HELP with the SOP

[biochemgirl67]

I am posting my personal statement draft for my top choice, Harvard.  I am having some serious issues knowing if it is compelling enough or too dry or not persuasive.  I would really REALLY appreciate any feedback on it.  It's a 3 pager, just for reference.

 

I haven’t always wanted to be a scientist; during my childhood, I sometimes dreamed of becoming a doctor, a writer, or an artist.  I felt these professions could change the world.  As I matured, I became more aware of the acute and chronic medical crises on a global scale and more specifically the lag in scientific innovation in treating grievous diseases.  The continued plague of cancer, increasing chronic viral infections, and most recently the Ebola epidemic have demonstrated the need for scientists on the frontier of research and together with my academic and research experiences cemented my goal to position myself as a leader of disease research.  I am excited to participate in cutting edge biomedical research and have worked to accumulate academic and research experiences during my undergraduate career geared towards allowing me to study the immune system’s role in disease.  Together, my experiences have whittled my goals to become a principal investigator capable of changing our understanding of disease and have spurred and cultivated my overall desire to pursue scientific study at a higher level in graduate school.

My academic record shows sustained and exceptional achievement concomitant with intense research work, proving that I will be successful at a graduate level.  In order to distinguish myself beyond a basic curriculum, I chose to add minors in microbiology and genetics as well as pursue rigorous graduate courses in preparation for a doctoral program.  These graduate classes included biochemistry, molecular genetics, immunology, virology, and molecular signaling and increased my interest in the organization of the immune system in relation to disease.  I was encouraged to expand my skill set beyond that of a typical undergraduate, becoming intimately familiar with experimental practices and modern research efforts through intense study of published literature and drafting both an NIH proposal on the dynamic relationship between T cell receptor signaling and HTLV-1 infection and a review on the relationship between HIV-1 infection and T cell biology and lymphopoiesis.  My demonstrated academic success will undoubtedly continue into my graduate study and has deepened and focused my interest in the immune system and its signaling. 

At ***, I joined the laboratory of Dr. *** in January 2014.  She and I generated a pilot project connecting past work on the JIL-1 tandem kinase loss-of-function mutations consequences to an obesity phenotype in Drosophila melanogaster.  I became the lead investigator on the project, responsible for engineering and troubleshooting novel experimental set ups for the JIL-1 mutant panel, including a larval buoyancy assay, starvation assays, and a capillary feeder (CAFE) assay as well as dissection and analysis of larval fat bodies.  The independent work, design of experiments, and connection to biomedical problem of the genetic basis and control of obesity bolsters my current goals of both the study of cellular regulation and signaling and contributing to the larger scientific conversation through graduate study.

I participated in the NSF REU program in microbiology at the University of *** in the laboratory of Dr. ***, working on the connection between diversity in the gut microbiome and resistance to malarial infection.  I cultured Lactobacillus strains found in both resistant and susceptible mice and compared their 16S rRNA sequences to construct phylogenetic trees to determine candidates for probiotic therapy.  I also sequenced and phylogenetically compared bacteria in a yogurt concoction made to inoculate gnotobiotic mice in future testing of resistivity.  My experience at the University of *** allowed me to become proficient in several genetic and microbial techniques as well as use published literature to explain results, further piquing my interest in a high-level research career. 

I was named as a 2015 Amgen Scholar through Harvard University and worked in the laboratory of Dr. *** at *** researching the effect bone marrow niche cell TNF receptor signaling has on hematopoietic population recovery after chemotherapy in mice.  I received intensive training in flow cytometry techniques, genetic analysis, and preparation and staining of cellular samples and was able to combine subject matter from my graduate level immunology and molecular signaling courses to thoroughly scour the published literature in order to interpret my results and generate new directions for future study.  This research cemented my long-standing interest in the contribution of the immune system and its signaling to diseases such as cancer, infections, and autoimmune disorders as a concrete direction for my future study.

My mentors and their research have motivated me to become a principal investigator of disease research in immunology.  My goal is to pursue a career path in scientific research that allows me to design experiments and projects to seek answers about the molecular mechanisms and consequences of immune cell regulation through signaling.  I am most interested in a position at an institution that focuses on the research of grievous disease including cancer, microbial infection, and autoimmune disorders in order to participate in the next frontier of disease research focused on the immune system as a dynamic organ. 

