When to walk away from your SoP

[Lauren the Librarian]

Background information: I have HUGE deficiencies in my writing. Due to a combination of my writing weaknesses and financial struggles, I avoided many, many papers in college by simply taking a zero and getting a C in the class. All this is finally biting me in the butt.

I got my SoP reviewed by a writing tutor, the career center, a professional writer, a friend that has a degree in writing, and two educated friends (who wrote a lot in college). They all agree my SoP is logical, clear, specific, and interesting/fascinating. They give it an A- because although it is good, the sentence structure is repetitive and boring, i.e."I did this. I did that. I hope to work with Professor XX. I want this. I will do that."

The deadline is 4 days away. They are telling me to submit it as is. I am torn because on one hand, I'm probably not a strong enough writer to rework all those sentences in four days. But on the other hand, it just kills me to not try. I still care about the statement, but I feel totally disconnected from my own words.

It is a competitive program that accepts less than 1 in 4 applicants. My GRE is above average(compared to admitted applicants for the program), my GPA slightly below average. LoR's are iffy(good recommendations from people that don't know me very well). I have decided that if I don't get in, I'll apply again next year.

On the plus side, this experience has been so great because it's really the first time I've ever wrote and revised anything I cared about. I've identified my many weaknesses as a writer that I can work to improve upon.

So, when is it okay to just "walk away" from the SoP?

[repatriate]

As someone who has had similar problems in writing (started in high school when I refused to write an essay for an exam, even after being given a special second opportunity), I would strongly recommend you make at least some revisions. But set small goals and keep reminding yourself that you have what is already a strong essay; the changes you are making are just extra steps. Try to remove as much of the pressure as possible.

For example, you might decide to do 1 pass each day up until you hand it in. Every time, just have a goal to edit 1 sentence in every other paragraph. At the end of the four days, you will have changed 2 sentences in each paragraph and you will have broken up the monotony of the structure so that it no longer stands out as a feature.

You could also make a list of standard ways to revise sentence structure (e.g., combining two simple sentences into complex or compound sentences, changing passive/active voice, using introductory phrases and clauses, etc.) to use as a reference to help you identify sentences that can more easily be reworked.

[Lauren the Librarian]

You could also make a list of standard ways to revise sentence structure (e.g., combining two simple sentences into complex or compound sentences, changing passive/active voice, using introductory phrases and clauses, etc.) to use as a reference to help you identify sentences that can more easily be reworked.

I've been reading every available website about how to do that. The trouble is that isn't exactly my problem. I've been a quick study with introductory phrases and clauses (but sometimes the subject gets lost being so far away) and I can do compound sentences (two independent clauses become one long sentence). I guess where the real trouble comes in is that 80% of my independent clauses, I am the subject. Me. "I". And it gets boring. It's a personal statement, yes. I've been looking at changing some of my sentences in to the passive so the subject doesn't have to be me. From "I find it interesting" to "It is interesting." I've been rethinking how to frame the actions, too, from "I hope I can learn about xyz" to "The program will teach me about xyz."

And I totally agree about taking it one or two sentences at a time. I probably only need to change 5 or 6 to make it less monotonous. (There are 771 words in the "final" draft). But for every change I make, I will have to have it read by someone else because 1)I am so disconnected from my words I don't even understand the thing anymore and 2)I have no idea what would be correct anyway.

Based on what I have written now, it's a really strong SoP and everyone thinks I have a really good chance of getting in. But's it not the A+ I want. I'm thinking that to "take the pressure off" I should just submit the thing, and then rework it over the next few weeks and have a different writing tutor evaluate it since it'll be a virgin viewing for them and they can tell me what they think. That way I'm not cheating myself as a writer, but I'm not over reaching on the SoP.

[repatriate]

I've been reading every available website about how to do that. The trouble is that isn't exactly my problem. I've been a quick study with introductory phrases and clauses (but sometimes the subject gets lost being so far away) and I can do compound sentences (two independent clauses become one long sentence). I guess where the real trouble comes in is that 80% of my independent clauses, I am the subject. Me. "I". And it gets boring. It's a personal statement, yes. I've been looking at changing some of my sentences in to the passive so the subject doesn't have to be me. From "I find it interesting" to "It is interesting." I've been rethinking how to frame the actions, too, from "I hope I can learn about xyz" to "The program will teach me about xyz."

And I totally agree about taking it one or two sentences at a time. I probably only need to change 5 or 6 to make it less monotonous. (There are 771 words in the "final" draft). But for every change I make, I will have to have it read by someone else because 1)I am so disconnected from my words I don't even understand the thing anymore and 2)I have no idea what would be correct anyway.

Based on what I have written now, it's a really strong SoP and everyone thinks I have a really good chance of getting in. But's it not the A+ I want. I'm thinking that to "take the pressure off" I should just submit the thing, and then rework it over the next few weeks and have a different writing tutor evaluate it since it'll be a virgin viewing for them and they can tell me what they think. That way I'm not cheating myself as a writer, but I'm not over reaching on the SoP.

Just some thoughts based on your example sentences. Consider revising the sentences by enhancing them rather than simply rephrasing them. I realize that your examples might not reflect actual sentences in your statement, but consider changes like the following:

• I did this. --> Doing this taught me about . . .
  
• I did that. --> While doing that, I realized . . .
  
• I hope to work with Professor XX. --> Working with Professor X would be an excellent match because . . .
  
• I want this. --> This would further enhance the skills in Y I developed while at Institution Z.
  
• I will do that. --> By doing that, I will contribute to the existing scholarship in . . .
  
• I hope I can learn about xyz. --> Learning about xyz under the supervision of Professor X would the perfect preparation for my career as . . .
  

