Can someone please read over the introduction of my SOP?

[Vidoory]

Hey guys,

 

Would someone please read over the intro section of my SOP? I've made the rest of my SOP very professional and am happy with it, but I'm still not so sure about my intro... I'd appreciate any advice!

"My intended area of specialization at XXX University is translational genetics, with a special interest towards the implementation of novel genetic biotechnology to aid human diseases. Throughout my undergraduate career, I have become increasingly captivated with the field of genetics, as well as its undeniable potential in the future of medicine.

My love for biology began in high school. We were assigned the task of “publishing” an educational children’s book on a human organ system of our choice. Mine was the nervous system. It was the first time I indulged in my newfound fascination with the intricate workings of the human body, and I found myself poring, for hours on end, over different textbooks, research articles, and websites (not to mention the never openly-appreciated Wikipedia). I was in complete awe of nature’s capacity to design such a sophisticated organism; superior to anything even the best human architect can conjure. The end product of my assignment is a “Magic School Bus” storybook. It followed Ms. Frizzle’s class as they were injected into the bloodstream, crossed the blood-brain barrier, travelled through the cerebral cortex, and finally down into the spinal cord. It became the perfect beginning of my academic career in biology: an assignment of top grade, and one that is still passed to incoming students as exemplar."

 

Thanks!

Edited December 1, 2014 by Vidoory

[fancyfeast]

I'm not an expert in SOPs by any means and am still figuring out what is supposed to make a "good" SOP, but I'll give you my opinion. I'm kind of torn because I like it and I think it's memorable, but I have heard that this "my love for X began in high school" is pretty typical. I don't think it's looked down upon like "I have always wanted to be a scientist since I was born" trope is though.

 

I think it depends on the reader, really, which I know is not what you (or I, since I'm also writing my SOP) want to hear. I emailed several professors at my R1 institution which is top 20 for my field (chemistry), asking for candid answers regarding what makes a good SOP and I got a range of responses from "I like to know what got them interested in science" to "I am sick of nostalgic little introductions" to "to be honest most of them are pretty terrible" lol.

 

But anyway back to this particuar intro, I think it's fine in terms of how it is written, but, for me, it is a little cheesy and it doesn't "impress" me I guess? Not trying to knock you or your accomplishments but I think I would try to maybe start with an introduction that expands more on this sentence (and maybe that's because it was one that resonated with me when I read it): "I was in complete awe of nature’s capacity to design such a sophisticated organism; superior to anything even the best human architect can conjure." I think it's good to let the committee know what got you interested in biology to begin with, and then elaborate on what sparked your interest in graduate school in a later paragraph. The introduction paragraph, for me, serves as a chance to catch their attention and I chose to do that by hopefully explaining "why X" in a creative and memorable way (not too sure it worked out that way for me haha).

[Vidoory]

thanks for the suggestions! That's funny though, I actually did elaborate on the sentence you mentioned (outlining the different aspects of the nervous system I found fascinating) previously, but decided to delete it since it had little to do with genetics. I guess I'll add it back!

Edited December 1, 2014 by Vidoory

[StudyStar]

Good start, but one thing the introduction lacks is a solid thematic "hook" to tie the different ideas together and introduce the writing in a memorable and unique way. I encourage clients to shy away from opening the first paragraph with "My intended area of focus..." or "I would like to study XXX because..." You should explain it in a more powerful way, one that sets you apart from many other well-qualified candidates.

 

Sincerely,

 

David

Edited December 24, 2014 by fuzzylogician
edited to remove advertisement

[jujubea]

I had a hook in a draft of my SOP.

 

When I sent it for review by someone whose opinion I basically had to trust - they crossed it out and said I should open clearly and succinctly with "I am applying to the XX program at XX university in the XX emphasis." That person then also went on to take out any colorful language I had (such as "love" "excited" "passionate" etc.).

 

Last year when I almost applied, I had a separate SOP reviewed by an actual adcom member, at a totally different school, who basically gave the same feedback. Just get to the point. Which program, which school, which emphasis, now tell me why.

