Your funny or bitter stories with the naysayers

[Guest Diane]

I wanted to start a thread where we can tell our stories of the people that didn't think we could make it into graduate school, or the ones that were shocked when we finally did. Did something like that happen to you? Was there a techer that said you couldn't make it for whatever reason? Was there a bitter student in your class that couldn't swallow the fact that you got into graduate school and s/he didn't? How are you moving on or ignoring them? Did you succeed to graduate school in spite of the difficulties? Would you like to share your stories?

[Debating]

I come from a small state college that no one has heard of and it's good for nothing except wrestling and phys ed, and will be going to a big research university in the fall. When I mentioned last year I'd be applying to grad school this one guy in one my classes said: "You'll never get into a good school with a degree from here. Besides, you're a girl!". I haven't talked to him since.

Even some professors in my department are not very supportive and one of them is actually jealous and tried to put my grad school down because he went to a much worse one.

What the heck, shouldn't these people be happy for me and be proud that one of their students is doing well??

So, I try to ignore them. Soon I will be going to a FAR better school and they're stuck here so I understand they're bitter...

[Guest Jeni]

My pre-application stories varied from students saying I'd never get into top programs because students that go there are very smart, to professors saying I'd get in because I am a visible female minority in science, to secretaries saying I am far too young for graduate school. Thankfully, most people had common sense and acknowledged I'd have with good chances with the top GPA, research experience and encouraged me on the way.

Post-admittance stories varied from few professors or students being sceptical (Oh you actually did get admitted to all those programs?!) to students fabricating stories that I got there because of some professor (who didn't write me a reference or had anything to do with me), to bitter students sending belittling comments my way to prove themselves they are better intellectuals. The most absurd one was with the student who didn't get into any grad school that told others I was not invited to his semester-break party. Sheesh! I guess no more tip-toeing around his being-rejected feelings after this, if anything I'll start to rub it in . (How about a big party to celebrate my acceptances!)

I understand where some are coming from and that they are bitter, but that does not justify some of the juvenile things they say or do. But, I am leaving these people behind, for good. I'll have lots to laugh at when I'll think back of this time.

[PETRAL6]

wow! That's harsh. I got a couple people saying grad school acceptance is trciky, so don't be upset if you have to apply one than once. I also had a professor stop and ask me how well I did on my GRE because her students had not done that well in the past and they didn't get in. She then said... oh, ok, good. But mostly people were more optimistic for me, saying I'd probably have my choice of schools. I didn't, but I have one great school with great money, and that's all I need

[Guest L again]

I did have one very bitter junior college teacher when I first started college (at a junior college!), and she told me that I "might" make it in college. Some people suggested that I forward her my acceptances to top grad programs, but I don't think it's worth my time. I know that she was wrong, so who cares what she thinks.

Hopefully she has improved her teaching skills since then.

[History_Nerd]

Fact: I pulled a C- average in high school and was told, "I wasn't college material". Mwah! How sweet it is!!!

[Guest DeeJ]

I've had a few naysayers - mostly spouses of family who are clear in their opinion that my choice of schools and area of study are below their standards.

My favorite back slap of a complement - "Congratulations. It sure is not something I would do, but its what you want." I just recently had the most obtuse back and forth email session with a close family member whom I gather feels that my getting accepted brings up bad memories of school and therefore, does not feel they can really express any heart-felt congratuations or support.

Or the comments from people who never learned that if you don't have something nice to say...."Why would anyone want to do a PhD?", "What are you going to do with that?"

[Guest Ida]

My funny story is with my family, who don't understand much the academic world. They were hoping I would get a good job and make some money after the degree. "What? More school? But you already got a university degree. Why do you need another one?" I told them the PhD program is not just school, but a paid job or apprenticeship. It made them a bit happier.

My naysayers were the nerdy male students in my class, who didn't think I need to be included in the academic discussions and gave me dirty looks whenever they'd see me sitting in the advanced math and computing classes. I feel so smug now that I got into a good graduate program, and none of them did.

