Tear apart my EE SOP!

[Slorg]

Hello, my friends. I am in the middle of a writing a statement of purpose for PhD programs in electrical engineering.

Please do your best to tell me what you dislike. Be specific. Be unrelenting. Be honest. Be forthright. Be as helpful as you can, knowing that I'm a metaphorical ankylosaurus, with a layer of thick armor protecting my feelings and insecurities.

Specifically, I'm wondering how to best phrase the introduction (which sucks now, since it's the last two sentences cut from my older, suckier introduction). I'm also wondering if there are inconsistencies in voice and background info, and whether I do too much telling, and where I should elaborate more, and where I can cut unnecessary chaff.

Thanks for any feedback you give!

Here is my draft:

My dual passion for deeply understanding fundamental physical phenomena and for using that understanding to design useful devices has strongly influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering. I am particularly attracted to MIT’s energy research, an area where I have a significant background.

I got my first taste of energy research in 2007, when I had the privilege of working for Professor Joe Schmo on the ASDF Project (A Stupid DeFinition). As part of a team of students, I helped build, program, and install a wireless network of solar-powered weather sensors across campus. An immediate goal for the sensor network was improving campus energy efficiency by exploiting local weather conditions: by feeding real-time data from the sensors into UCSD’s energy management system, we enabled UCSD to more intelligently heat and cool its 11 million square feet of facilities, saving the campus energy, water, and money.

A second goal of the ASDF sensor network was to characterize the temporal and spatial variability of solar radiation. I learned that understanding the variability of solar radiation on partly cloudy days is critical to predicting and managing the negative effects of solar power on the electric grid. This, along with the fact that the sensor stations were solar powered, led me to my next research interest in solar cells, of which I’m very proud.

In 2008 as a QWER Summer Scholar, I began researching third generation solar cell concepts with Professor Jil Schmil at the UCSD Nanostuff Laboratory. Professor Schmil and I were particularly interested in using computer models to gain insight into how various parameters of core-shell nanowires (such as length, width, core-shell ratio, etc.) affected the optical properties of core-shell nanowire solar cells. Our investigation built upon MIT Professor Gang Chen’s 2007 paper on nanowire solar cells, and I had the pleasure of briefly corresponding with him.

Working that summer on finite-element simulations allowed me to see firsthand how the physics equations from my courses were applied to actual research problems. I also learned how to teach myself from technical papers, a skill I’ve found beneficial ever since. And at the end of the summer, I gained valuable technical presentation skills by presenting my results on core-shell nanowire absorption at poster sessions and in an online video.

The high quality of my work over the summer caused Professor Schmil to invite me back to work in his lab during the school year. During this period, I calculated theoretical efficiencies of core-shell nanowire and quantum well solar cells. I also trained one of Professor Yu’s new graduate students, who joined me in performing these calculations. My experience here was formative, introducing me to modern solar cell research and work in an academic laboratory, both of which have informed my decision to pursue a PhD.

As I gained academic research experience, I complemented it with classes covering solid-state physics and energy technologies. My lab classes taught me to use techniques such as x-ray diffractometry, interferometry, superconducting quantum interference devices (SQUIDs), thin film deposition, etching, and photolithography. My graduate classes, such as Seminar in Electronic Devices & Materials and Energy Materials & Applications, exposed me to many current, fascinating research topics and showed me that I could flourish at the graduate level. However, these classes still lacked [something industrial].

In 2009, I decided to see how energy technologies were used in the real world. After earning a spot through the Jacob School of Engineering’s prestigious Team Internship Program, I spent the summer doing industrial research at SDG&E (San Diego Gas & Electric), ranked by UtiliQ as the most intelligent utility in the country for its renewable energy, commitment to energy research, and advanced smart grid deployment.

SDG&E tasked my four-person team with investigating the future problems that may arise from very high penetration of residential solar power and how residential batteries integrated into solar inverters might be used to solve these problems. Over the summer, I read many technical papers, first educating myself on the basics of solar inverters and the smart grid, and then more complex topics, such as solar intermittency (with data provided to SDG&E from the ASDF project!), voltage and frequency regulation, vars control, harmonic injection, power backflow, and fault current problems that residential solar power can cause. One product of my summer research that I’m especially proud of is an inverter-battery control algorithm I devised to solve the most pressing of these problems and also provide peak shaving and ancillary services to the grid. SDG&E is currently pursuing patent protection on my algorithm.

Because my team was given so much autonomy, I learned to set goals, choose how to best pursue those goals, effectively communicate my progress to bosses, thoroughly document my work, and ask for resources and feedback when necessary. Our summer research project was deemed so successful that we were invited to present our results to members of the scientific and business community, allowing me to hone my scientific communication skills. I gave presentations to SDG&E executives, Balance Energy (a microgrid startup company), the Jacobs School of Engineering Corporate Affiliates Program, and the Jacobs School of Engineering Advisory Board.