My research interests span several classical disciplines, including microbiology, genetics, virology, and stem cell biology and converge upon the study of human disease and disorder through immune regulation, organization, and signaling.  Graduate school will allow me to achieve my career and research goals by fostering my critical thinking abilities, scientific creativity, and immunological technique repertoire in order to efficiently investigate problems.  My summer at Harvard University convinced me that the Immunology Program is an ideal place to grow and develop into an accomplished scientist capable of generating important research questions.   The Immunology Program boasts a robust faculty and research community in Cambridge and Longwood Medical Area in conjunction with major research topics that align with my interests including immune regulation, T cell biology, immune response to infection, and autoimmunity.  The laboratories of Marjorie Oettinger and Roberto Chiarle particularly exemplify my choice due to their focus on immune system organization and regulation in connection to disease.  They both apply non-traditional techniques to study immune regulation in the role of T cell development in resistance to infection to V(D)J recombination molecular regulation to the biochemical and genetic basis of lymphoma progression, respectively.  Although they are only a fraction of the faculty with whom I am excited to work, they are stellar examples of leaders and innovators directly involved in important disease research of the immune system and represent faculty that define Harvard University’s Immunology Program as my top choice doctoral program.

On the basis of my academic achievement, extensive research experiences, and career goals, I intend to pursue a doctorate that combines important research and an exceptional environment.  My previous experiences have cultivated a deep seated interest in immune regulation, organization, and signaling that applies to diseases such as pathogenic infection, cancer, and autoimmune disorders.  The sustained success in research and academics I have demonstrated ensures continued success at a graduate level and underlies my overall desire to become a scientist spearheading new research frontiers.  Harvard University’s Immunology Program is an ideal place to expand my education through its unbeatable community of researchers and intense focus on topics that capture my imagination and have the power to change lives.  I was not always intent on being a scientist, but my experiences and passion for science will propel me into a meaningful career focused on the pursuit of answers.

[Bioenchilada]

I'll take a look at it. 

[Bioenchilada]

I am posting my personal statement draft for my top choice, Harvard.  I am having some serious issues knowing if it is compelling enough or too dry or not persuasive.  I would really REALLY appreciate any feedback on it.  It's a 3 pager, just for reference.

 

I haven’t always wanted to be a scientist; during my childhood, I sometimes dreamed of becoming a doctor, a writer, or an artist.  I felt these professions could change the world.  As I matured, I became more aware of the acute and chronic medical crises on a global scale and more specifically the lag in scientific innovation in treating grievous diseases.  The continued plague of cancer, increasing chronic viral infections, and most recently the Ebola epidemic have demonstrated the need for scientists on the frontier of research and together with my academic and research experiences cemented my goal to position myself as a leader of disease research.  I am excited to participate in cutting edge biomedical research and have worked to accumulate academic and research experiences during my undergraduate career geared towards allowing me to study the immune system’s role in disease.  Together, my experiences have whittled my goals to become a principal investigator capable of changing our understanding of disease and have spurred and cultivated my overall desire to pursue scientific study at a higher level in graduate school.

My academic record shows sustained and exceptional achievement concomitant with intense research work, proving that I will be successful at a graduate level.  In order to distinguish myself beyond a basic curriculum, I chose to add minors in microbiology and genetics as well as pursue rigorous graduate courses in preparation for a doctoral program.  These graduate classes included biochemistry, molecular genetics, immunology, virology, and molecular signaling and increased my interest in the organization of the immune system in relation to disease.  I was encouraged to expand my skill set beyond that of a typical undergraduate, becoming intimately familiar with experimental practices and modern research efforts through intense study of published literature and drafting both an NIH proposal on the dynamic relationship between T cell receptor signaling and HTLV-1 infection and a review on the relationship between HIV-1 infection and T cell biology and lymphopoiesis.  My demonstrated academic success will undoubtedly continue into my graduate study and has deepened and focused my interest in the immune system and its signaling. 

At ***, I joined the laboratory of Dr. *** in January 2014.  She and I generated a pilot project connecting past work on the JIL-1 tandem kinase loss-of-function mutations consequences to an obesity phenotype in Drosophila melanogaster.  I became the lead investigator on the project, responsible for engineering and troubleshooting novel experimental set ups for the JIL-1 mutant panel, including a larval buoyancy assay, starvation assays, and a capillary feeder (CAFE) assay as well as dissection and analysis of larval fat bodies.  The independent work, design of experiments, and connection to biomedical problem of the genetic basis and control of obesity bolsters my current goals of both the study of cellular regulation and signaling and contributing to the larger scientific conversation through graduate study.