 

Which is all just to say, to each his/her own. Everyone seems to have different preferences. But I don't think your SOP will get trashed because it doesn't open with a hook, whereas if it fails to ever mention the above points, it could.

 

I think it's a pretty great opening overall - agree about adding more detail in the place mentioned previously - also though I'm not sure your Wikipedia remark really adds any value, and I'd axe it. It risks indicating (whether accurately or not) some immaturity through what could be deemed the inappropriate use of humor (this is not MY opinion upon reading it, I happen to like such sparks of levity, but just based on what I've heard others mention on this forum, also after reading the "kiss of death" article floating around here somewhere).

 

There is something almost underwhelming when you say the end product was like the Magic School Bus - it made me go "wait a minute, I thought s/he said high school..." That said - I don't think it's a bad example, but perhaps there is a way you can set it up beforehand so that it doesn't come across as so out of place. Sorry if that's vague. And no dis to the MSB.

 

Great thing is, it's clear to a total outsider. Which means it will also be clear to the adcom Very important!

[esotericish]

 

 

When I sent it for review by someone whose opinion I basically had to trust - they crossed it out and said I should open clearly and succinctly with "I am applying to the XX program at XX university in the XX emphasis." That person then also went on to take out any colorful language I had (such as "love" "excited" "passionate" etc.).

 

Same thing happened to me by two people I very much trust -- and who read lots of these and accept some very qualified PhD students every year. I basically removed most of the personal parts of it and focused on clearly talking about my interests, where they're headed, what I've done, etc. I did include some of the personal information I initially had in a later paragraph, but found myself editing that out for the shorter length requirements some schools have.

[Vidoory]

I had a hook in a draft of my SOP.

 

When I sent it for review by someone whose opinion I basically had to trust - they crossed it out and said I should open clearly and succinctly with "I am applying to the XX program at XX university in the XX emphasis." That person then also went on to take out any colorful language I had (such as "love" "excited" "passionate" etc.).

 

Last year when I almost applied, I had a separate SOP reviewed by an actual adcom member, at a totally different school, who basically gave the same feedback. Just get to the point. Which program, which school, which emphasis, now tell me why.

 

Which is all just to say, to each his/her own. Everyone seems to have different preferences. But I don't think your SOP will get trashed because it doesn't open with a hook, whereas if it fails to ever mention the above points, it could.

 

I think it's a pretty great opening overall - agree about adding more detail in the place mentioned previously - also though I'm not sure your Wikipedia remark really adds any value, and I'd axe it. It risks indicating (whether accurately or not) some immaturity through what could be deemed the inappropriate use of humor (this is not MY opinion upon reading it, I happen to like such sparks of levity, but just based on what I've heard others mention on this forum, also after reading the "kiss of death" article floating around here somewhere).

 

There is something almost underwhelming when you say the end product was like the Magic School Bus - it made me go "wait a minute, I thought s/he said high school..." That said - I don't think it's a bad example, but perhaps there is a way you can set it up beforehand so that it doesn't come across as so out of place. Sorry if that's vague. And no dis to the MSB.

 

Great thing is, it's clear to a total outsider. Which means it will also be clear to the adcom Very important!

 

Thanks 

 

Unfortunately I've sent out most of my applications at this point to really make any changes, but I appreciate the input. I seriously considered taking out anything personal as well, but the end product was so sleep-inducing to read through I really didn't want to send it out haha. At this point all I can do is hope for the best :S

 

For the Magic School Bus section, there was another reason I included this which is that I am also interested in medical illustration and animation. I think it's a great way of communicating scientific ideas (beyond all the convoluted science jargons I'm embarrassed say sometimes completely passes over my head), and I'd like to incorporate it into my research. I used MSB since it was really my first attempt at illustrating science in an easy to understand manner. I brought it back near the end of my SOP and said I'd like to continue the marriage of art and science in my life, as it is what started me on this journey.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Vidoory