Forming relationships with Professors??

[bookofkels_]

Hi, I'm not sure if any one else has this problem, but it was an issue for me in my undergrad as well. I often see other students talking and forming good relationships with the professors in the department, but I don't know how they do it. It seems like theres so rarely any time for casual conversation or getting to know each other between classes, some of which are quite a bit bigger than I was expecting (I think there will be less of this next term, though) . In truth, haven't gone to many or the socials or get together, so I could improve on that. But even then, I default to talking to my friends who are students, and while the head of the department or the lecturers will talk to my friends, they never say anything to me. I don't know what I would even say half the time. I just know I want to have a good lasting relationship with at least one faculty member by the time I leave (and its only a one year program) because I don't have that person at my ungergrad and I really regret it.

Also, we've started our dissertations yet, that's coming next term where we will choose our topic and presumably who we're working with. Ideally, I'd form a good relationship with my mentor, and that will come naturally as we work, but that didn't happen for my in my undergrad. I was nervous and akwardly formal (and I had even gotten to work with the prof that intimidated me the least...and I was still intimidated).

So, any advice you might have would be incredibly helpful. Thank you

[TakeruK]

I know it's really hard to form relationships with professors. And I usually notice that professors form better relationships with students who are more similar to them. I think it's something that the faculty in general need to work on, to be aware of any potential unconscious biases in their interactions. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but for you to know that it's not necessarily something wrong with you either.

However, I also have more practical and more immediately useful advice! Yes, going to more socials and events will be helpful. At these events, make an effort to talk to professors instead of your friends. Think of ways that will make this fun/rewarding for you. Maybe your friends are also feeling the same way so you can all encourage each other to go up to a professor you haven't talked to before. Or, you can make it a general rule that you can't go to your friend group until you've talked to at least one professor. You can even keep each other accountable---don't let a friend join a group unless they have talked to some professors.

Note: This is a common problem that many students face, at things like conferences as well---the point of these things is to go and meet new people but it's hard to get out of our comfort zone of hanging or sitting with our friends all the time. Sometimes, everyone in the group wants to get out of their comfort zone but it takes one person saying they are going to do so to make a difference. 

Also, find help in your friends. You say that the profs do talk to some of your friends. Talk to these friends and other senior students and ask them to help introduce you next time. So, the next time your friend and your prof is standing around at a social event (e.g. a cocktail hour or something), come up to their group. If you've talked to your friend beforehand, this would be their cue to say "Oh, Professor X, have you met my friend, bookofkels_?", etc. 

Finally, I just want to say that you go from knowing very little people to knowing a ton of people very fast. Exponentially! This is because once you know one or two professors, they will likely introduce you to other professors too, etc. 

[bookofkels_]

Wow thank you! This is great advice, and very encouraging couraging as I start to put myself out there...

1 hour ago, TakeruK said:

I usually notice that professors form better relationships with students who are more similar to them.

This gives me an idea to target befriend the professor that's also a quiet female. Its good to know I'm not the only one with this issue. Thanks again.

[TMP]

I schmooze during their office hours.  Easy as that-- if they don't have another student talking to them and they're just working away, drop in and say hi!  Even if it's only 5 minutes, you'll leave an impression.  They'll know who you are and be more likely to approach you during department functions.  If you're now ABD, you should have a bit more time on your hands to visit their office hours.  Do a little research on their work and take notice of what interesting office decoration they have and make a small talk out of those things.

Building relationships take a lot of time-- they happen gradually over  time.

[bhr]

2 hours ago, TMP said:

I schmooze during their office hours.  Easy as that-- if they don't have another student talking to them and they're just working away, drop in and say hi!  Even if it's only 5 minutes, you'll leave an impression.  They'll know who you are and be more likely to approach you during department functions.  If you're now ABD, you should have a bit more time on your hands to visit their office hours.  Do a little research on their work and take notice of what interesting office decoration they have and make a small talk out of those things.

Building relationships take a lot of time-- they happen gradually over  time.

Be aware of signs that you are annoying them, however. They might not be polite enough to say something, but you can usually tell.

I think the idea of taking interest in their work or interests helps. I talk to my profs about things like craft beer, fandoms, articles I've read, ect. I have also offered to buy them coffee if they want to chat out of the office (they always refuse, but it opens the door).

One easy way is to come up with small "issues" or questions that you would like their help with. Something as simple as starting a lit review, or asking them to review a conference proposal, opens up a door to conversation. At conferences, ask them to introduce you to someone you know they've collaborated with. 

It also depends on your department culture, but I would look to see if any of the senior students are connected with faculty on social media. I am friends with most of the grad faculty on FB, and it's opened doors to lighthearted conversations both online and IRL. (That said, I'm in a department where faculty often join us for drinks, or have advisees over for meals, or have class dinners at their homes. I have met probably all my profs' spouses, and most of their kids).

[PoliticalOrder]

The best way is to target professors, take their classes, do well in them, and visit their office hours frequently. If you are not taking advantage of professors' office hours at least a couple of times a month then you will not develop strong relationships with professors it is as simple as that. It's very common for people to complain about how it is hard to make relationships with professors but yet they never once went to their office hours.

For example, this past semester I just started at a new institution...I had a professor targeted that is both very important to the department, well connected, and publishes a lot in my field. I took his class and put in a lot of effort and went to his office hours almost every week. First week I dropped in to ask about what he expects from the writing assignments, the next week I went in to talk about my ideas of a paper, the next week I went in to ask for advice on writing an abstract for a conference, the next week I went in to talk about another assignment, the next week I went in to ask about more questions for presenting at conferences, then the next week I asked a specific question about one of the readings and a professor who wrote the book, ect. ect. I did so well in his class that he offered to write me a LOR and work as an RA at the end of the semester. Professors like students that show initiative and are looking for guidance and work hard in their classes. 

You don't need to have small talk or find common interests to make an impression, just talk about your/their research, assignments, being a better academic, and anything that is involved with that.

[Dropit]

I'd avoid it like the plague. I know it happens at every university around the world, I just wouldn't risk it while trying to build a professional reputation.