I participated in the NSF REU program in microbiology at the University of *** in the laboratory of Dr. ***, working on the connection between diversity in the gut microbiome and resistance to malarial infection.  I cultured Lactobacillus strains found in both resistant and susceptible mice and compared their 16S rRNA sequences to construct phylogenetic trees to determine candidates for probiotic therapy.  I also sequenced and phylogenetically compared bacteria in a yogurt concoction made to inoculate gnotobiotic mice in future testing of resistivity.  My experience at the University of *** allowed me to become proficient in several genetic and microbial techniques as well as use published literature to explain results, further piquing my interest in a high-level research career. 

I was named as a 2015 Amgen Scholar through Harvard University and worked in the laboratory of Dr. *** at *** researching the effect bone marrow niche cell TNF receptor signaling has on hematopoietic population recovery after chemotherapy in mice.  I received intensive training in flow cytometry techniques, genetic analysis, and preparation and staining of cellular samples and was able to combine subject matter from my graduate level immunology and molecular signaling courses to thoroughly scour the published literature in order to interpret my results and generate new directions for future study.  This research cemented my long-standing interest in the contribution of the immune system and its signaling to diseases such as cancer, infections, and autoimmune disorders as a concrete direction for my future study.

My mentors and their research have motivated me to become a principal investigator of disease research in immunology.  My goal is to pursue a career path in scientific research that allows me to design experiments and projects to seek answers about the molecular mechanisms and consequences of immune cell regulation through signaling.  I am most interested in a position at an institution that focuses on the research of grievous disease including cancer, microbial infection, and autoimmune disorders in order to participate in the next frontier of disease research focused on the immune system as a dynamic organ. 

My research interests span several classical disciplines, including microbiology, genetics, virology, and stem cell biology and converge upon the study of human disease and disorder through immune regulation, organization, and signaling.  Graduate school will allow me to achieve my career and research goals by fostering my critical thinking abilities, scientific creativity, and immunological technique repertoire in order to efficiently investigate problems.  My summer at Harvard University convinced me that the Immunology Program is an ideal place to grow and develop into an accomplished scientist capable of generating important research questions.   The Immunology Program boasts a robust faculty and research community in Cambridge and Longwood Medical Area in conjunction with major research topics that align with my interests including immune regulation, T cell biology, immune response to infection, and autoimmunity.  The laboratories of Marjorie Oettinger and Roberto Chiarle particularly exemplify my choice due to their focus on immune system organization and regulation in connection to disease.  They both apply non-traditional techniques to study immune regulation in the role of T cell development in resistance to infection to V(D)J recombination molecular regulation to the biochemical and genetic basis of lymphoma progression, respectively.  Although they are only a fraction of the faculty with whom I am excited to work, they are stellar examples of leaders and innovators directly involved in important disease research of the immune system and represent faculty that define Harvard University’s Immunology Program as my top choice doctoral program.

On the basis of my academic achievement, extensive research experiences, and career goals, I intend to pursue a doctorate that combines important research and an exceptional environment.  My previous experiences have cultivated a deep seated interest in immune regulation, organization, and signaling that applies to diseases such as pathogenic infection, cancer, and autoimmune disorders.  The sustained success in research and academics I have demonstrated ensures continued success at a graduate level and underlies my overall desire to become a scientist spearheading new research frontiers.  Harvard University’s Immunology Program is an ideal place to expand my education through its unbeatable community of researchers and intense focus on topics that capture my imagination and have the power to change lives.  I was not always intent on being a scientist, but my experiences and passion for science will propel me into a meaningful career focused on the pursuit of answers.

I just PM'ed you.

[Dedi]

You're going to have to cut somewhere. SOPs tend to be 1-2 pages (my top choice program required 1 page max) and beyond that gets too tedious, especially when you have other applications to go through. Your sentences tend to be long so cutting out words from those sentences would be a good start. I'm not sure what the purpose of the first paragraph is--when writing such essays, every paragraph and sentence needs to have a purpose (a lot like scientific writing). The first paragraph in particular is long-winded. Be concise and to the point. What have you done, what do you want to do now, and what do you want to do for the future? While I see essences of all three questions, they are muddled by unnecessary words.

