I need help with the statement...

[arte]

I've got my statement corrected by an online essay editing site. I just can't seem to agree with the editor on the part about my work. It seems like the editor thought I was trying to explain my future plans here or something.

This paragraph is solely about my work, but since it's intertwined with my interest, I guess the editor has a point...

Should I specify that it is about my work at the start of the paragraph? or should i put in a sentence saying that I like making backup plans too?(I do like making backup plans. I'm not that obsessed about getting it all right at the first try. I can re-plan anytime...) Maybe mentioning that I am pessimistic but that pessimism come from knowing the fragility of control and connect that with my current works would help?

I don't know.. any comments will be appreciated...

 

Me:

 

            I like making plans; this is something I do. I plan for the next 10, 20, 50 years. However, these plans are not necessarily based on reality. I think about a hypothetical fire and plan a hypothetical escape route. I think about many possibilities that are not likely to become real; I dream and worry at the same time. My obsession with constant planning comes from the uncertainty of the future; I need to remove the uncertainty to gain perfect control. This requires me to focus on gaining power. With power, I can eliminate the possibilities and fix the future into one definite point. This is what I am focusing on right now. I’m interested in acquiring and proclaiming control, and my recent works reflect the fragility of my control.

 

 

 

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This is the editor's note: 

I suggest that you rework this paragraph to tone down the obsession with removing uncertainty and obtaining power. These ideas create a somewhat negative impression (see below, for a way to turn the same ideas into positives). If you overemphasize these two halves of your motivation, the reader may worry that you won’t take instruction well or that you would not be cooperative or flexible. (Or that if there is any glitch in your plans, you will not be able to think on your feet and make flexible changes.)

 

However, I don’t think you need to remove these ideas altogether, because it’s not a bad thing to want to try to create a firm future.

 

I suggest that perhaps you rephrase these ideas a bit. Perhaps speak of being disciplined in your plans and having specific aims. Talk about how you like to remove obstacles so you can achieve a clear path to the future. It would even be a very positive idea to suggest that you want to take full responsibility for where your future goes and where you take your art. Those are all very positive expressions of the same feelings and desires.

 

 

Edited October 27, 2015 by arte

[cpw0021]

I think you definitely need to say at the start that it's about your work. Right now it does seem like you're just describing yourself and not your practice. Just say in one sentence what concepts you're exploring in your practice right now. Also, maybe describing how you translate these ideas into your work would be helpful as well. 

[nongfuspring1]

Firstly, what kind of statement is this? Personal statement, artist statement, statement of intent? It would be much more useful to see the whole draft rather than just the paragraph about your work. Ideally the explanation of your artistic interests should blend more into the broader narrative of the essay and explain not just what you're interested in but how also you came to be motivated to work with these ideas and why art is a suitable means to develop them. 

[arte]

Thank you so much for all the advices!!!

It's statement of purpose and it should be 500 words. I'm just posting the part about my work because I'm still working on the other parts. 

I've added and taken out some parts. this alone became 328 words.. I have no idea how I will cram in everything in 500 words...

 

    Control and power are one of the major themes in my art works. I search for the reasons behind my obsession with control, and through that I find their fragility. Behind the search for power lies my attempt to understand this world. My obsession with constant planning comes from the uncertainty of the future; I need to remove the uncertainty to gain perfect control. This requires me to focus on gaining power. With power, I can eliminate the possibilities and fix the future into one definite point. I am interested in acquiring and proclaiming control.(maybe I can get rid of this last sentence...) I am focusing on where my power and control stands in this reality. My piece <Hard work never betrays me.> is a participatory performance piece where the audience is given the role of the obstructor. On sand covered floor, I constantly build small sand obelisks and the obelisks, my hard work, gets destroyed by the audience. This piece shows my constant attempt to gain control, which fails miserably every time. 

    My works cannot be categorized into a single theme. I am also fascinated by the history of art and of galleries, particularly the gallery walls. Over the course of time, those walls stand through many exhibitions and shows, but after all is done, they are still white. The layers of paint on the walls tell so many stories, but they all hide under the most recent thin layer of white paint, as though nothing happened. <History> is a gallery wall sanded to show that layers of history.

I am planning to continue my research into control and power, extending it to research into sound. I am also interested in working with speech tones, especially those used in religious prayers. I am intrigued by how the sound is articulated in certain ways to give it authority, and I would like to collaborate with other departments such as the sound engineering or astrophysics departments in my search for the right way to exhibit my ideas. 

 

[nongfuspring1]

The problem I find with your piece so far is that it doesn't tell us why you're interested in these themes at all, or how you became interested in them. You really must talk about why you care if you want anyone else to, otherwise this essay will just be a vague list of things you're interested in. For example, why sound? How is the history of art galleries related to the idea of power? Why astrophysics? How do any of your interests relate to you as a person?