Dealing with a friend who is leaving my program...

[TMP]

I have had people leave PhD programs for one reason or another; I'm usually okay as academia isn't for everyone.  They generally leave on happy note-- maintained good relations with the faculty and graduate students.  Now I have a close friend who made her decision to leave the program after she gets her MA this semester (not continuing to the PhD).  I get it, she has had a rough two years but did so admirably.  Nonetheless, she confessed to me that she doesn't speak to anyone in the department except for me (her best friend), her adviser, and the DGS.  She said it's been that way for a year.  I was shocked that she purposely avoided people, even the professors who are generally friendly and accepting people.  She's been experiencing ageism as she came in when she was  21 (but incredibly mature) and some grad students apparently gave her knack for that in her first year.

I feel like I am in such an awkward position as being one of three lines and it's just not comforting to know that she's reached this level of hatred/unhappiness with the program (but incredibly happy with her hobbies).  She's not willing to learn to negotiate the BS; I suppose different personalities.  

Has anyone been in this situation with their colleagues/friends in the program?  I just hope that her current behavior is just temporary.... how did you maintain a sane relationship with the person until they actually leave?

[TakeruK]

I have had friends leave PhD programs because of similar reasons, or because they are unhappy with the department culture, or because their advisors didn't want them to continue etc.

But I'm not 100% sure what you are asking. 

First, I want to say that it's completely possible that, through no fault of her own, that your friend's experience with your program is completely different than your own. But I think you know this. I'm just confused because it sounds a little bit like you think your friend shouldn't act this way and that they should have tried harder to stay/fit in.

When you say it like "how to maintain a relationship until they leave", it sounds as if you do not want to maintain your friendship with this person after they leave. I mean, it's your choice on who you choose as friends, but I don't think you need to feel that you are in between your friend and your department. You don't have to feel like you need to defend the department to your friend and your friend doesn't need to feel like she has to defend her decision to you. 

Yes, it turns out you were one of three people she could talk to in the department, but it's not your fault that your friend chose to leave. It's also not your job to convince her to stay or to worry about what could have gone differently. I understand that you feel uncomfortable that someone close to you feels anger/hatred towards a program (which I think you really like?) but this might be a time where you see it from your friend's perspective. I think it's probably harder for someone to choose to leave a program, even if they were unhappy there, than it is for someone to have their friend leave the program. So, maybe your friend really just needs you to be their friend right now. 

Sorry if that was a little too preachy. In my similar situation, my friend was actually my friend before they went to my program (they were a few years behind me in undergrad). It was a little easier because there wasn't much hatred/anger towards the program---instead, it was when my friend realised that their goals and priorities aren't well aligned with the program's so they left.

Finally, I think if the main source of the discomfort is the fact that your friend brings up a lot of negativity about a program that you really like, then I think that is something that can be addressed. Sometimes you do need to let your friend rant a bit, but it's also not fair for you to be your friend's only source to vent about their frustrations with the program! Maybe if you are no longer comfortable with the quantity or quality of your friend's ranting, you can talk to her about it. She is your friend and hopefully she will realise that you are happy in the program and that it's possible for you to be on her side but also be happy with the department because you two are different people with different experiences.

[St Andrews Lynx]

I wouldn't necessarily conclude that your friend "purposefully avoided people" based on what you recounted here. Sometimes social isolation is self-inflicted...but it can also be that she was getting bad vibes from the rest of the cohort, or that she was unhappy in the program and the isolation was a product of that (rather than the cause). Or she's one of those people who doesn't make many tight social connections. There's no guarantee if she talked to 10 people a day that she'd be any happier in this particular program or want to continue. 

Support your friend. Don't preach or judge. Don't assume that she's a failure for choosing to leave the program. Sometimes it takes more courage & intelligence to leave than it does to stay.