help me rephrase a fractious phrase!

[melusine]

hey all!

please help..

I have three term papers due next week and brain just shut down.

I have this awesome sentence introducing the fit paragraph in my sop.. except it's not that awesome- yet. But i really like the last part, and i do want to say all the things i say.

can anyone find a better/less awkward way to phrase this??

With the presence of Professors Tweedledee and Tweedledum, whose research interests greatly complement my own, and that of other notable scholars engaged with jabberwockian thought, I believe Bleep University can offer me a great range of academic support for such work.

[i especially hate "the presence of" but just "with Prof.." sounds even more ungrammatical] help!

[mudlark]

With the presence of Professors Tweedledee and Tweedledum, whose research interests greatly complement my own, and that of other notable scholars engaged with jabberwockian thought, I believe Bleep University can offer me a great range of academic support for such work.

I would put the important phrase first, take out some extra words, and split it in two:

"I believe Bleep University can offer excellent academic support for my work. The research of Professors Tweedledee and Tweedledum, as well as other notable scholars engaged with jabberwockian thought, has strong links to my own."

I took out "greatly complement" because it sounds like the professors' work is a kind of secondary supplement to yours in that phrasing.

Are you applying to the Dept. of Jabberwocky studies? Cause then you could drop the section about other Jabberwockians and just go with:

"The research of Professors Tweedledee and Tweedledum has strong links to my own. As a result, I believe Bleep University can offer excellent academic support for my work."

[LateAntique]

hey all!

please help..

I have three term papers due next week and brain just shut down.

I have this awesome sentence introducing the fit paragraph in my sop.. except it's not that awesome- yet. But i really like the last part, and i do want to say all the things i say.

can anyone find a better/less awkward way to phrase this??

With the presence of Professors Tweedledee and Tweedledum, whose research interests greatly complement my own, and that of other notable scholars engaged with jabberwockian thought, I believe Bleep University can offer me a great range of academic support for such work.

[i especially hate "the presence of" but just "with Prof.." sounds even more ungrammatical] help!

You're using too many filler adjectives. They get the fact that they're great. I would say something like, "My research interests would be furthered by working with Prof. X and Y. on ________________________." Simple, to the point, and it still gets what you're trying to say across. I also agree with mudlark that saying their interests complement yours sounds a bit like their interests are subordinate to your own.

[melusine]

Thank you guys, this is awesome!

and mudlark, there is, sadly, no department of Jabberwockian studies.

However, the work of Jabber W Jabberwock, especially in terms of jabberwockyist phenomenology and jabberwockics is fundamental to my (and many other ppls') research in literature of a certain period. That's why the presence of one or more Jabberwockyists, even outside my literature department, is a big plus in determining my fit in a school. Who knows, perhaps I am a budding Jabberwockyist myself aching to reinstate Jabberwockianism in contemporary thought and make the honourable Jabber W himself proud!

[mudlark]

Thank you guys, this is awesome!

and mudlark, there is, sadly, no department of Jabberwockian studies.

However, the work of Jabber W Jabberwock, especially in terms of jabberwockyist phenomenology and jabberwockics is fundamental to my (and many other ppls') research in literature of a certain period. That's why the presence of one or more Jabberwockyists, even outside my literature department, is a big plus in determining my fit in a school. Who knows, perhaps I am a budding Jabberwockyist myself aching to reinstate Jabberwockianism in contemporary thought and make the honourable Jabber W himself proud!

Awesome.

I currently find myself planning a dissertation on Jabberwocky ressurection, and wonder if it's worthwhile having a Jabberwocky slayer (aka, a 'beamish boy') on my committee, the better to learn how to defend the creatures.

[melusine]

Awesome.

I currently find myself planning a dissertation on Jabberwocky ressurection, and wonder if it's worthwhile having a Jabberwocky slayer (aka, a 'beamish boy') on my committee, the better to learn how to defend the creatures.

those are some seriously dangerous waters you're treading there, mudlark!

i'm paranoid to the point that i'm scared to mention any research done by a prof more than five years ago, for fear that they've changed their focus/mind/baseball team since then.. but best of luck to you.. i'll be the first to yell callooh, callay, should you succeed!

[peppermint.beatnik]

I think this should be more than one sentence. My supervisor always says 1 idea per sentence.