Hope this helps! 

[StemCellBio]

Sent you a PM.

[biochemgirl67]

Thank you for the input so far!  It really helps me focus my writing and cut unnecessary parts.  I just want to get this thing over and submitted

[biochemgirl67]

Also... is it really necessary to have an introduction and conclusion paragraph?  I want it to be cohesive but also want the space to explain my experiences.

[adiJ]

Also... is it really necessary to have an introduction and conclusion paragraph?  I want it to be cohesive but also want the space to explain my experiences.

What you have now should work. That is, starting with a brief intro on why you want to do science to shape your essay, and end with your aspirations. If you dive into your research directly it would be weird.

[biochemgirl67]

Okay, I updated it and would appreciate any further input!  It is within the length necessary for all my applications.    I tried to tighten it up.  Also, I would be 100% happy to trade edit for edit on your SOPs!

I have not always wanted to be a scientist; as a child I sometimes dreamed of changing the world by being an artist, a writer, or a doctor.  However, as my scientific exposure increased and modern medical crises unfolded, I became interested in disease research.  Not only would my investigations have the potential to impact many lives, but I would also be able to spend my career teasing out the complexities of regulation at a molecular level.  Completion of a doctoral degree in immunology at Harvard University will catalyze a career in biomedical research and will expand my horizons by significantly adding to my repertoire through high-level training and exposure to current research efforts. 

In order to experience scientific topics at a deeper level, I added minors in microbiology and genetics to my biochemistry curriculum.  I also enrolled in a significant number of graduate courses that increased my interest in the organization of the immune system in relation to disease.  I became intimately familiar with experimental practices and modern research efforts through intense study of published literature and drafting both an NIH proposal on T cell receptor signaling during HTLV-1 infection and a review on lymphopoiesis during HIV-1 infection.  These past academic projects have cultivated my desire to continue participating in a high level scientific education through graduate school and have been complemented by my research experiences.

At *** University, I joined the laboratory of Dr. J in January 2014.  She and I generated a pilot project connecting past work on the JIL-1 tandem kinase loss-of-function mutations consequences to an obesity phenotype in Drosophila melanogaster.  I work independently and am responsible for engineering, troubleshooting, and performing novel experimental set ups for the JIL-1 mutant panel.  Current results from the larval buoyancy assay, starvation assays, and a capillary feeder (CAFE) assay indicate that a severe loss-of-function mutation in JIL-1 leads to increased obesity, suggesting a role for chromatin organization in the disease state.  The independent work, design of experiments, and connection to biomedical problem of the genetic basis and control of obesity bolsters my current goals of both the study of cellular regulation and signaling and contributing to the larger scientific conversation through graduate study.

I participated in the NSF REU program in microbiology at the University of ***, working with Dr. W on the connection between diversity in the gut microbiome and resistance to malarial infection.  I cultured Lactobacillus strains found in both resistant and susceptible mice and compared their 16S rRNA sequences to construct phylogenetic trees.  I was in identifying Lactobacillus rhamnosus as a potential candidate for future probiotic treatment of malarial infection.  I also sequenced and phylogenetically characterized bacteria in a yogurt concoction made to inoculate gnotobiotic mice in future testing of resistivity.  My experience at the University of *** allowed me to become proficient in several genetic and microbial techniques as well as use published literature to explain results, further piquing my interest in a high-level research career. 

I was named as a 2015 Amgen Scholar through Harvard University and worked with Dr. S at Boston Children's Hospital researching the effect bone marrow niche cell TNF receptor signaling has on hematopoietic population recovery after chemotherapy in mice.  I received intensive training in flow cytometry techniques, genetic analysis, and preparation and staining of cellular samples.  We treated TNF double knockout mice with a weight-optimized course of busulfan and cyclophosphamide to mimic nonmyeloablative chemotherapy for leukemia and analyzed the bone marrow and peripheral blood over a time period for hematopoietic population numbers.  Although the results indicated that the TNF receptors on bone marrow niche cells did not play a role in the recovery of niche cell populations, I was able to combine subject matter from my graduate level immunology and molecular signaling courses to thoroughly scour the published literature and generate new directions for future study such as hematopoietic stem cell localization experiments and characterization of the role of niche TNF receptor signaling in myelopoiesis.  This research cemented my long-standing interest in the contribution of the immune system and its signaling to diseases such as cancer, infections, and autoimmune disorders as a concrete direction for my future study.

