LOR: death in the family

[hypervodka]

The mother of one of my recommenders has just died. That recommender has already completed all of his recommendations for me (because his mother was sick), but I am now thinking about adding more schools. I don't know how to broach this with him, or if I even should.

Edited November 4, 2014 by hypervodka

[zanmato4794]

1. Is it possible to recruit another writer for the added schools? I feel confident that--professors often being understanding people--many would forgive the late notice due to the circumstances.

 

2. Some people mourn rather quickly. Since most due dates are no earlier than December 1, do you think you could wait until, say, the fifteenth, to ask him to basically switch the name on a few of his LORs?

 

3. You could totally be semi-shady and fill out an online application that automatically sends requests to writers, and if he asks why one or two extra schools appear, you could play dumb or something: "Did I forget to send you the updated list?"

 

4. I don't know where you are in your education process (still in the last year of a program, one year graduated?), but if you're adding schools this late, maybe another year to prepare wouldn't hurt? As long as you're working at it, you can only become a better applicant.

 

Sorry for the bad luck. If it makes you feel better, one of my favorite professors--who got into Ohio State in spite of her bad luck--had one of her actual letter writers die during the application season.

[mikers86]

Generally once they've written "a" LOR they alter it slightly depending on where it's going, so additional schools shouldn't be much of an issue. I feel that you should ask him, as long as you give him ample time before the deadline is up, and especially if his area of work is related to your own. But also try to think of someone else you could ask in the event he is unable to write for you again. Definitely ask. It's a difficult time for him, but also an extremely important moment in your life and vital to your future.

[hypervodka]

That's true. He does already have a "base"; so I guess it would be okay to wait a couple of weeks before bringing it up to him. Neither of the schools I was planning on adding have deadlines before 12/15.

[peachypie]

I definitely agree that once a letter is written is can be easily changed for additional schools provided the layout for those school's is not drastically different than the previous ones.  I think considering the due dates are not until earliest 12/15 and there is a month and a half that it is ok to ask for additional letters.  I would send a quick email shortly though stating that you have found a few additional programs you would like to apply to and were wondering if this person would still be able to submit before 12/15 considering the recent family loss.  I think it would be nice to give this person an out if they are really struggling with the loss of a parent and also gives you the knowledge that they can say "yes, I can still do it" or I really don't think I am able to.  If they say no then I'd quickly contact additional writers.

 

My guess is that the person would be able to still submit for you before 12/15 but I think it is nice courtesy to give them that added option and understanding.  Hopefully you have a backup that you can use.  If so, I'd also explain the situation to them (Apologies this is coming a bit later but one of my writers recently had a family emergency and is unable to submit letters for additional schools, would you be willing to do so?) kind of thing. 

[TakeruK]

I think it might be okay if you wait awhile before bringing it up (I'm sure you will approach it in a sensitive way!). The risk is that he might still be hard to contact and then you will have even less lead time for a backup writer to submit their LOR. However, the risk might be worth it if this LOR will be a lot better than another one.

[surefire]

1. Is it possible to recruit another writer for the added schools? I feel confident that--professors often being understanding people--many would forgive the late notice due to the circumstances.

 

2. Some people mourn rather quickly. Since most due dates are no earlier than December 1, do you think you could wait until, say, the fifteenth, to ask him to basically switch the name on a few of his LORs?

 

3. You could totally be semi-shady and fill out an online application that automatically sends requests to writers, and if he asks why one or two extra schools appear, you could play dumb or something: "Did I forget to send you the updated list?"

 

My two cents: 1 = Yes, 2 = Maybe, 3 = Ugh, no!

 

My initial gut reaction is that you should find someone else. You recognize that this recommender made a concentrated effort to get the letters done with ample time in recognition of their mother's decline. I realize that adding schools late in the game isn't atypical, and that this is an unfortunate development, but it's not totally unanticipated on your part so now I think it's on you to figure it out. I'd make an effort to find someone else. As TakeruK says, even if you wait for a spell and then e-mail them (which would be the minimum decent thing, I think), they might be hard to reach.

 

That being said, if you are really wedded to keeping this recommender on for additional letters, I'd recommend some gentle recon on this to figure out what might be apt. If this is a prof, you could speak to the grad admin or their secretary or someone that works with them in an administrative work capacity to see what they think. I had a death in the immediate family the first year of my PhD right around exam season. The death was after a decline over a couple of weeks, so I took measures in anticipation of being gone for a spell. I marked everything rapidly and arranged some e-mail forwarding with an admin, knowing that there would be appeals and the like right after the exam (stressed undergrads with their own applications and the like), but I was going to go completely off-radar for two weeks. It's possible that this recommender left similar instructions and/or an admin might be able to comment upon what is typically done in such circumstances (life happens, people appreciate that). If you get an encouraging response, maybe reach out in two weeks (or whatever the admin is able to comment upon for a timeline). If you contact them, be sure to give them an "out".

 

I think it's great that you're posing this question. I know that apps are stressful and all-consuming, but good on you for stepping back to think about the bigger picture here. Your attention to decorum here, in addition to just being a general good sympathetic reaction, generally speaks well of you. I have been privy to cloying students who don't think twice or made insensitive requests around stuff like this and, while I appreciate the stress of grades and applications and just general scholastic pressures, that kind of stuff sticks in one's craw and it can be difficult to interact with them after that.

