First issue essay, please rate it if you have time - thanks!

[Matt1112211]

This was my first attempt at an issue essay, it is probably not the best but I would appreciate any feedback, thank you very much!

In any field of endeavor, it is impossible to make a significant contribution without first being strongly influenced by past achievements within that field.

 

 

 

Often times, it is generalized that success in any field is dervied from experience. However, in modern society, this claim proves to be inaccurate. Surely this is a time of human history where one can make a significant contribution without relevant experience or achievements. Spectacular things are being created and improved by innovators that started with just an idea. Of course, it would be very challenging to make a significant contribution to a field where no past achievements have been marked. However to claim this feat as impossible is simply wrong and naive.

 

This is a time in history where making a significant contribution to a field with nothing but a strong idea is at an all time high. Even without relevant experience of past achievements, opportunities for those who seek hard enough are pleantiful. We evidently see this in the massive amount of start up businesses. Often times, a person enters the field with nothing but an idea and if successful, they forever change the dynamic of that field.

 

A famous example defying this claim would be Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of the website, “Facebook”. Even though Mark was a computer science major, he had little to no past achievments in creating social media websites. Nor did he have any sort of business background except for his college roommate at the time. Mark went on to create one of, if not, the biggest social media websites to ever exist. His contribution has forever changed social media websites and the internet in general.

 

Perhaps being a field so long can blind oneself of new idea’s or different ways to make lasting contributions. Or, maybe being a field long enough can give you the experience needed to make an everlasting contribution. But to make the claim it is strictly impossible to make a significant contribution without past achievements is highly inaccurate.

 

 

 

Edited September 19, 2015 by Matt1112211

[Vince Kotchian GRE Prep]

hey Matt,

This is probably a 3 or 3.5. I'd encourage you to do some untimed practice and brainstorm lots of topics before you practice timed again. This will take the time pressure off and allow you to build skill more easily. Use the ETS instructions and sample essays as guides.

Your first body paragraph feels like an extension of your intro - I'd just get right into your first reason and example in the first body pgh.

Your writing is nice and clear, and I follow your thinking - the essay just needs more depth.

[Matt1112211]

hey Matt,

This is probably a 3 or 3.5. I'd encourage you to do some untimed practice and brainstorm lots of topics before you practice timed again. This will take the time pressure off and allow you to build skill more easily. Use the ETS instructions and sample essays as guides.

Your first body paragraph feels like an extension of your intro - I'd just get right into your first reason and example in the first body pgh.

Your writing is nice and clear, and I follow your thinking - the essay just needs more depth.

 

Thanks for your response. I really appreciate it.  if you have time I just finished my first argument task essay if you could take a look, that would be great!
 

"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."

 

 

 

While opening a café in the Monarch Book store might be a popular recommendation, the arguments used by the author are invalid. This is due to the fact th arguments implented have little to no evidence and are easily dismissable. There would need to be a substantial increase in data and more reputable evidence in this claim for Monarch Books to consider opening a café.

 

          The fact that Monarch Books has been open for more than 20 years is irrelevant in deciding wether or not to implement a café. While Monarch Books might have a solid customer base along with a wide selection of books, this has little to do with the overall decision. Indeed, space could be created from discontinuing the children’s book section, taking this chance would be a risk. Even though the census shows a decline in the percentage of the population under ten, this does not mean childrens books will certainly become less popular.

 

The author states that, opening a café would clearly attract more customers. However, this claim is not backed up by any sort of solid evidence. It is only stated that Regals Books recently opened a café but does not give any sort of data on how well the store is now doing financially. Regal Books could be doing better than Monarch Books for a number of reasons other than the opening of a café.

 

Surely, the opening of a café without extensive verifcation of economic data would be a massive mistake for Monarch Books. A detailed report of the options, value, and further data should be required for Monarch Books to make such a decision. Otherwise, maintaining loyal customers and competing with Regal Books may longer be an option if such an uninformed decision is made.

 

 

Edited September 19, 2015 by Matt1112211

[Vince Kotchian GRE Prep]

same comment, really - needs more depth. It's around a 3.

[Matt1112211]

Thanks for the input! 

[Mayur Kulkarni]

You need to practice more, and try to elaborate your points instead of writing numerous small paragraphs. When I first started practicing essays I was about the same level as you are now (I won't say I am an elite now) after practicing about 30-35 essays when I re-read those essays which I had initially written they seemed quite funny, because as you practice you're level starts increasing so the key point in AWA is practicing and reading nice articles that'll furnish your knowledge. Practice more essays and come back at this one and you'll notice a significant increase in your level.

Hope this helps

Mayur