Please critique the below essay

[AnkitaNaik1990]

Hi!

I am preparing for GRE and below is an Issue essay that I could come up with in 30 minutes. I know that its not great and I need to work a lot on my word usage and sentence formation. I was hoping that you would be kind enough to read my essay and provide feedback. Thanks in advance!:

Question:

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Response Essay:

I disagree with the proposed statement. I believe that technology can help mankind when used for the betterment of mankind. Advancements in technology have helped mankind grow in all fields, may it be defence, science or commerce. The virtues of technology outdo its negatives.

Technology can help man carry out mundane redundant tasks. Say there is a toothpaste production factory and one of the final tasks is to fix the cap on the head of the toothpaste tube. This task can be quite repetitive. If a human is allocated this work, then he will surely lose patience at some point of time. By replacing the human by a robot, this task can be achieved at a much faster rate. Similarly, complex machines can help carry out tasks which may not be possible by man such as manufacturing a car.

On a similar vein, advanced computers can also help researchers solve complex algorithms with precision. Without the help of computers, this process would be time consuming which can be detrimental to a researcher’s work which tends to be time bound.

However, there can be instances when technology can be a bane as well. Taking the context of today’s world, children tend to be tech-savvy at a very young age. Although the internet can be a vast source of knowledge, unrestricted access can also be detrimental. It can also lead to a redundant lifestyle. Some severe cases can also lead to physical and mental health issues such as poor vision, back and neck related problems.

In conclusion, technology can be helpful to society when used it is used appropriately and with the right intentions.

[Sketchitar]

41 minutes ago, AnkitaNaik1990 said:

 

I disagree with the proposed statement. I believe that technology can help mankind when used for the betterment of mankind. Advancements in technology have helped mankind grow in all fields, may it be defence, science or commerce. The virtues of technology outdo its negatives.

(Over use of mankind, spelled defense wrong.)

Technology can help man carry out mundane redundant (redundant, as in "the tallest giant," or as in "everyday, repetitive tasks") tasks. Say there is a toothpaste production factory and one of the final tasks is to fix the cap on the head of the toothpaste tube. This task can be quite repetitive. If a human is allocated this work, then he will surely lose patience (everyone get's bored at their work, why does it matter if toothpaste cap guy does? And what does this have to do with humans and dependent thought?) at some point of time. By replacing the human by a robot, this task can be achieved at a much faster rate. Similarly, complex machines can help carry out tasks which may not be possible by man such as manufacturing a car. (People definitely manufacture cars. That's how they were put together before the big machines; people have hard time doing things like cutting the materials perfectly each time. Go google Ford + assembly line.And what does this have to do with humans and independent thought?)

 

On a similar vein, advanced computers can also help researchers solve complex algorithms with precision. Without the help of computers, this process would be time consuming which can be detrimental to a researcher’s work which tends to be time bound. (why? what kind of research? why is the research getting done by a certain time important? why can't by-hand math be done instead? what does this have to do with people forming their own thoughts?)

 

However, there can be instances when technology can be a bane as well. Taking the context of today’s world, children tend to be tech-savvy at a very young age. Although the internet can be a vast source of knowledge, unrestricted access can also be detrimental. It can also lead to a redundant (you keep using this word, I don't think it means what you think it means) lifestyle. Some severe cases can also lead to physical and mental health issues such as poor vision, back and neck related problems. (None of these are mental problems. Many of the issues with kids and tech that are physical can be fixed--poor upper body strength, being overweight, etc. Using tech like this as a kid has no barring on mental health unless you don't also socialize your kid. It can actually help kids with intellectual and speech disabilities.And what does this have to do with humans and independent thought? )

 

In conclusion, technology can be helpful to society when used it is used appropriately and with the right intentions. (And what does this have to do with humans and independent thought?)

 

There are some issues with this; I think what you should do it take more than the 30 minutes in the beginning when you're practicing for these essays so you can get used to answering the questions well. As you get used to that, start timing yourself. Also, maybe write for a set time every day--write anything, just get used to writing and feeling what writing for 30 minutes is like. You have some good thoughts, but you don't really expand on any of them enough to form a complete argument.

The question is  the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate, but you don't address the "humans ability to think for themselves," you talk about manufacturing and factory work. You aimed for the question, but you hit a little to the left of it. Really think about it--what impact does technology and all it's implications (globalization, AI, mob mentality on social media, having the internet teach our kids, etc) have on us and how we think? A good place to get ideas for that is old 50s-80s science fiction--The Man Who Evolved, The Twilight Zone show, even the Cybermen from Doctor Who, who rely on technology to the point of getting rid of human emotion so they always make rational choices. Get in the habit of asking these kinds of questions to yourself--question everything, believe nothing outright, and make connections from what you read to what you see in the world around you.

[juanmesh]

@Sketchitar That's the way the rest of the world spells defense :). I believe the GRE accepts both variants.

[Sketchitar]

Why did we mutilate the English language? I swear Americans are why learning English can so difficult for people, we spell it all differently than the rest of the English speaking world. Thank you @juanmesh!

[juanmesh]

5 hours ago, Sketchitar said:

Why did we mutilate the English language? I swear Americans are why learning English can so difficult for people, we spell it all differently than the rest of the English speaking world. Thank you @juanmesh!

Haha. Your spellings are generally easier though: -or as in color, odor; -og as in dialog, catalog in terms of how the words are pronounced. I think the differences are not your fault; it just happens that right after the different standards emerged, the British taught a particular set of spellings to everyone they colonised. And English remains relatively easy in comparison to most languages. For one, it has no tones - the same word pronounced in many different ways still has only one meaning.

Edited April 27, 2016 by juanmesh
grammar