When to leave? Possibly reapply?

[casey825]

I started my PhD program a couple months ago and I hate it. The research itself seems good. There are many research projects that could be a great fit for my interests, but the quality of the school seems overall much lower than my undergrad. I was hesitant for the entire summer leading up to this. I just kept telling myself "Your reasons for being hesitant are trivial and snobby. They have research in the topics you like." but every time I got an e-mail or Facebook post or someone asking "So are you excited about going to [school & place]?" I would change the subject as quickly as possible. I did not want to remind MYSELF that I was going here. In fact, I felt physically nauseous any time I received an e-mail related to starting this program. and this instinctual aversion to the entire school has only gotten worse since I arrived. I think I could have gotten into a better school. Anytime anywhere, I can make myself cry on cue, just by thinking in my head "You will be here for the next 4-5 years."

Overall the culture of this school is so depressing that I voluntarily avoid hanging out with the other students. I do not feel lonely as in being "left out," because it is my choice not to hang out much with the group. I am good at finding entertaining things to do by myself. So the highlights of my week are watching movies, working out, or reading books by myself.

We have not yet started research. but I know that this aversion to the whole school and environment is affecting my work. It is entirely doable; in fact, it seems much simpler than my undergrad. (To be blunt, my undergrad was stronger.) I just drag myself to class and do the minimum, because I want to avoid everything related to this school. As irrational as my feelings are, I know that this will show up in the quality of my work.

I already have a Master's from a different school, so I would not be able to stay here for a Master's and then leave. I could go either way for a career in industry or academia, so I would not be letting go of a single lifelong dream of being a professor. I would like to do a PhD, but right now the thought of staying here 4-5 years sounds much worse than going through life without a PhD.

So my questions:

Ideally, I would like to leave and apply to other schools. If I decide to leave, would it be best to wait until the end of the semester, or withdraw now (before we are assigned to research groups)? (Would the timing of this depend on whether my grades here were bad, mediocre, or stellar?) How could I avoid alienating my recommenders, or getting blacklisted throughout the whole academic circle? What kind of reason could I give without sounding superficial or like a quitter? How would this affect my chances at applying to other grad schools?

Some notes on why I think these are not "normal" feelings that I will "grow out of":

*I am NOT homesick or wishing for everything to be just like home. I relish chances to travel and explore new places. I am usually the first in a group to look up new places to go, ask strangers for tips, etc. but this place is so depressing that I am always thinking to myself "This should be the time of your life, and it is a chance to tackle new challenges. So WHY are you wasting it in a place like THIS?"

*I have given hanging out with the other students a fair shot. but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go out with them, I find myself thinking "What a colossal waste of time. Casey, you should have just stayed home." I am not anti-social; I have rarely gotten this feeling in college, summer programs, or other peer groups. They are just not my type of people and I could see myself going through this entire program without making a single honest-to-goodness friend.

*I do not have cold feet about doing a PhD, or making the time commitment, and it is something I have wanted to do since high school. I love the uncertainty of research, even the seemingly impossible, frustrating parts of it. I just don't want to do it here.

Edited October 24, 2009 by casey825

[LongHours]

I think I am in a similar boat as you. I started my PhD program about 8 weeks ago. I came here to work with a specific professor that had done previous research in my area, but after working with them for two months, they are impossible to work with. They are scattered brained and cannot focus, or give me any direction. I know I cannot do 4-5 years with them and finish a dissertation, they would have me running in a new direction every week.

Anyway, from what I have heard on these forums, transferring is hard. It is damn near impossible to transfer if you don't have a letter of recommendation from the faculty at your current school. In order to get that, you need to convince them that you are not a good fit at their school, while keeping them happy. Other schools will not accept you without a letter because 1) The academic world is small and they don't want to offend colleagues by 'stealing you', and 2) They will want to know if you are quality, or if you just could not cut it at the first school. If the new school is seriously considering you, they will call people at your first school and ask about you. Not a great way for your faculty to learn that you are unhappy.

I have thought a lot about transferring, and it breaks down like this. Right now you can scramble for the next month to put together applications for next fall, but it might be tough. You mostly likely wont have transcripts from your first semester ready to send either, nor any research papers. Or, you could do an entire year at the first school. You might find cool people, and you would have a year of good grades and research papers to show for yourself. Granted, this would mean doing a second year at the first school while waiting to attend the new school (in what would be year 3) and then doing another 4-5 year PhD program (for a total of 6-7 years. This is assuming credits don't transfer, which they normally don't from what I can tell). Or you could take that year off and go back to your career and see how that goes (but who knows how the economy will be then).

As for me? I am sticking it out for now. I am meeting with the PhD program director next week to tell them that I am not pleased with the faculty member that I came to work with, and want their support in working with another faculty member that shares some of my research interest. That will send them a signal of my status, and if I want to transfer in a year, they know I was honest and upfront about my intentions and feelings from the start. Hopefully I wont upset anyone if I apply to other schools, and they will give me letters of recommendation. I will also have a year of being a research assistant, and have at least 3 working papers.

[LongHours]

I may have misspoke. I have heard from some other grad students that transferring without a letter my be possible. I am visiting another school later this week to find out from them their stance. I'll let you what I find out.

[LongHours]

Apparently you can transfer without a letter of recommendation from your current school. At least that is what I was told by the school I visited. Debating my options right now.

[ipsqq]

The first year of grad school is hard. In my top-5 social science program, no one will hold your hand or tell you what to do. You have to take all the initiative to line up professors, funding, conferences and external training. This is exactly what the rest of your career as an academic will be like. It ain't undergrad. Maybe other programs are different.

Go ahead and pull together applications and whatnot but I highly suggest getting some counseling or therapy now. It may help you differentiate between what is hard about grad school (for everyone) versus your unique situation, and help you assess whether an academic like is even appropriate for you. It is certainly not for everyone.

Academia favors the persistent, not the flighty.