spouses/partners

[kobe36]

my bf and I have been together for 4 years already (approaching 5 in aug, yeshhh) and we are both in our late 20's. he is still working on his undergrad (i know) but he should be finishing up this year and after that, he is hoping to get his MBA. As far as our plans, he has always told me that I should go to the best school that accepts me and he says that whatever happens happens. he doesn't really believe in long distance relationship because he thinks it is too hard but we did talk about that if and when he applies for his mba next year, that he will apply to a school near me (granted I get into somewhere) and so it would really only be a year, maybe 2 years apart at most. We are at that stage where we are serious about our relationship (after 4 years, you would think we are ) and are thinking about the future. I am hoping if I move, he would eventually follow me and vice versa. If not, I guess whatever happens, happens.

[linzeek44]

When we started seriously dating, I had already accepted a job across the country. I moved out to CA from MA and after 6 months of long distance, he found a job and moved out to be with me.

We're getting married in April and wouldn't consider breaking up or doing the long-distance thing. Instead, he applied to MBA programs and I applied to the schools that have good programs for me too. Our first choices happen to be the same school. He was accepted in December and here I am, nervously waiting. Since he moved for me the first time, we decided that he'll still go to his first choice school even if I don't get in and I'll just continuing teaching and then go back to school. Ideally, we both get in and it's happily ever after but if not, I'm willing to sacrifice to have him around, like he did for me.

[pewtered]

I've been with my SO for two years, most of them long distance. We both applied to PhD programs this year, in either the same or nearby cities. We are really hoping to end up in the same place, live together, and so on. While we could end up in the same place, there's also a very good chance that we could end up about 1-1.5 hrs apart -- much better than now, but still not totally convenient. Given how much happier I would have been where I am now if he had been here, I really think living with him and commuting would be better than spending 5 more years seeing each other only on weekends (we would definitely stay together no matter where we end up).

Edited February 4, 2010 by pewtered

[Smaudge]

My husband and I are in our early 20s and have been married for about a year (Been together for 7! Yep... met in high school). Last year he applied and got into a great law school program in Boston, but deferred admission until this Fall so that we could have one stress-free year of marriage.

Since then, I've decided that I also want to go back to school, and thankfully Boston has 8 potential programs (some Master's, some PhD) in my field. Technically, I applied to any program in a 1.5 mile radius, which means that we could potentially be in different cities. If that happens, we might have to do something where we both get dorms on each campus and see each other on the weekends... not excited about that.

All in all, I'm nervous about the transition and anxious about where I'll be since I haven't heard any responses yet. However, I certainly wouldn't trade this wonderful first year of marriage for anything.

Stay tuned!

[Timothy Vallier]

My wife will be teaching music at the grade school/middle school level!

[Ivy]

I'm glad to see this thread! One of the pros if I get accepted for a Ph.D. will be the ability to finally co-habitate with my sweetie! He's currently in Denver and I'm in Los Angeles. In the past we've both applied for jobs in each others' cities and gotten fairly far but never offered positions. So when I decided last year to apply to do a Ph.D., it was pretty obvious I'd need to move (Denver doesn't offer a Ph.D. in my subject and the only program local to me is at a school I prefer to not attend).

I was only going to apply to Seattle, which was a place my sweetie was okay relocating to--there are lots of jobs offered in his field, and in the meantime he's also started a distance master's program out of UW (as a side note, he's the one who convinced me to do the MLIS a few years ago, and after I finished, I convinced him; that's the program he's in now), so he could either continue online or try to transfer into the in-person program. When speaking with the professor I knew at UW, she suggested two other programs to me that were closely in line with my specific research interests: Milwaukee and Urbana-Champaign. My sweetie made it clear that he would not go to Urbana-Champaign, but when I asked him how he felt about Milwaukee (I thought he'd be dead-set against it), he replied: "Well, there's a lot of Frank Lloyd Wright houses in Wisconsin I'd like to see." So that was that, and I applied to the two schools.