In addition to my academic and industrial research, I have contributed to a number of student groups. My solar energy research experience has helped me inform debates over energy policy at the Roosevelt Institution, a student-run policy think tank. It also proved useful in 2009 when I helped Engineers Without Borders build a solar-powered computer training center in Mbita, Kenya.

For accomplishments such as those, I was selected as a Gordon Scholar by the Gordon Engineering Leadership Center. This gave me the opportunity to participate in a comprehensive engineering leadership education and training program, where I am now gaining leadership and communication skills that I know will help me spread my future work within the scientific community.

[Concluding paragraph discussing my reasons for choosing program X and my career goals and whatnot. I'm still trying to figure out what to put here. ]

Edited December 15, 2009 by Slorg

[modernity]

My dual passion for deeply understanding fundamental physical phenomena and for using that understanding to design useful devices has strongly influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering. I am particularly attracted to MIT’s energy research, an area where I have a significant background.

This, along with the fact that the sensor stations were solar powered, led me to my next research interest in solar cells, of which I’m very proud.

Our investigation built upon MIT Professor Gang Chen’s 2007 paper on nanowire solar cells, and I had the pleasure of briefly corresponding with him.

The high quality of my work over the summer caused Professor Schmil to invite me back to work in his lab during the school year.

I could flourish at the graduate level.

One product of my summer research that I’m especially proud of is

Our summer research project was deemed so successful that we were invited to present our results to members of the scientific and business community,

In addition to my academic and industrial research, I have contributed to a number of student groups. My solar energy research experience has helped me inform debates over energy policy at the Roosevelt Institution, a student-run policy think tank. It also proved useful in 2009 when I helped Engineers Without Borders build a solar-powered computer training center in Mbita, Kenya.

For accomplishments such as those, I was selected as a Gordon Scholar by the Gordon Engineering Leadership Center. This gave me the opportunity to participate in a comprehensive engineering leadership education and training program, where I am now gaining leadership and communication skills that I know will help me spread my future work within the scientific community.

I'm not in your field so I can only give you some general suggestions. I think overall its a good essay, I think you just need to tweak some of your word usage. So a few notes:

I wouldn't use word usage such as "passion" and "deep understanding" - It's understood that you have a passion for it, and that you have/want a deep understanding, otherwise you wouldn't be applying to grad school right? This language is overused in SOP, and its so tempting to use too!

You say things like : "I'm very proud" and "The high quality of my work" - maybe this is common to do in your field and I'm not aware, but in my own its preferred we're a little more subtle when we toot our own horns so to speak. Of course you want to talk yourself up, but I think you can (and do do it) elsewhere in the essay without being so blatant. You also explain that it's because of these things that you were invited back, or received an award or the chance to present... this is probably understood as well if you just say you were invited to do these things. They wouldn't invite you back or give you awards if you weren't doing great things, right? So no need to say things like deemed so successful that, or for accomplishments such as those...

But overall I think you've got a solid foundation. Just keep editing!

[Slorg]

Thanks for the advice! I appreciate and agree with all of it. I'm going to keep editing, and retool my horn-tooting phrases.

[Lauren the Librarian]

My dual passion for deeply understanding fundamental physical phenomena and for using that understanding to design useful devices has strongly influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering.

Your sentence reminds me a lot of my first draft sentences in terms of wordiness and structure (too much and too confusing). I advise you to take out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can because they muddle the content and clarity.

For this opening sentence, I recommend, "My passion for understanding fundamental physical phenomena and using that understanding to design useful devices has influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering."

You could even go further, "Understanding the fundamentals of physical phenomena and designing the practical devices born of that understanding drew me toward a PhD in electrical engineering."

I'm sure with some word play you could get it even tighter. I wouldn't worry too much about words right now though. Make sure it's logical and the content is what you want. Then go back with an ax and hack it to pieces.

Good luck!

[Slorg]

For this opening sentence, I recommend, "My passion for understanding fundamental physical phenomena and using that understanding to design useful devices has influenced my decision to earn a PhD in electrical engineering."

Haha, that's exactly what I changed it to in my next draft!

[Slorg]

If I ate lunch with the previous President of MIT (Charles Vest) earlier this year and then read his book, would it be any good to work that fact into my statement somehow?

Will anyone care?

[modernity]

If I ate lunch with the previous President of MIT (Charles Vest) earlier this year and then read his book, would it be any good to work that fact into my statement somehow?

Will anyone care?

I think this would depend on why you were eating lunch with him. Were you doing it because he is interested in some work you are doing? As part of a conference? Because a friend of a friend did so and you tagged along?

Once you answer that question it will probably answer the would it be good/will they care questions. You have to make sure everything is relevant, because if you just drop things in to win brownie points it's going to stick out.