor who is recommending me asked for it to help his letter) and was wondering if you fine people would read it and tell me what you think. Since this is a very general statement, I plan on using this as a base and tailoring it to each program I'll be applying to. What do you think of what I have so far, and what changes would you recommend? Thanks in advance for your time:

 

I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Political Science in May 2010, and though the job market I graduated into was competitive to say the least, I worked hard and was lucky enough to get a job with the <State> House of Representatives as a legislative aide within a month of graduating. I thoroughly enjoyed that position, which enabled me to build on my recent experience as an intern with a respected <City> consulting firm and exposed me to an incredible variety of interesting and challenging policy areas. Although I was grateful to experience those policy areas and gain perspective I might not otherwise have, I found myself wanting to specialize and immerse myself in one area of focus. While working back in <City> during legislative session, I was made aware of an opening in what was then the Governor’s Energy Office and was able to secure that position. Even from my first few days in the Energy Office, I knew I had found the policy area I was looking for.

   

Currently, I’ve been with the Office of Energy (renamed and moved to the <State> Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services by the state legislature shortly after I joined) for three and a half years and have been promoted to increasingly responsible positions twice in that time. Beginning with the 2011 iteration, I’ve assisted our office in hosting the annual <State> Energy Summit. During our 2013 event, keynote speaker Dr. Michael Levi (senior fellow for energy and the environment at the Council on Foreign Relations) pointed out that the next day would be the 40th anniversary of the OPEC oil embargo. He categorized it as the event that defined the modern energy era. With the shale gas revolution providing abundant cheap, domestically produced energy, and both renewables and alternative fuel vehicles gaining mainstream momentum, I believe the paradigm is shifting again. During this important time of transition, it is my goal to influence national energy policy towards the stable domestic production of clean energy, and I believe a Masters of Public Policy (MPP) degree will help me accomplish this goal.

In my current role as a policy analyst specializing in bioenergy and transportation energy, I’m required to generate policy reports such as white papers and analysis documents, as well as contribute to our office’s policy recommendations. In addition to policy analysis, many of my day-to-day duties revolve around my administration of the Natural Gas Fuel Fleet Vehicle Rebate program, a six million dollar per year program that I was chosen to write the administrative rules for and oversee. I’m also currently part of a team writing a $500,000 U.S. Department of Energy grant that will help fund an exciting electric vehicle demonstration project in Orlando. Many of the programs I’ve been involved in serve to promote the use of cleaner, domestically produced energy over traditional petroleum sources.

Through my professional experience, I have acquired policy analysis tools that have allowed me to be effective in the energy policy arena of one of the nation’s largest and most diverse states. I believe an MPP would enable me to hone and supplement my existing analytical abilities, as well as equip me with the research methods and management skills required to have an effect in a national capacity. With the education and competencies I would gain with an MPP, I would seek to influence national policy through employment with the United States Department of Energy or through an energy focused NGO, such as Securing America’s Future Energy.

[StudyStar]

Sent you a PM!

[MJA87]

Sent you a PM!

 

Thanks David!

 

Anyone else want to take a crack?

[lzs]

A lot of this seems like a retelling of your resume in full sentences (though of course I don't know for sure, not having read your resume). I'd want to hear more about what you learned in your experiences, how they shaped your interests and goals, etc.

[MJA87]

A lot of this seems like a retelling of your resume in full sentences (though of course I don't know for sure, not having read your resume). I'd want to hear more about what you learned in your experiences, how they shaped your interests and goals, etc.

 

Yeah, that's in part what David said. My experience is absolutely the strong point of my application so I wanted to highlight that in my SoP, but it's difficult to do that without retelling my resume like you said. I'll paste what I'm working with now after receiving David's input, but I think I'm still running into the problem you mention:

 

Despite the poor state of the job market following my graduation in 2010, I remained steadfast in my desire to secure a position that would challenge me and allow me to contribute through public service. Within one month, I was hired as a legislative aide in the <state> House of Representatives, which enabled me to build on previous experience as an intern with a Tallahassee consulting firm and exposed me to an incredible variety of engaging and challenging policy areas. Although the experience allowed me to gain perspective I might otherwise not have, I found myself wanting to immerse myself in a single area of focus. Shortly thereafter, I applied for and was accepted to a position with the Governor’s Energy Office. Even from my first few days in the Energy Office, I knew I had found the policy area I was looking for.

   

Currently, I’ve been with the Office of Energy (renamed and moved to the <state> Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services by the state legislature shortly after I joined) for three and a half years and have been promoted to increasingly responsible positions twice in that time. Beginning with the 2011 iteration, I’ve assisted our office in hosting the annual <state> Energy Summit. During our 2013 event, keynote speaker Dr. Michael Levi (senior fellow for energy and the environment at the Council on Foreign Relations) pointed out that the next day would be the 40th anniversary of the OPEC oil embargo. He categorized it as the event that defined the modern energy era. With the shale gas revolution providing abundant cheap, domestically produced energy, and both renewables and alternative fuel vehicles gaining mainstream momentum, I believe the paradigm is shifting again. During this important time of transition, it is my goal to influence national energy policy towards the stable domestic production of clean energy, and I believe a Masters of Public Policy (MPP) degree will help me accomplish this goal.