We've talked a bit about what we might do and where we might go after the Ph.D., and how to figure that out. And while we're keeping our options open, we both have places where we know we *don't* want to live, so that determines a lot of where we plan on looking for positions and jobs. Also, if I want to teach info science, there are a limited number of universities that are not in our 'no fly zones', so that helps us focus our searches.

[JerryLandis]

My long-term boyfriend intends to follow me wherever I end up, which is great, except that he has shown absolutely no resolve in finding a teachers' qualification program, as he says he wants to do. He keeps saying he wants us to "look together" for programs, which in my experience tends to mean "I want you to just do this for me." I know I'm lucky to have someone who's willing to up and move wherever the wind may take me, but I envision rocky times ahead if he continues to have absolutely no motivation to apply for anything. I'm terrified I'll end up being a full time stressed out grad student and essentially a housewife at the same time (throughout undergrad I've cooked, cleaned, done all the laundry, sorted all the bills, etc. etc.), and that I'll have to support both of us with whatever measly stipend I may or may not get. I imagine I'll need a lot of support as a graduate student, so I can only imagine that constantly needing to support someone else would be an absolute nightmare. Of course, this is only one possible future. Everything could turn out great. But it's entirely possible that it won't, and I really don't want to make him move 3,000 miles only to break up with him.

Anyone here have experience with de-motivated significant others? Mine has been in a slump for 2-3 years now, and although I try to be as encouraging as possible to boost his self-esteem, every now and then I just get so angry about his behavior and unwillingness to improve his (and OUR) life that I think I make it worse. I'd really appreciate any advice about this. Please take into account that I'm being very negative at the moment and that otherwise he is a very loving, intelligent, and fun person, and that he has always been extremely encouraging of me and has put up with a lot of stress and freaking out on my part.

[hogmommy]

I'm sure that he is a great (loving, attentive, intelligent, etc.) boyfriend but, after reading your dilemma, I can't imagine he is the ONE for you. I have been a stay-at-home mom for nearly 7 years now, but not for one moment have I ever been a housewife. His being in a "slump" for 2-3 years is puzzling. Has he been gainfully employed? Are you doing the "housewife" duties because you want to or because he just won't do them?

At this moment, I am 30 years old with two kids. Because of respect for my husband's job (and all of the benefits: gorgeous house, financial security, retirement! savings, etc.) I am applying to only one local school for my Master's. However, despite his $90k salary, the mortgage, and the years that salary has afforded me to spend raising my children, he is willing to move anywhere when the time comes for me to pursue my PhD (we have actually positioned ourselves so that any successful transfer actually puts me in easy distance of the program of my choice.) This was THE PLAN when I got pregnant seven years ago, it remains THE PLAN now.

I know I am extremely fortunate, but in my opinion, successful relationships require very little sacrifice on the part of either party. My husband is my greatest supporter and my greatest friend without question. I think everyone CAN find THAT person.

*In case it isn't obvious by now, I'm am still deeply in love with my husband after nearly 10 years together.

[JerryLandis]

Maybe 2-3 years is a stretch. By slump I mean that he's worried about his future but isn't gung-ho about improving it. He's finishing a masters this year and working part time, but he's pretty much just doing that because after spending a year unemployed out of undergrad, he wasn't sure what else to do. So essentially, he's a normal person for his age and for this economic climate. But it's just the attitude that bothers me, because he fails to see that in shirking his responsibilities for his future, he's essentially just dumping them off on me. Thanks for your heartfelt advice. I think that I will simply tell him exactly what I think about the situation, so that he can disprove my fears if he really wants to salvage things.

[JerryLandis]

PS I'm doing the housewife thing because he pulls the "but you're better at it!" excuse, plus I am very picky about the way things are done and will often re-do something someone else has already "finished" and then nag about it later. And because his mother was too good to him and has given him false expectations of what a woman should be expected to do in the house!

[Pamphilia]

PS I'm doing the housewife thing because he pulls the "but you're better at it!" excuse, plus I am very picky about the way things are done and will often re-do something someone else has already "finished" and then nag about it later. And because his mother was too good to him and has given him false expectations of what a woman should be expected to do in the house!

