Dealing with anxiety and depression during PhD-thinking of quitting

[True_life]

Hi everyone,

I am one of many PhD students that are depressed. I am an international student doing a PhD far away from home (in another continent), I started an year and half ago. Things were normal for the first year but now it's a mess. Firstly, I feel I am not in the right Department: my supervisor can supervise people in different departments and he puts me there just because he didn't have funding and that was the only one offering TAing, therefore I fell extremely incompetent and dumb compared with the other students. I really think they did not check deeply my background when they admitted meand my research is not really related with what other people do there. I have also a cosupervisor that is a kind of nightmare. Anyway, in this period I feel incredibly depressed, sometimes I found myself thinking about suicide (not in a serious way, I mean I just think of that but I never actually planned to do it). I am overloaded with an incredible amount of work and courses that are really difficult because not related with my background. In particular, I feel like I will fail the finals and I will be kicked out of grad school, losing my study permit and wasting all the sacrifices I have done so far. My family is far as well as my girlfriend ( we are together for a really long time) and this is destroying me. I tried to talk with my supervisors about my difficulties but they seem like they don't understand or they don't care. I am on therapy now with a psychologist and the doctor told me I have mild depression, so she prescribed Efexor but I didn't start yet because I am scared of  the side effects especially now that we are on finals' period. I also don't have a lot of supportive friends here to talk about that. I am in a really bad situation and I am really thinking of quitting or just wait until they will kick me out. To be honest, my research was pretty good before this period, I published some papers and recently got a small award of which I am proud, but I cannot feel any satisfaction anymore. I am really scared of what my life will be if I fail, like I will not be able to find a job back in my country or apply for another program. Anyone else here had a similar situation before?

[fuzzylogician]

True_life, I moved your post to the Officially Grads forum, which is more appropriate for the content. If you browse the forum (using the search function) you will discover that you are absolutely not alone. More later. 

[ravyn]

I really wish I could help.

I don't know what your school offers, but it would be great if they had some established social support/group counseling. Of course, I am not a psychologist and I simply don't know your situation that well ...so I don't know what you really need, but I know that when I am feeling that low, I really need someone else to help me think differently and provide practical input. I like it when someone understands my concerns and won't just suggest medicine (unless most other things aren't working or something). But that is just me.

Hang in there no matter what you decide to do in your program, though!

[Need Coffee in an IV]

Btw I'm not sure how useful my advice would be, but I would like to help. Have you thought about leaving with a masters and reapply to a PhD program later? This way you could take time to get your depression really under control? I know that may not be a good solution since you are on a visa. My boyfriend has depression and he realized grad school wasn't for him. You shouldn't put yourself through mental anguish. There's no shame in mental illness, quitting something that is causing you emotional distress, or just examining all your options. We don't shame cancer patients, so please don't be hard on yourself! Maybe ask if you could take a leave of absence and come back refresh? Don't be afraid to talk more about it!

[oroanthro]

Hi True_Life,

First, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this depression and anxiety. You are not alone. This does not mean that what you are experiencing is inconsequential, but it does mean there are people, professionals and otherwise, who have experience and are willing to help. I am not a therapist, but I do believe that there is such thing as finding the "right" therapist. Is yours only giving you pills? Is he or she listening to you?

Whatever you do, don't dwell on what has happened. We can't change the past and we can't know the future--we can only work with the present moment. If you feel the urge to dwell and feel yourself spiraling down, do something else! Call your girlfriend, go for a walk, pick up that article you've been meaning to read or brainstorm a list of possible solutions and write them all down, no matter how crazy. 

I'm not a doctor! I encourage you to keep seeing professionals and to reach out to a hotline ( I just googled it--1-800-273-TALK) if you are feeling suicidal. This situation is temporary and it is salvageable--it's never worth your life.