[Guest european]

So, the story goes... I am student from Europe. I am studying at two departments (it is like grad programs in USA, we actually choose certain department for undergrad, I am doing something like two majors, but have more classes). I needed three recommendation letters. One I got from visiting professor from american university, so I wanted one letter from every department. For everybody my choice of professors to write me letters was obvious. With one everything went great. But the other... I thought I would gone mad. He was during that semester in USA, so I emailed him in October asking whether he would write me a letter. He knows me very well. I’ve taken 5 courses with him. He was always very enthusiastic about my papers and exam results, so I thought it will be easy. He responded quickly that it is no problem but he needs my resume. I email back with CV and list of the schools I wanted to apply. He than wrote me email saying that with this CV I have no chances even in less competitive PhD programs let alone those programs I’ve chosen which are all very good. He advised me to wait a year and have some work published and gain other points. He told me about his students who were better than me and did not get into less competitive programs from those I was willing to apply. He was still waiting for my SOP so I wrote it and emailed to him (at that time I was taking GRE test, could not focus on learning and was really afraid I am gonna break down). He said that, if I was still willing to apply that year he was going to write the LORs but he was reluctant and not very convinced that I knew what I was doing. He sad that I was not acting rationally (that was for me even more painful than this comment that I have no chances) and he had to scale down LORs to the rest of my application because otherwise his recommendation would devaluate at american universities (in more simple words: writing good recommendation letters for someone like me would cause that in future his LORs would not be taken so seriously) just great.

And ... I am starting my PhD program in September with nice scholarship at top tier program in my discipline. All professors that phoned or emailed me from this University were more than enthusiastic about me entering their program.

[Guest forgotmyloginid]

So, the story goes... I am starting my PhD program in September with nice scholarship at top tier program in my discipline. All professors that phoned or emailed me from this University were more than enthusiastic about me entering their program.

That is a great story. Have you had the satisfaction of telling this guy you got in?

[Guest european]

Of course I had. My friend's satisfaction was even bigger. And I'm still attending a course with him. About the programs I was admitted he said: very good programs. The thing is I have still respect for him. He is always sincere, truthful. Apart of this strory, I really can't say anything against him. But always when I see him there is this little pain down in my stomach.

[Bianca]

yeah, it's a bitter feeling when professors you know so well and you know they know you and know how good you are act that way.... I had full support from all of my fellow students (since I was the only one from my department to apply to PhD programs in the US ever), but the professors were terrible.

I had a similar experience with my undergrad thesis supervisor. She always knew I was the best student she had in years and there was no doubt about it. when I asked her to sign my LORs for post-grad studies in the US she said, 'no problem'. yet, when she was signing my LORs (which I wrote myself of course, as it is usually the case in my country), she noticed I was applying for PhD studies with full funding and said with a clear manifestation of disbelief: "Oh you;re applying for full funding??!" That was so rude, as if saying 'no way, you're never gonna get that. get real!'. I didn't react.

some months later, when I got into Cornell and two other PhD programs I told about my success to another professor, the only one that was really supportive of me throught the application process. she the told my supervisor, and she reacted like: "No way, she really got into Cornell? Ok, maybe she was accepted, but she didn't get funded." when this other prof assured her I got full funding, she said: "Oh then she must;ve got the fellowship because of some kind of a special quota for students from developing countries".

how disrespectful is that? I was indeed the best student the departmetn of psychology has seen in years and all of the professors knew that. how could she react like that? she should be proud that one of her students achieved this, in many ways she also had great influence on it; instead she was trying to belittle my success, why? was she jealous that I made it further than she did (she did her MA at Columbia, but then went back to our small and insignificant country)?

well, in the end, they are the loosers, we won

[Guest Cridamour]

Well, I have a couple of people who were very negative... First of all, the second reader of my undergrad thesis, she actually wanted to fail me, so, in the end, they compromised and gave me 50%... It really wasn't that bad, but it got down my average and really wasn't the crown on four years of work in my field as it should've been. It left me feeling as if, when it came to studying and reproducing on exams, I was good, but for doing individual research, only reserved for true intellectuals, I didn't make the grade. This stupid undergrad thesis has been a frustration for me ever since and made me seriously doubt my intellectual capacities. Secondly, there was my uncle, when I started my undergrad, he said: "Translation? Why on earth would you want to go and study that?!!! In a couple of years everything will be done by computers and you'll become useless...". Thirdly, one of my collegues last year, when I unsuccessfully applied to some US PhD programs, couldn't stop talking about this girl he knew who was also applying and how bright she was and how, unlike me, she was only shooting for the top universities, but, then again, she was really intelligent. (all the way insinuating I was pursuing a totally unrealistic dream!) May I add that, never during my unsuccessful round last year, did I say or think anything nasty about people who had gotten in. I always shared their happiness. (honestly! and karma paid off!)