My mentors and their research have motivated me to become a principal investigator of disease research in immunology.  My goal is to pursue a career path in scientific research that allows me to design experiments and projects to seek answers about the molecular mechanisms and consequences of immune cell regulation through signaling.  I am most interested in a position at an institution that focuses on the research of grievous disease including cancer, microbial infection, and autoimmune disorders in order to participate in the next frontier of disease research focused on the immune system as a dynamic organ. 

Graduate school will allow me to achieve my career and research goals by fostering my critical thinking abilities, scientific creativity, and immunological technique repertoire for scientific investigation.  My summer at Harvard University convinced me that the Immunology Program is an ideal program for me due to the opportunity to research at the associated medical institutions on both the Longwood Medical Area and Massachusetts General Hospital campuses with major research topics that align with my interest in immune regulation and signaling.  The laboratory of Marjorie Oettinger particularly exemplifies my choice due to her focus on immune system organization through V(D)J recombination molecular regulation.  Although she is only one of many faculty with whom I am excited to work, she is a stellar example of an innovator directly involved in important disease research of the immune system.  By earning my doctorate in immunology at Harvard University through the Immunology Program, I will be able to build on the foundation of my undergraduate academic and research experiences to achieve my goals of spearheading future research into grievous diseases such as cancer and infection.

[Crucial BBQ]

Okay, I updated it and would appreciate any further input!  It is within the length necessary for all my applications.    I tried to tighten it up.  Also, I would be 100% happy to trade edit for edit on your SOPs!

I have not always wanted to be a scientist. as a child I sometimes dreamed of changing the world by being an artist, a writer, or a doctor.  As a child I was interested in pursuing the creative arts.  This desire to create led me through many paths yet it took a high school biology course to provided the light.  However, as my scientific exposure increased and modern medical crises unfolded, I became interested in disease research.  From that moment my interests became rooted in topics of epidemiology and I am now in pursuit of a career in disease research. My creative background will be an asset to Program X at Harvard University.  Not only would my investigations have the potential to impact many lives, but I would also be able to spend my career teasing out the complexities of regulation at a molecular level.  Completion of a doctoral degree in immunology at Harvard University will catalyze a career in biomedical research and will expand my horizons by significantly adding to my repertoire through high-level training and exposure to current research efforts. 

In order to experience scientific topics at a deeper level, During college, I added minors in microbiology and genetics to my biochemistry curriculum.  I also enrolled in a significant number of graduate courses focused on that increased my interest in the organization of the immune system in relation to disease.  Here, I became intimately familiar familiarized myself with current experimental practices and modern topics in epidemiology through efforts through intense study of published critique of literature. As a project, I  drafted both an NIH proposal on T cell receptor signaling during HTLV-1 infection and a review on lymphopoiesis during HIV-1 infection.  (were these proposals submitted?)  These past academic projects have cultivated my desire to continue participating in a high level scientific education through graduate school and have been complemented by my research experiences.

At *** University, I joined the laboratory of Dr. J in January 2014.  She and I generated a pilot project This new project connected  past work on the JIL-1 tandem kinase loss-of-function mutations consequenced to an obesity phenotype in Drosophila melanogaster.  I work independently and am responsible for engineering, troubleshooting, and performing novel experimental set ups for the JIL-1 mutant designing and running the panel.  Through this research I discovered that Current results from the larval buoyancy assay, starvation assays, and a capillary feeder (CAFE) assay indicate that a severe loss-of-function mutation in JIL-1 leads to increased obesity, suggesting a role for chromatin organization in the disease state (and the significance of this is....?).  The independent work, design of experiments, and connection to biomedical problem of the genetic basis and control of obesity bolsters my current goals of both the study of cellular regulation and signaling and contributing to the larger scientific conversation through graduate study.

I participated in the NSF REU program in microbiology at the University of ***, working with Dr. W on the connection between diversity in the gut microbiome and resistance to malarial infection.  I cultured Lactobacillus strains found in both resistant and susceptible mice and compared their 16S rRNA sequences to construct phylogenetic trees.  I was in identifying Lactobacillus rhamnosus as a potential candidate for future probiotic treatment of malarial infection.  I also sequenced and phylogenetically characterized bacteria in a yogurt concoction made to inoculate gnotobiotic mice in future testing of resistivity.  My experience at the University of *** allowed me to become proficient in several genetic and microbial techniques as well as use published literature to explain results, further piquing my interest in a high-level research career.  (this paragraph is solid however I would consider tightening it up to decrease word count, maybe). 

