Critique my SOP

[madiyaan]

I am applying to Stanford EECS program for 2010. The deadline is next week.

Here is my SOP:

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfh64ktv_127gsb38ggj

Critique and let me know accordingly.

Thanks,

[Slorg]

Nice essay.

I particularly like your introduction (with the exception, perhaps of the last sentence, which could be maybe be reworded better).

The second and third paragraphs I think are a little vague/cliche, and don't add much value to the SOP. The program for your sibling in high school probably isn't significant enough to include (or, if it is, illustrate why) and its connection to helping humanity is strained.

The final four paragraphs are much stronger, although there seems to be lots of telling and not so much showing (but I'm terrible at the show, don't tell thing so I don't what advice to give you there).

Your conclusion is also good, tying into the introduction and your goals and how Stanford fits into them.

One last thought: you talk about working with Prof X, Y, and Z. Maybe that 'and' should be an 'or' so it doesn't seem as presumptuous.

Hope this helps! (Even though it's vague)