Oh, girl, no! Do the domestic work if you want to, but do not let him tell you that you are "better" at it. That is a bullshit excuse not to do anything. I know because I've used it before!!! My partner is quite fastidious about cleaning and he does not like my cooking (I am not so good...) and so he mostly does that work. Sometimes, though, when it should have been my turn but I decided to be lazy, I've said, "Aw, but you're so much better at it than I am!" That was unfair and wrong of me. And you know what? Even though I was very loving and supportive and nice to him, it was still NOT OKAY for me to do that.

As for the lack of motivation--oh, been there, too! My partner has all these big plans to be a rock star, to be a writer...I am ALL for it, but he is often very bad at motivating himself to pursue those dreams. I will absolutely support him if that's what he wants to do and he puts in the effort, but it frustrates the crap out of me when he wants to be a writer so bad but never writes anything and watches TV instead. We went through a rough patch some months ago when he was just NOT motivated to find a job and was using the excuse that he wanted to focus on his music. I am super supportive if he wants to take time off to work on what he loves. But "working on his music" turned out to be a euphemism for sitting on his ass and not trying to do anything. It's all just a big excuse. Fortunately things are very nice now--he is gainfully employed and doing music.

The main point is: do not take any excuses. 2-3 years is not so much a slump as a long-term pattern of behavior. I know you were probably feeling really frustrated when you wrote your posts and that they don't really reflect how you feel all the time. When my partner and I were having a rough time of it I tended to present only the bad things to my friends/family because I would complain and vent when I was frustrated, but rarely mention it when I was happy. But, take a look at things and try to see if this is a long-term trend or not, and don't take any bullshit! I've been on both sides of this, and it is not simply fair to be manipulated into bearing the entire load of your partnership.

[prolixity]

During the early stages of the application season, I severely underestimated my competitiveness and encouraged my wife to apply to PhD programs at my safety schools (she has two masters degrees).. now that I've been accepted at two of the premiere chemistry universities in the world, I'm in this awkward situation of "Do I go to these places where we both have a chance, or do we focus on my career first?"

I'm leaning toward focusing on myself, if only because statistics state that 4.1% of males who graduate from this university hold TT positions at top 10 chemistry universities. I'm certain that I can provide for all of her emotional/intellectual/material needs once I've completed this program.

She said she'd follow me wherever I end up.

This makes me smile, because I have these secret plans of teaching in Slovenia, Croatia, or Bosnia. We'll see how serious she was about that statement.. in six years.

[esraetna]

My boyfriend (nearly 6 years) plans to have a second bachelor's degree ( for architect lisance). At the same time, he will be working part-time at a design firm.

Now, he is studying for SAT-like university entrance exam in our conutry :S

If everything goes fine, he will earn his degree in 3 years. My master program in the States is a two-year program, by the way.

[Lyley]

My boyfriend (nearly 6 years) plans to have a second bachelor's degree ( for architect lisance). At the same time, he will be working part-time at a design firm.

Now, he is studying for SAT-like university entrance exam in our conutry :S

If everything goes fine, he will earn his degree in 3 years. My master program in the States is a two-year program, by the way.

Good for you:) hope everything goes well:)

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[Schaudenfreuded]

Got into UChicago for my MA. The SO will be coming with and applying to his PhD's from there while working part time in web development (most likely). He's hoping to get into UCBerkeley, Clark, Durham among others.

I have no problems being a nomad and am not looking into doing a PhD after my studies, or at least, not for a while. The only issue I ever had was GETTING 'ER DONE (my MA). But who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind.

I will most likely take a 6 month shot at freelancing and writing my book after graduating from the program. With any luck, he'll do good and secure some sort of stable teaching position somewhere that isn't located in the middle of aa fly-over corn field.

Honestly, considering the nail-biting WTF-ness I was going through with my SO in the beginning, I'm psyched that 2 1/2 years after we met, we're still strong and sticking together while we both explore our academic and professional interests.

Here's to hoping he moves to the Siberean tundra, Mexico City, Ethiopia or Romania with me next (pay back for schlepping with him during his PhD)