Feel like I'm drowning - terrified about first papers.

[florentinoariza]

Hi all.

 

I'm in my first semester in an Ivy League English program, and I'm three weeks away from submitting three 20-page papers. I'm trying really hard to put together interesting topics and do good, meaningful research, but every time I try to sit down and write I am consumed with the fear of failing. I'm 22, straight out of undergrad, in a small cohort which is mostly older students with Masters degrees already. I know I wouldn't have been accepted if I were the total idiot I actually feel like, but I'm just so, so scared of handing in these papers and getting disappointed responses and bad grades.

I can't stop catastrophizing.  There's one paper in particular, from a class that has been very challenging, that makes me feel nauseous and panicky every time I think about it. I graduated first in my class from my undergrad institution, and I'm not a horrible writer, but I've never done graduate coursework and everyone else just seems so much more competent and clever than I am. The deadlines are creeping closer and I swing from feeling confident and engaged (rarely) to paralyzed with dread (usually.) 

Any advice? 

[fuzzylogician]

It might help to keep in mind two related facts. First, class papers are assignments that you have to do to get a grade. They don't need to be a masterpiece, they just need to be good enough. Second, class papers may be the first step, but are never the last step, to doing meaningful research. Notice the may there. There will be papers that you never pursue any further, in classes or on topics that you don't care much about. That happens to everyone; it's fine and even expected. Sometimes you just do what you have to do to get the grade and pass the class. I think it's wrong and even dangerous to expect your class papers to be more than what they are intended to be; it's a recipe for psyching yourself out and freezing up, neither of which are healthy. The sooner you put class papers in perspective, the easier it'll be to invest your energy where it really counts -- in your actual research.

Writing papers always involves multiple stages of revision, getting comments and rewriting again. An inherent part of the process is that you may sometimes be unhappy with what you produce, that you'll get stuck, that you'll feel like you don't have the right words or you can't quite put them to paper yet because there is more you need to figure out first. When you work on your research, you can take that time and eventually figure it out (or not). Successful researchers I know are able to decide that the work is good enough to go out into the world, but they fully expect there to be issues and mistakes and imperfections. They deal with them as they come. When it's a class project, you just have to write up what you have in time for your deadline, and that's it. No one expect it to be perfect. 

This all said, another thing I think it is important to stress now is this: you need to stop comparing yourself to others. It's hard, but it's essential to your mental health. First off, there will always be someone faster/smarter/more whatever. It never ends. If that's what you're going for, you might as well quit now. The good news, though, is that you absolutely don't need to be the best at anything to be successful. There is room for people who are good but not the best (which is by definition, the vast majority of us). Second, remember that you can see your own internal turmoil and insecurities, but not that of others. When you compare yourself to those successful shiny people, remember that they also face their own demons and compare themselves to others too--probably to you too. Not many will admit it, but I don't know anyone, including people who I consider to be highly successful, who don't struggle with something. It's just not something we readily admit or talk about enough. Although it's not directly related, I really like this recent post so I am linking to it here: http://sasconfidential.com/2015/11/20/shadow-cv/.

[rising_star]

I second what fuzzylogician has said. I would also add the following:

• Break your papers up into smaller, more manageable steps. That is, make yourself a list of all of the tasks that need to be done (background reading, note-taking, rough draft writing, editing, revising, etc.) and then assign each a set amount of time. Limiting the time is key because when you're worried about your performance, it's easy to get mired in the reading and note-taking phases, rather than moving on to writing.
• Meet with your professors about your papers. No, they aren't going to read a whole draft for you but, through a conversation, you can get valuable feedback on your ideas and see if you're headed in a productive direction before you potentially go down a dead-end road.
• Work with your classmates, if possible. This one might be hard for you since you're comparing yourself to them. But, it might be helpful to exchange complete rough drafts with another person or two for a couple of reasons. First, because it will give you useful feedback on your writing and ideas (peer review is essential in academia). Second, it might help you with all of this comparing that you're doing because you might realize that other people are more or less where you are.

I hope this helps. You can do this, though you'll need to get out of your own way to do so.

[florentinoariza]

Thank you both very much, @fuzzylogician and @rising_star . These were really helpful, sensible replies, and you're both so sweet. I know it's all probably going to be OK, it just all seems so high-stakes at this point, which I hope will account for my very frantic tone above.

 

I need to remember that I actually have no reason to believe I'm not doing well, or any evidence for it. It's just impostor syndrome and anxiety. I'm going to take a deep breath and set to it: I've already followed a lot of the steps that you suggested, so I just need to get things moving. I'm really grateful to you both.

Edited November 30, 2015 by florentinoariza

[fuzzylogician]

8 minutes ago, florentinoariza said:

I know it's all probably going to be OK, it just all seems so high-stakes at this point, which I hope will account for my very frantic tone above.

I don't know if it helps for me to say this, but I'll say it anyway. We're talking about first-year class papers here. First semester, not even the end of the year. That's about as low stakes as they come. Don't overthink it. 

[serenade]

On November 29, 2015 at 5:54:34 PM, florentinoariza said:

I'm in my first semester in an Ivy League English program, and I'm three weeks away from submitting three 20-page papers. I'm trying really hard to put together interesting topics and do good, meaningful research, but every time I try to sit down and write I am consumed with the fear of failing. I'm 22, straight out of undergrad, in a small cohort which is mostly older students with Masters degrees already. I know I wouldn't have been accepted if I were the total idiot I actually feel like, but I'm just so, so scared of handing in these papers and getting disappointed responses and bad grades.

I can't stop catastrophizing.  There's one paper in particular, from a class that has been very challenging, that makes me feel nauseous and panicky every time I think about it. I graduated first in my class from my undergrad institution, and I'm not a horrible writer, but I've never done graduate coursework and everyone else just seems so much more competent and clever than I am. The deadlines are creeping closer and I swing from feeling confident and engaged (rarely) to paralyzed with dread (usually.) 

I don't have any useful advice here, but just wanted to say that reading this was like reading the inside of my own head for the past few weeks. As a first-year, I have nearly identical thoughts on a daily basis about all three papers, but especially about that "one paper in particular, from a class that has been very challenging, that makes me feel nauseous and panicky every time I think about it." Yep, I have one of those too. You're certainly not the only one to feel this way! 

Thanks to the above people for their advice/morale boosting etc. 

[kaykaykay]

here is a little secret:

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=469

don't worry. In grad school all your papers/ all your work is for YOU and you only. This is not a test anymore. You are totally allowed to discuss/ brainstorm these papers with your professors, with your peers. You are allowed to think about them as drafts that you can polish later if they are successful and experiments if they are not so successful. Your Professors think about them the same way. You did it, you are over the fence. 

[florentinoariza]

@serenade glad to hear I'm not the only one. We will be fine. We'll be fantastic.

 

@kaykaykay this was also so, so comforting. Being here during application/response season was such a good feeling, as the community was so warm and supportive, so thanks for keeping that going and for the great advice. The fence seems very high from the other side...