Could you rate my challenge of an issue?

[advertentlyJoin]

Dear all,

 

Thank you for reading this.

I'd like to get comments about what I tried, I've just started the writing.

Very short, the assertion would not be entrenched.

Your comment helps me a lot!

Thank you in advance.

 

Sincerely,

 

Issue: People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

Direction

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position,

be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

 

Essay:

The statement asserts that people’s behavior is largely controlled by external forces. I strongly agree with this statement. Let’s define the usage of external force prior to discussion. Since we subliminally are controlled by our own specific culture, custom, law system, the external forces are referred as these forces.

Opponents might argue that the most important force to determine our own behavior is their own free will which is from our inside. Even if it causes the behavior what one wants to, some behaviors can be severely not allowed in the society since it naturally is malevolent which breaches the society’s common sense. Furthermore, if one who hardly has their own free will rarely could make a decision about his or her behavior, largely the demeanor is determined by their surrounding circumstances or parents’ or society’s instruction.

People generally develop their behaviors how they have been raised by the external forces. Even though one who has no his or her own free will, he or she can be leaded by the external forces. All though someone who feels the urge to do any violent behavior, their behavior should be abstain largely if he or she does not want to be either alleged or arrested.

Though individual’s behavior would be determined by their own free will or their own making, it is largely determined by the external forces which can be learned through their entire life.
 

Edited October 3, 2016 by advertentlyJoin

[Opticflash]

23 hours ago, advertentlyJoin said:

Dear all,

 

Thank you for reading this.

I'd like to get comments about what I tried, I've just started the writing.

Very short, the assertion would not be entrenched.

Your comment helps me a lot!

Thank you in advance.

 

Sincerely,

 

Issue: People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

Direction

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position,

be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

 

Essay:

The statement asserts that people’s behavior is largely controlled by external forces. I strongly agree with this statement. Let’s define the usage of external force prior to discussion. Since we subliminally are controlled by our own specific culture, custom, law system, the external forces are referred as these forces.

Opponents might argue that the most important force to determine our own behavior is their own free will which is from our inside. Even if it causes the behavior what one wants to, some behaviors can be severely not allowed in the society since it naturally is malevolent which breaches the society’s common sense. Furthermore, if one who hardly has their own free will rarely could make a decision about his or her behavior, largely the demeanor is determined by their surrounding circumstances or parents’ or society’s instruction.

People generally develop their behaviors how they have been raised by the external forces. Even though one who has no his or her own free will, he or she can be leaded by the external forces. All though someone who feels the urge to do any violent behavior, their behavior should be abstain largely if he or she does not want to be either alleged or arrested.

Though individual’s behavior would be determined by their own free will or their own making, it is largely determined by the external forces which can be learned through their entire life.
 

Hey advertentlyJoin

I'm going to give my opinion on presumably your first attempt at the Issue topic. It's a decent start, but it can be much better refined so I am going to give a few suggestions for the essay.

Paragraph 1 - Introduction:

This introduction is fine. One thing I suggest would be to have 1 sentence explaining why you support your position, or what your main arguments are.

Paragraph 2 - Body 1:

The first statement "Opponents might argue that the most important force to determine our own behavior is their own free will which is from our inside" is a good start for the topic of a paragraph (although the phrase at the end "from our inside" seems a bit cliche). However, you should elaborate on the opposition's viewpoint, to give a more insightful response. I believe after your first sentence, you should have another sentence to further elaborate on the first. Then after that, give an example of a situation (could be a made up scenario) that supports the viewpoint that our behavior is shaped by our own free will and desires. Then finally 1-2 sentences that explain how that example supports the opposing viewpoint. This should be the main focus of Body 1.

Paragraph 3 - Body 2:

The statement "People generally develop their behaviors how they have been raised by the external forces" is a good start for the topic of the paragraph, however it needs to be rephrased because the "how..." part doesn't make sense structurally. If you really want to flesh out your first statement to impress the examiners, you can also use the first sentence to "link" in with your first body paragraph (the opposing viewpoint), to create a nice flow to the essay, e.g. something like "Those who insist that human behavior is a product of free will, however, disregard the fact that many people act in response to external factors surrounding them".

The second sentence should elaborate further on what these "external factors" are. Since you mentioned culture and custom in your introduction, you should also mention them alongside legal affairs. Then 1-2 examples where these factors come into play should be provided, e.g. "many teenagers today take up smoking due to pressure from their peers" or something like that. Then finally 1-2 sentences explaining how these examples support your argument and/or its significance.

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion:

This conclusion is fine if you are short on time. To improve it I recommend 1-2 sentences to briefly summarize your main arguments and then have that sentence at the end.

Note: If you have time to think of many points, I recommend going for an essay with 3 body paragraphs, 1 for the opposing viewpoint and 2 for your viewpoints - which means 1 more main point that differs from external factors. Otherwise divide external factors into two main body paragraphs each explaining one major factor in depth (e.g. Body 2 could be focused on culture and upbringing, and Body 3 could be focused on legal concerns).

What I believe you need more of in that essay in order for it to be top notch

• A bit more elaboration on your viewpoint and the opposing one
• 1-2 examples (hypothetical scenarios) supporting your viewpoint, as well as the opposing viewpoint (with an end sentence detailing how this relates back to your argument, or its significance)
• Having 3 body paragraphs, with 1 opposing viewpoint and 2 distinct viewpoints you are arguing for, or 1 opposing viewpoint and 1 major viewpoint divided into 2 categories
• A brief 1-2 sentence summary of your main points in the conclusion - with a final statement like the one you have written, at the end

Edited October 4, 2016 by Opticflash