Statement of Purpose Critique

[NeuroBatman]

Hi!!  I was wondering if anyone would be willing to give me some feedback regarding my statement of purpose.  Thanks!!!

 

I once dreamed of being a rock star and spent my early adulthood pursuing this goal. But music couldn’t pay the bills–yet, as the curtain closed on one dream, another began to open. From the moment I stepped into a _____ College classroom, I felt the rush of being immersed in challenging coursework. Having learned from my former academic transgressions, I was determined to prove myself, diving into strenuous classes in the natural and social sciences. I was most intrigued by courses in cognitive, social, and biological neuroscience and psychology.  Of particular interest to me is research connecting physiological theories to cognitive-behavioral ones. 

The summer after arriving at ______, I was fortunate to work alongside Dr. _____ and Dr. ______ on a research project. This experience provided me with training using X software, a high-level programming interface used for designing psychological experiments. Having worked as an independent audio engineer, I understand complex digital software platforms and immediately felt at home using X. While working with seasoned researchers was invaluable, I was eager to design my own experiments.

            Soon after, I was able to realize this goal. My junior year I investigated how personality differences influence auditory simulations during a reading task. This project allowed me to carry out research from conception to completion. Using physiological (GSR) and behavioral measures, the research enabled me to explore biological questions relating to broader theories of grounded and embodied cognition.  Later presenting my findings to fellow students and faculty, I realized how I enjoy discussing research in a formal setting. The experience bolstered my interest not only in research but also in teaching. 

            Currently, I am finishing my second research project, hypothesizing that auditory simulations rely on cortical areas associated with sound perception and interfere with one’s ability to detect deviant tones in an oddball paradigm. Co-authoring the paper, Dr. _____ is helping me publish this project. I also recently applied for the _______ fellowship, proposing an interdisciplinary research project exploring an embodied theory for infantile and childhood amnesia. Dr. _____ (College) and I are in the process of submitting a paper for publication expounding the theory. Grateful for these experiences, I look forward to the day when I will be able to assemble my own team of researchers to investigate pertinent questions in the neurosciences. I believe that a graduate education at the University of ______ will endow me with this opportunity.

            In December I will graduate with BAs in neuroscience and psychology from ______ College, and will begin working at ______ College as a research assistant in Dr. ______’s neuroimaging lab. I’m confident that the experience I garner in Dr. ______’s lab will elevate my research skills, giving me the tools needed to excel in a graduate level neuroscience laboratory. 

I have two academic and career goals: to contribute to science by conducting basic and applied research in the areas of social and cognitive neuroscience and to teach both undergraduate and graduate students. The behavioral and brain sciences concentration within (college’s) psychology department implements an educational framework concurring with both of my career pursuits. Given my educational background, including social psychology, cognitive and behavioral neuroscience, and philosophy of mind, I am well-suited for the interdisciplinary nature of the program. 

Several faculty members within the ____department are conducting research dovetailing with my interests.  For instance, I am intrigued by Dr. ______’s research exploring anthropological questions pertaining to social psychology. I was drawn to Dr. _____’s research while writing a philosophy paper which I eventually won an award for.  I am also drawn to Dr. _______’ social and affective neuroscience research. The theory I expounded in the (fellowship) proposal has the potential to provide insights into cognitive and emotional disorders. Thus, I share Dr. ______’ goal of working to better understand emotional impairments. Having spent four years as a direct-care provider for individuals with disabilities, it is clear that current interventions are insufficient. Further research is needed to develop efficacious neuropharmacological and behavioral interventions, enabling people with disabilities to live more independent and fulfilling lives.

 Given the program's broad research focus and curriculum, a doctorate in _______will move me closer to my goals, allowing the curtain to continue opening to my future. At the University of ______, I can take the next step toward my dream.

[NeuroBatman]

Anyone?

[brown_eyed_girl]

Generally, I think this fluidly written and to the point, and it sounds like you've had some great experience. I would suggest, however, rewriting the opening paragraph. I think it could make sense to discuss your nontraditional educational path somewhere in the statement, but I wouldn't spend your first paragraph on it, and the opening hook about wanting to be a rockstar doesn't really jive with the rest of your statement. I want to hear about the student you are now, not the failed musician you were in your early 20s. You are also writing about how you've overcome your earlier academic challenges in the other statement you shared here, so I wouldn't spend valuable time and space on it in your SOP. I would instead jump right in with explaining your research focus and professional goals. I'd also cut the line about how you were an audio engineer and thus felt comfortable with software -- in a short SOP, every line counts, and while this is interesting for small talk I don't think it's relevant enough to your field to spend time on in a statement of purpose.

[NeuroBatman]

Hmm . . . That's interesting advice and I don't want to be the person asking for advice who then dismisses the advice I get.  Nonetheless, I have a problem excluding information that essentially speaks to me as a person, when 99% of the essay is professional qualifications stuff.  I feel like I need that 1% speaking to where I come from.  Am I wrong in thinking this?  I've heard in so many places 'Tell them what makes you unique.'  Well, working as an audio engineer really did give me an upper hand when it comes to doing research--the two undertakings are similar in a number of ways.  To me, it is telling the committee that I can quickly learn new software programs given my experience working as an audio engineer.  Failing as a musician inspired me to divert my passion towards academia.  I hope I don't come off as snarky, but truth be told--I am pretty satisfied with the introduction.  I was more worried about the body being mundane.

[kbui]

@justinhayes1982

The good: I like the intro because it gives you some personality. You're going for humor with the "pay the bills" line, which is great. I would consider what is the field that you're applying for, and how "serious" are they? If you wanted to connect the to cognitive science and research, go with another anecdote that shows how you were curious but that curiosity along wasn't going to pay the bills. Like, "I was curious on why my sister made it a goal to pull my hair and annoy at all times--but curiosity alone couldn't solve anything, muchless pay the bills. That led me to..." As for the rest of the essay, I like that you named specific experiences that you had with your professors, and that you are looking to publish and seeking ways to further your impact on the field.

The can be changed: The essay is too disengaged from who you are as a person. An SoP should focus on what you want to do and how you're qualified, true, but it reads too robot-like. And some parts are not as well written like "I was drawn to Dr. _____’s research while writing a philosophy paper which I eventually won an award for"--which, in all honesty can be written in a more convincing and humble way. It's great that you've done your research and that they've impacted your education, but maybe writing it in a different way would be better. And the last sentence is trite and doesn't add to your SoP. Try stringing something from the beginning/middle  of your essay into the last sentence, to give it one last punch to get them nodding their heads. Also, the second to last paragraph is too scrambled. Maybe try to pick fewer professors and to hone in on your interests.

Overall I would give it:
Clarity: 7/10
Structure: 6/10
Depth: 5/10

Hope you found this useful. We're all in this together!

Edited November 19, 2015 by kbui