In my current role as a policy analyst specializing in bioenergy and transportation energy, I’m required to generate policy documents such as white papers and analysis reports. I also contribute to our office’s policy recommendations, for example I’ve recently submitted bill language that would update <state>’s statutory definitions of “renewable energy” and “biomass” to be consistent with current technologies, as well as language that would create an alternative fuel advisory board comprised of key stakeholders from industry.  In addition to policy analysis, many of my day-to-day duties revolve around my administration of the Natural Gas Fuel Fleet Vehicle Rebate program, a six million dollar per year program that I was chosen to write the administrative rules for and oversee. I’m also currently part of a team writing a $500,000 U.S. Department of Energy grant that will help fund an exciting electric vehicle demonstration project in Orlando. I’m proud that most of the programs I’ve been involved in have served to promote the use of cleaner, domestically produced energy at the state level. It is incredibly rewarding work and I hope I am able to realize similar results at a national level.

Through my professional experience, I have acquired policy analysis tools that have allowed me to be effective in the energy policy arena of one of the nation’s largest and most diverse states. I believe an MPP would enable me to hone and supplement my existing analytical abilities, as well as equip me with the research methods and management skills required to have an effect in a national capacity. With the education and competencies I would gain with an MPP, I would seek to influence national energy policy through employment with the United States Department of Energy or through an energy focused NGO, such as Securing America’s Future Energy.

[ShadowFairy]

^ That is your revised draft I assume?

 

Maybe this is just an idiosyncrasy of mine, but I feel like there are too many I's in your SOP that detail your experiences and what you make of them. Not that it's bad, but it would help make your SOP less like a narrative of your CV/resume. Focus more on some of the important work that you've done and highlight the details; for example, that Department of Energy grant you helped write seems promising in your capacity to take on the MPP.

 

You should also talk about the MPP program you're applying for, why you chose it, and what makes it stand out from the rest. You can generalize the details, but it's not something in which the name of the program should just be copied and pasted. Mentioning the strengths of the program would show that you've done the background research and that you're genuinely interested in it (and not only as part of a list you made for admissions as we all so often do; make every program you apply to feel like it's 'special').

 

Off-topic, but I strongly support your course of action for your career. For one, my research aspiration is to develop sustainable energies, improve current energy systems, and analyze the atmospheric and environmental effects tied to energy production. In short, your policy implementations will fund my career (or I so hope lol).

[grad_wannabe]

"Despite the poor state of the job market following my graduation in 2010, I remained steadfast in my desire to secure a position that would challenge me and allow me to contribute through public service. Within one month, I was hired as a legislative aide in the <state> House of Representatives, which enabled me to build on previous experience as an intern with a Tallahassee consulting firm and exposed me to an incredible variety of engaging and challenging policy areas. Although the experience allowed me to gain perspective I might otherwise not have, I found myself wanting to immerse myself in a single area of focus. Shortly thereafter, I applied for and was accepted to a position with the Governor’s Energy Office. Even from my first few days in the Energy Office, I knew I had found the policy area I was looking for."

 

I agree with RidetheLightning - this is just too step-by-step. They don't want to read a picture book retelling of your CV. SHOW, don't TELL.

 

Dump us right into the middle of the action, right into the middle of the decisive moment. 

 

"I found myself wanting to immerse myself in a single area of focus. Shortly thereafter..."

 

Wait, what? What happened there? That sounds like it could have been interesting - how did this "want" come about? What sorts of projects were you working on that led you to that desire? With what aspect of those projects were you most engaged?

[MJA87]

"Despite the poor state of the job market following my graduation in 2010, I remained steadfast in my desire to secure a position that would challenge me and allow me to contribute through public service. Within one month, I was hired as a legislative aide in the <state> House of Representatives, which enabled me to build on previous experience as an intern with a Tallahassee consulting firm and exposed me to an incredible variety of engaging and challenging policy areas. Although the experience allowed me to gain perspective I might otherwise not have, I found myself wanting to immerse myself in a single area of focus. Shortly thereafter, I applied for and was accepted to a position with the Governor’s Energy Office. Even from my first few days in the Energy Office, I knew I had found the policy area I was looking for."

 

I agree with RidetheLightning - this is just too step-by-step. They don't want to read a picture book retelling of your CV. SHOW, don't TELL.

 

Dump us right into the middle of the action, right into the middle of the decisive moment. 

 

"I found myself wanting to immerse myself in a single area of focus. Shortly thereafter..."

 

Wait, what? What happened there? That sounds like it could have been interesting - how did this "want" come about? What sorts of projects were you working on that led you to that desire? With what aspect of those projects were you most engaged?

 

Thanks for the help. Your suggestion is interesting, are you saying I just structure the statement differently and start it in a different place, but keep the information in it? I guess I wouldn't know how to continue from the starting line you suggest.

 

Thanks again!