NOW, I reapplied this year, and... eat my dust stupid collegue, uncle, and undergrad professor... because I'm going to BROWN!!!!!

Luckily, there were many more supportive people than unsupportive ones, and all of my professors who actually had US PhDs in my field and knew what they were talking about encouraged me through 2 application rounds without giving me unrealistic hopes. Let's hope they'll also give me a job when I come back! :wink:

[Guest thesisschmesis]

This stupid undergrad thesis has been a frustration for me ever since and made me seriously doubt my intellectual capacities.

Cridamour, I just wanted to comiserate. My undergrad thesis is currently a big black cloud hanging over me. I regret ever having thought of it. I regret all the time I wasted on it.

I thought it went ok. The research wasn't groundbreaking but that wasn't my fault, and it's just an undergrad thesis, for god's sake. It was OPTIONAL. I am the only one in my dept to undertake one in years so I thought I'd at least get a pat on the head but no, my readers tore into it as if it were a master's or PhD work. It was well put together and well written but they wanted me to push the work in ways I didn't (and that I feel are beyond the scope of the project). I think the readers mean well and want to prepare me for major leagues of research - but ouch. This is not the way I wanted to end my undergrad experience, with a pit in my stomach.

[Mnemosyne9]

I have only one small story, but it was pretty annoying. My undergrad thesis committee was made up of two lovely people and one professor from the hottest depths of hell. The third member, not my director (A lovely woman who was quite annoyed at hell-prof's behavior) or even really a specialist in the topic of the thesis, chose to make grammatical and syntax corrections at my DEFENSE. No comments or criticisms of my ideas or arguments, just commas and indentations. Yeah. I teach writing as a tutor. For money. I get paid well and often for this work. So I think I can find syntax problems when I see them.

So right around the time I'm defending this thesis, I need to get my grad school apps in. (Early December.) So I get his corrections, all of which were basically meaningless, and decide that I can't wait for my apps until he approves all the goddamned commas. So I make copies of the apparently grammatically deficient (but argumentally sound) thesis and send those to grad programs.

Satan-professor finds out I sent the thesis to grad schools already and basically says I'll never get into grad school sending that. The thing was 85 pages, I wasn't expecting anyone to read it. I just wanted to show I could do a long project. It also has nothing to do with the field of grad study I'm entering. So I ignored his opinion. Now I am headed to an MA program in a department I love love LOVE, and was in fact accepted to more than one good program. Yay!

I also, as if to put icing on the cake, won an award for excellence in coursework in Satan's department a few weeks ago. I was nominated by one of his colleagues. I wish I could have read his mind when he saw my name on the list! It probably wouldn't have been appropriate for polite company.

[Guest Cridamour]

I thought it went ok. The research wasn't groundbreaking but that wasn't my fault, and it's just an undergrad thesis, for god's sake. It was OPTIONAL. I am the only one in my dept to undertake one in years so I thought I'd at least get a pat on the head but no, my readers tore into it as if it were a master's or PhD work. It was well put together and well written but they wanted me to push the work in ways I didn't (and that I feel are beyond the scope of the project). I think the readers mean well and want to prepare me for major leagues of research - but ouch. This is not the way I wanted to end my undergrad experience, with a pit in my stomach.

Sounds painful! Luckily this will all belong to the past soon!! :wink:

[Guest Cridamour]

Satan-professor finds out I sent the thesis to grad schools already and basically says I'll never get into grad school sending that. The thing was 85 pages, I wasn't expecting anyone to read it. I just wanted to show I could do a long project. It also has nothing to do with the field of grad study I'm entering. So I ignored his opinion. Now I am headed to an MA program in a department I love love LOVE, and was in fact accepted to more than one good program. Yay!

I also, as if to put icing on the cake, won an award for excellence in coursework in Satan's department a few weeks ago. I was nominated by one of his colleagues. I wish I could have read his mind when he saw my name on the list! It probably wouldn't have been appropriate for polite company.

Oh, he might be Satan, but you're on fire!!! :twisted: It's lovely to have these kinds of experiences where you don't even need to rub it in for them to find out how successful you are!!! Great going and good luck in grad school far far away from hell!

[was1984]

This is a fascinating topic. It's really interesting that almost all of you seem to be female also. I wonder what the deal is with people thinking (and beyond that, telling) females that they won't succeed in graduate school.

