Help Critique my SoP

[OldIronsides]

 Hey guys, I'm just hoping someone can tell me if I'm even going in the right direction with this. I think I am oscillating between the extremes of too sentimental and too research focused in the different iterations of this piece, so I need a set of fresh eyes. I have heavily redacted the SoP for purposes of privacy, which might change the flow somewhat, but it should give you an idea of what I am working with here.

 Thanks for your time in advance. 

Edit: There was a question I wanted to ask, but forgot when posting this. I realized my earliest problem with the SoP is that I tried to shoe-horn my history into the piece, and that was keeping me from fleshing out my research objectives. That said, I had a professor strongly suggest that I write a 'Statement of Personal History' and include it with all of my applications as a supplement to the Statement of Intent. Is this wise?  
 

                While I have a number of ideas about what I would like to focus on in regards to my dissertation, a consistent theme is the idea of [X] in Europe from the late nineteenth to the late twentieth century. Two important concepts that I became exposed to during my first year as a Master’s student were [X]. While these two systems of thought had different arguments, conclusions, and purposes, they shared a common thread in [X]. After realizing this connection, I began to look into other concepts of [X]. While I found that the concept was not unique to the time period in question, it appeared to be going through a renaissance at that time.

 

                While looking further into the issue, I found the idea of [X] in the works of [X]. There were few unifying themes, and they were separated by time, nationalities, religion, politics, etc. Possible explanations like reactions to modern warfare, delayed responses to the Enlightenment or Romanticism, wrestling with the concept of evolution, and frustration with the state of political affairs were true in a number of individual instances, but never across the board.

 

                My research has caused doubt that there is some unifying cause to the rise of [X]. Still, I believe an analysis of the idea is of scholarly value as it runs through important works and ideologies, from fascism to modernist literature to psychology. I believe that the idea of [X] is a critical component of modernity, and I want to both understand its impact and why it has resonated with intellectual and cultural trendsetters.

 

 I believe that the University of [X] is the best place for me to pursue this work while also expanding my abilities as a historian. The primary reason is the presence of two professors in particular.

 

                One of those professors is [X]. While I have researched the [X], I see the theory of [X] as one of the great examples of the idea of [X]. Despite having a better than average grasp of the field, I can’t help but feel that my understanding of what they believed and what they are doing is inchoate and in need of direction. As [X] is an expert in this field, I believe he is just the kind of teacher I would need to fully develop my understanding and this idea.

 

                The other professor is [X]. There are two reasons for this. One is that while I have an understanding of the streams of philosophical thought prominent in Europe at the time, I need a better grasp of the historical framework that helped shape them. As Paris in particular seems to be an epicenter for those figures working with themes of [X], a more solid grounding modern France would help refine this project. The other is that fear of both women and sexual deviancy seemed to drive on some of those figures that I want to analyze, and her work in sexuality and gender would help contextualize the situation.

 

                All that said, I recognize that I am just now starting down the path of a serious, professional historian and that what interests, what motivates me, and topics that I feel are worthy of analysis are likely to change the more I learn and the more familiar I become with the realities of the past. I feel that the University of [X] has the faculty, the archives, and the academic community to help me grow and work with those topics that might catch my interest.

 

Edited September 7, 2015 by OldIronsides

[knp]

It seems like the bones of a good SoP are there, but your language is very tentative.  (Professors are not "teachers", e.g.; you're applying to PhD programs, yes? Then your professors are supporting you as your research becomes more independent.) You don't really sell why your work would be interesting, which is something you need to do—why is the "idea of [x]" important? Why should we care about its development? In general, I think your opening sentence and your last paragraph are the weakest parts. Why is this concept interesting, beyond the fact that it's interesting to you? If it's in your SoP, I know that you're considering studying it for graduate school. "I am considering this topic," therefore, could go unstated (or at least not foregrounded at the beginning and end). For an example of how you might change it, I think you might have something in the "renaissance" aspect (although what does that mean—just that more people were talking about the idea, or that more people were using it as a guide in their thinking about other topics, or what?). Perhaps you could start your essay with "In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries in Europe, the idea of [the Flying Spaghetti Monster] was growing ever more popular." That situates it in a context for why it's important from the get-go: we're talking about this because it was at one point very influential.

Edit: I now see in the middle that you write that it's "a critical component of modernity," which is the sort of thing I was just asking for. I might push you to expand a bit on what that means more specifically, as well as to bring the importance earlier.

And then I think your last paragraph might be too honest. Yes, many of us will change our topics after we enter graduate school, but part of this process seems to be an exercise in talking about your interests with just a little bit more certainty than you really have. (At least for self-doubters like you and me.) I don't necessarily think you need to not have the stuff about your openness to other paths, but the language needs to drastically change. Talk about it with more agency and with a more positive spin (it's not that you're unprepared, which is how the "just now starting" bit could be read, but that you're flexible or open-minded), and maybe throw in the parameters of what interests you in general. (This is something that would behoove you to do either in the introduction or conclusion anyway). For example, specifying somewhere that your interest in the history of the idea of [the Flying Spaghetti Monster] comes out of a broader interest in the intersection of intellectual and gender history in fin-de-siècle France. The alternative to making this version of your conclusion more positive is for you to scrap it and write a new one, I think.

I always like to read my drafts aloud, too, to see if it "sounds like" something I could say. I get the feeling you haven't done that yet for this one. Although your writing is clear and never gets bogged down in anything weird, some of the sentences are just slightly awkward. For instance: "The other professor is [X]. There are two reasons for this." I find that pause unnatural; if I were reading it, I'd say, "The other professor is [Miley Cyrus], because of her work on both [Parisian social history] and [gender]." It's a good exercise for making your prose flow.

Edit 2: I would also be interested, somewhere, in what types of sources you are thinking about working with, and to know whether you have worked with anything like them in your MA.

Edited September 9, 2015 by knp
Oh this field is required now is it

[OldIronsides]

Thanks for your input. You're dead on about the tentative language, it's a recurring problem. 

[StudyStar]

I second the above poster's input. Stronger language will help make a more convincing, impressive SOP. Regarding including a "statement of personal history," I think it's a wise move, and something we sometimes advise our clients to do, although you can't assume that anyone will read it. Just bear that in mind.

Feel free to message me with any questions; I work for a company (StudyStar, Inc.) that provides editing services and consulting for grad school applications.

Pete

studystarinc.com