Is there anyone here that could grade my GRE essays?

[La Rosa]

Hi. I will be taking the GRE for the first time and would like to know if there is anybody that could give me an idea of how many points would I have scored with these essays. This was my first try. I also would would like to know if it is too evident that my first language is not English.

Thank you

1) The first exercise was asking me to give my opinion about having one and only one educational system to all children until they are 18.

This is what I wrote:

There is always one question that insists to emerge within families with a perceived problem-child: "-How can my children be so different from one another? I raised them the same way!" Biology and context are equally relevant in comparative studies. Scientists have long focused on the study of twins - who are normaly raised in the same context and have the same genetic predisposition - and even then, there are major differences found between the pairs, ranging from how their personalitites have developed to how they respond to a learning method.
    Such differences in their learning abilities and their personalities must be accounted within the school system. There cannot be a singular system that caters to different needs of different children. The No Child Left Behind Program is a  method to make up for all the children that did not adapt to the mainstream educational system of our society.
    Children not only have different interests as they have different developed abilities that seem more natural to them, and as a consequence, draws their attention without much effort.  Learning should be a more natural process, as the child asks about stars you have a chance to teach physics; as the child asks about cooking, you teach them chemistry.
    Thus, differences in our biology, context and personalities should be enough to show our society that one edicational system does not work for all!

2) The second exercise was about a memorandum written by a news program manager stating that a year ago, there had been a change of focus in their news show, moving from local news and weather to national news only. Their ratings had gone up but the supporting local business had stopped advertising with them. Additionally, the only complaints they were receiving were regarding the local news and weather. Due to all of these, the manager had decided to go back to showing local news and weather reports. 

This is what I wrote:

As the executive producer of XYZ Broadcast, I would like to have a deeper understanding of the situation that the late-night news program finds itself in. From the information I gathered from your memorandum, I understand that the the focus of the show has shifted a year ago from a weather and local news program to a national news program. 
    Although such shift seems to have been successful with our viewers - since all the complaints are about the weather and local news -  it has not appealed to our financial supporters. With such preocuppation in mind, you decided to return to focusing on local news and weather. 
    Before refishifting our focus again, we we must analyze the numbers. If we have had more viewers in the past year, how do you believe that you will increase the number of viewers if you go back to what was not working so well before? We must learn how many households had their television turned on our channel during the show for the past year, compared to before. We also must learn the preferences of the individuals that have been watching our show for the past year. 
    These are relevant information since our viewers profile may have changed - we have more viewers now- and thus we may be able to have different businesses advertising with us. Aditionally, since we are transmitting national news, we do not have to depend so much on local business suporters. If supported by the data, we may be able to have businesses form other areas advertising with us.
    Based on these information above, I advise you to order a statistical analysis of the numbers and a viewers profile - local and national viewers -  before you move on with re shifting our show from national to weather and local news. 

[Mayur Kulkarni]

Hi La Rosa,

I have some advices for you :-)

Firstly, you need to work on supporting examples and try to elaborate. What I do while writing essays is stick to "PREP" model,

(1)P - Point

What's the main point/claim you want to make. Elaborate your point here.

(2)R- Reason

A specific reason of why you are making a point.

(3)E- Example

Example(s) supporting your claim.

(4)P- Point (Summary)

Summarize the point you made in step 1 succinctly.

For instance how I'd make a point in your previous essay :

Curriculum in designed in numerous ways in different nations, few of them allow students to choose their subjects or electives during the later stages of high school, while few others totally lack in providing this flexibility, and have a common curriculum until a student enters college. The later would be less beneficent since children learn in numerous way, some may learn through reading, some through writing. Standardizing a curriculum including/excluding certain aspects may hinder the learning process of children. For instance, Einstein was a wonderful violinist and often solved the most intricate problems in his mind while playing music. It is also a well known fact that Leonardo Da Vinci was much more than artist; he was a scientist and inventor and an anatomist. In sum, providing a flexible curriculum will furnish students with options and will let students learn their own way.

(2) Structuring:

How I'd structure my essay :

Para 1 - Intro

Para 2 - For

Para 3 - For

Para 4 - Challenge my own claims (beginning like : However blah blah blah point holds, it is also true that blah blah blah)

Para 5- Conclusion

(3) Avoid excess use of words like "I". Instead of explicitly mentioning that I disagree , or I agree, or I support, let that be implied through your points.

 

Hope that help

Cheers,

Mayur

[La Rosa]

Thank you, Mayur. Your reply was very helpful! :-)