Looking for Criticism on my IR SoP

[thombo]

I posted this earlier on the "Statement of Purpose" forum, but I'm hoping for some criticism from those with interests and experience in IR.

Please tear this thing apart. It's my first draft and I know I have a ways to go. Don't hold back!

Thanks in advance.

______

I wish I could say that applying to the [program] is something I've always dreamed of. It is not. Rather, my interest in [the field] graduate programs and pursuing a career in [x] has grown and evolved substantially over time. Three experiences in particular have shaped my immediate and long term aspirations. While each is listed in my resumé, to truly understand their influence it is imperative to understand how each has complemented the others, offering me varied perspectives and unique insights, all of which, in aggregate, will allow me to contribute to and benefit from the [program]

The three experiences to which I refer are: conducting my honors-thesis research on [subject of paper]; working in [in a foreign country]; and working in my [current job]. Researching and writing my undergraduate honors thesis provided an introduction to the concepts and issues at play for a developing country looking to attract investment from multi-national corporations. I analyzed the determining factors in a company’s decision to invest in a foreign market, and most importantly, I examined the [other important areas relevant to my graduate studies]. My research left me with a desire to explore these issues further via first-hand experience working [abroad].

Working [abroad] served a dual purpose. On the one hand, I gained direct, practical experience [living and working abroad] and using my [skill set] in a professional setting. More importantly, however, my time [abroad] provided real life verification of the issues I explored in my thesis. I had written in largely conceptual terms [about my subject]. Now I was witnessing for myself the real positive consequences [of what I'd written about]. I was personally instructing students in advanced English communication skills and placing them in well paying high-tech jobs at major multi-national corporations. I heard directly from these students, who were pursuing extra-curricular education at their own cost, of how they hoped to build their communicative and technical skill-sets, work for companies such as [ACME, inc and Widgets-R-Us], and use the training, experience and credibility garnered from working at these companies to branch out on their own and start their own companies. It was this experience, seeing first-hand [what I had researched], that invigorated my interest in the topics I addressed in my research and convinced me to pursue a job working [at what I want to do post-grad shcool].

Over the past two years [in my current job] I have gained exposure to the variety of issues facing a global corporation; I have confronted the [x] and engaged [y]. I worked with the [public] officials to bring attention to a [a business problem]. I conducted outreach to [various orgs] to help [a business opportunity]. And for the past several months I have directed [a really cool initiative relevant to my grad school studies]. But for all the excellent opportunities this job has given me, it has also introduced me to the frustrations and limitations of [my current position]. The reality is that [there are certain things that have made me want to change chourse]. I have realized over the last two years that my true interests lie in [doing what I would hope I could do after getting my degree].

The global economic system is dynamic and complex, and the roles of public and private stakeholders in this system are becoming increasingly more interrelated. It is precisely at this nexus of government and industry that I intend to build my career. I have benefited from a diverse set of experiences that have introduced me to the concepts, complexities, and major actors inherent to this system. I realize, however, that to play a key role [doing what I want to do] will require at once a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of the variables and forces impacting this system.

With courses that address both [A] topics such as [x y and z] as well as topics such as [P and Q], the [master's program] represents a recognition that a successful practitioner in [my field of interest] requires a breadth of understanding that spans the public and private sectors. It is evident that [the program] appeals to my career goals, and I am confident that the program is an exacting complement to my professional and academic experiences. I look forward to the opportunity to contribute to the program’s dialogue and discourse.

Edited December 3, 2009 by bgk
Anonymization

[cmnt29]

Criticism?

I'm going to write this nicer than i did before: I do not recommend posting this stuff on an open forum to be ripped off, read, and traced back to you by the adcom.

My 2 cents

Edited December 3, 2009 by cmnt29

[thombo]

Criticism?

I'm going to write this nicer than i did before: I do not recommend posting this stuff on an open forum to be ripped off, read, and traced back to you by the adcom.

My 2 cents

Wow. Hadn't considered that to be a legitimate concern but if it is, any idea how to repeal a topic?

[Batignolles]

While I'm not sure that overworked adcoms have the time to google each applicant's admission materials, or that people on this board are malicious enough to plagiarize other people's written material, it might be better to arrange for an exchange of personal statements with someone on the board. That way you can both help each other, and your material isn't out there for any possible abuse!

[greendiplomat]

While I'm not sure that overworked adcoms have the time to google each applicant's admission materials, or that people on this board are malicious enough to plagiarize other people's written material, it might be better to arrange for an exchange of personal statements with someone on the board. That way you can both help each other, and your material isn't out there for any possible abuse!

While I don't think people on this board are malicious enough, someone with not-so-admirable motives could easily come across this thread with a google search for "IR SoP" or something (after all, you don't need to be a registered user to see posts). Dunno.

... and I'm not an expert, thombo (people who've already been admitted might be a better source of advice), it seems like a good SoP!

[cmnt29]

You scrubbed the actual post well enough that it doesn't reveal any info about you, just wanted to bring that to light.

That said, it seems like a good start. on the school specific one I would expand on:

-info about why that school (just like you would do in a cover page when applying for a job) beyond the coursework. Why is the curriculum, location, alumni network, internship opportunities, etc., so great about school X or Y that you are willing to spend $120K and two years there. which leads into....

-as i think you started to write, but may have edited out, a specific reference to where you want to work afterwards and what you want to do there. I have no real insight here, but think that much of the reason they admit someone is their focus to find that job in the short two-year timeline. So what types of jobs will you be looking for, and how will the school enable you to become more qualified for those jobs.

- And maybe a bit on why you will be a great and UNIQUE addition to that will CONTRIBUTE to the classroom discussion and DIVERSITY.

Good luck.

[Leica]

I'd cut the first two sentences and the "rather" at the beginning of the third and just lead with how your interests have grown and evolved over time. The first two sentences don't really add anything to your SOP, but the use of negatives may detract from your message.

[greendiplomat]

I'd cut the first two sentences and the "rather" at the beginning of the third and just lead with how your interests have grown and evolved over time. The first two sentences don't really add anything to your SOP, but the use of negatives may detract from your message.

I actually disagree with this one. I think the first two sentences give your SoP a nice narrative framework that makes it a lot more personal and a lot less laundry-list-of-experiences. Just my 2 cents.