[ristastic]

This is a fascinating topic. It's really interesting that almost all of you seem to be female also. I wonder what the deal is with people thinking (and beyond that, telling) females that they won't succeed in graduate school.

My grandma is VERY concerned that getting my PhD is going to interfere with baby-making, in that it will prevent me from being a "normal" mother. She's very old-fashioned, and I come from a very small town in the midwest, but it's still considered fairly abnormal there for a woman to want to go on to an MA or PhD after college.

[Lauren the Librarian]

On 1/16/2010 at 4:06 PM, was1984 said:

This is a fascinating topic. It's really interesting that almost all of you seem to be female also. I wonder what the deal is with people thinking (and beyond that, telling) females that they won't succeed in graduate school.

Possibly because women don't tend to succeed in grad school when babies come into the picture. There are women who do it, but they are not the researchers they would be without kids; their lives tend to be frazzeled and their research is lesser-quality. The grad student mothers that are comparatively successful 1) are EXTREMELY bright, focused and dedicated; 2) have strong support systems, including a husband (or life-long committed partner-I know me some lesbians wid kidz) who has finished his education and has a full-time job; 3) have access to high quality day care -Nationally accredited- ON campus; and 4) have extended family resources in which a mother in law watches the kid all day on Saturday so mom can go to a local conference or to take the kids for the weekend so mom and dad can have some adult time to recharge their "batteries". Children absolutely suck the life out of you, your energy, your hope, your intelligence. Children also change a women's brain chemistry - some studies suggest even an adoptive mother's brain chemistry can change in the process of taking care of a highly dependent infant. Mothers either go to a lower tier program, take longer to finish, don't do the field research they'd like (inner city hierarchies instead of tribal rivalries in the African jungle, etc), or "postpone" for years while they wait for their kids to grow up and find themselves at 42 with a Masters teaching at a community college telling their students about who they almost were. Top female minds who don't take this into consideration will be hit with the stark reality when they realize they are no longer the top student they developed their identities around.

I agree it's annoying to have to listen to older family members say, "More school? When are you gonna start a family?" But that's what nosey but well meaning relatives have been doing for at least 200,000 years, I'd wager...

I know a great neuroscientist, Phd from UCLA, doing post-doc work at NYU, previous post-doc at WashU. She's funny, awesome, beautiful, and comes from a South Asian family. I don't know the particulars of her extended family or how often she has to listen to family ask her when she's getting married, but I do know that she doesn't have any children.

Women are smart and capable of brilliant research. Some interesting statistical research being done by a mathematician at the University of California suggests gender differences in motivations in top-tier researchers but not in ability. What it comes down to is in order for a parent to succeed while being a researcher, he or she will need to pawn off (or "share"-more PC sounding) child rearing activities on others. Men have been doing precisely this for centuries, partially because their biology allows them. The mother-infant bond is the strongest physical and social relationship for the human species and should not be ignored or pooh-pooh'ed away because of inertial exhuberance from feminist ideology. The onus is on women to think ahead and plan accordingly, because she will have to answer this biological and social question at some point in her life.

[2400]

After I submitted my applications last year, a professor I worked with would stop by my cubicle and regularly remind me of all the reasons why NOT to get a phd. He would also send me emails reiterating all the reasons why going back to school was a mistake. Mind you, we worked at an organization where everyone with a good job had a PhD -- it is just about a requirement to have one if you want to move up in the organization. For some reason, the guy was completely bitter and would tell me stories about his friends who had PhD's and were also bitter and unhappy they took the academic route. I remember one day he invited me and my boyfriend to go out to lunch with him and his PhD friend (who had divorced during the course of his degree). I declined the lunch invite.

I am now attending my top choice school and am happy with my decision. Seriously..i don't know why some people want to try their hardest to bring others down...

[fuzzylogician]

After I submitted my applications last year, a professor I worked with would stop by my cubicle and regularly remind me of all the reasons why NOT to get a phd. He would also send me emails reiterating all the reasons why going back to school was a mistake. Mind you, we worked at an organization where everyone with a good job had a PhD -- it is just about a requirement to have one if you want to move up in the organization. For some reason, the guy was completely bitter and would tell me stories about his friends who had PhD's and were also bitter and unhappy they took the academic route. I remember one day he invited me and my boyfriend to go out to lunch with him and his PhD friend (who had divorced during the course of his degree). I declined the lunch invite.

I am now attending my top choice school and am happy with my decision. Seriously..i don't know why some people want to try their hardest to bring others down...

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