[hypervodka]

I think I'm going to go ahead and find a new recommender, though this previous recommender was actually my thesis advisor and a close friend. There is no possible timeline where asking would not be "too soon."

[mikers86]

I think I'm going to go ahead and find a new recommender, though this previous recommender was actually my thesis advisor and a close friend. There is no possible timeline where asking would not be "too soon."

 

It's an incredibly difficult position. On the one hand, I can't imagine anyone else being able to write as strongly for you than your thesis advisor. Who else knows your work and interests that well? But if you feel as if there is no way to ask, find someone else immediately and ask them to read your thesis if they aren't familiar with the project. 

[Dr. Old Bill]

Maybe this will sound callous and insensitive, but...I would have no problem asking. Give it a couple of weeks or so out of respect, but unless this professor is taking the rest of the semester off for bereavement purposes, he will almost certainly be able to reconcile his personal life with his professional life. While I don't strictly see LORs as "part of their job," per se, it is definitely in the same ballpark.

 

And like others have mentioned, they usually create a single LOR and tweak it as needed.

[ProfLorax]

Here's what I'd do. First, I'd contact another possible letter writer ASAP, a professor who may not be as familiar with my work but knows me as a person, and frankly explain the situation. My email and/or in-person conversation would be longer, but this would be the core of my ask: I had a letter writer lined up, but he has had a death in the family. If he can't write my remaining letters, could you write up a letter on my behalf for X number of schools? I will know within a week if my original letter writer is unable to commit.

 

Then, I'd contact my original letter writer. I'd express my sympathy, and because I had already gotten a commitment from someone else, I can let him off the hook without him feeling guilty. The pitch would sound/read something like this (after initially expressing sympathy for his loss): I would love to have you write a letter for me for these three schools I've added to my list, but I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I have lined up Professor Jane Doe to write a letter in your place if you decide to take time off from work. I already so appreciate what you've contributed to my application. You and your family are in my thoughts at this time. If the professor responds saying he won't be submitting any extra letters, I'd ask him to forward the letter he's already written to my new letter writer (if they are acquainted). That way, the new letter writer could potentially touch upon some of the themes of the original letter without knowing my work as thoroughly. 

 

With a back-up plan in place, the original letter can either affirm he'll write you the letter (and you'll know that he really does want to write you the letter at this time rather than feeling like he has to out of duty) or back out without feeling like he's ruining your chances. 

[hypervodka]

That's extremely helpful. Thank you.

[lifealive]

First of all: Do nothing until you've sent a personalized, hand-written and mailed condolence card, if you haven't already. Don't mention anything about your letters of recommendation. Do not simply send an email expressing condolences or combine your condolences with a request for an additional letter! That would come across as extremely rude.

 

After that, I think you could probably contact him after two weeks have gone by (as long as you're still a month out from the deadline), reiterating your sympathy and then politely asking for another letter of recommendation. I think approaching the situation in the way proflorax described is a good idea.

 

Alternatively,  if you know that this death has absolutely devastated your adviser, you might simply ask him to put a generalized letter in your university's credential file, stressing to him that you'd like to have the letter for the future. That way, you can send it to as many places as you like, and you don't have to worry about impinging upon more of his time. If he insists on writing a personalized letter of recommendation for every school, then great! He's the one who's volunteered to do that. But he's already written the letter, so it shouldn't be a problem to just put it in your dossier.

Edited November 5, 2014 by lifealive

[hypervodka]

An update, for anyone who finds themselves in the same situation: I tried to follow pretty closely what proflorax, lifealive, and surefire suggested. I messaged my primary my condolences, then emailed my back-up... who then called my primary and asked Prime if he could write my recommendations... and then my primary texted me to tell me he would write my recommendations.

 

For that reason, I would suggest (to anybody whose primaries and secondaries know each other) to email the primary about any new schools first, and just explain to him that you are planning on emailing a secondary in case he is unable.

 

I think this would different if our situation was a bit different. I think you should only ask someone this close to a tragedy if you already have sturdy relationship (if, when you asked for a recommendation, they said, "Yes! Of Course! I'm so excited!" rather than, "Sure. Could you send me a paper from your class? With comments? I don't really remember very well.").

[ProfLorax]

An update, for anyone who finds themselves in the same situation: I tried to follow pretty closely what proflorax, lifealive, and surefire suggested. I messaged my primary my condolences, then emailed my back-up... who then called my primary and asked Prime if he could write my recommendations... and then my primary texted me to tell me he would write my recommendations.

 

For that reason, I would suggest (to anybody whose primaries and secondaries know each other) to email the primary about any new schools first, and just explain to him that you are planning on emailing a secondary in case he is unable.

 

I think this would different if our situation was a bit different. I think you should only ask someone this close to a tragedy if you already have sturdy relationship (if, when you asked for a recommendation, they said, "Yes! Of Course! I'm so excited!" rather than, "Sure. Could you send me a paper from your class? With comments? I don't really remember very well.").

Oh I never considered the possibility that the secondary would contact the primary! Though maybe s/he did so to also express their condolences and then moved onto the conversation about letters. Either way, good call on contacting the primary first. And most importantly, I'm so happy that your crisis is resolved!