I was named as a 2015 Amgen Scholar through Harvard University and worked with Dr. S at Boston Children's Hospital researching the effect bone marrow niche cell TNF receptor signaling has on hematopoietic population recovery after chemotherapy in mice.  I received intensive training in flow cytometry techniques, genetic analysis, and preparation and staining of cellular samples.  We treated TNF double knockout mice with a weight-optimized course of busulfan and cyclophosphamide to mimic nonmyeloablative chemotherapy for leukemia and analyzed the bone marrow and peripheral blood over a time period for hematopoietic population numbers.  Although the results indicated that the TNF receptors on bone marrow niche cells did not play a role in the recovery of niche cell populations, I was able to combine subject matter from my graduate level immunology and molecular signaling courses to thoroughly scour the critique published literature and generate new directions for future study such as hematopoietic stem cell localization experiments and characterization of the role of niche TNF receptor signaling in myelopoiesis. (yikes, long sentence but great info)  This research cemented my long-standing interest in the contribution of the immune system and its signaling to diseases such as cancer, infections, and autoimmune disorders as a concrete direction for my future study.  (Another solid paragraph but consider shortening). 

My mentors Dr. S, Dr. J., Dr. W. (it wouldn't hurt to drop names) and their research have motivated me to become a principal investigator of disease research in immunology.  My goal is to pursue a career path in scientific research that allows me to design experiments and projects to seek answers about research the molecular mechanisms and consequences of immune cell regulation through signaling.  I am most interested in a position at an institution that focuses on the research of grievous disease including cancer, microbial infection, and autoimmune disorders in order to participate in the next frontier of disease research focused on the immune system as a dynamic organ. 

Graduate school will allow me to achieve my career and research goals by fostering my critical thinking abilities, scientific creativity, and immunological technique repertoire  give me the necessary training for a career in scientific investigation.  My summer at Harvard University convinced has shown me that the Immunology Program is an ideal program for me due to the opportunity to research at the associated medical institutions on both the Longwood Medical Area and Massachusetts General Hospital campuses with major research topics that align with my interest in immune regulation and signaling.  The laboratory of Marjorie Oettinger particularly exemplifies my choice due to her focus on immune system organization through V(D)J recombination molecular regulation.  Although she is only one of many faculty with whom I am excited to work, she is a stellar example of an innovator directly involved in important disease research of the immune system.  By earning my doctorate in immunology at Harvard University through the Immunology Program, I will be able to build on the foundation of my undergraduate academic and research experiences to achieve my goals of spearheading future research into grievous diseases such as cancer and infection.

Keep in mind my corrections are only suggestions.  For clarification on the whats and whys, ask away. 

Edited October 28, 2015 by Crucial BBQ

[biochemgirl67]

Keep in mind my corrections are only suggestions.  For clarification on the whats and whys, ask away. 

So in the first paragraph, I've been trying to say that I am interested in disease research of the immune regulation/signaling because I feel that it is the next frontier in biomedical research.  I'm definitely not into epidemiology and am not sure I want to make sweeping statements about my creativity.  I want to make a statement without being too cute.  GRRRR

But I really really like the other edits.  Thank you!

[Crucial BBQ]

On October 28, 2015 at 5:28:35 PM, biochemgirl67 said:

So in the first paragraph, I've been trying to say that I am interested in disease research of the immune regulation/signaling because I feel that it is the next frontier in biomedical research.  I'm definitely not into epidemiology and am not sure I want to make sweeping statements about my creativity.  I want to make a statement without being too cute.  GRRRR

But I really really like the other edits.  Thank you!

"Epidemiology" was my thing meant to indicate that I am not rewriting your SOP for you, that is all.  

 

For your first paragraph, well, this is toughest to write.  I think the convention of writing the abstract last lends itself well to SOPs, too.  Personally, I would put the opening off for now to focus on the body and conclusion.  Once you hit all your points, and write what needs to be written, the thesis statement will become obvious.  However if you specifically attempt to make a statement, you will struggle.  Something else I find that helps well with writing; the old Zen saying:  you will find what you are looking for when you stop looking for it.