By creating complex sentences like these, you might be able to combine sentences you already have.

Best of luck with your admissions whatever you decide.

Edited December 11, 2009 by repatriate

[kobie]

I used the following basic ideas to vary the sentence construction:

1/ Combine short sentences into a compound one, using and, but, or, so.

2/ Use prepositional phrases. You can change the preposition positions

Ex: With my science background, I belive...

Or I belive I will... with my science background.

Or in some cases, you can even try to use the inversion structure with the preposition.

Ex: Not until ... did I find out...

3/ Use as many conjunctions as possible like when, although, however, ... and vary the sentence structure by changing their position.

Like you can place "when" either at the beginning or in the middle of the sentence.

Instead of using "although" at the beginning of one sentnece, you can use "though" either in the middle or at the end.

4/ Use V-ing when the subject is the same.

This my favorite.

I also often use past participles to reduce the passive clause that follows.

I guess that's all how I vary the sentence patterns in an essay. Hope that helps.

[Lauren the Librarian]

Thanks for the advice! It got me motivated and gave me some ideas how to fix my problem.

I decided to submit it as-is because the stress is just too much at this point. However, I then ordered a pizza, turned the music up real loud and soon discovered creativity comes easier for me when I'm not stressed. I have reworked 6 sentences. I really like the revision of the opening sentences for my intro and conclusion. The other ones I'm not so sure about.

Opening sentence:

Original: I am applying for the Master’s degree in x Studies program in order to begin a guided examination of the causes of xyz.

Revised: For me, the Master's degree in the x Studies program is the beginning of a guided examination of the causes of xyz.

Background info:

Original: I was a little disappointed when I learned xyz.

Revised: Learning xyz was disappointing.

Fit paragraph:

Original: I would also like to utilize my undergraduate training in xyz in deconstructing zyx.

Revised: My undergraduate training in xyz will ease in deconstructing zyx.

Original: I wish to pursue study of xyz.

Revised: Related interests of mine include study of xyz.

Original: I wish to work with faculty members such as X, Y, and Z while integrating xyz.

Revised: Receiving guidance from faculty members such as X, Y, and Z will be welcomed involvement while integrating xyz.

First sentence of conclusion:

Original: I was attracted to [the School] for graduate study because of xyz.

Revised: xyz is what attracted me to [the School] for graduate study.

I'm fairly confident that my statement would read better if I made the changes to the intro and conclusion. Any opinions?

Thanks again, you guys have been helpful!

[peppermint.beatnik]

Leave out the "is" on your last revision. It sounds better + active writing over passive always better.

[jacib]

Leave out the "is" on your last revision. It sounds better + active writing over passive always better.

I hate the whole "the passive should always be avoided" hogwaddle. It's weird, it's such a (North?) American thing. My English roommate says he never heard the whole anti-passive spiel until he came to America for University. It's ridiculous, my old man is a professor and he's gotten articles back from peer review with notes like "take out this passive voice" and he'll have to write "actually, that's the present perfect progressive..." Anyway, take a look back at your Strunk & White. Look at the section on passive: four examples are given, only one is actually the passive voice. [see in that sentence, I was allowed by the passive voice to set up a more elegant parallel (four.. only one) than the "the book gives four examples, but only one is actually the passive the voice"]

Peppermint.beatnik, the revision of the last sentence is not the passive voice (though her original sentence was). The revision is an active sentence with a noun clause ("what attracted me"). Though I agree, Lauren, you could revise your revision, if you wanted to. That particular kind of noun clause is often unnecessary and just adds extra words:

Original: I was attracted to [the School] for graduate study because of xyz.

Revised: xyz is what attracted me to [the School] for graduate study.

Possible revision (a): xyz strongly attracts me to [this school] for graduate study.

Possible revision (: [This school's] strength in xyz initially drew my attention.

Another possible revision, your sentence "Learning xyz was disappointing" would probably be stronger if combined with the next sentence (whatever that might be), "While learning xyz was disappointing, I...(did something positive! yeah!)"

Edited December 12, 2009 by jacib

[ColorlessGreen]

Fit paragraph:

Original: I would also like to utilize my undergraduate training in xyz in deconstructing zyx.

Revised: My undergraduate training in xyz will ease in deconstructing zyx.

"Ease" doesn't really work here. It's transitive, so it needs a direct object, which you don't have. Really, I'd suggest using a different word entirely. Maybe you could say "will assist me in deconstructing xyz" or "gives me the background I need to deconstruct xyz."

Original: I wish to work with faculty members such as X, Y, and Z while integrating xyz.

Revised: Receiving guidance from faculty members such as X, Y, and Z will be welcomed involvement while integrating xyz.

The phrase "will be welcomed involvement while integrating xyz" is somewhat grating; maybe "will be of great help to me in integrating xyz" or "could offer me new perspective on how to integrate xyz." Also (and since these are just excerpts you may have already done this), you might want to expand on why those specific faculty members would be so helpful to you, and what specific contributions they could make.

[jacib]

Yo, just to point out something which just occurred to me while reading ColorlessGreen's good advice that I'm sure the other two of the three latest posters feel :

Your revisions are huge improvements over the original and definitely make it more interesting. I hope you don't feel like we're unnecessarily criticizing. Keep improving it and it will have the good content of the original, with an improved, sleek form.

[ColorlessGreen]

Your revisions are huge improvements over the original and definitely make it more interesting. I hope you don't feel like we're unnecessarily criticizing. Keep improving it and it will have the good content of the original, with an improved, sleek form.

Oh, definitely. It's always good to vary the sentence structure to keep your readers' attention, and you're doing a good job of that. Your rephrasing also seems to be making the SOP more specific, which is great. There are just a few things that could be even better.