SOP:Feedback please

[littleflower]

Hi everyone,

Here is how I thought my SOP would be.

Any criticism or feedback will be much appreciated.

My specific experience(high point1)..... During my study of (MY SUBJECT), there have been various exciting high points like this one when I was.(high points 2 and3). Each one of them has convinced me that I want to do research in....

I want to pursue a Ph.D. because it will give me an opportunity to work on active research problems. I feel myself especially motivated to work in the areas of (my areas). I am interested in studying the various (my interests)

As a student, I have had the opportunity to carry out various projects and field studies. During B.S., (my field trip).... I undertook various projects (my project1) (my project 2)(project3)Work on these projects and field trips have been very intellectually fulfilling for me. I want to be able to do....... Pursuing a Ph.D. from XYZ UNIVERSITY will equip me with a variety of skills and expertise on how to conduct in-depth research in.....

Over a two year period, I have had the opportunity to teach (MY SUBJECT) to different students. I taught (my topics) . I would like to be considered for teaching assistantship during Ph.D. I have a diploma in computer programming which may be useful during Ph.D. I am a trained singer of classical and semi-classical music and I have performed in several public events. I also read books and play computer games in my spare time. ......., I have worked on a day job and saved money to fund the application process. I am ready and inspired to start working on a doctoral degree now.After my Ph.D, I want to continue to do research and teach(MY SUBJECT).

I want to do my Ph.D. at XYZ UNIVERSITY because the Department conducts research in the areas that interest me most. XYZ UNIVERSITYis one of the premier institutes in the field of biological research and I want to do research in this environment. I want to learn from the distinguished professors and researchers in my field at XYZ and contribute as much. I am confident that I will be able to meet the expectations of the professors and that I can contribute significantly.

I believe that my academic career and experience show that I have adequate knowledge and passion to pursue a Ph.D. Last but not the least I have secured First Class results in all my academic examinations. .... Thank you

[belowthree]

Not terrible by any means, but also fairly generic. You need to talk about something different if you want a unique and compelling narrative.

[purplepepper]

I have a diploma in computer programming which may be useful during Ph.D. I am a trained singer of classical and semi-classical music and I have performed in several public events. I also read books and play computer games in my spare time. ......., I have worked on a day job and saved money to fund the application process. I am ready and inspired to start working on a doctoral degree now.After my Ph.D, I want to continue to do research and teach(MY SUBJECT).

I read books and play computer games in my spare time too as I'm sure every single Phd student does....and coming from a music background myself, it:s great that you were a voice student. Kudos to saving money in this economy. Unfortunately, the people reading your apps don't give a flip. To give you advice without being sarcastic, rewrite the whole thing and talk about your research only and how your ideas have developed. No one cares if you say you are ready or what you have done that may be useful...becuase you do not prove it with your SOP at this point.

[thepoorstockinger]

The way you posted this makes it really hard to figure out what exactly you're going to be putting in there.

Maybe it's just the way you posted this but it all seems really, really vague: you taught different students, you engaged in various projects, I want to do research in "this environment", etc.

[fuzzylogician]

Reading this SOP, I don't get the feeling that you're passionate about your subject. Nor, for that matter, do I feel like you gave a good reason for wanting to go to grad school at all, or to "XYZ UNIVERSITY" in particular. Wanting to work with distinguished professors at a premier institution is not a good enough reason. It may just be because of the way you've posted this - taking out the specifics and leaving only the most generic statements. mims3382 is right in that the committee doesn't care what you do in your spare time, and doesn't want you to tell it you're prepared for grad school -- show, don't tell. I think you need to do some serious rewriting here.

[jasper.milvain]

I want to pursue a Ph.D. because it will give me an opportunity to work on active research problems. I feel myself especially motivated to work in the areas of (my areas). I am interested in studying the various (my interests)

Start with this, but cut the section on "active research problems" and replace it with specifics. Ditch the phrasing "I feel myself especially motivated". The adcom doesn't care about how you feel, they care about research and your ability to do it. You can also phrase it more assertively... less like it's a future intention and more like it's a done deal. "I intend to focus in (my areas) in order to contribute (meaningful research) to the ongoing scholarly discussion about (sexy topic) held between (sexy researchers)." or "My proposed research seeks to answer (tight, relevant set of questions) about (my area) in order to (move scholarship forward in a specific way/save the world/fix a problem)."

My specific experience(high point1)..... During my study of (MY SUBJECT), there have been various exciting high points like this one when I was.(high points 2 and3). Each one of them has convinced me that I want to do research in....

Once you have proved to them that you understand the field and have a coherent project, you can get into personal info like this. Again, though, take the emphasis off of your emotions. Instead of excitement, talk about the skills that you gained or the contribution you made. Replace "Each one of them has convinced me that I want" with "Each one of them has convinced me of the importance of (X research) especially in regards to (Y problem)".

As a student, I have had the opportunity to carry out various projects and field studies. During B.Sc., (my field trip).... I undertook various projects (my project1) (my project 2)(project3)Work on these projects and field trips have been very intellectually fulfilling for me. I want to be able to do....... Pursuing a Ph.D. from XYZ UNIVERSITY will equip me with a variety of skills and expertise on how to conduct in-depth research in.....

Again, drop the commentary on your fulfillment. Focus on what you were able to contribute, or the skills gained. Getting skills and expertise from a Ph.D. goes without saying. It's true of every program. Instead, focus on why XYZ specifically is a great fit for you.

Over a two year period, I have had the opportunity to teach (MY SUBJECT) to different students. I taught (my topics) . I would like to be considered for teaching assistantship during Ph.D.

If there's another place to list employment experience, I would cut this entirely. Otherwise, simply state the kind of class taught in the section on your previous experience-- "These projects and field studies made me an effective teacher of (X). I have run X many seminars/lectures/labs at the 100/200/300 level at Y University."

There will certainly be a box to check on the application form saying that you need aid. You don't need to waste valuable SOP space on it.

I have a diploma in computer programming which may be useful during Ph.D. I am a trained singer of classical and semi-classical music and I have performed in several public events. I also read books and play computer games in my spare time. ......., I have worked on a day job and saved money to fund the application process. I am ready and inspired to start working on a doctoral degree now.

Cut, cut cut. You only have a small amount of space to sell yourself as a competent, informed, professional researcher. Anything that does not directly attest to your academic knowledge and skills is a waste of space. The adcom are looking for researchers, not roommates or blind dates.

After my Ph.D, I want to continue to do research and teach(MY SUBJECT).

Again, goes without saying. Cut.

I want to do my Ph.D. at XYZ UNIVERSITY because the Department conducts research in the areas that interest me most.

This is ok, but again, replace comments about your interest with more concrete language about research. "I want to do my PhD at XYZ U because the researchers/labs/libraries/resources in incredibly specific sub-area will allow me to complete the kick-ass research project outlined above." Your interest in your subject absolutely goes without saying.

XYZ UNIVERSITYis one of the premier institutes in the field of biological research and I want to do research in this environment. I want to learn from the distinguished professors and researchers in my field at XYZ and contribute as much.

The adcoms already know that their schools are distinguished. Don't waste space telling them something they already know. Instead, talk about how specific elements of that prestige will directly help you as a researcher.

I am confident that I will be able to meet the expectations of the professors and that I can contribute significantly.

I believe that my academic career and experience show that I have adequate knowledge and passion to pursue a Ph.D.

As they say in creative writing, "Show, don't tell." If you've done your job of outlining a compelling project and linking it to your experience and skills, you don't need to tell them that you're a good candidate. Prove it, don't assert it. "I am confident" and "I believe" make your qualifications sound subjective. Present yourself as someone whose value to the department is self-evident.

Last but not the least I have secured First Class results in all my academic examinations. .... Thank you

This is what your transcript is for. Don't duplicate any information. Again, you have a super limited space.

I hope that was helpful. I guess it can pretty much be boiled down into:

1. Focus on research.

2. Use concrete language instead of reporting your emotions.

3. Be as specific as humanly possible.

4. Use the space wisely.

5. Focus on research.

6. Focus on research.

[littleflower]

Thank you so much everyone. I will surely rewrite this. Meanwhile, if there are any more suggestions, please do share.